e (7 page)

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/3/00, 5:36pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	PHWOOOAR!

Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the pussy scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like Daphne in
Frasier.
Brace yourselves. I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

	David Crutton – 1/3/00, 6:09pm
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	where the fuck’s my creative department?

I just walked our Freedom client through our “energetic, buzzy creative department” and it’s like a ghost town – tumbleweed in the corridor wouldn’t have been out of place. Even your hot shot Pinki was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried and trusted principle of “last in, first out” (which would put you at number five on the list).

	Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 6:42pm
to:	David Crutton
cc:
re:	where the fuck’s my creative department?

I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

It is time to apply Timberlands
à derrieres.
Leave it to me.

By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

Apparently they bombed out our campaign before Christmas, but
even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet “forgot” to mention it.

We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots. As a top billing comic double act, I doubt they will take kindly to being cancelled.

We are up a creek by the name of shit.

Sans
paddle.

As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently
difficile
in the first place.

Si

	Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 6:44pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	teams

Susi darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/3/00, 6:48pm
to:	David Crutton
cc:
re:	Mako

Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large. To be frank, I share their misgivings – L&L are about as unfunny, unhip and downright unattractive as it’s possible for comedians to be. Despite this opposition, Simon remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting, Mako were surprised and disappointed that we were re-presenting the same work.

Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

	Susi Judge-Davis – 1/3/00, 6:50pm
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	teams

Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling . . . Sx

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/3/00, 6:59pm
to:	James Gregory
cc:
re:	Mako

You were at the meeting, so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

	Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 7:28pm
to:	Creative Department
cc:
bcc:	David Crutton
re:	your careers

A nightmare is developing on Mako.

We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

Is it a gold?

Si

	Nigel Godley – 1/3/00, 11:34pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	anybody out there?