A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (3 page)

Someone who does not have an issue with sexual compulsivity might have a hard time understanding it. A man who isn’t addicted to pornography can look at porn, even be stimulated by it, but he will not need to go back to it day after day. As one such man reported to us, “When I look at porn, after about fifteen minutes it just gets kind of boring. I’d much rather have sex with my wife.”

Sexually Compulsive or “Normal”?

If you’re sexually addicted, your behavior may include the compulsion to view Internet porn and masturbate, but generally, it doesn’t end there. For example, the sexually compulsive man goes to lunch and sees a pretty waitress wearing a tight T-shirt and a short skirt. Now, almost any man is going to notice how attractive she is and might even be sexually aroused, but the sexually compulsive man will take it further. He will try to give her his business card. He will imagine having sex with her. Then he will take the memory of her out of the restaurant with him. He’ll remember what she said, how she said it, and he will imagine that she wants to have sex with him. Then he might take it even further. When he gets back to his office or when he gets home that night, he will search the Internet for a porn video of someone who resembles her so he can masturbate to her memory. Even if he doesn’t like the restaurant, he may go back over and over again, just to talk with her to continue his fantasy. She may even tell him that she is not interested in a relationship with him, but his fantasy will continue.

A sex addict can find it difficult to reconcile that when he masturbates to porn he is not having sex with a real person, or when he goes to a prostitute he is not in an actual relationship. Many times clients have been surprised and hurt to learn that the interest their prostitute “girlfriend” is feigning is based on the money she is being paid. The “guy gets girl” happy ending with the prostitute only happens in the movies—it’s just another one of those fairy tales.

An average guy can look up the sports scores on his computer without being compelled to go to his browser’s hidden bookmarks that lead to porn. He doesn’t need to step into the bathroom for a quick release before an important meeting. He doesn’t need to position his computer away from the door to ensure that someone coming in won’t catch him looking at something sexually explicit. He doesn’t need to wipe the history and cookies from his Internet browser several times a day to avoid detection.

The average guy is not troubled by his interest in sex. He enjoys having sex. He doesn’t need to keep his sexual thoughts, actions, and fantasies a secret from his partner. The sexually compulsive individual knows that his secret sex life is keeping him from the connection that is possible. He just doesn’t know how to limit (and stop) the sexual behaviors that are getting in the way of intimacy with his partner.

Admitting a Problem Exists

The key, as with so many other areas in our lives, is to first recognize and admit that a problem exists. Recognizing this can help you uncover the roots of your self-destructive behaviors.

For example, when Dan, a successful manager of public works projects in his early thirties, first came to see us, his relationship with his girlfriend had blown up after she discovered that he had been texting, instant messaging, and then meeting couples to have sex with them. His story began with the use of Internet porn, which escalated into more risky behaviors.

After several months of counseling, he began to see the underlying feelings of worthlessness that were driving his actions, a kind of panic response. He understood how he had been attempting to lessen his uncomfortable feeling with the distraction and rush of masturbating to Internet porn and having sex with couples.

At that moment, he said, “I’m not a sex addict, I’m just trying to get away from this painful feeling.” While he did not want to admit to the label, he had clearly seen that his addictive behaviors were a cover-up for the actual problem.

Is
Dan a sex addict? Yes, he certainly has an issue with sexual compulsivity. He will always need to remember how he has picked a whole range of sexual distractions as his coping strategies. Until he is further along in his recovery, these coping strategies (e.g., sexual acting out) will probably continue to arise automatically when he feels hurt, angry, lonely, or tired.

Why Me?

In counseling, we mostly see men who are acting out sexually with porn, prostitutes, and/or serial affairs. These can certainly be issues for women as well, but we’re describing the general trend. We’re often asked why some people seem to have a weakness in connecting intimately and sexually. Why do certain people get caught up in acting out sexually while others do not? It appears to be a combination of life experience interacting with the natural animal survival impulses—a combination of nature and nurture.

Sexualization and Objectification

It’s neither a secret nor a revelation that our society sexualizes and objectifies women. Sexuality is used to get our attention, to promote, and to sell. In advertising for milk, cars, and sports, we are bombarded by images of women’s breasts, legs, and hair. Men and women alike are inundated with such sexualized images and messages.

In our practice, we have found that many of the men who have issues with sexual compulsion have been taught in a quite overt way to view women through a sexual lens. These men have heard highly sexual messages about women from their fathers or from their older brothers or friends, such as how good it is to “get a lot of pussy.” For example, our client Jeff described how his dad told him to go ahead and have sex with women whenever he could. “However,” he warned Jeff, “be sure and use a condom.”

A young man learns from his father, his friends, and from the society around him. Jeff’s father had a stash of
Playboy
magazines that he hid under the bed. Jeff’s father alerted Jeff to take note how he would put a twenty-dollar bill on the mantle for Jeff’s mother whenever “she gave him some.”

If a young man’s father looks at young girls in a sexual way, the son notices. When Jeff was thirteen, his father shared with him that he was in love with the daughter of a family friend, Jeff’s thirteen-year-old classmate and friend. The father confided in Jeff, “I think it could work out with her.” So as Jeff was first feeling the blush of his budding sexuality, he learned that women were there to have sex with whenever you can, that even his thirteen-year-old female friends should be considered in this light.

It is not so surprising that when Jeff came to us, even though he loved his wife dearly, he was fixated on masturbating to porn on the Internet. He and his wife were dismayed by the fact that he couldn’t really be sexually passionate with her. He only felt safe and connected to the images on the computer. And his image of choice for viewing pornography was girls who looked to be about thirteen.

Even in less overtly damaging situations, boys and girls alike are surrounded by sexualized messages. This kind of thinking keeps us in the realm of fantasy, which tends to focus on appearances. The “men will be men” overlay, the image of the hookers and strippers at the bachelor party, is a widely known and widely accepted stereotype. There are regular reports of prostitutes being available as a reward for men in high-rolling business circles. This seems to be an accepted part of the world in which we live.

It is often noted that men sexualize and objectify women, but it may not be as readily apparent how women sexualize and objectify themselves and other women. You probably have noted how men tend to be stimulated visually. Women are aware of that fact. Because of the ways women are biochemically wired, they are influenced both consciously and unconsciously by how they feel they are being viewed. Although each of us as humans are aware of our appearance and how that appearance influences others’ perception of our value, women are particularly subject to this pressure. We have found that for women, the focus on physical appearance can often manifest in issues around food and eating or around shopping and spending.

It can be helpful for both partners to recognize the influence of sexualization and objectification. We have found that in most relationships, there are times when each of the partners feels that they are not being seen for who they really are. In fact, it would be a miracle if this didn’t happen. Each one of us is impacted by physical and biochemical influences. We each have been subject to the influences of our family upbringing, even in the most idyllic of circumstances. We are each a product of the cultural influences around us. We are subject to all of the objectification that comes with being human.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Sex addiction is a compulsive urge to engage in sexual activities, thoughts, or fantasies in a way that is detrimental to the individual, his family, his friends, and/or his work. It blocks the development of true intimacy in a relationship.

• For someone caught by sexual compulsion, sex has become something other than an intimate expression of loving connectedness. The pleasure that is inherently present in orgasm or connection with another has been altered and is being used as a balm, an escape, a distraction, rather than being enjoyed for what it does offer.

• The sexually compulsive individual may know that his secret sex life is keeping him from the connection he wants to have. He just doesn’t know how to limit (and stop) the sexual behaviors that are getting in the way of intimacy with his partner.

• The natural urge for sex, the way sex is used for marketing purposes, and the explosion of porn on the Internet have created a “perfect storm” of conditions that lead to sex addiction.

• To understand how sex addiction can become a problem, it helps to understand the impulses and motivations that drive the behavior. Gaining understanding about these influences, it is possible to work with the urges and impulses as they arise.

Looking Forward

In
Chapter 2
, we’ll talk about what happens when you first discover sexual addiction in your relationship (either your own addiction or your partner’s), and we’ll show you how to begin the healing.

CHAPTER 2

Getting Past the Shock

It is difficult to get along with another person. As the joy and ease that comes with falling in love fades, our natural defenses, opinions, and protective mechanisms appear more frequently. When the glow of the new relationship is gone, the real relationship emerges. We enter the territory of our unhealed wounding. We expect that our relationship will be the place where our wounds will be healed—and that is a possibility—but the healing generally occurs in ways we might not expect.

While sexual relationships can be a way to connect during the times of tension that can arise between partners, it is also a place of great vulnerability. We bare ourselves to each other in our sexual connecting. While the feelings that arise around connecting sexually can be quite tender, when we add addictive behavior into the already vulnerable area of our sexual connection, we have the ingredients for conflict and suffering.

It can be difficult for some partners to clearly articulate their needs and views, especially about sexual needs, feelings, and desires. Sexuality is openly touted in the media, yet the layer of taboo that can also be a part of our internalized structures frequently hampers open, meaningful conversation. When the elements of vulnerability and feelings about privacy are combined with the powerful force of sexuality, and then sexually compulsive behavior is thrown into the mix, it’s no wonder that a potentially explosive situation occurs.

The Shock of Discovery

However you have arrived at the circumstances that have drawn you to read these words, know that you are not alone. Whatever feelings and emotions arise for you, be they shock, numbness, hurt, shame, fear, anger—whatever you may be feeling—your feelings are normal. You may feel all of these feelings or none of them. Of course, you may have feelings that you shouldn’t act on, but the feelings themselves are simply a natural response to a painful situation. What is especially important in this moment is knowing that you will be able to tolerate the feelings you are having, as strong and painful as they may be.

In
Chapter 7
, we will more fully describe the process of working with strong feelings and emotions in a way that can potentially deepen your connection with yourself and with your partner. For now, just know that you are going to survive the shock of this time.

Initially, it is not necessary to attempt to try to understand the inner workings of what has happened; it is enough to simply experience your reactions. It may feel counterintuitive to you in this moment, but the most powerful stance you can take right now is to become even more vulnerable. By this, we mean that if you are the partner who has been hurt, now is the time to speak directly about how you are hurt. Speaking about your pain and disappointment will be much more powerfully received if you do not attack. Don’t label or diagnose your partner, and don’t generalize about his character flaws. As much as possible, accurately describe and convey whatever emotion you are having.

If you are the partner who has acted out, this is the time to be vulnerable enough to really listen to your partner’s hurt. Emotions and feelings are usually quite strong during this time—anger, fear, sadness, and grief may feel like they will never be finished, but we promise, they will. The most skillful stance you can take is to allow yourself to be a bendable tree in very strong wind. In those moments when you feel you will be overcome, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and picture yourself bending but not breaking.