Ruining Me (18 page)

I hadn’t talk
ed
to Molly in almost two years. 
Not s
ince t
he
day after everything unraveled.  I remember waking up that morning in the shower.  The water had eventually lost
its
warmth and I don’t think I had even noticed when it turned cold.  My naked body shook from the chil
l and my teeth clicked
together
loudly. 
I had bit
down on my tongue and the taste of copper filled my mouth. 

Slowly I stood and groaned at the soreness between my legs.  I made myself walk
out
of
the shower
not even drying
my body and glared into the mirror.  Silent tears rolled down my
face
.  There were dark purple hand prints on my arms and thighs.  I could see two
sets of
teeth marks that surrounded both of my nipples. 

As I stared at the stranger in the mirror
,
I wondered why her body wasn’t more broken.  Shouldn’t the skin be more mangled an
d torn
?
  I was instantly angry with
her.  Why didn’
t she look as bad as I felt? 
She still had her skin.  She was still protected.  I hated her. 
Didn’t she understand what her pretty face and pretty hair had gotten her? 
Before I knew what I was doing
,
I picked up my brush and hurled it at the mirror.  Glass shattered everywhere.  Shards flew down t
o my feet
,
and nicked scratches along my leg
.

Now her image matched mine.  The body was jagged and mismatched in the broken reflection.  I don’t know how long I stood there.  My legs shook from standing still for so long.  My eyes never leaving the girl in the mirror or what was left of
her
.  I barely made it to my bed before my legs gave out. 
I climbed
in
and buried my entire body underneath
the
covers.

My parents had been out of town and were not due back for another two days. 
I was supposed to be at school because it was a Friday.  It was the second week of my sophomore year. 
I remember my home phone and cell both ringing for the next
several
hours.  I’m pretty sure I heard the
doorbell chime and someone must
have been knocking on my front door
.  I forced all memories out of my head.
Nothing seeme
d real.

Molly’s voice floated from the
hallway.  I had forgotten she had an emergency set of house keys and also knew the alarm code.
She walked into my room.

“Jay, where the hell were you
last
night?  You were supposed to meet Reed and
me
for pizza after cheerleading
practice. 
JT
freaked because you didn’t call him either.  He couldn’t leave school t
oday t
o check on you
,
so here I am.” 

In that moment
,
I knew I didn’t want her to know what happened.  No one ever had to know. 
Pulling the cover down
,
I
stared at her.  When I spoke my voice was hoarse.  “I’m sick Mols.  Must be the flu or something.  You don’t want to be here to catch this.  You should probably leave.”

“Damn Jay, you look bad.  Should I take you to the doctor?”
  Molly looked scared for me. 

“I’m fine. Just need to sleep.  Tell
JT
he doesn’t want to catch this bug and I’ll call him tomorrow.” I pu
lled the cover back over my head l
etting the dark envelop me.

“Just
call me if you need me.  Love you Jay.”
I heard her muffled voice and then the door clicked.  I knew she would tell JT. I was sick.

I heard the click of her shoes go do
wn the stairs
,
and out the door. What was I going to do about Molly and Reed?  They would know instantly that something was wrong.  Oh my God, I didn’t know how I would face JT.   I was ruined for him now.  He would never understand what happened. 
I know I could go to the police, but then everyone would have to know.  I’ve seen the T.V. shows where the girl goes to the hospital. 
NO. 
No
,
I didn’t want to deal with that.

He got what he wa
nted. I had been begging for it
he said.  Wasn’t it just the other day that I was flirting with him in P.E. at school
?  God, I
did flirt with him.  It was my personality, but everyone knew I was
JT
’s g
irl.  Like the rest of the schoo
l
,
I thought he was super cute.  I remember him sending secr
et smiles during the day at me and
I never thought anything
of it.

The more I thought about it, I knew that he was right.  No one would ever believe me.  He would leave me alone now. 
We
could go on as
if
nothing happened.  Just not as before.  I would keep this secret f
rom everyone. 
I could b
e strong and put this behind me, but I would have to let Molly, Reed and JT go.  They would guess instantly what
had
happened.  It would be better for everyone. 

Making myself get out of bed
,
I dress
in
my sweats.  Walking
towards the bathroom
,
I
stopped myself before stepping on all the shards of glass that covered the floor. 
I would have to clean that
before my parents got home and tell
them I accidently broke it.  Later as I swept the glass away
,
I could see my reflection in the bigger pieces.  That girl was taken away with the trash.

The sound of Molly’s voice broke
my thoughts and brought me to the present
,
“Jay, I miss you.  Reed
misses
you.”

Finally the tears start
rolling
down my face
and I hang my head down. 
I
ha
ve
really
missed them too. 
Molly grabs me and wraps her arms around me. 
My body beg
i
n
s
to shake from the sobs and for the first time
,
I cried and let my burdens go.  Molly just held me and strok
es
my back.

“I’m so tired Mols.  I’m just so damn tired
,
” I cried.  We s
i
t huddled toget
her and eventually my body stops
shaking from the sobs. 
We watch
the sun set in silence
,
with my head on Molly’s shoulder. 

Finally she
speaks
,
“I was so mad at you when you wouldn’t talk to me.  I thought we told each other everything and suddenly you wouldn’t let me in. 
Mad really doesn’t describe it.  You shut me out.  You shut Reed out.  You killed JT.  When you started being bitchy to everyone and stopped hanging around us
,
I hated you
more
. 
I was so stupid not to stop and think that
something could
have happened to make you act like that
.” 

My body froze and all I could think about was that
JT
must have talked to her.  Molly continued speaking, “I’ve been thinking about that latel
y.  That first month you had the
f
lu
,
and w
ere
out of school
so much that I didn’t see you
.  We would all come to your house and you refused to see us. 
Then when we
would talk,
you were such a bitch. 
I think it was easier for Reed and
me
to hate you because we had each other.  We
could convince ourselves that you thought you were too good for us, but what you did to
JT
demolished him.  I know now we should have all known you better,
but hell Jay, we
were
all hurt
.”

She stopped talking when her voice choked up.  I
couldn’t stand it anymore.  My world of control that I had built was crumbling by the second. 
My body and mind was exhausted.  I let out a sigh and told her what I could. 

“Molly, I can’t talk about what happened.  Not now, maybe not ever, but I miss you.  God, I miss talking to you and Reed so much
.  S
o many times over the last two years
,
I’ve automatically picked up the phone to tell you both something and then realized I couldn’t. 
Right now
I’m so fucked up that I don’t even want to deal with my shit.  If you can just give me some time to work some things out, but at the same time be my friend again, I would really appreciate it. 
You can’t ask me about what happened yet.  Can you do that Mols?”  I begged her.

Molly looked down and then looked back at me.  Tears ran down her face along with her mascara.  “Yeah Jay, I can do tha
t.  I’ve missed you.”  I
grab her and hug her hard.

“Okay no more crying.  I want you to tell me everything I’ve missed with you and Reed.”  She p
ull
back and finally smile
s
.

We sat outside for hours and she told me
about how her and Reed finally hook
ed
up
.  Not a shocker
there
. 
She spoke of her and Reed’s future plans
,
and how they were worried about being separated by their choice of colleges.  The night air turned chilly and I continued to listen.  She did as I ask
ed
and didn’t ask me about that night or th
e
following month. 

“So are you seeing anyone?  Everyone is guessing that your new boyfriend was the one that beat up JT.” 

I didn’t want to talk about that either, but I had to give her something.

“Ugh
,
that was a total misunderstanding. 
He’s
r
eally
an incredible guy.”  She smiles
and knock
s
my knee with hers.

“Go on, what does this guy look li
ke and do I know him?”  I laugh
and was going to tell her what a hottie he was when I remember I totally blew him off this evening. 

Jumping up
,
I look
down at her.  “
Shit,
I j
ust r
emembered I stood him up.”  I ru
n inside and grab my phone off the kitchen counter.  It
was almost ten o’clock at night and
I had several text
messages
from him.

Kane -
I’ll meet u outside the gym

Kane -
R U coming???

Molly must have
followed me inside the house.  “Is he mad at you?”

“I really don’t know.  It’s crazy Molly because I’ve only known him for a
bout a week now
, but it feels like so much longer.  We have this crazy connection and when I’m with him
,
for the first time in years I feel whole.  The only problem is that since he came into my life
,
everything I’ve built around me is falling apart.  He’s working two jobs and
trying to build a company with his brother. 
He barely has time for me, much less my emotional complications.”