Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (24 page)

Here are practical steps you can take to nurture healthy B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S:

B
Begin a new way of thinking about yourself, about God, and about abuse (Romans 12:2).

— God did not create you so that you would be abused.

— Abuse is a sin against God’s creation.

— You were not created to be abused.

O
Overcome fear of the unknown by trusting God with the future (Psalm 34:4). Memorize:

— Deuteronomy 31:8

— Psalm 56:3

— Isaiah 41:10

U
Understand the biblical mandate to hold abusers accountable (Psalm 10:15).

— Confrontation is biblical.

— Confrontation can be used by God’s Spirit to convict the abuser.

— Lack of confrontation enables abusers to continue abusing others.

N
Notify others of your needs (supportive friends, relatives, or others) (Galatians 6:2).

— They must believe you.

— They must be trustworthy.

— If you leave, they must not divulge your new location to your husband.

D
Develop God’s perspective on biblical submission (Ephesians 5:21).

— Submission never gives a license for abuse.

— Submission is not to be demanded; it should be a voluntary deference to the desire of another.

— Submission is designed by God to be a way of life for everyone.

A
Admit your anger and practice forgiveness (Hebrews 12:15).

— Confirm the hurt.

— Confess your anger.

— Choose to forgive.

R
Recognize your codependent patterns of relating, and change the way you respond (Galatians 1:10).

— Don’t respond fearfully, hiding the truth.

— Don’t think you can change him.

— Don’t take responsibility for his behavior.

I
Identify healthy boundaries for yourself, and commit to maintaining them (Proverbs 19:19).

— Communicate your boundaries.

— State what you will do if he crosses your boundaries.

— Follow through if he crosses your boundaries.

For example: State firmly that the next time he abuses you, you will call the police, or he can no longer live at home, or you will leave with the children. Then follow through with the promised action.

E
Ensure your personal safety (and the safety of your children) immediately (Psalm 4:8).

— Have an action plan.

— Know ahead of time where you will go and whom you will call. Have the necessary numbers easily accessible.

— Involve your church. Know, in advance, the person to contact for help.

S
See your identity as being a precious child of God through your belief in Jesus Christ, an identity that cannot change, rather than your role as a wife, a role that can change (1 John 3:1).

— God chose you.

— God adopted you.

— God redeemed you.

Is the “headship” of a husband a license to harm his wife?
Does your head tell your hand to grab a hammer and hit your eye?
No, your head protects your body—it matters not the price.
So the husband as the head should protect his wife with his life.

—JH

Psalm 11:5

Proverbs 19:19

Romans 13:1

Matthew 18:15-16

Proverbs 27:12

Galatians 1:10

Psalm 4:8

Isaiah 43:18-19

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Codependency, Critical Spirit, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Forgiveness, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Hope, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting, Reconciliation, Rejection, Self-worth, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Victimization, Worry
.

S
trained relationships…continual tension…a sense of “walking on eggshells” every time you walk in the door…

Dysfunctional families are damaging to individuality and the development of healthy relationships among its members. Sons and daughters, husbands and wives are impaired emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually by at least one person who continually demonstrates improper or immature behavior. Dysfunctional families may gather around the dinner table every night, but their table is in a ditch. Opinions are ridiculed, diversity is disdained, and more, all due to a domineering, emotionally destructive presence. God’s design for the family is to be
functional
, a nurturing environment where love and respect are cultivated.

“He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise”

(P
ROVERBS
11:29).

—
engages
in some form of immature, inappropriate, or destructive behavior to the detriment of other family members.

—
allows
the inappropriate behavior to continue, without establishing boundaries, to the detriment of other family members.

— The
hero
tries to fix family problems and help create a positive family image with noteworthy achievements. This child receives positive attention but often develops perfectionistic, compulsive behaviors.

— The
scapegoat
draws focus away from family problems and onto himself or herself with rebellious, uncontrollable behavior. This child consumes time and energy from family members and often develops self-destructive life patterns.

— The
lost child
hopes that by ignoring family problems, the difficulties will go away. This child avoids attention and is often lonely and withdrawn.

— The
clown
uses humor and antics to direct the focus away from family problems. This child is often hyperactive and usually seeks to be the center of attention.

— Both household and individuals are poorly organized

— Family is plagued by problems

— Parents are inconsistent and indecisive

— Children are emotionally abandoned

Result: Family members are not connected.

Remedy: “A man of understanding and knowledge maintains order” (Proverbs 28:2).

— Structure is overly rigid

— Tone is authoritative and dictatorial

— Parents tend to be faultfinding and critical

— Children are task oriented; value is placed on their performance

Result: Family members are fearful and insensitive.

Remedy: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

— Parental authority is lacking

— Feelings are overprotected

— Disagreements are avoided

— Children are the center of attention

Result: Family members are undisciplined.

Remedy: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24).

— Conformity is strong within the family

— Self-direction is lacking

— Parents are overly possessive

— Children are smothered

Result: Family members are insecure.

Remedy: “Love the L
ORD
your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5).

— Structure and discipline are maintained by parents

— Individual responsibility is required

— Love and obedience to God are developed

— Children are secure

Result: Family relationships are balanced.

Remedy: “There, in the presence of the L
ORD
your God, you and your families shall eat and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the L
ORD
your God has blessed you” (Deuteronomy 12:7).

Put your feet on the path to recovery and pull yourself and your family out of the ditch of dysfunction. Christlike maturity will come as you travel the Road to Transformation and as your family becomes emotionally healthy.

Give
yourself time to grieve your past.
⁴

— Pray for God to reveal your grief.

— Choose to be honest about your pain.

— Give yourself permission to grieve.

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy”

(J
OHN
16:20).

Give
up your need to be controlling.

— Recognize that God has ultimate control.

— Trust in God’s sovereign control.

— Submit to God’s control of your personal life.

“Cast your cares on the L
ORD
and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall”

(P
SALM
55:22).