Zenith Fulfilled (31 page)

Doug wrapped his arms around her and held her, touching her for the first time since his return. He talked into her ear and his hand rubbed her back. He was kind,
trying very hard to be connected. Most of all, he was there.

The girls surrounded both of them, crying softly, and holding onto their parents.

Rebecca drew back and glanced around the room. The receptionist was staring at them with tears in her eyes. And there were tears from the older couple, sitting with their poodle, as well as the young, single mother with a cat. No one knew their family was falling apart resulting in more than grief for just their dying dog; it was years in the making. And for some reason, it happened there. Probably once again, thanks to the dog that Rebecca so adored. Minnie managed to bring them together in a way no amount of talking could. Nothing else could have brought them together in a more appropriate way.

Finally, Rebecca swiped at the tears in her eyes, and bent down to pick up Karlee. Doug took Kathy and Rebecca held Kayla’s hand. They silently led their children into the exam room to say goodbye to their dog for one last time
. All the while, Rebecca wondered how many more gut-wrenching goodbyes she could handle.

The rain streamed down in thick torrents, and fat drops of water fell onto her head. The rain soaked her hair in minutes, but Rebecca didn’t notice and didn’t care. Her shirt was sticking to her as soaked through as if she’d taken a shower with it on. She didn’t notice that either.

She stood rooted and immobilized in the yard, staring at the for sale sign in the grass with a
Sold
sticker across it. She stared at it for minutes before slowly wading across the soft, squishy grass and knocking on the front door. Maybe he was already long gone. Gone without a word since she hadn’t tried to stop him. Or contact him. What did she expect? What did she deserve?

But the door opened and there he stood. Rob. He looked the same. He was dry and wearing jeans and a t-shirt with his hair brushed off his face. It was too long, as usual, with too much stubble on his chin, and his tattoos looked all bad-ass and inappropriate as they always did.

“Rebecca?” he asked after a second of taking in her soaking appearance and her red eyes.  “What happened?”

What hasn
’t happened?
she almost screamed. What didn’t happen to her in the last two years? She already had tears in her eyes as she shook her head. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. I’m leaving,” he finally said, his tone sounding heavy as he leaned into the door. “What are you doing here?”

“Minnie’s dead. She just died at the vet’s office.”

“Oh God, Rebecca, I’m so sorry,” he said straightening in the doorway. “How’re the girls?”

The girls. The girls that he loved too. The girls that should have stood like a wedge between them, but instead, were shared by them. Sharing as she once did with Doug, and as she did with him today.

“Crying. Upset. Like they’re not used to that… Doug was there. I don’t know what I’d have done if I’d been all alone. I couldn’t lift Minnie up. She was convulsing on the deck. He had to carry her. What if it happened while he was gone? He never worried about such things when he left, or what kind of burden on me, with all the responsibility. But he was there, and it was good he was there. Good for the girls,” she said,
finally adding, “and good for me.”

Rob’s eyes gleamed. “That’s how it should be, isn’t it?”

“Should? Yes. It is,” she said, looking up the man she shouldn’t still want. Or need. But she did. “But all I could think of was how much I wanted you. I needed you. I deserved you.”

He stiffened since he wasn’t expecting her to say that.
“I wanted you there. I needed you there; and I can’t have that because I owe my girls their father. Isn’t that why you did what you did? Leaving us? Leaving me? Because you knew they needed him?”

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“That’s why I never came after you. I wanted to and really ached to. I lifted the phone up about a hundred times, wanting to call you. But then…”

“Then it’s never been just about us, has it?” Rob finished for her gently.

“No, it was never just us. What are you doing? Where are you going?”

“Los Angeles. I’m moving there. Giving the band thing one last shot. Spence is coming with me. He’ll stay with me, and go back and forth between here and there.”

“But not you. You won’t come back,” she stated, her tone flat.

He shook his head. “There’s no reason for me to come back. Every mistake I ever made was here.”

She wanted to ask if she were a mistake too. They stared at each other. Long and deep. And with mutual pain. The pain of two people who truly loved each other, but knew it was far better not to say so. It was better for them to never acknowledge it.

She remembered what first prompted her to come there, besides her dead dog. She took an envelope out of her purse.

Surprised, he opened it and read it before looking back at her with his mouth open. “You got an agent?” he asked as a smile curled his lips. “I’m really proud of you, Rebecca. I always said you were a good writer.”

She waited a whole week to hear just that. Doug merely grunted at her. He was surprised, but didn’t really know what to say. After all, the book she was trying to publish was about her lover, whom she assumed Doug wouldn’t like reading about, no matter what. No one else knew what to say either, considering the circumstances, now that Doug was back, and they all knew about Rob. They didn’t know w
hether to say congratulations, or are you sure, Rebecca?

Rebecca shrugged. “Doug doesn’t want me to publish it.”

“Because of me? Screw that. You worked too hard, and fought too hard to write it. You get one chance, and maybe not another. Trust me on this. Do it. When Spencer refused to do
Zenith
again with me, I thought my dreams were dead. I got a third a chance at this, and I won’t fail this time. You have to do it, no matter what everyone else says.”

“What if it harms you? If you make it big, and my book makes you look bad? Or makes people not like you?”

“Fuck it, Rebecca. Me. Everyone. Screw what it might do to me, or Doug, or your family. Do it for yourself. For once, do something for yourself. You have my blessing. Besides, you wrote it too well; and you were right, no one will think less of me. You always knew that. Don’t lose that now. Not when you’re already there.”

She shut her eyes, feeling
her love for him in physical pain. And exhaustion. “Was I wrong? You love me, don’t you? Like I love you. I wasn’t wrong, was I?”

He flinched,
but he didn’t touch her, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Don’t, Rebecca. Don’t go back. Don’t go there. Nothing good will come of us talking about things we can’t have, or change.”

“You accept it just like that?”

“No. But I can’t change it. Your kids need you more than I could ever need you. More than you could ever need me.”

“Why does it have to be either or?”

“Because Doug came back. You know as well as I what you have to do.”

She closed her eyes. The reality she’d known for weeks felt even harder for her to grasp. She saw it today, when she turned to Doug while Minnie was dying. She might have been able to rebuild something with him, based on their history, and their kids. But in doing so, she had to ignore her heart, and what could have been with Rob. She had to give up a part of herself to do it.

“Was I wrong? I have to know that,” she finally said, so quietly and wearily, she felt like she could never find the energy to function properly again.

He didn’t answer for a long moment, but lowered his head. “You weren’t wrong
, Rebecca.”

She shook her head. He was so close, she could feel the heat off his body on her wet skin. She moved until her head came to his chest,
and rested against him. Wet and dripping, her head soaked his clothes in a few seconds, but he didn’t seem to notice. His hands came up to her face and lifted her head as his lips moved over hers. Soft, sweet, and tentative, they seemed to mimic her breaking heart. She lifted her head, and their lips practically caught fire. They held each other’s faces, hers still wet and cold. It didn’t matter when the drops of water soaked her, him, their hands, their faces and their clothes. They held each other as their lips and tongues moved together, hot and sad, wet and gentle.

Finally, the sadness outweighed the heat. They stopped kissing, and just held each other. His warmth to her wetness. It didn’t matter though. Nothing mattered to her anymore.

“I won’t see you again, will I?” she finally asked.

“No.”

That harsh one word answered everything she already knew. She couldn’t sit around pining, hoping, and wishing for the day when Rob would return. He couldn’t wait around while she tried to make her family work; and she couldn’t expect him to wait in the wings as her backup plan.

He leaned her backwards, and kissed her hairline. “Keep writing, Rebecca. Publish your books and raise your girls. Be happy. You changed my life. I will never forget that. But we can’t be. Even without Doug, I doubt that we could have ever been more than just this.”

“Because you’re a born singer, and I can’t follow around a band. Not while dragging along three kids.”

“It was really never in the cards for us.”

“Rob, I…”

“Just go home
, Rebecca. Go home to your kids and your husband. Go home and grieve for your dog. Make new dreams. Make a new family. Be happy. Promise me you’ll do that.”

“I can’t.”

“Yeah, you can. You have more guts than any woman I’ve ever met. If you say it, it’ll be so. How the hell do you think I ever ended up having a book written about me? How do you think I ended up with you? You told Spencer to do
Zenith
again, and here we are. You can do anything. You’re stronger than anyone I know. So I believe you can.”

Tears blinded her
and she didn’t feel strong. She didn’t feel like even breathing. Finally, she found her voice. “I promise.”

“Good. You see? Nothing about us was a waste. Now go home.”

She stepped away and he let her go. What else was there to say? It was over. Because they were never free to really let it start.

****

Rob watched Rebecca leave until her taillights finally disappeared around the first corner from his house. He slammed the door. His heart was ripped in two again. Worse than ever before. Worse than when Joelle first told him about Nick. Worse than when Rebecca first said Doug was coming back. Worse because this time, he was the one who sent her away. He was the one to do the right thing. She would have come in and made love to him. He could feel it in her embrace. She wanted him. His comfort. His love. But if he did what he wanted, it would have been worse for her. Acting selflessly wasn’t his norm, and it felt odd. And yet, wasn’t that what he loved about Rebecca? She brought out his best traits; some he didn’t even know he had. She made him feel capable of actually becoming a success in life.

When would Rebecca catch a break? Losing her dog now, of all times? It wasn’t fair, beyond unfair. It must’ve thrown her, maybe even more than falling in love with him, or Doug’s untimely return.

A sense of bitterness overcame Rob. He’d driven Rebecca back to the man who first hurt her so much. The man whom the girls would always belong to. The only chance he ever had of having a family belonged to the man who created it, and then threw it all away as if it were no more than garbage. To Rob, it would have meant everything. They, Rebecca and her girls, would have been the treasure of his entire life.

Instead, he did the right thing, the selfless thing, he let Rebecca go.

Rob pushed Rebecca back to Doug not because he needed to be a singer, or wanted to try
Zenith
again. Not because he was afraid he couldn’t live out in the country and raise three kids with Rebecca. He sent Rebecca home, to her husband, because he loved her so much. He finally, after all these years, found someone he cared about more than himself.

The
winter seemed eternal, the longest Rebecca could remember. It rained every single day in January. There was a cold snap and over a foot of snow that stopped life for nearly two weeks, a once-in-a-decade occurrence. And wind and flooding and rain. Continuous rain. And ceaseless gray. Days on end of clouds so socked in, it felt like the house was free-floating in the atmosphere. The days of winter ran together into an oppressive gray with no light, no sun, and nothing to counteract the deep, dark, cold, wet days.

On th
ose gloomy days, Rebecca would often lie in bed, listening to the rain on the roof and dreaming of what palm trees looked like waving against a warm blue sky, and basking in seventy degree temperatures. She wondered what the ocean surf on the warm beaches would feel like. All the time, she kept wondering what Rob was doing at that very moment in Los Angeles.

She started having a recurring dream of Rob and her on such a beach… and they were together. They held hands, and walked and laughed and talked and kissed, as if she weren’t with someone else, or the mother of three little kids,
and he was not pursuing a dream. It became a fantasy that she used to get through the long, depressing, dull days in which she had no interest. She closed her eyes and daydreamed of ocean beaches, palm trees, freedom, and Rob. Always with Rob.

She also imagined if they met earlier, and could’ve been together, what would it have been like? Who would they have been like?

When Doug surprised them all with a trip to Disneyland for Christmas, Rebecca wondered why. Why would he choose to take her so close to Rob? But, of course, she realized that wasn’t fair, since Doug didn’t know where Rob was, and Rob was someone they never talked about. 

So instead of staying home
on Spring break, and trying to relive old traditions, they went to sunny California and had a wonderful time together. Doug and Rebecca Randall and their three kids. They went on every ride, saw all there was to see, took Karlee through every princess shop, and met every princess they could. They walked until their feet were blistered and the kids were grumpy from being tired and eating too much sugar. They had a marvelous time.

All except for when Rebecca lay in their Anaheim hotel and wondered how long it would take to drive the rental car to wherever Rob was. It must have been only a handful
of miles, or an hour, but very easily drive-able. And doable. She could secretly leave the hotel room and find Rob. Then Doug would turn over, or the girls would sigh in their sleep, and she’d remember that she was there with her family. Where she belonged.

Spring was
in full swing. It rained a lot, but there were also spurts of sunny days, and pleasant temperatures, when Rebecca could almost remember why she lived where she did. Days when the blue sky seemed to frame the endless trees and sparkling rivers with clean air and new flowers.

Summer came, and melted into fall. Some months later, her first book was finally accepted by an editor for evaluation. That was what finally pierced through her foggy mind. Now she had to wait while hoping they would contract it. It was a huge obstacle to overcome, however, being asked for the entire manuscript, and not just the proposal. Doug took her out to dinner all alone. He seemed proud of her and even bragged to people about his wife, the author. The newfound note of confidence from Doug totally surprised her.

Another thing that she didn’t expect was how much Doug changed, just as she had. He was kinder, caring, and listened more. He backed off any arguments with her, and quit his condescending, heavy-handedness with which he used to rule their household. He changed for the better and seemed to realize how much he’d lost. He respected her for having the mercy to let him come back home. He was even grateful for
it.

The new school year brought changes to her girls. Kayla started seventh grade and began wearing makeup. She often tried leaving the house in low-riding jeans and a too short top.
And so it begins
, Rebecca thought. Though only twelve, Kayla was showing the first signs of what to expect in the coming years of her blossoming puberty and teens. Kayla was moody. At times, she acted Kathy’s age, while at others, she pretended she was sixteen. But she was visibly happier with Doug home, so in the long run, she was much better.

Kathy entered the fourth grade, and they learned she was struggling in reading. They had to have her evaluated and enrolled her in an out-of-school center to help her catch up. That took two afternoons of Rebecca’s time. Kayla started dance class again, only this time, she was performing in the dance school’s elite group, which practiced two days a week and every Saturday morning. Karlee started kindergarten three days a week, more back and forth running around for Rebecca.

Rebecca quit work again, and returned to being a full-time, stay-at-home mom. She had plenty of time now to write, but drew a blank for the next book. She couldn’t muster the energy to even figure out how to go about selecting her next addict. It didn’t exactly inspire or motivate her right then, of all times, to seek one out.

Life went on and their routine became more normal. The alterations it underwent with Doug back eventually also
became normal. He went to work and came home each evening, regularly asking Rebecca what was for dinner, and the girls how their days went.

Doug accepted whatever Rebecca said or did to him, and gave her more space. Sometimes, she wouldn’t speak to him for days. Others, she was kind and polite, appearing even normal, when she got tired of working so hard to maintain her remoteness.

In mid-fall, nearly a full year since she last saw Rob that day at his house, she received a notice from Erica Mattox’s office, saying she was due for her yearly gynecological exam. Instead of being smart, and finding a doctor closer to where she lived, she continued to see Erica. She went specifically to speak with Erica, because she was married to Spencer, and he played in a band with Rob.

Erica usually had her nurse practitioner run the annual exams, but she did Rebecca’s personally, at Rebecca’s request. The exam was routine. Fine. It was a little weirder now, considering what they shared in common. Rebecca waited until she was dressed again and sitting in one of the exam room chairs before she asked, “Do you see them often?”

Erica was never one to play dumb. “Yes. I spend two weeks here, and one week there.”

“It must be hard. Being apart.”

Erica clicked her pen shut and put it in her pocket. “I hate it. To be honest, I used to love my space, but now, I just resent it. However, Spencer deserves a chance to become what he’s always wanted. I got my chance to become a doctor.”

“That’s noble.”

“It also sucks,” Erica said, smiling. “So why don’t you ask what you really came here to ask me.”

“Is he okay?”

Erica nodded. “Rob’s fine ,Rebecca. He’s sober. He’s not partying. He’s working. They are both working very hard and good things are happening.”

Rebecca nodded
and stared at the floor. She almost looked up and asked, yeah, but does he miss me? Does he ache for me as I do for him? Does he sleep with other people? Does he love someone new? Is he happy? Instead, she said, “He’s where he should be.”

Erica smiled. “Are you
, Rebecca? Are you where you should be?”

She shrugged listlessly. “I’m with my kids. My husband. There’s nowhere else I can be.”

“No. You’re right about your kids. But…”

“I can’t shake the lethargy. Everything I used to do takes so much effort now, and it used to be the very thing that kept me going.”

Erica studied Rebecca’s face. “Do you think you’re depressed?”

Did she
think? No, she knew she was deeply depressed. She couldn’t quit crying over her dead dog.

“Rebecca?” Erica said more sternly.

“I miss him,” Rebecca finally admitted what she could say to no one else. There was no one to share it with. Her family accepted Doug again, after the first initial coolness towards him, but nonetheless took him back. There was Joelle, whom she was close to, but she was married to Nick and Rebecca didn’t want Nick to know. Nick was acting weird towards her ever since Rob left. He showed up a lot more, unexpectedly and out of nowhere, saying that he was checking on her. He encouraged her to write more often and told her to take some time for herself. He asked a lot of questions about Doug. It was unlike Nick to meddle so much.

But still, there was no one to whom she could confess how much she missed her boyfriend.

Erica touched her hand. “Have you thought about talking to someone professional? You went through a lot during the last few years, what with Doug leaving, coming back, and your kids’ emotions. Your own emotions. Then Rob. Have you thought maybe you could use some help dealing with those things?”

“What? Like counseling?”

Erica nodded. “Yes, I wouldn’t recommend it if I didn’t think it could help you. You’re angry. And sad. Maybe you should figure out why and what to do about it.”

Rebecca never considered she was clinically depressed. Was she?

“We could put you on some anti-depressants. I think that would be the first thing. But  I would strongly encourage you to go see someone.”

Rebecca took the card Erica gave her. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe it was more th
an just having a hard time snapping out of moodiness.

“Why now? Doug left and I dealt with it. Now that he’s back, why should I fall apart now?”

“The mind’s a complicated thing, and hormones, emotions, and moods can easily spiral into depression. Perhaps you couldn’t allow yourself to while he was gone, but now you can. Now you’re allowed to. Maybe it’s simply because you loved Rob and didn’t want to give him up.”

“You won’t tell him, will you? That I need medication and mental health professionals?”

Erica smiled. “Doctor-patient confidentiality. But even if he knew, he’d only want you to feel better. No matter how you did it. I do know that about Rob. He cares about you. Still. Probably always will.”

“Must be kind of weird talking to me about your best friend’s ex.”

“I helped Joelle get over Rob a long time ago. This time, it’s different because he was so different. But that’s not all that’s going on with you.”

Rebecca took the prescription that Erica filled out and handed to her. She also took the referral for a counselor, and seriously thought maybe she’d call her.

“Erica?”

“Yes?”

“Will you tell him I said hello? No, that sounds insipid. Just, oh, never mind.”

Erica stared at her
and nodded. “Take care of yourself right now. Don’t worry so much about Rob or Doug. Just take it easy on yourself.”

She
got up and collected her coat and purse. “Thank you, Erica. You were well worth the drive.”

She laughed. “Will you call me if you have any questions? Problems? Or if you need anything?”

Rebecca nodded, relieved for the support and someone telling her what to do to feel better. What made her gladder still was knowing Rob was okay and still sober. Now she had to figure out how to make herself okay.

****

She started the anti-depressant and within a month, began to feel its effect. Her moods didn’t sink quite so low, and her energy perked up a bit. Her thoughts became clearer. She still wasn’t normal, however, and finally called the counselor Erica recommended. She went there. And went. And went. She talked about things she never knew how much she needed to discuss. Doug. Her girls. Being abandoned. Doug’s return. Her anger at giving up what she really wanted. The guilt for wanting things beyond her kids and family. She was filled with a rage that surprised her the more she talked about it.

She received word that her book was going to be published, but didn’t tell anyone for three days. When she did, they didn’t know what to say, because it was about her ex-lover. She didn’t have anything to say either.

Then one day, she took Karlee to school and walked her into the class. When she got back into her SUV to go home, she started the vehicle and sat there for a few moments until the radio came on. She started to back out, when unexpectedly and quite miraculously, it seemed, there he was.

Rob Williams’ voice was coming out of the stereo in her car, on the radio. She screamed  and pulled forward before stopping in the parking lot. She turned up the volume as loud as it would go, her hands squeezed the steering wheel with disbelief that she was listening to Rob’s voice over public radio. Tears came into her eyes as she heard
the song.
Rob had a song on the radio!
She closed her eyes. He could have been right there, singing to her. Her heart lifted in joy and excitement.
Rob did it!
She opened her eyes and laughed at the sheer joy of his success. Something she hadn’t felt like doing in a year. She realized then that anything was possible in life.

Glancing out her window,
she noticed the car parked next to her, and the woman talking on the cell phone, staring at Rebecca as if Rebecca just jumped out naked and started dancing on top of her car. Rebecca smiled, laughed, and waved. Her heart finally felt something that went far beyond the normal routine of loving her kids.