My Forever (41 page)

“To top everything else off, joining the Mormon Church isn’t the only reason I got kicked out of my house. I was pregnant at the time and am now auntie to my birth daughter who lives a few blocks north of Safeco field. I was on the lap of the father that day on the bus.”

“Wow.” He looks at me. “And you didn’t tell me before because…”

“Because it’s a big deal
,
and it makes me feel stupid.”

“Well it is a big deal.” He gets up and starts to walk away. I knew he’d go. “But it shouldn’t make you feel stupid, Dani. We’ll see you around.” He looks hurt.

“Sorry.” But I’m sure he doesn’t hear me.

It’s kind of an anti-climactic ending to something that never really got started. This seals it for me. I don’t know why I even tried to move past Michael. I
am
going to follow our rules though.
Unlike
him
.

~
~
~

Elder Mason,

Don’t break the rules again.

Love,

Dani

BTW – Jackie isn’t nearly as much fun when she’s in law school.

In fact she’s perfectly grouchy.

~
~
~

I spend an hour writing my brother a letter where I say everything. I tell him about my argument with Michael, with Jackie. It helps me sort it all out in my head. I apologize for dumping it on him. I tell him I miss him and for him to be safe. I wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and then drop the letter in the mail.

~
~
~

My meeting with my bishop goes better than I expected. By the time I finished my whole story about Hank and drinking and kissing he’s trying to hold in his smile. I’m relieved.

“You need to spend some time being really prayerful about what you want to do
,
Dani.” He looks at me across his desk. “You’re a special girl. I hope you see it.”

“Thanks.” I’m confused. “Is that it?” I ask.

“That’s it. This is between you and your Father in Heaven, Dani. We’ll see you next Sunday.”

“Thank you.” I guess this is good. I’m not sure.

27

“
Dani
!” Clint pulls me, and then Jackie, into a big hug when we come over for Thanksgiving. Heidi
has catered again
.

“We wanted to keep it a surprise…” Heidi starts.

“We’re going to Hawaii for Christmas!” Clint yells.

“
Eeee
!” Jackie looks more enthused than she has since school started.

“Oh no.” I shake my head. “I can’t possibly…”

“We’d really like to have you, Dani.” Heidi reaches over
and grasps my hand
.

“Hawaii?”

“Hawaii.” She nods.

I’m in shock. I can’t believe this is happening, or going to happen. I listen to them planning and talking. It doesn’t feel real. Not yet.

I watch Clint all through dinner. Even though Michael was adopted, he has some of his father’s mannerisms, and even though they don’t look physically alike, they
are
alike. It’s a good lesson for me. I miss Michael when I watch his dad. I miss him and it hollows out my chest.

“Jackie and I are going to go upstairs,” Heidi announces. “I have to sort out my closet before that benefit thing we do every year.” She looks at me. “You’re welcome to come up too, Dani.”

“No thanks.” This sounds like their thing.

“I
t’s like a clothing garage sale,
” Clint explains after they’re gone. “Except the women all try to best each other in how many designer labels they’re so bored with they’re willing to give to charity.” He laughs a little. “Heidi wins often. It’s become sort of a big deal, they now change locations every year and they like to think that women all over Seattle are waiting with baited breath to find out where it will be this year.” He seems amused by the whole thing.

I smile.

“Well Dani, since we’re alone, I have some pictures I think you’d like to see.”

“Okay.” I get up and follow him into their family, or living or whatever room this is. He pulls out two photo albums from the bottom shelf of one of the massive bookshelves.

“These are pictures of Michael as a baby. Heidi doesn’t like these because I was married to Collette.” He winks at me.

It’s fun seeing him like this. I want to return the favor. I want to show Michael some of my youth, but it’s lost in Alaska. It makes me miss him but it also makes me feel closer to him. I realize I’ve been pushing him away over this past year. I’ve been living my life in fast-forward and blocking out way more than I should. I need to slow down and enjoy the moments and enjoy the knowledge that I’m loved or at least liked by Michael Mason.

We move on to the next album, obviously after Clint and Heidi got married.
Michael’s in high school for most of these pictures.
Jackie’s always around and I even see a few pictures of the elusive Bridger. He looks like Heidi’s son and Jackie’s brother, it makes me wonder what Jackie’s dad looks like since his genes lost out on both kids.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Clint asks.

The simple question brings tears to my eyes. What do I say to that? He puts his arm around me.

“I’m really glad you’re here. You’ve been good for my son. I believe that.”

I want to cry again but
don’t. I do let myself lean into Clint for a moment. He smells like Michael does.
             

~
~
~

Hermana
Le Claire,

That’s
funny,
your name is kind of like a lesson in culture or something, right? Things are good. I try not to worry too much when I don’t hear from you in a while. I know you’re busy. I heard that you’re joining my dad, Heidi and Jackie in Hawaii this year for Christmas. I’m so relieved. I hated not being there for you last year. And just think, next year I’ll be there.

I want to know what’s going on with work. Maybe you could send me some of your photographs? I’d love that. You’re fun to brag about
,
my little
chica
. Okay, I’m probably getting too personal again, but I don’t want our letters back and forth to be all business you know? I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you like we did when we were sitting on the couch together at my mom’s house, or like we did on Jackie’s dock, or porch or whatever you call something like that on the water.

I laugh.

Anyway, I don’t like our rules. I miss you. If you pray about it and need to move on, I’ll understand. Otherwise, I vote we ignore the rules.

Love,

Elder Mason

I hit reply.

Elder Mason,

             
I agree and I love you.  I miss you so bad that I can’t imagine being away from you as long as I know we’ll be apart.

Dani

P.S. Looked at your baby pictures without you. It was fun. You had a cute bum.

I hope that makes him laugh.

~
~
~
             

I come out of my room positively giddy to throw something together for dinner. I can hear Jackie watching
French
Kiss
again, probably she’s doing her homework. She usually watches something she’s seen a million times or doesn’t need to pay attention to while she reads.

“What’s with you?” She asks over a textbook as I float through the kitchen.

“I…” I pause for dramatic effect, “Just got the nicest letter from Michael
,
and I’m shocked that I even attempted to take his advice and pretend that he doesn’t exist.”

“Well, yeah.” She looks annoyed. “I will never, ever understand how you could go out with anyone when you have Michael.”

I feel a little like she just kicked me in the chest.

“I was only doing what he
asked
me to do!” Are we back to this?

“Whatever, Dani.” She shakes her head and goes back to reading.

“No! What’s
with
you?”
My heart’s pounding—
letter forgotten.

She sets her book back in her lap. “Michael is the kind of guy that every guy should want to be.”

It hits me hard. “You like him! You’re in love with Michael!”

I nailed it. I can see it in her face. I’m amazed she’s been so nice to me.

“He’s my brother, Dani. He’s in love with you,
really
in love with you
,
and I don’t want to see him get hurt.”

“He’s only kind of your brother.” I’m staring at her, her whole body’s tense.

“Dani.” She sounds exasperated.

“Why did you let me stay here?” I ask more quietly.

“
I’m not talking about this
.” She shifts her book on her lap and stares at it.

It’s final, I can tell. I’m suddenly not sure if I nailed it or not. But I’m pretty sure I did.

Oh. Yeah. Hawaii should be
fun
.