Zenith Fulfilled (28 page)

When they finished, and played the last few notes, Rebecca didn’t want it to ever stop. She could have sat there all day and listened to it in Rob’s spare master bedroom, all strewn with dust and unused instruments.
There was nothing professional or pretty about it. The only thing to focus on was their music. That was
Zenith
, and suddenly, she got it. She finally knew what almost destroyed Rob, but what also made Rob the man he now was.
Zenith
was the vehicle that brought him here, in every good and bad way. But it couldn’t be over anymore. She understood now in that moment of epiphany just as clearly as she knew her own name. Rob was meant to sing. The thought twisted her heart. Oh God, Rob wasn’t anywhere done with this.

The girls got up and started clapping and cheering. They surrounded Rob and hugged and even kissed him in their excitement. They
, of course, had no clue of what Rob could do. Rebecca did, however. She knew, but ignored it. She didn’t give it much more thought or credence. That wasn’t right, and it wasn’t okay to ignore such irrefutable talent.

“That was—
”

“Fooling around
, Rebecca. You should hear us when we actually practice,” Rob said, smiling easily.

She couldn’t imagine it getting any better; but of course, he knew it could.

“You guys are amazing,” Rebecca said to Spencer. He was smiling as Erica said something into his ear. Spencer glanced at her, the girls, and Rob. Finally, he nodded and she saw something clouding Spencer’s eyes. What? What could it be? Disappointment that she was there? With her kids? Spencer finally met her eyes and smiled. It gave her an uneasy feeling. What was Spencer thinking?

She
stiffened as the idea struck her.
He wanted Rob to do this.
Spencer knew what Rob was capable of, and tried for years to make him succeed. And Spencer realized, just as she all at once comprehended, that Rob could never achieve his full potential, or develop the scope of his talent, and accomplish his life’s ambition with a single mother and three little girls hanging onto him. The concept overwhelmed her and made her step back in shock.

For Rob to stay with Rebecca, he’d have to give all
this up. Even though he wasn’t doing it right now, she intuitively and truthfully knew he should have been. Working on a construction site as a laborer was a waste of his time. He should have been in a recording studio or on a concert stage, or creating his own music, and not regurgitating what the general population requested. 

Taking the guitar strap off
, Rob stood up and came closer to Rebecca. “Why do you look so serious?”

“I was, uh, actually thinking that maybe I should interview Spencer now.”

Rob looked surprised at her odd timing, but shrugged. “Sure. I’ll take the girls downstairs with Erica.”

The girls. Their girls. They could have been their girls. They could be sharing a house, and the girls, for the rest of their entire lives. Now,
she wanted that more than anything. Somehow, her dream of Doug returning to them had morphed into wanting Rob to come home with her. She wanted Rob to stay in her life. She wanted to divorce Doug, so she could be free when she told Rob she was in love with him. All of him. And she wanted to be with him in every sense of the word.

Spencer got up from the drum stool
and came over to her. He sat down on the chair beside her, his long legs stretched out before them.

“You kn
ow, don’t you? That Rob has to sing?”

Spencer looked over at her, surprised. “I always hoped for that, yeah. But, as you know, it didn’t work out.”

“It has to work out. He can’t settle for the ordinary life he’s living now. Or doing manual labor or something else anyone could do; because no one can do what he just did. What you and he just did together.”

Spencer regarded her with a different expression. “Be careful, Rebecca; we used to think that too. We truly believed we were something special. How do you think Rob and I nearly destroyed ourselves, as well as Joelle, in the process?
Our music.
Rob is under the impression that he can’t do it and stay sober. The thing is: although I believe he could stay sober, the most important thing in Rob’s life is sobriety.”

“He told me what you said: that you were done,
and
Zenith
was done. But after what I just witnessed, it’s nowhere near done. It can’t be. Things could go differently this time. You are both sober now, and have more emotional support. And more money this time. You have access to resources you never did before.”

“You mean Erica?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of the newfound resources available to you? You have to follow this through with him and make it happen. He won’t. He doesn’t believe he can do it, Spencer. Not by himself. I saw it in his face. But I also saw how much he has to. He’s meant for so much more than this,” Rebecca said, waving her hand around, and adding sadly, “more than me.”

Spencer was
listening to every word Rebecca said. Finally, he replied, “I wouldn’t say that. Not more than you. He loves you. And he loves your girls. I didn’t want him to. I knew it when he spoke about you and them; I saw it happening. I knew loving you meant he’d never risk the chance of a musical career again. But after seeing him just now, with the girls, and with you, I have to admit I’ve never seen him so happy. Or content. Rob’s never been content with anything. He’s always on the go, to the next thing, the next person, the next party. You see the restless energy. But with you, and them, he’s content to be just here. In the moment. That counts for a lot, Rebecca. Rob’s happiness counts for everything.”

T
ears filled her eyes as she thought what Spencer just said was beautiful. It meant almost everything. It couldn’t change, however, what she witnessed, and she shook her head. “Yesterday, I would have killed just to hear you say that you thought he loved me and my girls. But now, after hearing you and him play, I realize how much we would cost him. We would, and we will. I know he’d give it all up, and move out to the middle of nowhere with me. But he can’t do that, Spencer, not anymore than I can leave my girls and follow him on his rise to stardom.”

“You really didn’t want to interview me about your book, did you?” Spencer asked gently.

“No. No one knows him, but you… and me. But after I heard him sing, and I saw the difference in him, I know he needs that, if he is ever to be sincerely happy. He needs to know he made it and achieve the success he deserves. Long term, and in the long run, he’ll regret hooking up with me.”

“I don’t believe that’s the case.”

She shook her head. “I do. I really do. He needs to sing before he can ever be happy, and truly at peace with himself. I know about your shared adolescence, and the beginnings of
Zenith
. Hell, I knew everything, but I still didn’t see it, the answer, until this very moment. He has to prove it to himself. Or the ghost of his father. He has to resolve all of his doubts. And I don’t think he can give that up. Playing just now, how did you feel? Is it still done for you too?”

Spencer stared at her. “I don’t know. I thought it was. I’m happy now. I don’t want to leave my wife. But Rob and I spent years planning and dreaming about this, and
Zenith
. It makes me wonder though…”

“What it could be like sober? You mean, now?”

“Yeah.”

The door opened and Erica stood there. “I’m sorry, I was coming to see if you minded if we started dinner. I… hell, Spencer, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

Spencer stood up, startled by her presence. “Because there was nothing to tell. Just things to wonder about.”

She came towards him. “No. That wasn’t just w
ondering. It’s facing the truth. What did I tell you when we got married? I have months of unused vacation. We can make things work out. If you need to try this with Rob again, I’m right there too. We can do this.”

Spencer put his arms around Erica as he stared into her eyes. Rebecca got up quietly, suddenly feeling way too close for this couple’s intense eye language. She slipped out of the room silently.

Leaning against the hallway wall, she closed her eyes while trying to keep the tears back. She wished she could walk in and say the same thing to Rob that Erica just told Spencer. She wanted to tell him how they could manage anything, and chase every dream, that she would follow their talent to the end of the earth. The thing was, she couldn’t. At least, not for another fifteen years. Her heart ached because she loved Rob, but acknowledged she could never give him the kind of lifestyle he needed, since her life was ultimately dedicated to raising her three children.

God, what was everyone else warning her from the start? Didn’t she accept this going in? She didn’t expect for a second that she’d end up here, crying in Rob’s house, aching with her ill-fated love for him, and wanting to be with him in every sense of the word for the remainder of her life. She couldn’t because the very things she loved about Rob, how kind and perfect he was to her kids and her, couldn’t justify what he would have to sacrifice in order to be with her.

Of course, she couldn’t give up her life, or move her girls around haphazardly. Not after all the upset they endured in the breakup of their own family when Doug left. Look at Kayla’s emotional meltdown from just recently. Her girls hadn’t healed yet from that wound, and she couldn’t stake their futures on the roller-coaster ride and precarious life of a music band.

Rebecca feared if she stopped Rob, or held him back from his destiny, the day would come, sooner th
an later, when he would leave her just as surely as Doug did. She never could have realized how much he was giving up to be with her until now. She rubbed her eyes when she heard movement from downstairs. The girls were running in from outside and talking happily with Rob. She heard his voice. He was teasing them. Shutting her eyes to keep the salty tears at bay, she prepared herself to lose everything again.

“Williams, get in here.”

Rob glanced at Conner, his foreman, yelling at him over the loud
buzzing of the sawzall he was using to cut through an unwanted half wall. Conner was waving him over. Rob set down the saw, sliding his goggles up on his head as he went into the job shack. He entered the small cramped space, overly crowded with tools, with mud footprints on the floor, and building plans on the table stained by coffee.

“What is it?”

“Been noticing what a decent job you’re doing.”

“Thanks,” Rob said wearily. He waited.

“Look, you interested in taking on more responsibility around here? Maybe apply to the union? We could hire you on, and pretty soon, start paying you some decent wages.”

Rob was startled. During his life, no more than about three people ever complimented him on something besides his singing. His work ethic was something he hardly knew until the last year.
He had never been noticed because of his work before. It felt pretty nice to be complimented for doing quality work; and the offer of something more that was good, decent and whole also felt nice. It was something real.

“Never thought about it.”

“Well, I’m just putting it out there. We like you, and think you could go places in this company. Maybe be a foreman someday. You’re sharp, and you catch on quick, and never miss a day. Pretty hard to find that nowadays. Think on it, and let me know.”

Conner stuck his hand out and Rob shook it. “I will, thanks.”

He left the job shack and walked back to where he was previously working. Holy shit. He was being offered a chance to become something. Something so much more than just a lowly, manual laborer who did grunt work that anyone with a little backbone and muscle could do. He even imagined if it could turn into a future career. A future of wage-earning that might be good enough someday soon to support a family.

Rebecca’s family.

The thought came out of nowhere, but was always there. Lately, he was working harder and longer hours. Was it because of Rebecca? And the girls? Of course, it was. He hadn’t felt motivated in years. But they motivated him. They made him daydream about what having a real family could be like. What a real life could feel like. A life in which he worked all day and came home to a real family, and the people he loved. Up until fairly recently, he wasn’t earning enough to even remotely support a family of five. Could this be his lucky chance?

Rob knew he’d never make the kind of money Nick earned, but between Rebecca and him, perhaps they could manage it: the house payment,
the credit card bill, and the newest payments on her great beast of a vehicle. Maybe together, they could make it real.

He wanted to sit down and ponder all the implications of what he was thinking. He wanted big things and words, like love and forever, with Rebecca. And not just Rebecca, but her girls too.

He loved them, all of them. Individually and together, he loved them. The knowledge of that punched him in the heart. Now he could offer Rebecca something besides disappointment, apologies and hardships. With this job, he could give Rebecca a normal life. A life he never lived before. Now, perhaps he could finally be something besides Rob Williams, recovering alcoholic and constructor of failure.

****

Rob was just about to leave for Rebecca’s house when his doorbell rang. Spencer stood there with an expression resembling the Grim Reaper. What was his problem? Rob didn’t feel like dealing with it. He was… happy. It was such a rare feeling that he wanted nothing more than to share it with Rebecca.

“You have a minute?”

Rob glanced at his watch. “Only five. Rebecca’s making dinner. And it takes over an hour to get there.”

“That doesn’t bother you? The commute?”

“Turns out, she’s a good cook.”

Spencer smiled. “Among other things, huh?”

Rob hung his head, smiling. “Among other things. What do you need?”

“Erica and I were talking.”

“About what? You finally ready to forget your hang-ups about being a dad, and decided to go for it?”

Spencer shook head. “Actually, just the opposite. This would postpone almost everything else for awhile.”

“What would?”

“I think I was wrong. I think we need to give
Zenith
one more try. Sink or swim. Do or die. One more try.”

Rob felt as if he’d been
kicked in the gut. He was so stunned by Spencer’s suggestion, he stepped back in shock. “What the hell are you talking about? We’re done. We already decided that.”

“We’re not. I was scared. I was feeling happy and comfortable for once. I was just afraid of disrupting that. But I do want one more thing.
I want
Zenith
.”

“Well, I don’t. You fucking made your decision, and now
, so have I,” Rob said, pacing suddenly, his suppressed energy fueling him.

“If you’re so done with it, why are you suddenly upset? Come on, man, you know as well as I do
, we have to finish this. We’ll never get over it if we don’t. We’ll always wonder what might have been.”

“Easy for you to say! If you fail, you just go back to your rich
, doctor wife and find some other hobby to amuse you in your retirement.”

“That’s not fair, I don’t want to amuse myself.”

“I know. But you don’t have anything to lose if it doesn’t work. You sure ain’t gonna starve or lose the house.”

“Yeah. You’re right. For once, we’re at different places in our lives. But maybe that’s why we can do it right this time. No fucking around, no alcohol, no drugs, and no stupid women. Just us and the music. This time, we won’t assume we’ll get there. We’ll have to work for it.”

Rob couldn’t deny the itch, the constant, insatiable desire to play music. He could hear the notes sometimes in his guts, and imagine the tune in his voice. He could envision the dream.

“Things are different for me too this time. I love Rebecca. And I have a chance to get into the Carpenters Union, where I could make a real living for once. I can do this. I can succeed for once. Maybe years ago, if I had just bought a little house for Joelle, and gone to work at Boeing or the local supermarket, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in rehab. Or been so stoned that I lost two years of my life! Maybe I wouldn’t have lost everything. I have a chance now, a real chance for the first time in years, to make a living. Make it into something real. And now you want me to give that up for what? A dream? A ghost? A chance? On a shaky bet that it won’t all go to shit again? Or that I won’t start drinking again? No. I don’t need that shit. Get out of my way, Spencer, I’m late for Rebecca’s.”

Rob started down his hallway, banging the wall in anger as he went by. Spencer’s voice, quiet and solemn, however stopped him dead. “It was her idea, Rob. It was Rebecca’s idea.”

He turned towards his best friend.

“It was. It was Rebecca’s idea. She put the thought in my head a few weeks ago, when we played together. And it felt like I was finally back where I belonged. Tell me you don’t agree. She saw it. She was right; we won’t be happy until we finish this.”

“Fuck you
, Spencer. Stay out of it. Let me have something good for once in my life, okay? Would you let me just be happy for once in my goddamned, pathetic life?”

Rob jumped on his bike and broke every speed law there was in his hurry to escape the city, and get away from Spencer, as well as the thoughts now swirling in his head. The ghosts that always chased him were back. The opportunities he missed, or screwed up.
He sped as fast as he could to get away from
Zenith
and closer to Rebecca. All those things he once thought he wanted and lost, weren’t there anymore waiting for him. Not after what he did to destroy them, and after all this time, they couldn’t possibly still be awaiting him. There was no way.

What now awaited him was the woman who lifted his heart and calmed his mind without asking for anything in return.
He couldn’t wait to tell Rebecca about the promotion and the first chance for him to validate his existence. He intended to ask her to start thinking of them as a real couple. And make it official. He wanted to spend his life with her. Forget Nick; forget Doug; forget all their mistakes. He wanted to start new. Together. Rebecca, the girls and him.

He could do it too. He could commit and work like a normal man: getting up early, and going to work, just to support his family. He knew Rebecca couldn’t move the girls around. He could solve that too, live out there with them, in the country, even if it was in the middle of nowhere. The funny thing was, Rebecca’s house no longer seemed like it was nowhere anymore. It felt like somewhere he belonged.
It felt like it might be the final destination in the journey of his entire life.

He liked the house and could get used to the quiet,
the space, and the trees. Even the commute. The really, really long commute. That was a small price to pay. They could both work. Rebecca could continue writing, and maybe she could even make something of it. She wouldn’t have to compromise so much of her time because he could help her. He could help her raise the girls, and run their lives, and be a family.

Why the hell did Spencer have to come out tonight, of all nights, with his grand gesture? Did Spencer decide to emerge from his love haze and… what? Give
him another chance? So what? Now he should drop everything he finally attained for that? A chance? Rebecca’s idea? What the hell was Spencer talking about?

Rob
’s smile in greeting her died when Rebecca answered the door and he saw her eyes. There was a story there. Joelle gave him a similar broken-hearted look, years ago, when she first told him about Nick Lassiter. His hearted plummeted, and reality, as always, crashed down around him, shattering his stupid fantasies of spending his life with Rebecca and the girls. This time, Rob felt pretty sure that Rebecca didn’t intend to leave her husband for her boyfriend. He was pretty sure she planned to leave her boyfriend and go back to her husband.

****

She pulled him into her house and held him against her long and hard. Holding his hands in hers, she pressed her face against his chest. She almost started crying, but shut her eyes, and held them back, just as she did for months in front of her daughters when Doug first left.

They were soon interrupted by her girls, who were all in the kitchen when they spotted Rob. All three clambered after him, even Kayla. Ever since the night at Rob’s house, she couldn’t say enough about how cool Rob was. She even regarded Rebecca differently for being with someone who was so cool.

Rebecca let them surround Rob, dragging him into the kitchen, as dinner was almost ready to be served. She set the table and finished the last of the salad greens before checking the oven-baked chicken, just as the timer went off. After pulling it out, she dished up portions of the chicken, and the vegetables that cooked beside it. She felt Rob’s eyes on hers and saw the questions in his gaze, despite his casual interactions and chatting with the girls. For once, she was thrilled the girls hogged him so she and Rob couldn’t get time alone. She wasn’t ready yet.

Too soon, the girls were yawning to go to bed, despite he
r letting them stay up later. She had to put them to bed, a now familiar routine with Rob there. He hung back as usual, but came in and read to the younger girls before kissing them, and saying goodnight to Kayla. Then all was quiet, and their doors were shut, depriving the hallway of the distractions the kids usually made. It was just the two of them, staring at each other in the sconce lighting of her hallway.

Without speaking, they went downstairs, and Rob went out on the porch, no doubt in need of a cigarette. It was cool and cloudy outside, and the November air made it a little chilly. He lit up a cigarette he snagged from his leather jacket. She sat down behind him on the bench. With his back toward her, his profile was silhouetted by the porch light.

“When did he call?” Rob asked, after taking a long drag off the cigarette, and staring hard into the night. He finally asked what he already seemed to sense. Or know. He could read everything about her.

“Last night. Doug called last night.”

“And?”

“And he asked me if he could come home.”

“And you said yes.”

“I told him to fuck off.”

Rob turned, looking startled. Then he shook his head. “Then you looked at your daughters, and you called him back. You heard him out, as the responsible thing to do and the right thing to do. The way you do everything else in your life.”

She dropped he
r head, and more tears started in her eyes. “I hate him. For what he did to my girls and me. I don’t love him anymore. But he said he had some kind of epiphany. He regrets what he did now. To me and the girls.”

“
His daughters.
”

“Yes. His daughters. He wants to come home and make it up to them.”

“And you.”

She tightened her fingers into a fist.
“He can’t. He can’t make that up to me.”

“You saw Kayla four weeks ago; that was only four weeks ago. You know a
s well as I do, if there’s any chance that Doug Randall can make it up to your daughters for leaving them, it will undoubtedly change the future for all of them. It will make everything better,” Rob said, and his tone was so quiet, her heart felt like it was breaking.