You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (35 page)

Dear boys,

I know some day down the road you are going to ask me about your dad, about how I met him, and about the time that we spent together. Anything that you ever want to know, I will answer your questions as honestly and sincerely as I possibly can. I hope you will believe me when I tell you that you were wanted. It was only a few weeks before Jamie’s death that we were talking about how much he wanted to start a family.  So, even though your dad never actually knew about the two of you, I want you to know how badly he wanted children. To be the kind of father that his own was not. He would have made a wonderful father, I think, and pretty impressed with himself for getting a two-for-one deal.

Charleigh sat back against the pillows on her bed, chewing on the end of her pen, as she thought about what to write next. After finishing the last of her mother’s journals, she had decided to begin writing letters to her unborn children. Of course, Charleigh kept a journal, which she would let them read if they ever asked, but this book was especially for them.

It was only four days since finding out about the Previa. Seeing all that blood had scared Charleigh half to death, but it felt more like four months. She’d never stayed in bed this long against her will. Her depressions after her Dad and Jamie’s deaths were a different story. Back then, she didn’t ever want to see the light of day again. It really wasn’t all that long ago, though. Just a few days past six months ago was September 11
th
. The day Jamie and so many others were stolen away from their loved ones.  

Really? Six months?
Charleigh could hardly believe it. Still, she didn’t want to ponder too much on those dark days. Although she still wasn’t completely herself, she didn’t want to be pulled backwards by her thoughts. She would miss Jamie without thinking about all the rest. It was the only way, Charleigh had found so far, to keep herself in the present. And not lose her mind completely to the grief.

             
Besides, Charleigh had so much to look forward to, even without Jamie to share it with, and she was extremely excited about it.

Just as she was about to put pen to paper once more, the rumble of an engine drifted into the bedroom through the open French doors. Charleigh was used to hearing cars and trucks passing by on the highway beyond her property. It seemed that the sounds always found their ways into the house, but she just blocked it out anymore. The sound of this vehicle, however, was closer, and it was coming up her driveway.

Carefully, Charleigh climbed out of bed. She took her steps slowly, one at a time, toward the French doors and out onto the balcony. There was a cool breezy and it blew a few loose strands back and away from her face. Coming around the opposite end of her house, Cord drove his battered old 1962 Dodge truck toward the barn and lot.

When the man climbed out of the truck, Charleigh waved to try and get his attention. He never even bothered to look in her direction.

“Hmm,” Charleigh said to herself. She got a total of thirty minutes each day to get up out of bed and do all of the necessary tasks she needed to do, like taking a shower. Because her shower stall had a built-in seat, Charleigh didn’t consider that to be a part of that time. She decided to walk down to the barn and talk to Cord.

“You should be in bed,” he called out, looking up from Marco Polo’s hoof when he heard approaching footsteps. It could only be one person. Charleigh.

“I know. I was just there until I heard your truck pull up,” she replied coming into view. “That’s where I’m headed back, too. I just wanted to see how you’re doing and how the horses. And to maybe ask you a question.”

“I’m fine,” Cord replied with a smile. “The horses are good. Nothing to worry about. And what’s the third.”

She stood with her hands resting on her bulging baby bump, wearing a pair of Jamie’s faded flannel pajamas and one of her dad's thermal undershirts. She had her mess of curls pulled up in a bun. Charleigh looked a mess. A beautiful mess, in Cordell's opinion. One he would just keep to himself.

“I wanted to ask you a question.”

“That’s right. Ask away,” Cord told her, turning away to scrape dirt from under the horse's hoof.

“Well, I was wondering if you’d stay with me tonight?’ she sighed. “Granddad was here, but I sent him home to get a good night’s sleep. He thinks the mattresses in the spare bedrooms are too soft,” Charleigh laughed, rocking back on her heels. She rubbed her palms across the fabric of the shirt that covered her belly.

Cordell looked at her for a long moment and then back to the task at hand. “If I say yes, will you get yourself back up to the house and into bed?”

“I suppose I would go back to bed, no matter what your answer is. Doctor’s orders, you know.”

Considering everything Charleigh told him, he looked back up at her. Studied her bright green eyes. He couldn’t just leave her there alone. “I would need my toothbrush, some pajamas, and a change of clothes for tomorrow.”

Charleigh's tired face brightened at his answer. “That’s fine. Take all the time you need, Cord. I’m going back to bed. You can find me there when you get back.”

She turned and headed toward the door. Just before pushing the door open, Charleigh turned back to him and smiled. “Thank you, Cord.”

***

              It didn’t take him very long to finish with the horse, and then Cord headed back toward the ranch. He called Charleigh from his cell phone on the highway to tell her that he’d be back in about an hour’s time. She told him to come right on in when he got there. Obviously, then, Charleigh was leaving her doors unlocked, which Cord thought was a horrible idea. That was another one of his opinions that he’d just have to keep to himself.

Coming down the driveway to the ranch, Cord turned left at the oval in front of the main house, which he’d never done before, or at least he could never remember doing it before. He wanted both Mrs. Matthews and Miss Martin to know where he was. If anything happened, they could reach him at Charleigh’s.

He came up the front steps and knocked on the door. Madie appeared there a few moments later.

“Hello, Cordell. Everything okay?” She asked, pushing the screen door open for him to enter. Once he was inside, and the heavy door was closed behind him, the old woman turned and led him toward the back of the house. She settled back onto her stool at the island.

“Yes, ma’am. I was just coming from Charleigh’s. Marco needed to be shod,” he replied, sat down on a stool across from his employer.

“How is Charleigh today?” Lenore asked, coming into the kitchen with a sack of flour. Some kind of white, powdery substance was already smeared across her forehead.

“Weird.”

“What do you mean weird?” Madie took off her glasses and laid them on the counter
beside the stack of papers she was reading before Cordell knocked on the front door.

“She’s taking all of this so calmly, I guess is the best word for it,” the man said with a shrug.

“Well, dear, what else can she do?” Lenore asked, scooping flour out of the bag by the cupful. “She’s going to be cooped up in her bedroom for the next two months, until those babies are born. And then another six to twelve weeks before she can get back to work. I’d say the girl is trying to make the best of her current condition.”

Cordell agreed with the old woman on that, and he rarely, if ever, agreed with Lenore on anything. He went to stand up. “She asked me to come stay with her for the night. So, that’s where I’ll be tonight. Be back bright and early in the morning.”

“That’s nice of you, Cord,” Lenore told him, making a face at her sister. “Why don’t you ask her if she’d like to come and stay with us out here at the ranch?”

“I’ll ask her, but she may say no.”

“Which she has every right to, considering she’s going to be bedridden for the next two months,” Madie agreed, returning Lenore’s look. She knew what her sister was thinking, and it was ridiculous. There was nothing going on between Charleigh and Cordell. Not this soon after Jamie’s death, anyway. “Just ask and see what Charleigh says, Cord. Let the matter alone if she says no.”

“See you ladies tomorrow.” He nodded and was gone.

              When Cord got back to Charleigh’s house, he found her propped up on the bed channel-surfing. It was just where she’d told him that she would be. No surprise. He tapped lightly on the door.

When she turned toward him, Cord smiled and said, “Hi.”

“Hey, I’m just sitting here, trying to find something to watch,” Charleigh replied, returning the smile. She patted the empty space beside her. “Have a seat.”

Cord went over to the bed. He stood there for a minute and then decided to sit as closely to the edge as possible. Her bed covers were so pretty. And expensive, Cord was sure. The last thing he wanted to do was to get them dirty.

They sat quietly for a while, both staring straight ahead at the large television set on the dresser against the opposite wall. A satellite box was on top. It wasn’t an awkward silence, at least not for Charleigh. Cordell, on the other hand, was nervous that he’d do or say something stupid to embarrass himself.

“So, is there anything you like to watch on Thursday nights?” Charleigh finally looked over at him.

“I don’t know. Don’t watch much TV. Just have the regular two channels back home, anyway,” he said with a shrug.

“
CSI
is one of my favorites. It should be coming on in a couple hours or so. Would you like something to drink? I’ve got soda, water, juice, and milk?”

“I’m fine for now. I can find something downstairs later,” Cord replied.

“Oh, no need. I got everything right here in my handy, dandy mini-fridge.” There was a small refrigerator next to the bed on Charleigh’s side. Boxes of food were piled on top. She’d been watching a lot of cartoons lately, with an extra-large overdose of
Blue’s Clues,
The Food Network, HGTV
.

“What have you got over there?” he asked, trying to look over to Charleigh’s side of the bed without getting his muddy shoes on the covers.

“All kinds of different stuff. Strawberry Pop Tarts. A couple different kinds of cereal. I’ve got some veggies and ranch dip in the fridge. A few TV dinners.” Charleigh said, looking at her unorganized pile. She turned back to Cord. “Take your shoes off and get comfy.”

And he did. Once Cordell was finally about to relax, they watched some television, ate some snacks, and just talked like friends do. Charleigh talked a bit about Jamie, how much she missed him, and having to raise her children without their father. She didn’t elaborate too much. And Cord didn’t push her.

They watched
CSI
and then flipped over to watch old reruns of
I Love Lucy
on TV Land. He hadn’t laughed that hard in a very long time it seemed.

The time passed by quickly. At ten o’clock, they turned the channel back to watch the local news. Once it was over, Cord looked over to find Charleigh sound asleep next to him. She looked very sweet and angelic, with one arm under her head and the other resting on her belly. As quietly as possible, he took the chenille throw from the end of the bed and covered Charleigh up to her shoulder. Then, Cord took his boots, and crept over to the bedroom across the hall.

Waiting for her grandparents at the airport, Charleigh aimlessly flipped through a
Parenting
magazine. She was sitting in the passenger seat of the Tahoe, with Madie behind the wheel, trying not to think too much. Once Grant and Mel arrived, they were all headed toward the medical complex for another ultrasound.

And after that, Charleigh had an appointm
ent with Doctor Emerson. It had been two weeks now since she’d found the blood in her panties, and he just wanted to check and make sure everything was going as well as possible. She didn’t know how much better it could get. Her placenta was either over her cervix still, or it wasn’t. Either way, Charleigh could only keep following the doctor’s orders to make sure her babies were born healthy.

“It’s going to be okay, Charleigh,” Madie said, breaking into the young woman’s thoughts. Blinking, she didn’t realize that her gaze had shifted from the magazine to the tarmac.

“I have to believe you’re right.” Thinking about worst case scenarios was not an option. She would not let her mind drift over to the dark side.

At the same time, Charleigh saw her grandparents’ plane land. It rolled to a stop in from of her vehicle. Usually, she got out to greet them but stayed put this time. The door opened, and Mell appeared in the opening a few moments. Her eyes lit up instantly at the sight of her granddaughter through the windshield of the massive SUV, and she began waving madly. Charleigh smiled and waved back.

“Aw, let me look at you,” Mellisande exclaimed as she rushed over to pull Charleigh’s car door open.

“Nan, I haven’t changed all that much,” the young woman laughed as she twisted around in her seat.

In Mellisande’s opinion, she had. Charleigh’s hair was longer. Shinier. Her skin held a radiance that went far beyond the glow of a pregnant woman. Charleigh looked healthier. And it wasn’t just because of the weight she had put on. She looked well-rested. Content. And the old woman told her so.

“Well, you’d look the same way if you were bedridden,” Charleigh said. “All I do is sleep. Watch television. I read a couple of books in the last week.”

“It’s done you a lot of good, doll,” her Nana replied, pleased. She leaned around her granddaughter to see the driver. “Hello, Madie.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Mell,” she greeted her friend with a smile.

“Where’s Pop?” Charleigh asked, looking back toward the plane’s open door.

“Oh, he and Kurt are gathering up all of the luggage. And we brought a few things for you and the babies.”

“I’ve got everything these babies could ever need or want.”

“Yes, but it never hurts to have a little extra,” Mellisande told her granddaughter, with a pat on the leg just as Grant started down the steps. His arms were both loaded down with bags and packages.

“Hey, there, Cowgirl,” he called with a smile. “Where do you want all this stuff?”

“We can put it in back with the wheelchair,” Madie spoke up. She opened her car door and got out to help Grant.

“Wheelchair?” Mellisande asked bewildered.

“It’s just to keep me off my feet. Lenore’s idea,” Charleigh explained, trying to calm her grandmother.

***

Madie parked the Tahoe in the back parking lot of the medical complex because it was closest to the outpatient lab. This was where Charleigh was going to have her ultrasound before heading up to see Doctor Emerson. All of soon-to-be great-grandparents were going to join her in the exam room for the video portion of today’s events. She didn’t want anybody in the room while Doctor Emerson examined her, though. It was bad enough that he had to be messing around down there, with a nurse to supervise the procedure. It would be even more embarrassing if there was more than one audience member.

Grant wheeled Charleigh up to the receptionist’s window and locked the brakes. There was a chair a few feet away, and he sat down.

“Hi, I’m Charleigh Randall. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 2:30,” she told the woman on the other side of the plate-glass.

“Okay, just one second,” the receptionist began tapping away at the keyboard.

For a few minutes, she continued this. Charleigh thought she looked a little nervous. Maybe even a little agitated, for some reason.

“Sorry, just a couple more minutes.” She smiled, looking over at Charleigh, and then quickly turning her gaze back to the computer.

Charleigh gauged the woman’s age to be between twenty-five or thirty. Flawless, porcelain skin. Her eyes were the color of sapphires, and her hair that was pulled halfway up was black as a crow’s wings. There were rainbows on her scrubs top.

“Hon, will you spell your first name for me?” She finally asked, embarrassed.

“Charleigh, C-h-a-r-l-e-i-g-h,” Charleigh spoke slowly.

After a moment, the receptionist’s eyes lit up. She looked over at Charleigh, more than slightly embarrassed. “Sorry, I thought it was l-i-e or l-e-e.”

“It’s fine. You probably haven’t ever met a girl named Charleigh before. It’s not a common name.”

“Can I see your driver’s license, please?” Charleigh took her wallet out of her purse and handed her ID to the woman, who promptly put it on the copy machine. She handed it back to Charleigh. “And your insurance card?”

“Oh, this is private pay,” Charleigh explained.

              “Okay, then.” Pushing her chair backwards, the woman took a few papers that just came out of the printer. She took a highlighter and marked a couple different places. “Sign these for me?”

Charleigh did so, pushed the papers back, and then sat back in the wheelchair.

“Thank you. They’ll come get you in just a few minutes.”

“I can't tell a hand from a foot there,” Grant joked.

“They seem to be holding hands,” the tech said, smiling as she pointed the two little hands out on the screen. “And this one has his thumb in his mouth.”

Charleigh did a bit of smiling herself.
Her face radiated with joy. She loved the two tiny beings with all her heart. It was an amazing thing, Charleigh thought to herself, to love someone so much when she hadn’t even met them yet.

“I just need to take a few measurements and then we'll be finished,” the tech told Charleigh and then turned back to the machine.

Quietly, the woman, who was no older than Charleigh, tapped buttons and fiddled with a round ball that acted like a mouse. Occasionally, she would reposition the handheld tool on Charleigh’s stomach.

“Can you tell if the placenta had grown away from my cervix?” Charleigh asked
cautiously. She’d asked the question, but she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to know the answer.

“
I’m not allowed to,” the tech said, looking over at the chart. “Doctor Emerson is your Ob-gyn. He’ll have to review the film and then tell you the results.”

***

              “I don’t need to put a couple of those awful paper gowns on?”

“Not right now,” Celia told Charleigh, standing in the opened doorway. “Doc is looking over your ultrasound right now. I’ll come back and let you know.”

“Okay,” Charleigh replied with a nod.

After the door was closed, she laid back on the table and looked at the ceiling. This was a different exam room than she usually went to, and so she wanted to see what kinds of posters were up there.

There was of a cartoon man and woman. Apparently she was in labor, because there was a gigantic quote bubble with all kinds of different symbols. She was supposed to be cussing her husband out.
How funny is that?
Charleigh couldn’t help laughing.

She’d probably being doing the same exact thing to Jamie if he was there for the births of their twins.

“But he’s
not
going to be there,” she thought out loud this time.

And who would be there with her? Charleigh hadn’t really put much thought into it. Nobody had brought the subject up to her, either. What if she had to go through the labor and delivery by herself?

There was a knock on the door, and Doctor Emerson came in.

“Hello, Charleigh,” he said solemnly.

“Hey, Doc. What’s with the look?”
Bad news
. “Give it to me straight, then.”

“Okay. The previa hasn’t cleared up.” He shook his head.

Charleigh thought that statement made it sound like she had a rash.

“I know it’s only been a
couple weeks, but I’m going to lay everything out on the table for you,” Doctor Emerson spoke matter-of-factly. He had been a friend of her father. He’d known Charleigh all her life, but he couldn’t let the personal part of their relationship interfere with the professional. “Right now, you’re about thirty-two weeks along, give or take a few days. There’s a possibility that you won’t see any more bleeding between now and the end of your term. There’s also the possibility that you will.

“
You’re not going to be able to deliver naturally, because even if the placenta is only partly blocking the cervix, dilation could cause a lot of bleeding during delivery and even after, Charleigh. So I want to set up a C-section around week thirty-seven.”

“Okay,” Charleigh nodded.

“Once the babies are delivered safely, then we’ll give you a dose of Pitocin, which will cause your uterus to contract. That way, the bleeding should stop.”

“But if it doesn’t?”

He took a deep breath. “If it doesn’t, you may have to have a hysterectomy.”

“A hysterectomy?” Charleigh repeated as a question.

“Yes.”

She looked up at Doctor Emerson, still trying to take all of the information in. Looking at his face, his eyes, the way his shoulders slumped, and he wrung his hands, Charleigh figured she was taking the news quite a bit better than he was. There was only one thing that they could do, Charleigh knew. Wait and see. Well, actually, that was two things.

But still, they had about five more weeks before they would have to do a C-section. The placenta could still shift as her uterus grows. The babies still had a lot of growing to do. She was going to keep doing everything Doctor Emerson told her to do. And she would pray. Everything would be fine. It had to be.

“We’ll do whatever we have to do, Doc,” Charleigh told him. “No matter what, it’s going to be okay.”