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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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PERTTI VAN HELDEN, YOU ARSEHOLE.
Katie Philpott – 1/12/00, 11:45am
to:
Lorraine Pallister
cc:
 
re:
warning

Golly, keep your hair on! I was just being friendly. I jolly well shan’t bother in future.

Zoë Clarke – 1/12/00, 11:47am
to:
All Departments
cc:
 
re:
David’s schedule

David’s IT session is over and his diary is back to normal. – Zoë.

David Crutton – 1/12/00, 12:03pm
to:
Lorraine Pallister
cc:
 
re:
well done

I have just read your e-mail to Susi, which she kindly forwarded to me. Good work.

Lorraine Pallister – 1/12/00, 12:05pm
to:
Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
 
re:
bitch

Ladies’ bog. Now.

[email protected] 1/12/00, 12:13pm
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
I really need you!

Have you woken up yet, darling? I’ve just had a ghastly row with Lorraine. She threatened me with a nail file. I tried so hard with her as well. As usual, Rachel has taken her side. I don’t know how David got involved but even he stuck up for her. Everyone’s having a go at me and I don’t know what to do . . . Sx

[email protected] 1/12/00, 12:21pm (4:21pm local)
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
STOP PRESS!

The Trump Affair has moved up a gear. Me and Vin were in the bar and got talking to this bloke. He was buying us drinks and asking us stuff about what we were doing here. Then he wanted to know what the score was with our Ivana. Turns out he’s a
Sun
hack. He’s here with a snapper trying to get shots of a topless McCutcheon – only a rag like the
Sun
has nothing better to do than chase ex-soap stars halfway round the world. Anyway, he’s onto a much bigger scoop now. We clammed up when we found out who he was but I think we’d been quite mouthy up to then. You know what it’s like – a few beers, and a bloke who’s impressed that you’re shooting with a bunch of soft porn stars – well, you exaggerate a bit don’t you? Vin told him he was the Creative Director and I think we made the whole thing sound a bit juicier than it maybe was. He’s doing the rounds
now. Just saw Mel tell him to sling his hook. Fat Frank is back from the police. He and Desperate Dan are working on the grovelling apology in the hope it’ll persuade Trump not to press charges. Got to admit, it’s a crack. I got my picture in the
Brighton Argus
at nine for hooking an unexploded German mine when I was fishing with my dad. Thought that was a buzz, but it had nothing on this. I’d buy all the red tops tomorrow. I smell Fat Frank’s name in 140pt Franklin Gothic Bold Condensed.

[email protected] 1/12/00, 12:33pm
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
LOVE

I have just read your e-mail and feel wonderfully reassured. I am sorry that I fretted at all – silly me. I won’t worry one jot about the call I just received from the
Sun
asking me if I’d like to comment on “the sexual assault” of Ivana Trump by one of our clients. I am sure it is piffling, trivial, nothing at all to concern me. If it was anything more than a silly storm in a teacup you would be straight on the phone with a full and frank explanation. Wouldn’t you?

David Crutton – 1/12/00, 12:39pm
to:
Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
 
re:
LOVE

We have an impending crisis that threatens to engulf everything. See me now.

[email protected] 1/12/00, 12:40pm (7:40am local)
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
Coke

Harriet, I must say that I was impressed with your honest, yet sensitive, handling of Pertti. David also tells me that in Daniel’s absence you are running Coke with aplomb. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to see a previously unsung member of the Miller Shanks family rise and shine.

I spoke to David a couple of days ago about having an early sight of the Coke strategy and creative. As yet he hasn’t sent it through – too busy running a top-20 agency, I guess! I’d be obliged if you could get the material to me as soon as possible. I have a wealth of experience on Pepsi from my days at BBDO so I might be able to make a modest contribution.

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