Young Annabelle (6 page)

She’s lost it. Absolutely lost it.

“
You want me to
what
?” I asked, horrified.

“I want you to run up and down the stairs
’til you get that fifty.”

She was serious. I shook my head
violently.

“I’m not doing anything except going to my
room. And you’d better not bother me!” I ran from the room,
grabbing my backpack from the front as I jetted up the stairs. I
slammed my door shut just in time to stop Mom from hearing me
wheeze as I caught my breath from the short run.

“ANNABELLE!” Mom yelled outside my closed
door.

“Leave me alone!”

I flopped on my bed and listened to her walk
away. I waited until I was certain she was gone before I began to
change my clothes.

Thank God we had some
boundaries that she actually followed in this house!

At least they respected me enough not to
enter the one place that was supposed to be mine.

I changed into a pair of blue shorts and my
red v-neck shirt; the shorts cut off mid-thigh and the shirt went
passed my hips, almost covering the shorts. I stared at my
reflection in the mirror and scanned myself from head to toe. The
shirt was a little tight but still had some room in it; the length
elongated my torso making me look smaller than I actually was. The
shorts were short, but they made my legs look longer and less
chunky.

I sighed, this outfit made me happy. I looked
slim, borderline athletic, but the tragedy was I would never wear
it outside. I didn’t have the guts to wear shorts that short and a
shirt that tight in public. This outfit would stay in this room,
just for myself. Even my family wouldn’t see it entirely; if I had
leave my room for any reason, I’d grab one of my dad’s old
university hoodies that fell almost to my knees. Dad was
excessively tall and although his sweaters usually fell to his
waist, on anyone else in our family it looked more like a dress
instead.

I glanced at the alarm clock beside my bed.
It was only 3:00; four hours until dinnertime, four hours that I
had to entertain myself in this room because I just didn’t have it
in me to leave my room and begin the interrogation again.

The fight in me was gone. All gone.

I just wanted to be left alone.

For the next hour, I listened to my iPod
shout songs about moving away, going away, escaping, life
beginning, and love happening. I stared up at my blank ceiling and
imagined scenes play out as if it were my own personal movie
theatre.

Today’s movie was a new one, although it
started like all the others. A skinny version of myself was wearing
a beautifully stunning outfit. But then it changed. I was on a
balcony and he was climbing up over the side. James stood in front
of me, leaning in to kiss me for the second time.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered in my ear,
his hug engulfing me. “You’re perfect.”

My arms circled his shoulders and he lifted
me up. He twirled me around like he’d never been so happy in his
life.

I grinned like a fool as I imagined the
scenario.

Yeah, that’s a nice
one
.

Beep. Beep.

I turned the volume down on my iPod. I
thought I heard something beep.

Beep. Beep.

I took my earphones out and tossed my iPod
across my bed as I stretched to grab my phone off my desk without
leaving the bed.

New message from: Unknown

I scrolled down and checked the number. I
didn’t recognize it.

My heart began to palpitate; panic flowed
inside me, exciting every nerve ending in my body to the point
where my palms became sweaty and my knees felt weak. Normally I’d
only get texts from Jenna, but her number was on my contacts
list.

Could it be…? No…

I took a deep breath and opened the
message.

From: Unknown

Fireball, is it you?

‘
Fireball!’ Oh my
God!

The tips of my fingers moved without notice;
I’d gone to heaven and the euphoric state that met me there cast a
spell on my brain, detaching it from my body – I was floating high
in the sky.

From: Me

Tiger!

This was the moment a beautiful love song
about change would play loudly and only I could hear it. Everything
in my room would change color, turning shades of pink and gray. My
things would levitate and I’d float up and dance around with them.
That’s how I felt at that moment. Puppies and rainbows!

I grinned widely, a fool’s smile, as I
pressed ‘Send’. Two seconds later when I heard my phone beep, my
face felt as if it could break in half. Happiness blossomed, it
escaped from the steel trap I had locked away deep in my heart, the
heart I had to lock away because my family was always trying to
break it for their own self-righteous purposes. The time of their
selfish ways was officially over

From: Unknown

Yeah, baby, it’s me.

‘
Baby!’ I could die!

I went to my contacts and changed ‘unknown’
to ‘Tiger.’ It just seemed to fit and I had a feeling I was known
as ‘Fireball’ under his contacts.

From: Me

Do you have me as Fireball in your
contacts?

From: TIGER

Your sweet, you know that. Yes. You happy
with that?

I’m sweet? I didn’t know
that!

My fingertips moved across the keypad quickly
as I texted back.

From: Me

Of course! It kinda grew on me.

Pure elation. The clouds parted and the sun
came out shining. All for me.

From: TIGER

When u work next?

If I could have jumped up and down on my bed,
I would have. I would have shouted at the top of my lungs,
announcing to everyone who was unhappy and depressed that it was
all going to be okay, that they just had to tough it out for a
little longer. Happiness was always on its way, especially for
those who deserved it. And I definitely deserved it.

From: Me

Tomorrow. Same time, same place.

Beep! Beep!
Was it just me or were his texts coming
back with lightning speed?

From: TIGER

Cool. See u tomorrow.

No matter how excited I was – mixed with
desperation – I couldn’t show how much I loved texting him, even
though we’d barely discussed anything (like where he went after I
came back from break?). I wasn’t about to scare him off with my
enthusiasm. I had to finish the conversation with something short
and simple.

From: Me

Cool.

I exited the messages.

Cool!
It was
the word of the moment. It was a diagnosis, a piece of
medicine that threw me over the wall that had always screamed ‘life
is unfair!’

Had I been stumbling all this time? Had I
just been crashing, failing, never getting what this life thing was
all about?

And there wasn’t even a
kiss!

My head hit the pillow, my fingertips
trailing across my lips, in my head I replaced them with his and
the thought made my entire body convulse unnaturally. The feeling
was brand new. I’d never gotten this far in speaking with a boy.
The possibilities of what may come were foreign and my body, mind,
and soul welcomed these aliens with open arms.

Geez! What if he had actually
kissed me?

I would have crumbled to the ground, hoping
he’d touch me again. My body could only take so much of his
generously heated embraces, I would simply faint with the image of
him giving me the greatest gift of all.

I giggled like a mad woman and shook my head
in disbelief. A few short text messages and I was already acting
like a love-crazy fool. What would happen if things actually
progressed into a relationship?

Stalker psycho!

Oh God no!

I burst out laughing and gazed up at the
blank ceiling. Sometimes – most of the time – I wished my parents
would have let me paint mine just like Jenna’s, but at this moment
the empty ceiling served as a blank slate on which I would paint
with my newly-spiked imagination.

*****

Knock. Knock.

“It’s open,” I called out happily, my hands
behind my head as I continued to stare at the ceiling. I was in the
middle of a wonderful story on my ceiling; it was just getting
good.

Charles, my thirteen-year-old brother,
came barging in. “Dinner’s ready!” He turned right back around and
left, leaving the door wide open.

Dinner’s ready! Am I even
hungry?
I thought as I
got off my bed and headed out the door. My stomach began to grumble
loudly, apparently I
was
hungry. And like a crash of lightning blowing up the tree
that gave me life, it all came back.

Mom!

She wasn’t happy with my calorie burn today
and I didn’t burn those extra fifty she’d wanted when I came home.
I would have to brace myself for a battle during dinner
tonight.

As I descended the stairs, I smelled tomato
sauce and garlic bread. They had made pasta, my favorite!

I paused mid-step.

They’re so evil!

The chances that I’d be getting almost none
of one of my favorite meals were extremely high. Strangely, I was
handling this realization differently than usual. I was happy, and
I knew if this had happened yesterday I would have been
devastated.

So I won’t get to eat a plate full of my
favorite meal. So what!

Yeah, so what,
I thought as I continued down
the stairs and into the dining room. I stopped in front of the
table at my usual seat, stunned. Mine was the only plate with just
salad on it.

Gee, thanks Mom, I know I can
always count on you.

I smiled at her, although I knew it didn’t
reach my eyes. Oblivious as she was, she smiled back genuinely. The
woman believed with all her heart that she was doing her rightful
duty as a mother, keeping the evil words of the teenage world from
tearing up my soul because I was bigger than my average
classmate.

Damn you Florida and your perfect weather
making everyone want to have gorgeous beach bodies all year
long!

I quietly sat in my chair and stabbed a piece
of lettuce with my fork.

“Oh joy,” I muttered, tasting the balsamic
vinegar dressing.

*****

If I went to bed with a stomach full of
salad, my parents would be happy. My brother and sister didn’t give
a shit, they only joined in on raining on my parade when it was a
family affair. They liked doing things ‘as a family’; it was kind
of understandable, in a sadistic sort of way.

But salad wasn’t enough to satisfy my stomach
entirely, nor did it stop the pains stabbing through me while I was
trying to sleep.

Salad wasn’t enough.

So it was the usual routine. Wait for
everyone to go to sleep, then take out my secret stash of candy
bars and chips from beneath my bed frame. The calories would cost
me; it was an extra 300 that my stomach needed to push away hunger
pains until morning or else I’d have to endure another sleepless
night. My parents would be none the wiser in the morning because I
didn’t log those calories in my food diary or my mother’s food
diary (she liked to keep her own diary for me). The only time they
would become puzzled and frustrated would be on Monday, weigh-in
day, and so far my weight loss had been slow.

A pound a week was slow. I was 175 pounds
when we started this torture a month and half ago, now I was 167. I
was setting a horrible example for Katherine. At eleven, she was
skinny and a dancer, but who knew what bad habits she might be
learning from me. She could begin to gain weight in high school
like me, and it would be my fault for waiting until now to lose the
weight, and for doing it at a snail’s pace.

I finished my snacks and tucked wrappers back
into the bag; I’d take care of them in the morning. I would need to
restock tomorrow. Thank God junk food was cheap. I wiped any
remnants of evil food from my face and lay down on my bed. The full
moon peered in through the slit in my window shade, highlighting
the clutter in my room while dancing on my ceiling.

I gazed up and imagined familiar angry faces
shouting empty threats at me. I did this as a way to prepare for
the scolding I would inevitably receive; my worst moment was
crumbling into tears because I couldn’t take their bullshit
anymore.

Jesus, Annabelle! How can you be so
selfish?

Move faster!

Chin up! Chest straight! Ass tucked in!

Have some respect for yourself!

You’re fat, sweetheart. We’re just trying to
be honest.

Then why are we all fit and you’re not?
Don’t you want to be a part of this family?

I can’t believe this happened to you.

I bought you a pair of jeans, but they’re a
size 8.

Do you want to be bullied for the rest of
high school? How come you don’t go to parties?

I don’t tell people you’re my sister when
you come to my recitals.

You want to eat freely? You do
it in smaller jeans!
That was enough for one night. I turned on my side and fell to
asleep.

*****

My eyes fluttered open with sprinkles of
fairy dust blowing out. My entire room was filled with bright
sunshine that smelled of butter. Baby pink, blue, and violet
cupcake butterflies flew playfully in the sunshine. They giggled
softly as they bumped into one another, their icing making
polka-dots on each other. I stared at them in glee as, one by one,
they flitted around me, outlining my body. Then, simultaneously,
their joyous humming filled the room and 3-dimensional music notes
bounced off everything. One hit my forehead and I laughed as I
swept it away.