In Search of Lucy (18 page)

Lucy tried to rub away the goose bumps that kept popping up on her arms. She was almost freezing and definitely frustrated with herself. How could she not know it would be cold in a hospital and dress accordingly? It had been such a beautiful morning, and she’d gotten used to putting on tanks and tees.

Getting up from her seat in the waiting room, Lucy walked out to the hall, hopelessly thinking it would be warmer out there. If she wasn’t so bored, it wouldn’t seem so bad. But if she was being honest with herself, boredom wasn’t the only thing causing her shivers. So many things were racing through her mind; it was like playing a video game. Each thought had to be considered and tossed aside or somehow neutralized with rationalizations. Sure, she was nervous about the surgery. Who wouldn’t be? Nevertheless, her main concern was not for herself, it was for Katie. Lucy thought about what happened Saturday night at the restaurant. She wondered what would happen to Katie in the future if she didn’t have the operation.
We don’t have to worry about that now,
she told herself. She walked back in and took a seat, hoping that Katie would walk in any minute. She was starting to get used to seeing her face again, and now suddenly she didn’t like being alone.

While everyone seemed like one big happy family the last couple of days, this morning they were all going their separate ways. Rick and George each had work to take care of, and Lucy and Katie both had appointments at the hospital. That just left Anne and Carly. Rick and Katie had planned to put Carly in the summer day camp program, but it didn’t start for one more week. Anne graciously, yet reluctantly, offered to stay behind and watch Carly. It wasn’t that she didn’t like children, she just didn’t have much experience with them. Being an only child and working in the family store didn’t afford her much time with kids. She’d never even babysat before.

“You’ll be fine,” Lucy told her in the morning before leaving. Offering her own expertise, she added, “Just play some games with her, let her watch one TV show, and give her a sandwich when she starts to get hungry.”

“Okay, but I’m calling you guys if I have questions.”

Lucy had received one text from Anne about an hour earlier letting her know everything was going well. Lucy responded that Katie was already through and had gone to speak to one of her nurses. Lucy was just about finished herself. This was her last stop for the day.

As she sat waiting, Lucy marveled at how professional and efficient the hospital staff had been. She’d never had so many strangers be so nice to her in her whole life. The nurse coordinator, Liz, continued to update her every step of the way, as well as every other nurse she encountered. And Katie was right. Anne would make a great nurse. Lucy could just picture Anne right there, sporting her giant smile and wanting to take care of everyone. She was happy that Anne would be pursuing her dream.
But what about my dream?
Lucy thought to herself.
Do I even have one? I definitely couldn’t picture myself doing this.
The time away from Amy’s was nice, but she realized now that she didn’t ever want to go back. She didn’t even know why she went through with technician school. It had actually been her mother’s idea. Linda wanted Lucy to go right after high school, thinking it was a smart idea to have a skill. Lucy finally gave in to the nagging some years later and entered into a program. She convinced herself it was somewhat artistic to make herself feel better.

A grumble in her tummy reminded Lucy she hadn’t eaten since seven thirty last night. It was now two o’clock. The ultrasound had required she fast, and that test was currently standing in the way of staving off starvation. Should she go up and ask how much longer? Somehow she felt like her actions there would reflect upon her sister, and so she decided against it.

Through the doorway she watched as a man pushed a woman holding a baby in a wheelchair. She pictured her six-year-old self skipping closely behind as she had done twenty-four years ago. There was a vague memory of the day her mother went into labor. Her stepfather Tom’s secretary picked Lucy up at the house and took her into the office while Tom drove Linda to the hospital. She wasn’t sure if she actually remembered that or if it was just hearing Tom tell that story over and over.

He had often told stories about Lucy growing up, which she loved because it made her feel like he was her true father. When Katie was born and Lucy was taken to the hospital, the memories she had of that experience were crystal clear. Tom told her, “You have a baby sister now, Lucy.” And Lucy instantly took that to heart, thinking somehow that Katie was hers. She would never forget touching Katie’s head for the first time. She told her mother, “Her head looks like a peach.” She rubbed it gently in a circle. “It feels like one too,” she had said, smiling at Tom. From that moment on, Katie seemed to be her purpose. She started out as Mommy’s little helper, getting diapers and watching over Katie when Linda left the room. Then Lucy took it upon herself to take on more and more responsibility, doing everything she could to take care of her little baby girl.

How strange she suddenly felt thinking how things had gone full circle. At the same time, she felt completely let down.
So this is what my life boils down to? I wrap myself up in everyone else’s problems? That seems pretty pathetic. But it’s all I’ve got. It’s all I’ve ever had.
Her self-pity session was briefly interrupted by a nurse opening the door next to the receptionist window. Lucy held her breath.

“Michelle?” the woman called, reading the file in her hand.

“That’s it!” Lucy whispered to herself. She decided right then and there she was not going to sit around and wait her turn any longer—except for today of course. She would take charge of her life, find her own purpose. Helping her sister was the right thing to do, and she would do it. But there had to be more, and as soon as she got home, she would figure out what that was. The only thing she knew for sure was that these last few weeks had made her see that she was her own worst enemy. Lucy needed to escape herself and the image that she laid upon herself.

“Looks like we’re almost there, Katie,” Liz told her as they stopped at the nurses’ station. “Can you believe it?” Liz rested an elbow on the counter and gave Katie an endearing smile.

“I know, but it won’t seem real to me until it is actually happening.”

“Well you know we’re all behind you, Katie,” Liz said. “And Rita and I will both be here for the surgery.”

Katie and Rita, the head nurse, had grown close over the years, even closer than she was with Dr. Brady. Over the last few months, Katie had really confided in Rita. They’d had several in-depth conversations about life, family, and Katie’s future. She even sought advice from Rita, sort of like a motherly figure. That was definitely something missing in Katie’s life.

“It’s such a blessing that your sister was a match and that she was able to do this,” Liz added, grabbing a stack of files.

“Yeah, I feel very lucky to have her now.”

“Maybe this will bring the two of you closer.” Liz’s comment seemed to startle her, like she remembered that Lucy had traveled there for the operation. She tried to clarify her statement. “I mean, even if she goes back…this is something that really connects two people.”

Katie knew what she was trying to say. She had already been thinking it herself. “I think it already has, Liz.”

When Lucy came out after her ultrasound, Katie was sitting in the waiting room looking at a magazine.

“How’d it go? Are you doing alright?” Katie’s guilt for putting her sister through all this was starting to show.

“Fine…no problem,” Lucy said. There was no need to share with her the fact that she hated having to lie there for so long. It was standard for that type of test, but once, when the tech guy disappeared behind the glass window, he was gone from Lucy’s sight. She watched the clock for six straight minutes before he was in view again. “Just a few more minutes,” he told Lucy, knowing she probably wondered if he was screwing around back there or doing his job.

“Great, I guess we’re ready to go then.”

“Yep.”

The two walked out, both giving a sigh of relief that they’d made it through the day.

“I saw a vending machine down the hall; let’s get something. I’m starving.”

“Liz had a snack and some juice waiting for me at the nurses’ station. Sorry I didn’t get anything for you, but they were concerned since I hadn’t eaten.”

“No, it’s okay. Besides, I had my eye on that crumb cake.”

Katie told her that she had called Rick just before Lucy came out and told him to pick them up in half an hour. So they still had a bit of time to wait. He’d dropped them both off at the hospital in the morning so they could leave Katie’s car at the house. They didn’t like the idea of leaving Anne and Carly there with no transportation in case of emergency. It was still too hot to wait outside, so the girls took a seat next to the exit with a view of the parking lot.

“This is kind of weird, don’t you think?” Katie said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, us two sitting here…waiting for a ride. How many times in our lives did we do that before?”

It was true. On a pretty regular basis, Linda had left Katie and Lucy waiting around somewhere to be picked up. “You’re right, I hadn’t thought about that.”

“You always made it fun while we were waiting though.”

“That’s because you were always bugging me and trying to get me to play one of your word games.” Suddenly realizing the glare from the sun was bouncing off the glass door and pounding on her shoulder, Lucy scooted closer to Katie.

“Hey,” Katie laughed and nudged Lucy with her elbow. “You’re the one who taught me all those games.”

Just then Lucy’s phone rang in her pocket. “Yeah, I guess so,” she said, pulling out her cell. She glanced at it, and after one more ring, she hit the reject button.

“Don’t you need to get that?” Katie asked. “I mean, I don’t mind.”

Lucy stuffed the phone back in her pocket and said a firm, “No.”

“Is everything okay?”

Lucy stared straight ahead. She hated that feeling. The one where you’re going along feeling pretty good, like your life is starting to change, and then one little thing happens and socks you right in the gut. “It’s fine.”

“But you seem upset now. I know, it’s totally none of my business, but I just want to help.”

“Really, can we please just drop it?” Even though Lucy was trying to protect Katie, at the same time she was starting to feel pressured. Wasn’t she sharing enough with her sister? Did she have to give her every detail of her life as well?

Katie seemed to know she had overstepped her bounds, assuming the two could be open with each other. “I’m sorry, Lucy. I shouldn’t have been so pushy.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s just that—”

“What?”

“I guess that I feel guilty…and this may sound dumb, but when I see you unhappy I worry. I wonder…if you’re having second thoughts.” Katie turned her body toward Lucy and looked her in the eye. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Katie, I’m not having second thoughts. I wouldn’t do that.” She decided it was better to be honest than to leave her sister worried and in the dark. “The call…it was from a bill collector.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Katie suddenly brightened. “Lucy, if you need money, Rick and I would be more than happy to help you.”

“No, it’s—”

“Lucy, what you are doing for us is priceless. It would be the least we can do.”

“You don’t understand, it’s not my responsibility.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“It’s Mom’s. She owes money, but somehow they got my number.”

Katie was speechless. Lucy could see that she was searching her brain for something. “Have you been in touch with her?”

“No, I haven’t seen or heard from her in a few years, and I don’t plan to.”

“Lucy, you shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff, with her debts.”

“I’m not dealing with them. I just ignore them. They can’t make me pay; they just want me to help them find her.”

“Don’t you ever want to see Mom again?”

Lucy knew she was skating on thin ice with Katie and the topic of their mother. She wondered how much Katie actually remembered about Linda, not to mention the fact that your perspective can change as you get older.

“You know, we should probably save this discussion for another time, maybe after the surgeries,” Lucy urged.

Katie checked the time on her phone to determine if Rick would be there soon. She was starting to look run-down, but she wasn’t ready to table the discussion yet. “Maybe this is the time when we really need family. A time for second chances—like you and me.” She examined Lucy’s face for a clue, something that would tell her how Lucy was feeling.

“Katie, you have a wonderful family. Rick and Carly and George—they all love you so much.”

“But what about you? One of the hardest things for me has been the thought of you being all alone.”

“Yeah, but it didn’t have to be that way.” Just as the words were spilling out, Lucy realized that it was probably not the best thing to say.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I thought we talked about this all the other night.”

“I’m not talking about you this time. I’m talking about my father.” Lucy could see the confusion come across Katie’s face. “My
real
father. You know Mom would never tell me who he was, or even anything about him? I loved Tom and thought of him as my dad, but now it’s different. Not having him around makes me realize that I’m always going to wonder who I am and who my real father is.”

“Lucy…I…I’m sorry. I guess that’s something I really hadn’t thought about.” Katie put her hand on Lucy’s and looked out the window trying to find the words to help her sister, but nothing else came.

“It’s okay. I don’t want you to worry about it, really. I shouldn’t have said anything. Like I said, we can talk about all this after.” Lucy’s comfort zone was becoming cramped quarters. She searched for an escape and to her fortune saw Rick pulling into the parking lot. “Look, there’s Rick. C’mon.” Lucy stood and walked toward the door followed by Katie.

Although she had said those words to her sister, Lucy really didn’t plan on talking things over with Katie. After the surgery, she just wanted to get home. To try and get on with her life. Actually, to start her life. There was no point in dredging up all the old memories, all the debauched episodes of the past. It was time to let it all rest.