Ruining Me (22 page)

“I have one question for you.  Can you give me just as much of a chance to be with you as you give him?  I don’t want to say that you owe me that, but if I have to fight dirty for you I just might.  Pl
ease Jay, I’m asking that you
just give us
the
chance that we should have had in the first place.”

How could I not give him this chance
?
  I had to do it for both of us
and m
aybe it would give him and I
both the closure we needed. 
Nodding
my head yes
I
turn toward him.

“I have to be honest with Kane
and tell him.” 
JT
no
d
s
his head at me and lean
s
down to kiss me.  H
is kiss is gentle
and
I
lean back.

“I can wait.
Honestly Jay
, I was planning on waiting forever anyway.” 

Smiling
up at him
I
return
, “You were huh?”  He
smiles
back
at me. 

“I
’ll
take
you anyway I can get you
Jay
.”

Our conversation was broken by the
ringing of
his cellphone.  I think it had been ringing for a while, but
we ignored it with
our little drama going on. 

“
JT
you need to get that.”  He groan
s to let go of me and
reaches for h
is phone.

“Shit,”
he sa
ys
as he glance
s
down
and r
ead
s
his text
message
.  “Jay, I’ve got to get back to practice.  Coach is threatening to bench me for the first game if I don’t g
o
back
now
.  Can I come by your house tonight?”

“Kane is coming over
.  I need to talk with him.”
  I could tell he was pissed, but he tried to hide it.

“Well just promise me this.  Don’t
be with him, okay? 
If you are really going to give us a chance can you please just promise
me that?
” 
Looking at him I d
ecide that a little more honesty would help.

“We
haven’t had sex yet
,
if that’s what you’re asking
.”  His eyes fill
with relief and I finish
,
“I promise that until we decide about us
,
I w
ill not
cross that line, but
I do
n’t want to use either of you and I
’m not going to lie, I do h
ave strong feelings for him.”

He kisse
s
me fast and pull
s
back.  “I just want one more chance with you. 
Like I said,
I’ll take it
any
way
I can get it.
The only thing I ask Jay is that you’re
honest with me.”  He kisse
s
me once more and sa
ys
, “I’
ll text you later.” 
Walking
toward his truck
he
look
s back onc
e more before getting in and driving away. 

What did I just do
?
  I lean against my car
and sh
ake
my head.  What was I going to tell Kane
? 
I
have really strong feelings for him
and I didn’t want to
let him go, but I love JT.
  I had to talk with Kane. 
Damn, I forgot he text
ed
me earlier. 

Me – That’s fine…See you tonight…

I would talk with him tonight, but damned i
f I knew what I would say
. 

It was dark when I pulled into my drive
way.  I had driven around for a
while after I left the lake w
ith no set destination.  I
had
stop
ped
by the deli near my house on the way home and bought some sandwiches for Kane.  Texting him when I was there to let him know that I had dinner covered.  I brought everything in
to
the house
and went ahead and laid them
out
on the kitchen counter.  It was close to nine o’clock and Kane should be here shortly.  My phone vibrated in my pocket.

JT
– I love you Jay. 

Closing my eyes I t
a
k
e
a deep breath.  What have I done and what am I going to say to Kane?  My thoughts were interrupted by his voice.  I had left the front door unlocked for him.

“Jay, where are you?”

“I’m in the kitchen,” I answer him.  He
walks
in smiling and
his cloths were dirty. 
His shirt and pants
were covered in dust. 
Leaning in he
gi
ve
s
me a kiss and look
s
hungrily
at the spread of food on the counter.

“
Goodness I’m
starving
, but I want a shower first.  I’m going to run upstairs and then I’ll come down and eat with you, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”  He
kisses me again and turns to
run upstairs.

Moving around the kitchen,
I
take
out the plates
.  Opening the fridge I grab him a beer and set it
o
n the counter.  He was back before I had everything opened and out. 

“
Thanks for getting dinner
,” he said as he
reaches for
me
and kisses me so deeply that
my knees
go
weak. 
He pull
s himself
away and look
s
me in the eyes.  “What’s wrong Jay
?
  I can tell something is bothering you.”  I push
him
away
and shake my head no. 

“Let’s just eat.  What can I fix you
?
”

“Stop Jay.”  I look
up at him.  “First
,
we are going to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you.”

I sigh and sit
down on the bar stool.  “I
had a
talk with
JT
today.”  He look
s
at me
, waiting
for me to continue
,
“Things are just so complicated with us.  He wants me to give him another chance.”
  Kane leans
back against the counter and crosse
s
his arms and legs. 

“Did you tell him that you had a boyfriend now?”  His eyes never le
ave
mine.

I lifted my eyebrows and ask, “I have a boyfriend?” 

“Fuck yeah you have a boyfriend.  Damn Jay
,
did you not listen to me this morning?”

“I think I would have remembered if you had said you were my boyfriend.  In fact
,
the only thing I’ve heard
clearly
is that you don’t want anything serious.”

He leans
up and uncrosse
s
his legs and arms.  “I didn’t want anything serious, but I keep ending back here with you.  Seems to me that question was already answered.  So what did you tell him?”

I close my eyes and whisper
, “I told him that I thought I might be in love with you.” 
Looking
up
I
s
ee
Kane’s eye gr
o
w warm, but
they snap
shut when I finish, “but I also told him that I just realized today that I was still in love with him too.”

His voice was low when he ask
ed
his next question, “Who do yo
u want to be with Jay
?  That’s what I want to know.”

“I don’t know Kane.  We
’ve
just me
t
, but part of me feels like I’ve kno
w
n you forever and I do have deep feelings for you.  You have to understand
, there were
things
that
ha
ppened that pulled
JT
and me apart.  There
was never any closure for us and we need that.
 
I owe that to
him
.”

“You don’t owe him anything.  Just answer me Jay. 
Me or him
? 
It’
s one or the other because it sure as hell isn’t both.”  His eyes now were hard and he was pissed.

“I want you Kane, but I promised to give him a chance.”  I went to grab his arm, but he pulled away from me. 

“That’s not how it works Jay.  You can’t be with me while you decide if you want to be with him.”  He was shaking his head and started to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs.  I followed him. 

“Kane, you don’t understand.  Please just stop and listen to me.”  I
walk behind him into
my bedroom where he must have unpacked an overnight bag earlier.  He beg
i
n
s
packi
ng everything back up. 
Grabbing his
shaving kit before he c
an
touch it
,
I
h
o
ld it away
from him
.  “Please just give me five seconds.”

He stands with his hands on his hips and
ask
s
, “Him or me Jay?  Tell me now.”  I
start
to panic because I knew he would walk out forever and I didn’
t want to lose him
. 

“You Kane.  It’s you that I need to be with.”
 
Reaching for
him
I
tr
y
to kiss his mouth, but he turn
s
his
face from me
.

“You need to be with me Jay or do you want to be with me?  Which is it because to me it makes a difference
?
  I’ve come to care
so much
for you in
such
short period of time, more than anyone
else
before you. I don’t want to get hurt Jay
,
and
just so we a
re clear, you can
hurt me.”
 

I look deep into those eyes and say
what was in my heart.  “I said need because with every fiber of my being I feel that you and I were meant to be together.  That all this pain and fear that I have experienced would be worth it for just one moment with you.  If you want me to say that I want to be with you than that’s true also.  I want you so
bad that my mind and body hunger
s
for
you so
much
that just one look, one word from you
,
and my body goes up in flames.  I want you Kane and I desperately need you
.”