My Forever (46 page)

“What did Michael do to deserve that?” She’s smiling with me.

“Daniel thought he was the dad.” I was so mad at him at the time, but now it seems sweet. It
’
s funny how perspective changes.

“You two were close?”

I shrug. “Yes and no. We were because we understood each other. I never felt like I und
erstood anyone else in my house. Well,
my mom at times
,
but that’s it. We still clashed though
, and I think even
with all the writing we’ve done, he’s not thrilled that I joined up with the Mormons.”

Jackie reaches over and rubs my leg. “Thanks for letting me come with you.”

I laugh a little. “Thank you, Jackie.”

“Of course.”

We’re in a hotel near the airport. I have no idea what to expect from my family tomorrow.

~
~
~

             
Elder Mason –

             
Of all the times that I’ve wanted to hear your voice, this is definitely when I want it most. Daniel was killed in Iraq. Jackie came with me to Alaska. I miss you. I miss Daniel
,
and I’m terrified to see my family again.

             
Love, Dani

             
I hit send on a message Michael might not get for days.

~
~
~

I’m physically shaking as we pull up to my old house. Nothing has changed. The flowers are planted out front for the summer. The parking lot is already full. My parents are here. My brothers and sisters are here. Daniel is dead. My heart is pounding. Jackie climbs out of our rental car and comes around to open my door.

“Dani?” It’s Jill. “Oh my gosh! Dani!” She comes up and gives me a hug. “I’m so so
rry about Daniel and everything. Y
ou look amazing!”

I look down briefly at my simple black dress and heels.

“So you and your parent’s are talking again?”

“I don’t know.” I manage to get out.

Her face falls. “Oh, okay. Well it’s good to see you.”

“You too,” I say. But I really don’t mean it. She was one of the first two to ditch me.

“Who was that?” Jackie asks. She doesn’t look impressed.

“A friend who turned out not to be a friend at all.”

“I see.” Jackie breathes out the words.

I make it all the way across the parking lot and into the church. I haven’t been inside anything but a Mormon church in so long that it feels weird here.

Everything is just how it used to be. The piano I used to feel both relieved and tortured by is still in the corner. The
cross made
by one of the neighbors out of oak is in the center, high up on the wall. For me that’s now a symbol of death. The cross was where Christ hung and died. Why not celebrate that He lives?

I don’t know where to go. And then I see my family in the front row. I take a few deep breaths in. I don’t think I can face them. Just as I decide to take a seat in the back I hear Hannah’s voice.

“Dani?” She jumps off her seat in the front row, runs back to me and hugs me tightly. I barely recognize her. She’s a teenager now, not a
gangly kid. I pull her close
and shut my eyes. Family. It feels good. When I open my eyes Mom
’s facing me. She’s crying, and
squeezes me until I can’t breathe.

“Oh Dani.
I’ve missed you so much
.
Daniel has told us all about you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too, Mom.”

“You’re family. C
ome sit in front.”

“Dad?”

“I will take care of your dad. You will sit with your family. He was your twin, part of your soul.”

Mom always said that Daniel and I shared the same soul. I used to laugh at that because
we always seemed so different, but now that he’s gone, I sort of understand. It’s a piece I won’t get back. Not in this life.

Dad doesn’t look up or speak as I walk past him and take my seat. Jackie sits one row behind me. She’s right here if I need her
, and I’m so relieved for it
. Glori
a is doing the music, of course. A
nd Isaac is sitting next to dad with his wife.  He also doesn’t look at me. It doesn’t matter. I’m not here for them. I’m here for Daniel.

I think about what I believe during the se
rvices. They’re missing so much—
all the best parts.
The parts about being together forever.
The part where we can have eternal families.
I’m sad for their lost knowledge.

I picture Daniel’s face when he’s told the Mormons are the ones that have it right. I see him laughing and knowing his sister got it right before he did. Bu
t just like when we were born—
I’m only ahead by a little
,
and he’s bound to surpass me quickly.

I wipe away a tear,
but it’s a tear of mixed joy and sadness. “I love you
, Daniel.” I say quietly, and
get goose bumps in response.

The services finish. I’m aware of very little. I pull a piece of paper out of my purse where I’ve writt
en all of my information down and
give it to Hannah. “Keep this and give it to Mom, okay?”

“Are you leaving already?” She takes my arm.

“Dad doesn’t want me here,” I tell her. “It’s okay. You write me though, alright?”

She nods
,
and I stand up to leave. Mom grabs me in another big hug. I tell her how good I am and how much I miss all of them and that Hannah has all of my information. I stop in front of my father
, still shaky, but better
.

“Hi, Dad.”

He says nothing. I don’t know why. I
guess i
t’s better than him telling me to leave.

“Love you, Dad.” And then I head for the door. Jackie is right behind me. My life over the past two and a half years flashes before me. Standing behind the church in the middle of
winter admitting I was pregnant. L
ying in my bunk listening to the first few chapters of the Book of Mormon.
Days and nights with Michael’s mom and sister.
And now Seattle, working and going to school and living.
I’ve come so far.

“I’m ready to go home.”

“Are you sure?” she asks.

“I’m sure.”

We pack up our hotel room and she makes flight changes. We have some time to ki
ll so
I show her where
Michael and
I went to school. I show her his house. I tell her about all the time Michael and I spent together when he was afraid to touch me or to tell me how he felt. I show her the church where I was baptized. It feels good. I feel more settled about leaving this time. I’m not running away this time. I’m going home. This is a place of memories for me, not a place with future. Not for me.

~
~
~

My phone rings w
hen we’re at the airport.
M
y parent’s number.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Dani?”

“Hi, Mom.” I wonder what she wants.

“I’m so sorry about your father, Dani. He’s a stubborn man.”

“Its okay. It could have been worse.” I don’t even want to think about how many ways it could have been worse.

“I wanted to tell you that Daniel left you a few things. I’ll mail them to you.”

Tears just start to come. I can’t speak.

“He wanted you to have his dog tags and he had a large insurance policy. He set aside some for your father and I
,
but 150,000 is yours.”

I gasp. I cannot conceive of that much money. I start shaking.

“Dani?”

“I’m here, Mom.” It comes out in this weird squeak.

“I’m proud of you
,
honey. You’ve done good things.”

“Thank you, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I’d trade every penny for my brother back
,
but
as tears stream down my face,
I know exactly what I’m going to do with it.

32

“Wow,” Sean says as he steps inside my new place.

“I warned you. Y
ou’re the one who said you wanted to help anyway.”

“No, no. I did.” He looks overwhelmed. The place really is a disgusting mess. We drove to a drugstore first to get cleaning supplies. I’m now realizing we probably should have cleared the shelves of cleaning supplies. It’s even worse than I remember. But it’s mine.

Well, it’s still Clint’s, but I’m in the process of buying it from him. Daniel would be proud of me.

I spend half the day in the bathroom. The
bathroom
. I’m no longer afraid to use it though. The kitchen is in the biggest need of help. There’s a large utility sink a few lower cabinets and a two burner stove. Sean is tearing it to pieces, except for the sink. New cabinets are being installed tomorrow and appliances and counters the day after.

I decide I’ll sleep in the lo
ft, even though it’s small and
turn the small room on the way to the bathroom into a small living room and changing area for people coming for portraits. It’s like a dream
,
and I’m doing it. I feel good. Independent. Strong. It’s a new feeling
for me and one that I love
.