e (23 page)

David wants to see us right away. His office, two minutes.

	Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 5:04pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	arsehole

Complimenting our work? It must be fucking brilliant. Horne shat on us big time. Had a go at everything, including Vin’s T-shirt. Even
threatened to take us off LOVE – twat. I’ve been on the phone to the headhunter. Vin called his mum. Apparently she once went to his school and kicked the living shit out of his maths teacher when he gave Vin a bad mark. Said teacher needed reconstructive surgery on his ear. Letitia the fluffy headhunter had fuck-all in the way of jobs, so I reckon we’ll call in Mrs. Douglas and her big baseball bat. We’re off to BZ – no point hanging round where we’re not wanted. See you there.

	Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 5:07pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	censorship

Godley’s Office Supplies is no longer open for business. It seems that
certain people
in this company do not wish to see initiative in the ranks. I fully expect to join Ken and Carla on the streets for writing this e-mail, but I’ve always believed in speaking my mind. I’ll be at the Earl of Wessex at six should anyone wish to share an ale and a fare-thee-well with me.

Nige

P.S. I would also like to point out that, unlike the so-called “trendy” Bar Zero, the Wessex forswears “fancy” imported lagers and serves an excellent pint of real British ale, not to mention pork scratchings.

	David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:17pm
to:	Pinki Fallon
cc:
re:	Mako

Harriet has shown me your Mako idea and I have to say it’s pretty bloody good. See me at 5:30 and we’ll discuss. Until then perhaps you and your scruffy partner can give some thought as to how you’d like to break the news to your boss that you’ve been sneaking work around behind his back.

	David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:19pm
to:	Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re:	who?

I pride myself on being a caring chief exec who’s at one with his staff, but please answer me this. Who the hell is “Nige,” what is he going on about and should I give a toss?

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 5:20pm
to:	Vince Douglas Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	tosser

Boys, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Crutton wants to see Pinki and me on Mako. Haven’t shown Horne the work yet, so it could be fun when this gets out. I’ll be at BZ after that. Lol’s coming. By the way, I’m getting fan mail from the new girl, Katie. She fancies me. Have you seen the arse on it though? Mad eyes too. Definite bunny-boiler.

	[email protected] 1/5/00, 5:32pm (7:32pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	who?

You must be more pressured with work than I am realising to not know about Nige Godley. He is indeed a Pillar of Hercules inside the Miller Shanks network. For much time now your Nige and Matti Littmanen of our own accountings department have been sharing productive e-mailings which result in a super-dooper efficient computer system to control our inventory of stationeries. This has made a major contributing factor to our becoming the 11th most profitable office in the European organisation.

He is not all work, work, working either. He is being an
enthusiastic partner in a cultural exchange with our
Babylon 5
fan club here in Helsinki. I am already recommending Nige to Jimmy Weissmuller for a senior network position. He is exactly the type of far-sighting personality we need to meet the challenges of the next 2000 millenniums.

May the Force be with you – Pertti.

	David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:38pm
to:	Chandra Kapoor
cc:	Rachel Stevenson
re:	come in, Kapoor, your time is up

What exactly do you get up to in your den in the basement? Macramé? Tai chi? Or do you just sit on your arse and watch daytime TV? Because whatever the fuck it is, it’s not fixing the fault on my e-mail. You have until the morning.

	Letitia Hegg / [email protected] 1/5/00, 5:44pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	new stars in the firmament

Si, darling, thx for Xmas cocktails at la casa Horne. Always a pleasure, and I’ve yet to meet a living soul who knows his way round the Spanish wine regions as well as
el Horneo.

On to business. I have a team that you will simply want to eat for brekky. Charming, talented and multi-multi-award winning, they are the toast of Italian advertising. Now they are dying to try their hands in the toughest arena of all. Their English is a bit flaky, but these days it’s all about the big visual, isn’t it? Words are so 20th century. At this mo’ they’re my little secret, but that won’t last. Trevor Beattie is already sniffing and soon it will be flies round shit. If you’re interested they’d come in at under 150k the pair. Shall I fax you their CVs?

Let me know pronto, and kisses to gorgeous, gorgeous Celine – Letty xxx

P.S. It wasn’t me who told you, but your two likely lads, Vince and Brett, are putting out feelers.

	Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 5:59pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	DRINKS