In Search of Lucy (7 page)

The need to let off some steam led Lucy to Kelly’s after her appointment—a semi-regular destination spot for her. It was where she went when she couldn’t be alone but didn’t want to be with people either. Kelly’s was a small Irish tavern with a few casual tables and a bar, which is where Lucy preferred to make her perch.

She walked in the double-door entrance and as usual scoped out the bar area to see if it was worth staying. The longer side of the L-shaped wood bar was optimal so Lucy could have her back to the tables. It was only a little after four, so most of the tables were empty. She noticed only one man sitting at the bar, but regrettably he was right smack in the middle. She’d have to choose either end and decided on the left side against the wall. As she walked toward the bar, she noticed the bartender look up at her, causing the customer to follow his gaze. The man looked to be about in his mid-fifties. He wore khaki pants and a polo-style golf shirt, and he had a pale face with light eyes. He gave a nod and raised his glass as Lucy passed.

“Good afternoon,” the bartender said in a mellow voice. It was as though he had a sixth sense, to read a person’s mood and respond with the particular tone of his greeting. He slapped a napkin down in front of Lucy as she took her seat. She recognized the bartender as the young, scruffy-faced guy who had served her before, but she wasn’t sure he recognized her. Maybe he knew she wasn’t looking for friendly banter. “What can I get ya?”

Lucy could feel her neighbor’s eyes on her and wondered how many drinks he’d had. Guys like that didn’t faze her, but she wasn’t in the mood to deal with some drunken idiot. Over the years, she had developed a sort of loser radar, especially since that was mostly the type of men that she encountered around her mother.

Once when she was seventeen, her mother was supposed to be taking her and Katie to stay with one of Linda’s friends for the weekend. She wouldn’t say why, only that she had to leave town for a couple of days. On the way they stopped at a house. “Just some guy I know,” Linda explained in the car. Said she had to pick something up before her trip. Katie sat on Lucy’s lap for about fifteen minutes while Linda was back in another room. When they started to hear arguing, Lucy got nervous. They could hear the man calling Linda names and telling her to get out. Lucy sent Katie to the car, and in a wave of panic, she took her mother’s car keys, forty bucks from the guy’s wallet, and ran out the door. Lucy drove them back home since she didn’t know where Linda’s friend lived. She couldn’t believe she actually did that. The bizarre part was that Linda came back a few days later and there was never a word spoken about it.

“I’ll have a Crown and Coke,” she said to the bartender, finally snapping out of it but without making eye contact. Beer and wine were fine for home, but she needed something a little more effective. A sudden noise, and she made the mistake of looking to her right and met eyes with the man.

He raised his glass again and said, “How’s it going?”

Lucy smiled and turned away. She didn’t want to give a false aura of friendliness. But the middle-ager didn’t take the cue. He stood as if wanting to stretch his legs. Then he looked over at Lucy, cupped his napkin around his drink, and slid it across toward Lucy. She lifted her eyebrows and gave him a look that said,
Don’t even think about it
. What could he possibly see in her anyway? No makeup, wearing faded jeans and a white long-sleeve shirt, not to mention drinking alone at bar.

The man slid his drink right back and immediately sat down. “Ookaay.”

The bartender smirked as he brought Lucy’s drink and set it down in front of her. “Here you go.” Then he turned to the back counter and began drying glasses.

Lucy took a big sip of her drink, hoping to instantly drain the pressure from her brain. The last few weeks had finally caught up to her. Until now, she had basically been running on autopilot—forms, needles, exams had all been formalities. None of it seemed to be for any real purpose. She was going through the motions, full bore—until today. The psychological evaluation had really made all of it seem so real. Her mind was racing. She took another drink, this time almost finishing it. The second the bottom of the glass touched the napkin, she raised it again and finished it off. She sat still for a while, watching the bartender as he hung the last of the glasses he was drying. She could see his face in the huge mirror that hung on the back wall, and she slouched slightly to avoid seeing herself.

“Another?” he asked when she caught his eye in the mirror.

Lucy nodded in agreement, and he went to work preparing another drink. The door behind her opened and closed over the next twenty minutes, and the ensuing patrons filled in vacant tables. Lucy didn’t take notice of the increasing volume of clinking dishes and glasses, and muffled conversations.

After her third drink, she started to feel guilty. This was not the effect she was seeking. The pain was supposed to be decreasing, not increasing. She tried to sort things out in her brain, but nothing was clear to her.
Why am I doing this?
she thought.
Is this how I help my sister? By saturating my kidney with alcohol?
But she wasn’t just feeling guilty, she was angry too. Why did everything seem to fall on her shoulders? Why had she gone through all that with her mother and taking care of Katie, only to have Katie run out on her?

Now all of a sudden Katie needed her again. Lucy wasn’t sure she could take seeing Katie again, taking care of her again.
I can’t help her…because I can’t help myself.
That was it. She finally realized that it wasn’t just the feelings you would expect when a loved one was sick. Lucy was bitter and scared and frustrated. She remembered the days when she thought she couldn’t go on. Now…she had to. She had no choice. That was a frightening thought.

Suddenly the room started to spin, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Digging through her purse for some cash, Lucy stuck a pile on the counter. She needed some air and had to get out of there. On instinct, she looked for help from the annoying man at the bar but was confused that he was no longer there.

She walked around for about an hour before she finally decided to call Benny for a ride home. He didn’t hesitate, knowing that was something Lucy just didn’t do. Plus, he didn’t mind a chance to be around her. Even though he joked about what a pain she could be, he found himself growing fonder of her, and Lucy sensed it as well.

In the car Lucy didn’t say a word for a long time, and she was grateful Benny didn’t ask any questions. She gazed out the window and was in such a trance she didn’t realize that a single tear started to roll down her cheek. An old man on a bicycle watched her as they slowed to turn the corner. She took a deep breath and tried to hold it all in. She’d become an expert at that back in school when teachers used to ask what was wrong. At first she would cry and then make up some story about someone teasing her or a test or something. Eventually she had learned to control it. She would simply say that she was just tired. They were just about home when the dam burst. Lucy began to sob. Tears were flowing, and her chest began to heave. Benny looked over, startled, but he still didn’t say a word. He didn’t know what to do or say, but fortunately they were just about home.

In the parking lot, he reached for her, put his arm around her, and held her. They stayed still in that position. A salty wet spot formed on the corner of Benny’s shirt, which didn’t matter much since there was already a hot sauce stain from lunch. Lucy could not comprehend what was happening to her. Out-of-control emotions were not her thing. Could all this be about Katie? Was it just the illness? Maybe it was the first time in a long time that she had someone she could trust enough to let go. No matter what it was, it was all powered by frustration: terrible things that should never have happened, dreams that never came, love lost. Lucy felt lost.

When she finally reached the end and the storm was blowing over, she still remained on Benny’s shoulder. It felt safe there. After a few minutes she lifted her head. “I’m sorry, Benny,” she said. Her voice barely came to her.

“You don’t have to say anything to me, Lucy.” Benny rubbed her arm and brushed her hair from her face. He wished he could do something for her, but he knew it was up to her. “I’m here for you, girl.” He tried to make his voice sound lighthearted. Looking into her big brown eyes was starting to take effect, and he worried that he wanted to kiss her. He resisted, knowing that would be a mistake. He didn’t want to ruin things, but more than that, it was just wrong. You didn’t take advantage of a crying girl.

Even though Lucy still had thirty more minutes to be ready, she still felt like she was running late. Her bed looked like a discount table at the end of a big clothing sale. She had already tried on four outfits, and she was wearing possibility number five. She looked in the full-length mirror on her closet door and wondered what this outfit said about her. The first two choices were simply too outdated. They had been her standard “going out” outfits for about four years. The next one was a tight blue dress that just seemed way too desperate, and number four was a skirt and top that had a big stain right on the front of the skirt. She forgot that she had brushed up against one of her paintings a while back and could never get the spot out.

Walking over to her dresser, Lucy picked up her cell phone. She scrolled through her received messages and selected the last one from Kyle so she could double-check what he said about the restaurant.
Nice, but not too formal,
his message stated. She walked over and looked in the mirror one more time. She was wearing long black, non-pleated pants and a sleeveless black and lavender shirt. The pants touched the floor, but the black heels she just picked up to put on would bring the hem to just above the floor. She knew she would be cold in that outfit, but she didn’t have a cute enough jacket to match, and the look was the priority over comfort. Just as she was about to slip on the first shoe, the doorbell rang.

“Shit!” Still holding her phone in one hand and the shoes in the other, she checked the time on her phone. She still had about twenty more minutes and was hoping to recheck her hair and the little amount of makeup she had put on. She swiftly shoved her feet into each shoe, turned her light out, and shut her bedroom door. Skidding past a mirror on the living room wall, she took a last look at herself and then opened the front door.

“Benny?” Her voice sounded surprised and stressed.

“Ooh…check it out, mama caliente!” he said in his best Mexican accent. He was trying to be funny even though he really did think she looked great.

“I’m sorry about the other day.” Her voice trailed off as she walked away from the door and Benny followed.

“No worries, girl. You know you can always count on me.”

Hearing that made her happy. She was starting to believe it.

“You got a hot date tonight, I see.” He walked in a circle around her. “Who’s the lucky guy? Hey, is it that Kevin guy you told Anne about?”

“What? She told you about that?” she snapped, sounding embarrassed. “Look, Benny, I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t have much time. He’ll be here any minute.”

“Hey, I’m just here being a good neighbor.” He pulled an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to Lucy. “This was in my mailbox by mistake.”

Lucy took the envelope and examined it.

“It’s got your last name on it…but it says Linda,” Benny said curiously while Lucy continued to stare at the letter.

“Did you just get this?” she asked when she noticed the postmark on the envelope.

“Uh…well, I’ve actually had it for a week or so.”

“What? Why?”

“It looked like it was from a collection agency, and well, you know I’m used to getting those. I usually just pile ’em up on my desk. I didn’t think to look at the name and didn’t notice it until I was going through my stack and went to open it.”

“Geez, Benny.” She tossed the letter onto her kitchen table. “Well, I don’t have time to deal with this now, but thanks for bringing it over.” She walked over to the door and grabbed the knob. “I really need to finish getting ready.”

Benny didn’t move. “I know I’m being nosy now, but who’s Linda? Is that your sister, the one who’s sick?”

“She’s my mother. She owes some money, and they don’t have any contact information for her, so they’re hassling me.”

“That stinks, Lucy. So your mom is avoiding them, or she doesn’t have the money? I know how that goes,” he said, trying to sound sympathetic.

“My mom is avoiding everyone. I haven’t seen or heard from her in over three years. I had to deal with all her crap then, and now I have to deal with this!”

“I’m sorry, Lucy.” Benny walked over to her. “I didn’t mean to get you all worked up again and ruin your…
date
.” He reached out to give her a hug, and she accepted halfheartedly. “I shouldn’t have asked,” Benny said, rubbing her back just a little too low for her comfort.

With one of Benny’s arms still around her shoulder, Lucy pulled open the front door and led him into the doorway. “It’s okay, Benny. I’m fine…
really
. Thanks for coming over.”

Just then Kyle walked up and was standing inches away from Benny and Lucy arm and arm.

“Oh, hi,” Lucy said casually.

“Hi, Lucy.” Kyle quickly stopped in his tracks to avoid running into them.

Benny took his arm off of Lucy’s shoulder and reached out to shake Kyle’s hand. “Hey, man, you must be Kevin.”

“It’s Kyle.” He shook Benny’s hand. “How’s it going?”

“Good, man. I was just leaving.” Benny sidestepped past Kyle and gave him a quick slap on the back. “You kids have fun tonight.” Benny was halfway down the hall when he yelled, “Not too late, Lucita!”

“Sorry about that,” Lucy said, embarrassed. “That’s just a friend of mine who lives down the hall. Come in.”

“You look great, Lucy,” Kyle declared as he walked in and stood in the middle of the room. He had on khaki pants and a dark blue button-down shirt that had faint gold stripes running down the sides. She envied the color and smoothness of his skin even with the tiny bit of five-o’clock shadow. “I hope I’m not too early, Lucy.”

Was it her imagination, or did he tend to say her name a lot when they were speaking? Either way, she liked it. There was something about the way he said “Lucy” that sent a charge right through her. Maybe it was due to the fact that she hadn’t had many dates in her life and even fewer boyfriends. Most men didn’t have a chance to make it to a second or third date.

“No, I’m totally ready.” Lucy remained standing awkwardly at the door. “Just give me one sec.” She walked by him close enough to leave a trace of her aroma. He knew it wasn’t perfume, probably her hair, and almost instinctively he wanted to follow her.

“Great, I’ll just wait here then.” Planting his feet down, Kyle appeared to convince himself he was being totally cool.

In her room, she urgently picked up her purse and gave her hair a couple of flicks. She didn’t want Kyle out there alone too long. She figured his place was probably a lot nicer than hers and definitely bigger.
Just try to have fun tonight,
she thought to herself. A good way to not be disappointed is to not expect too much. But as she walked back to the living room, she found herself hoping for more.