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ATTACHMENT

C
HIEF
E
XECUTIVE
O
FFICER
– il maestro, le chef de cuisine, the head honcho and the person with whom the buck most certainly stops.

H
EAD OF
C
LIENT
S
ERVICES
– The power behind the throne, if you will. Custodian of all the agency’s clients and responsible for the performance of everybody in the Account Management Department. A crucial part of his job is to approve every
CREATIVE BRIEF
before it goes to the Creative Department. These unassuming forms are the “sacred
texts” without which no piece of advertising can be conceived. It is fair to say that with such a spectrum of responsibilities, a Head of Client Services must possess both fierce drive and a passionate vision.

A
CCOUNT
D
IRECTOR
– In charge of day-to-day running of one or more accounts; runs a team of account managers and executives; in turn reports to the Head of Client Services.

E
XECUTIVE
C
REATIVE
D
IRECTOR
– If the Head of Client Services supplies the client with an expansive blank canvas, then the Creative Director applies those vivid splashes of cobalt, verditer and vermilion that bring his humdrum products so gloriously to life in the nation’s parlours.

T
HE
C
REATIVE
T
EAM
– Each comprises of a
COPYWRITER
and an
ART DIRECTOR
. The Creative Director allocates creative briefs to teams and then nurtures from them their finest work.

ATTACHMENT

C
HIEF
E
XECUTIVE
O
FFICER

Some CEOs have been known to have a brass sign on their desks that reads
“the buck stops here.”
This is either a misprint
or a bare-faced lie. It should say “the buck
starts
here.” The CEO is in the highly responsible position of having to designate the mug who will officially carry the can for whatever mire the agency has landed itself in. All he/she needs for this are a comfy and ergonomically designed swivel chair, an internal phone list and a nice, shiny pin. Decisions, decisions
 . . .

H
EAD OF
C
LIENT
S
ERVICES

Sounds grand, and so it should because this title was invented as compensation for those witless Account Directors who will never, ever make CEO. They have no power whatsoever, but if they begin sentences with “as Head of Client Services . . .” often enough, it will make them think that they do. This title also impresses at cocktail parties where no advertising people are present.

A
CCOUNT
D
IRECTORS

Lightbulb Joke #1:

Q – “How many account directors does it take to change a lightbulb?”

A – “How many would the client like it to take?”

This tells you all you need to know about account directors.

C
REATIVE
D
IRECTORS

All creative directors are Useless Tossers. This fact has been established in a number of clinical trials. It doesn’t matter how good they were
before
they were creative directors (and, no kidding, some of them were certifiably brilliant), the moment they settle into that palatial corner office with the wide-screen TV and Bauhaus furniture, they assume the mantle of Useless Tosser. This phenomenon has baffled the few scientists who give a shit, which, to be frank, isn’t many.

C
REATIVE
T
EAMS

Legend has it that the modern copywriter/art director creative team was invented in the sixties by the advertising luminary, Bill Bernbach. This is bollocks. In fact it couldn’t be more bollocks if it were wrapped in a soft leather scrotal sac and suspended between the hind legs of a bull. The truth is that the first team actually paired up after seeing David Bailey’s iconic shot of the
Kray Twins. Upon viewing these infamous East End gangsters performing their patented sneer into Bailey’s Box Brownie, our embryonic duo were gobsmacked. They figured that if they too joined themselves at the hip, wore natty suits with skinny black ties and contrived to look well ’ard, it would serve to scare anyone from account management off who had the temerity to suggest “a few little tweaks” to their work.

Lightbulb Joke #2:

Q – “How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?”

A – “Fuck off, I’m not changing a thing.”