You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (26 page)

“Charleigh, are you ready?” Madie asked, brushing a hand along her shoulder.

Stepping away from the stones, she looked up into the old woman’s clear bye eyes and nodded. “Yes.”

Something was continually changing about Charleigh’s body or her state of mind. As much as she missed Jamie, a sort of peacefulness had settled in her heart since that day at the cemetery. The man who had given her so much of himself and his love always was and would be in the front of her mind. Despite the pain she still felt from losing him only a few short months before, her main focus was having a healthy pregnancy. Charleigh transformed those sad feelings into the energy to keep going for the sake of her tiny miracles.

Madie was constantly mentioning the ‘mommy glow.’

The most dramatic change of all was Charleigh’s eating habits. Anything that she’d liked before getting pregnant took on the blandish, dull taste of cardboard, or it simply didn’t fill her up anymore. Cravings in the middle of the night had her driving all the way to the EZ Mart in Bokchito
for junk food like great-big bags of hot fries, and Gatorade. Hot fries? Before, Charleigh would have never gone near them, because spicy foods had wreaked havoc on her stomach. Now it seemed that she couldn’t get enough. If it was tangy, sweet, sour, spicy or salty, Charleigh had to have it. And she
loved
cranberry juice.

Still, Charleigh tried to eat as many healthy foods as she could stomach. What she wanted more than anything was to give birth to two happy and healthy babies.

As she sat on the couch, completely engrossed in a marathon of
The Munsters
reruns on
TV Land
, only bits and pieces of the Chicken Cacciatore, Caesar salad, and broccoli and cheese casserole that she’d devoured remained on the plate that was balanced on her lap. If nothing else, Charleigh could never deny that she had a healthy appetite; it was a good thing that she was a good cook. Her swollen feet were propped up on the edge of the coffee table, and Corey laid on the floor below. Amos lay on his back on the love seat a few feet away. The dog’s mouth formed a satisfied smile as, Charleigh imagined, he chased a rabbit through the tall, green grasses of dreamland.

After one episode had ended and another was about to begin, Charleigh got up, stepping gingerly around a sleeping Corey, and took her empty plate into the kitchen. She rinsed it and the fork she had used and placed both in the dishwasher.

Coming back into the living room with a lime Popsicle sticking out of her mouth, she saw the humorous sight on the small couch and went over to sit down beside Amos. Charleigh began scratching the dog’s belly and cooing to him. His tail began to thump against the cushion. One eye popped open, focused on her, and then the other.

With a light and playful bark, Amos turned over and then around until he was sitting beside his owner, with his snout resting on her shoulder.

“Aren’t you a good boy?” Charleigh spoke lightly, tilting her head towards him until her cheek touched his wet nose. She ran her fingers through the white patch of fur on his chest.

“Oh,” Charleigh said, after a little while, on a yawn. “Tired. Come on boys. Let’s go to bed.”

She got up, arching her back and stretching her arms high over her head. Amos stayed where he was, watching with intent as his owner moved around the living room. His eyes stayed trained on Charleigh as she picked the remote up from the coffee table and pointed it at the television to turn it off. And then, she reached down to brush her hand along the soft blond fur of Corey’s long body.

The puppy turned his head to look up at her. With a smile, Charleigh looked down at him, noting the twinkle in his big, brown eyes.

“Come on, puppy,” she coaxed, “bedtime.”

Both Amos and Corey were her confidants. Charleigh told them her thoughts and what she was feeling inside, and, even though they couldn’t answer her, she knew they understood. She spoke to them the entire way up to the bedroom.

In the bedroom, she stripped off all her clothes, except for a pair of white cotton panties, and in the pale lamplight that floated across the room from the bedside table, gave herself a once-over in the full-length mirror. Bluish veins turned the skin of Charleigh’s plump belly into a geographical map. She studied her reflected image, skimming her fingertips over the soft, smooth surface. A heaviness in her breasts was becoming more and more evident; they’d grown to the point that she was falling out of the cups in every possible direction. Her hair had grown at least six inches over the last few months. Large curlicues cascaded down her back and shoulders, almost to her butt. And her skin had taken on this rosy luster.

Charleigh was no longer a little girl. As much as she had insisted on it in the past
, demanding other’s to acknowledge the fact that she was an adult and to treat her as one, she’d never really felt it inside. That had all changed some time ago, and as her eyes met with those of the woman in the mirror, Charleigh knew that there was no going back. Under whatever circumstances, she was going to persevere.

“We’re gonna be ok, my little ones. I promise,” Charleigh spoke softly, placing both hands on her belly, and turned away from the mirror to find something to wear to bed.

She had looked through a drawer that was filled with sexy nightgowns and pajamas, but nothing seemed to fit anymore. Lately, she’d taken to sleeping in the nude. But this night, instead of turning toward the welcoming comfort of her bed, Charleigh went over to the dresser where she still kept Jamie’s clothes.

In the bottom drawer, there were more than two dozen, perfectly-folded white t-shirts that hadn’t been touched since the last day Jamie had spent in the house. Without a second thought, she took one out and tugged it over her head. It went on easily and fit comfortably across her bump. The sleeves came down just below her elbows, and the hem stopped at her knees. Charleigh swept her long hair out through the neck of the shirt and over one shoulder.

Just as Charleigh was about to push the drawer shut with her foot, something caught her eye and she stopped. Bending over, she pulled out one of the large, leather-bound books. They were the journals that had belonged to Amanda Douglass-Randall, her mother. The ones Jamie had put in this drawer for her, saying that she should read them when she felt she was ready.

This book in particular had a pasture scene with a sorrel mare and foal painted on it. Sitting down cross-legged on the floor, Charleigh opened it up. One the first page the date
April 25, 1978
was written in perfect penmanship
.
She took her time to read the first few lines carefully.
I just got some of the best news of my life
, Amanda wrote,
and I can’t wait until I can share it with Mike. He’ll be absolutely tickled pink—or blue. I’m pregnant!

She had just found out about me?
Charleigh skimmed through the rest of the journal. The rest of the pages were filled with details of Amanda’s pregnancy. About everything from the kinds of foods she craved—
I love strawberry Jell-O and pickles! Just not together!
Charleigh had to laugh at that because she was having cravings for the same exact things—to how much weight she was gaining and how her body was changing. Of Charleigh’s birth; all thirty-nine excruciatingly painful hours of labor, and finally having her pink and perfectly healthy baby girl placed in her arms. Of almost every smile and tear; every tiny detail of Charleigh’s first year of life. It gave Charleigh a glimpse at the kind of love her mother had felt for her, and the kind of love she anticipated for the children she carried inside her own body.

Pulling one journal after another out of the drawer, she decided to do the same thing for
her babies. One day, they might want to know certain things about the time their mother was carrying them. They would have questions about their father as well, and Charleigh came to the conclusion that a journal would be the response when she might not be able to give with a simple verbal explanation.

Charleigh searched through all of the books until she found the one with the earliest date. There were journals there from, it seemed to be, most of Amanda’s life. From the time she was around nine years of age, when she experienced her first crush on a boy, on to the very day before she died.

Charleigh found the oldest of them all and took it with her as she climbed into the bed beside her dogs. Flipping to the very first page, she began to read.

February 14, 1962

My whole life is over! I gave Jimmy Trent a valentine that I’d made especially for him. It was just about the prettiest thing you would ever lay eyes on. Pale pink construction paper, white lace, the sweetest poem you could ever think of. Every girl in the whole class gave Jimmy a valentine, and he brought only one: for Kayla Lewis. Kayla Lewis is supposed to be my best friend, but not anymore. She knows how much I love Jimmy Trent, and yet she accepted his valentine, and even let him kiss her on the cheek. And to think I declared my love for this boy.

Completely absorbed, she read on into the early hours of the next morning, learning more and more about the young, precocious girl who would eventually grow up and become her mother. Charleigh fell asleep, with the book still in her lap, as she dreamed of being back in the times and places that she had only read about.

(Thanksgiving Day)

“Ooh, it smells wonderful in here,” Caroline Randall said as she came through the back door and into her niece’s kitchen only a few steps ahead of her husband. In Josh’s arms was a box that was filled past the top with containers of food for the family Thanksgiving Day dinner. Following close behind were their two daughters Liz and Lauren, who were also carrying bowls of food.

Happy Thanksgiving Day, Carrie. Happy Thanksgiving Day, Joshua. Hello, girls,” Madie said, coming over to greet them. She kissed Caroline on the cheek. “Let me help you with that, dear,” She said to Josh, taking the few bowls from the top of the box and set them on the island.

“Hey, Sheriff,” someone called from the other room. Chris appeared in the entryway a few moments later, wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey over a white turtleneck. He tossed a football toward his best friend. “My Cowboys are gonna spank your Redskins like a bunch of crying kindergarteners.”

“You willing to put up a friendly wager on that?” Josh retorted as he sent the football sailing back across the kitchen.

The other man took the ball hard in his gut. “What you got in mind?”

“Hey, boys,” Madie laughed. She shook her head and pointed at her son, playfully pushing Josh in the same direction. “Take the horseplay into the other room. We’ve got a meal to prepare in this one.”

Caroline smiled as she came over and sat another box on the countertop. She took off her coat and draped it across the back of one of the stools next to the island before going over to stand beside Lenore at the double ovens. “So, where should I start?”

“Well, there’s the sweet potato casserole…” Lenore began. Her voice trailed off as the two women came together in front of the open oven.

The girls stood at the island for some time, watching as their mother went to work to help pull together the Matthews-Randall families’ festivities. Their eyes met with Charleigh’s from where she sat across the room at the kitchen table, cutting leaf shapes out of dough to make the top crusts for the apple pies she was going to bake. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was wearing black sweatpants and an oversized Budweiser sweatshirt.

With a mischievous smile, Charleigh rolled some of the dough between the thumb and index finger of her right hand into a small ball and tossed it in the girls’ direction.

“Hey, no throwing dough,” Madie warned, though she said it with a smile and a wink.

“Why don’t you girls go find something to do outside?” Caroline suggested. “Denise and Linda are out back in the gazebo, and all the kids have a game of touch football going. And Charleigh’s got the basketball hoop over the garage.”

“Can we ride the horses?” Lauren asked, as she slid in a chair next to Charleigh.

“I suppose we could get a few saddled up. If it’s okay with your mom and all,” the oldest of the Randall grandchildren said and stood up. Charleigh put one hand on her belly and picked up a pie with the other.

“Mama, can we?” Liz asked. She pushed her long blonde hair back over one shoulder.

“Can we, please?” Lauren pleaded.

“I think that’d be an alright idea. As long as someone’s out there to watch.” Caroline gave Charleigh a look as she turned around and took the pie.

“I’ll be out there.” Charleigh agreed, washing the flour from her hands.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Lauren giggled as she did a little dance toward the back door.

“I wanna ride Bettina,” Liz said to Charleigh as they walked across the yard together. The Appaloosa pony was her favorite out all the horses that had belonged to her Uncle Mike.

“Okay, and who would you like to ride?” Charleigh nodded and turned to look down at Lauren, who was skipping along the path toward the stable.

“Oh, I don’t care.” Lauren was such an easy child to please.

Charleigh looked out toward the open field where her cousins and all of the Matthews grandchildren were playing. A few of the kids noticed them and waved. Liz waved back. When
spring came, she planned to plant some trees along the driveway. Maybe some Magnolia trees or some other kind of flowering tree.

“Where ya’ll goin’?” Jessie left the game and ran over. Her cheeks and nose were rosy from the cold.

“We’re gonna saddle a couple of Charleigh’s horses and go for a ride,” Lauren boasted. “Wanna come too?”

“I don’t know.” Jessie hesitated. “My daddy might not want me to.”

“Why don’t you go up to the house and ask him. He’s watching the game in the front room with your uncles.”

“Okay.” The little girl’s face brightened at the suggestion and ran off toward the house.

“No need to rush. We’ve still got plenty of time,” Charleigh called after her. “Your mama’s shift at the hospital won’t be over for a while. And the food won‘t be ready, so take your time.”

“Can I go see if anybody else wants to come along?” Liz asked, pushing golden locks behind her ears with both hands. The silver and diamond hoops that Charleigh had bought for her last Christmas dangled from the girl’s lobes.

“Sure.” Charleigh nodded at her teenage cousin. “I’m gonna go ahead and round up the horses.”

The girls headed over to consult the group. Charleigh continued on her way towards the corral. She took her time through the knee-high grass, not sure when or where she might accidentally step in a pothole. A light wind sent loose strands of coppery hair flying away from her face. For late November, the weather was within reason of a normal autumn day in Oklahoma. At least there wasn’t any snow on the ground, like there had been a year ago.
A year ago, I probably would’ve tried to suffocate Jamie in that snow
, she thought with a smile before bringing her hands up to her mouth to warm them.

A half dozen horses of different colors and breeds were behind the fence. With a click of her tongue, the animals became pleasantly aware of Charleigh’s presence. She took a lead rope from around the post before lifting the latch on the wooden gate and stepping inside. There was a black stud standing a few feet away, and he playfully fanned his tail as Charleigh came closer to him.

His name was Moccasins, for the tan and white shadings that covered the bottom third of each leg. There was also a white star in the center of his forehead. He’d been a bargain at the Mustang auction, because the auctioneer said he was wild and untamable. ‘Crazy as a Mexican who’d made it all the way to the worm at the bottom of the bottle,’ were his exact words. Not true as far as Charleigh was concerned.

“Hello, stranger,” she whispered, clipping the end of the lead rope onto the halter ring. Brushing a gentle hand through tangled mane, she leaned her face against the furry animal, taking in the familiar scent of horse flesh.

“I hope you’re not thinking of doing what I think you’re thinking of doing,” a male voice came from behind.

For a minute, Charleigh stayed the way she was. She kept her eyes closed, leaning against Moccasins, and let herself pretend he was really there. She knew it was only her imagination. At the very least, Charleigh could claim that it was the Choctaw blood running through her veins that allowed her to have some sort of connection with the spirit world. She wouldn’t let herself admit that she may be going a little crazy.

“What if I am? And what would you do if I just hopped on bareback? Could you do anything?” Turning around, Charleigh pulled her coat closer around her body to conserve the warmth.

As plain as the nose on her face, there was no denying Jamie was standing in front of her. He was there, it seemed, in the form of flesh and bone. One hundred percent man, one hundred percent in person. Dressed for the weather, he wore jeans, with a black sweatshirt hoodie under a heavy wool pea coat, and his Wolverine work boots.

Eyes glittering with happiness scanned over Charleigh’s body, and she was warmed by Jamie’s gaze. He took a long look at her belly and smiled.

“You’re just as I would’ve expected,” He spoke softly.

Charleigh took in a long breath. Her hands itched to run her fingers through his hair, but her feet stayed firmly planted in place. She touched them to her belly instead, where Jamie’s eyes were still focused. “Are you real?” She managed to ask. Vapors formed as she exhaled sharply.

The sound of squeals and laughter came from behind him. The group of youngsters were headed their way.

“Nobody can see me but you,” Jamie responded. “I’ve only got a few minutes. It’s the best I could do.”

“It’s enough for me.” Tears stung Charleigh’s eyes. She smiled and brushed them away. “You knew. That first time you came to me. You knew there were two.”

“Yeah, and I knew they were in the most capable of hands, because
you
saved me. For that I will always be grateful.”

Both he and Charleigh knew they had only a moment left. Still, they stayed apart. Jamie’s eyes came up to meet with Charleigh’s, dark brown and filled with love. There was no need for him to say it because she knew how much Jamie had loved her; how much he still loved her though they’d been separated by death.

“You’ll always have my heart, Randall.” He said it in only a whisper, but the simple words reverberated through Charleigh’s entire being.

“And you’ll always have mine.”

***

“Charleigh? Charleigh, are you okay?” Liz called out to her cousin as she stepped closer to the corral with her friends.

Hearing her name, she turned toward the bunch of kids who had gathered on the other side of the fence. Moccasins nuzzled a bit at Charleigh’s ear and the loose tendrils on the side of her head.

“There are some more lead ropes and reins hanging from pegs just inside the barn door if y’all want to grab them. Saddles are at the back,” Charleigh told them, running a hand over the horse’s nose, and turned back to find Jamie had disappeared.

One moment Jamie was there, and he was gone the next. It was as if the man had never been there at all. The ground was completely undisturbed where Jamie had been standing only a yard or so away from Charleigh still remained.

Realistically, she knew her mind could only have been playing tricks on her.
Or
could it have been something else? Could Jamie really have stood in front of her, coming from somewhere other than her imagination?

“Ok, guys, have at ‘em, though, you little ones, let the big kids get the horses saddled up.”

Charleigh unlatched the gate, and led Moccasins past the group to the pasture. Her voice, she knew, sounded raspy. She just hoped that nobody had noticed the way she’d been standing there, talking to thin air. How was she supposed to explain the fact that her dead lover had been standing in front of her just moments ago? Charleigh knew there was no way.

With a long, slow intake of breath, Charleigh unclipped the lead rope from Moccasin’s halter. She gave him one good slap on the rump that sent him out in a gallop toward the pasture. Rolling the lead around her arm, Charleigh watched as the stud pranced through the grass. Delightful shrieks and laughter came from behind, and slowly one after another, all of the horses and riders made their ways out into the field.

After a while, Charleigh retreated back to the corral, leaning back against the lowest plank. All of the kids seemed to be enjoying their own separate adventures. She watched as Kyle and Garrett raced. So far, Garret was in the lead. Lacey stood next to Connor in the middle of the field. Once the two other boys passed by them, the girl began jumping up and down in excitement. Ben led Jessie and Audrey around on Bettina. Liz walked right next to him, enthralled by whatever he was saying.
Hmm, I wonder what happened to Rob?

The tragedy of being a teenager. Most likely, Charleigh thought, there would be a half-dozen or so other guys before her cousin found ‘the one.’ She kept watching them, until Brian trotted by on Sarafina, with Jenna cozily hanging on from behind. Her chin rested on his shoulder. It made Charleigh smile, remembering how Jamie had done the same thing the first time they’d ridden together.

“Oh, to be eighteen years old again,” someone spoke from above.

Charleigh looked up to find Austin standing over her.

“Nope, I’m just fine being twenty-two, thank you,” she replied, shaking her head.

“Speak for yourself, then,” Austin said with a laugh. He sat down on the dirt next to her. “How’re you doin’, doll?”

Charleigh didn’t say a word. Instead, she let out an aggravated sigh, crossing her arms across the top of her belly, and rolled her eyes.

“I know, I know. Just thought I’d ask, anyway. If there’s ever anything you wanna talk about, just let me know,” Austin spoke softly and patted the young woman on the leg.

“Well…” Charleigh considered it for a moment. Could she trust this man enough to not run off and tell everyone her secret? “You promise you won’t think I’m crazy?”

“Promise,” he answered without a doubt.

“And you can’t go and tell your mama what I tell you. You can’t tell anybody.”

“I won’t.”

For a moment, she silently eyed him. Charleigh still wasn’t sure if telling Austin that she’d seen and spoken to his deceased nephew was the best idea. Even though he said that he wouldn’t think she was crazy, this was pretty out there.