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Call him the minute you finish stuffing that disgusting baked potato into your face. His number’s in the Rolodex under Hunter, McPhee & Partners. Tell him I need to see him immediately. That means this afternoon. I don’t care where he is – in conference, court, Val d’Isere,
it doesn’t matter. If he tries to be elusive remind him not only of the hefty retainer we pay his practice of shysters, but also of the fact that his son has a blossoming career in advertising thanks to me.

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 2:10pm (6:10pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	pants down

We’ve had the
Sun
snapper on our verandah taking shots of us through the window. Doesn’t look too good – the contents of the mini-bar are scattered on the bed and Vin is comatose on the floor in nothing but a Vivid Pictures Mondo Porno T-shirt. Worse still, I’ve got a bloody towel wrapped round my head and half a tub of Body Shop Mud Mask on my face – don’t even go there. Mel just hammered on the door. Dawn call tomorrow. Can you believe we’re gonna finish this shoot? I’d better rewrite this sodding script.

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/12/00, 2:11pm
to:	David Crutton
cc:
re:	LOVE

I’ve talked to Mel. The bullet points:

No good news at all, I’m afraid. The best-case scenario is that Ivana decides not to press charges and we can present the whole thing as a silly misunderstanding. I’ve spoken to my
Sun
contact. It looks like this will be tomorrow’s front page. Well, how could they resist? She says she’ll do what she can to mitigate the damage to us, but expect no favours. Frank Sinton is ex-
Sun
marketing dept and was none too popular (fired for touching up his secretary and taking kickbacks from his ad agency – good enough reasons for them to twist the knife). She says her editor would dearly like to talk to you. Let me know what else I can do.

	David Crutton – 1/12/00, 2:15pm
to:	Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re:	LOVE

Thanks. I’ve spoken to Sinton’s boss. He agrees that we should circle the wagons on this. He’s reading Sinton the riot act and asks us to keep him on a short leash. I’m going to see our lawyers in a short while. We’ll speak when I return.

	Zoë Clarke – 1/12/00, 2:18pm
to:	Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re:	the news!!!!

The Crettin swore me to secrecy but I’ll explode if I don’t tell someone!!!! All that stuff about not talking to the papers is cos of what’s happening on the LOVE shoot. Apparently the client attacked Ivana Trump!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tried to give her one on the beach!!!!!!! It’s gonna be in all the papers tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! The Crettin is going ballistic!!!!! Says he’s gonna sue everyone!!!!!! He’s going to see the lawyer in a mo. I’ll come and see you as soon as he’s left and tell you everything!!!!!!! Zxxx

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 2:22pm
to:	[email protected] [email protected] [email protected]
cc:	Harriet Greenbaum
re:	the six-million-dollar balls-up

Thank you, Melinda, for finally bringing Harriet up to date with your mess. Now that I am fully apprised here are your orders.

Melinda, you are in charge. Take no shit from anybody. Your first priority is to keep whatever lid you can on this fiasco. Do whatever you can to make the peace with the Trump woman and convince her it was an understandable case of mistaken identity. If necessary give her our client list and tell her to name her price for appearing in a high profile campaign for any one of them.

Then you must get the shoot back on the rails and finish the commercial. You will not come home without it.

None of you will speak to any journalists. That goes for production company and crew as well. Melinda, you will take Vince and Brett to one side and tell them that if I read anything in tomorrow’s papers that suggests they have been dragging the good name of this agency into the sewer, then they would be better off not boarding the return flight.

Daniel, you have one job. You will attach yourself at the hip to Frank Sinton. You will keep him out of any further trouble. You will not let him within 200 yards of anyone who possesses so much as a hint of breasts.

Simon, if you have left your room by now you will return there immediately, place the “do not disturb” sign on the door and lock yourself in. You will not come out until Melinda knocks to inform you that it’s time to come home. I have seen you in a crisis. You are not only a cringing embarrassment, you are a liability.

Melinda, I expect you to keep Harriet abreast of any developments, however minor. She will debrief me as necessary. None of you have covered yourselves in glory so far. Spend the next three days doing whatever you can to make amends.

	Lorraine Pallister – 1/12/00, 2:24pm
to:	Zoë Clarke
cc:
re:	the news!!!!

I already know. I’ve seen the e’s from Brett to Liam. In fact the whole department knows now because Liam’s opened a book on tomorrow’s
Sun
headline:

Come down and have a flutter. By the way, Judge-Dredd is sorted. I took her aside before lunch and had a heart to heart. Told her we had to try a little harder to get along and be friends. (I shoved my nail file up her nostril and said that if she didn’t lay off being queen bitch I’d give her that nose job she’d always wanted but could never afford.) It seems to be working. She just brought me a coffee and asked if there was anything I needed a hand with. Sent her off to get me some fags. Did I do good?

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 2:33pm (6:33pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	what is happening?