A Breath Until Forever (32 page)

Joshua sat down. He poured himself another shot of whiskey, than drank it. He lit up a cigarette. The cigarette smoke swirled around his older, more mature leathered face. “So, what's on your mind son?”

“I want to know about my mother.” Said Daniel. He was stern. He wanted to find out, and he wanted to find out right now, right here, in Lucky's Bar in Thunder Valley, North Carolina.

Joshua was wary at first to share anything. He was withdrawn, detached, his blue eyes blank and empty slated. He was shut down, and closed. His stomach still hurt. His intestines were twisted, and the feeling of vomit was at the back of his throat.

“Sir?” Asked Daniel when Joshua wouldn't say anything back in response.

Joshua didn't say anything for minutes, and a flooding of awkwardness enveloped the both of them. But after a few more shots of whiskey, and a few more puffs of his menthol cigarette, Joshua began to open up, and Joshua began to talk to Daniel like he was his long lost friend.

“I was working at the ranch, where I wasn't make such a good living. I needed money, so I took a job that opened up at the steel mill about ten miles south from here. I had a day off after working a 8 day stretch, and was going out towards the mailbox to check my mail, unhappily, by the way, as all I got anymore were bills, when your  mother came wheeling by, like a bat out of hell, and took out my mailbox, only inches to where I was at.  She was a hellion with that dream. She had scared me to death, being that she almost took me out with the mailbox with her, and I was going to yell and scream at her for being such an idiot, but then I saw her, wearing that white shirt and those two short daisy cut off jeans shorts, her hair so long and pretty, and I thought I had just seen an angel fall to earth, she was so beautiful. She was okay, luckily, but her Jeep had been banged up, and so I lifted her out of her seat, and placed her on the ground. For the first few minutes, we didn't say anything, but then I asked if she was alright, and she said yeah she was, all the while looking at me with the most lightest brown eyes I had ever seen. They were a honey color, a light caramel, as if the sun had colored them for life, and they seemed to go right through me, as if a silver bullet from my Remington gun. Her eyes seem to go straight through my soul, and into my heart.”

Joshua took another shot of whiskey. This was the last shot, as his bottle was now empty. He was quite drunk now, having drank shot after shot within such a short period of time. “I told her that I would call to get her Jeep fixed, and I led her into the kitchen where I used my phone to call for help. We got to know each other better after awhile after that. She was quiet about her home life for a long while and thought that was strange that she wouldn't share much, but she did say that she had a son named Daniel, and a husband named Benjamin.” Joshua looked at Daniel to see what his reaction would be after he shared that. He wondered if he was sharing too much, or perhaps in a peculiar way, he was sharing too little. Whatever the answer was, he looked at Daniel's face and his facial expressions to see just how further he should go. Daniel's face was stoic, but his eyes flickered a fire in them, and so Joshua took this as a sign to continue sharing.

“We would go out for long walks and just talk, nothing else, maybe hold hands every now and then. We got along great. She understood things about the world that most woman didn't understand, like poetry and the magic of Shakespeare, and she loved the Carpenters. Man, did she ever love the Carpenters! She knew every song by them like I did, humming along as I played the harmonica, feeling happy and dancing to a whole new set of dance moves a body had never seen.” Whiskey gone, Joshua took out another cigarette from the pack, lit it up, and began to smoke some more. He had offered a cigarette to Daniel, but Daniel had refused. Daniel didn't smoke, and he didn't have it to start smoking in the near future.

“And I hope that you don’t get uncomfortable when I say this, but we made love. We made love wild and free, it was a freedom of bodies that I became obsessed to, by the way we made love and I spent most of my time loving her the way that men like to express their love for a woman.” He shared.

“I didn't make much of a living then, but I took some time off the ranch and from the steel plant, knowing that it was going to be a big financial hit, just so that I may spend time with your mother.” He confessed. Daniel didn't say anything, he just kept on listening, counting the lines on Joshua's face, looking into those steel wool eyes that used to be as blue as the sky, realizing now, more than ever why his mother had fallen in love with such a man. This man was nothing like his father. He had more depth, more soul, and had more emotions than the ocean had waves.

Joshua put out his cigarette in an ash try, twisting the cigarette in a clockwise direction. “How much time are you going to be spending here?” Joshua had shared too much now, and had reached his breaking point. He really felt the vomit splash up his throat now, and his stomach had finally gathered into a city of knots.

“Well, I don't know.” Answered Joshua. He had not thought about that. He hadn't even bought a return ticket home, just a one way ticket to Thunder Valley. “Just long enough to talk to you, I suppose.”

“It's getting late now, and I want to get going.” Said Joshua.

“Oh, that's okay. I understand.” Daniel was empathetic, yet uneasily so. He wanted to know more, but could understand why Joshua would want to go so soon. Joshua had been kind enough already, sitting down with him for a few rounds of old times, and so Daniel thought he was being selfish when he wanted more, and so he dismissed it, but secretly wanted not just hours, but days, and even quite possibly, years to spend with Joshua Aspen.

But as both Daniel and Joshua got up from off the chairs, Joshua, noticing the disappointment in Daniels' face, said, “I would love to show you around Thunder Valley Ranch, that is, if you are still around.”

Daniel's face instantly lit up. “Yes, yes, I would!” Daniel knew Thunder Valley Ranch was where his mother and Joshua had shared the best, and hopelessly romantic times. But then it suddenly hit him. Joshua no longer owned the ranch. Was he still welcome there to roam around with a complete stranger? “But you no longer own it.” Said Daniel, making a very valid point.

“Shh, no, that is true.” Said Joshua. “But I can visit it anytime I want, and bring anybody I want too. That was part of the verbal contract, before the contract was signed. I couldn't give up Thunder Valley Ranch completely, and the people who own it now have been real nice, real accommodating.”

“That's nice, really.” Said Daniel. “Not so often you can sell your land, but still visit it without being arrested for trespassing.”

“How early do you like to wake up?” Asked Joshua to Daniel. “We can meet up at the break of dawn. That is when the wild violets are at their most beautiful, and the oak trees at their most regal. Your mom always loved that hour of the day. We can take a hike like your mom and I did.”

“I would love that!” Daniel was more then thrilled. However, as happy as he was to  have received such a civil attempt, his polite manners counteracted the offer. “It won't inconvenience you? And what about your family, up in Raleigh? Don't you have to be getting back?”

“My wife is out of town at her sister's with the younger kids. Can't believe the younger kids aren't so young anymore at 16 and 17. I'm actually staying in town with with an old friend I used to bull ride with at the rodeo. Until tomorrow anyway, we have a gig in the afternoon for an anniversary party.” He said. He looked over at Daniel. “Where you staying?”

“At the Nighthawk Motel. It seems to be the only motel here in town. It's quite disgusting actually. ” Daniel had been sickened by the condition of the motel room. It had ugly green paisley curtains that were ripped and shredded, an old air conditioner that spit out more phlegm of dust than cold air, and an old comforter stained with fluids that Daniel probably didn't want to know about.

“That's the same motel that your mom stayed in.” Said Joshua. “It hasn't changed that much since then, has it?” He laughed, and it was a laugh that was full of congestion, and so he coughed wildly after laughing, which ripped a surging rush of pain through his lungs.

“What number?” Asked Joshua.

“26.” Answered Daniel.

“Well I'll be! That's the same room your mom stayed in.”

Daniel was flabbergasted. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Joshua lit up a cigarette, and flicked the match that he had used to strike it on fire, on the ground. He inhaled deeply, then took a long hard puff.  Smoke danced around his face.

“Bet your mom is turning in her grave now.” Laughed Joshua. He had seen humor in this twist of fate. And Joshua couldn't help to think that there was as little bit of destiny intertwined in all of this. Or perhaps Meredith was still alive in spirit and had directed this to happen. Whatever it was, it was meant to be.

“See you tomorrow?” Asked Joshua, as he flicked some ashes into an ashtray.

“You bet!” Answered Daniel. Happiness oozed from every pore in his body. Daniel got up to leave, but as he did, the message he was to carry, suddenly popped into his head. “Oh, by the way, Laura Piccleby from Laura's said she has whiskey in the back for you. I was sent to be the messenger.”

Joshua laughed. The fine lines around his eyes, creased even more. “She is a hoot. She always has the best whiskey stored here in this town. After my gig here I’ll go over and have a couple of shots with her.” He laughed, but there was a seriousness in his laugh now. “After talking tonight with you I need them.”

Daniel retreated back to his hotel room. He couldn't help but feel his mom's ghost with him now, feeling cold in some areas of the room, and warm and tingly in others. He paced around, recollecting the conversation that he had earlier with Joshua, and kept on replaying them as if they were dialogue from a movie, and absorbed himself in those moments as if he was traveling back in time. As he helped himself to a cup of coffee from highly stained coffee poured from an outdated coffee maker from the 70's, he noticed some discoloration on the old shaggy carpeting, by the door that led to the bathroom. He instantly placed his cup of coffee on the counter top, then kneeled down so that he may take a closer look. There was paint on the carpet, a few dots of it, the colors of red and orange and some blue threading through the worn fibers. He touched the paint, and he felt the stiffness of how dried out they were now after dripping and dropping all these years, and when he touched the paint, it crumbled. Could it possibly be? Could it be his mother's paint? She had always used oils more so than acrylics, and this paint, was oil. He fell down on the ground now, covering the paint with the side of his face. With his left cheek on the paint and the carpeting, he suddenly felt closer to his mom now then ever. Daniel began to cry. He cried long and hard until he fell asleep on the carpeting, the paint staining his cheek with not only tears, but with memories.

Daniel woke up promptly at 7:00 am.. He quickly dashed into the bathroom to go pee, wash up a little, and get ready for Joshua Aspen to arrive at the door. Sunrise was soon to come, and Joshua Aspen would be there a little before it did, and so Daniel had to be ready. He couldn't believe that he had fallen asleep on the floor, and was mad at himself to not have set his alarm the night before. Daniel dashed about, nervous that Joshua Aspen was about ready to arrive, and mad at himself for not preparing for this special even further.

Joshua Aspen arrived five minutes after that, and his knock at the door was strong and steady. Daniel opened up the door to be greeted by Joshua, who was wearing the same clothes from last night, like he had done, who must have slept in them, like he had done as well. But unlike Daniel, he was smoking a cigarette, the swirling of smoke coiling around his worn, leathered face. Joshua's had black circles underneath them, and his eyes were all puffy and swollen. He looked rather tired, and Daniel wondered if Joshua ever slept last night. Joshua hadn't. Joshua had spent all night looking at pictures of Meredith, crying over here, slamming down shots of whiskey as if they were water over her, and cussing and screaming at himself for not going after her, for not begging her more to stay, and for not writing her back after the last series of letters that she had sent him, and swearing at himself for moving on so quickly when he should have pursued the woman that he was really in love with, and that woman was Meredith Hurley. Sure, he loved his wife now. She was a good woman and stayed with him through all of his rages and drinking frenzy, but he never quite lost the love he had for Meredith. Even though he had a serious girlfriend before her, and had taken on a wife after her, his heart remained strong for a woman he only knew for a total of six days. Meredith Hurley had been his soul mate. She had been his one and only love.