Yesterday's Tomorrows (17 page)

I glanced at Maddy, who was staring back at me. She looked pale, making her beautiful eyes seem even larger on her face. I worried about the dark circles under her lashes, but for the first time I noticed something else - there was trust shining in her eyes.

Another chain around my heart broke. There was no way in hell I was going to let Charly or anyone else ever hurt her again. I hoped that whatever these new growing feelings between us were, they helped to release us from the prison of the past and didn't sentence either of us to more heartbreak. And the only way I could guarantee that was to fortify the guidelines to the new category I had created for Madelyn and her alone: friend.

T
he week began
as Holt had told me it would. He drove me to work, bid me goodbye as we got off the elevator, and drove me home at the end of the day. Despite his protests, I cooked dinner every night. I felt it was the least I could do for letting me stay. He thanked me for the meal, but every night he'd take his plate and disappear into his study and come out hours later when he knew I'd already gone to bed.

After he'd read my letters on Sunday night, he'd asked me some more questions about Paul and Charly. He looked dismayed when he realized the book and necklace I'd asked him about had such sentimental value. He vowed to go back in the daylight and search again.

But after he put the letters down, he didn't sit with me again, didn't hold my hand in support, nor offer any more comforting embraces. He was polite and friendly enough, but he seemed distracted. I finally bid him goodnight, and only then did he give me a hug and another forehead kiss, much like he'd given Carol and Sara when we'd left after Sunday dinner.

To say I felt confused was an understatement. Clearly he’d drawn some lines. Regardless, I didn't have any regrets about telling him everything. It was exhausting holding everything in, and finally confiding in him relieved a tremendous amount of stress. I trusted him. But I missed the affectionate side of him that vanished late Sunday night. I tried to analyze that what I felt for him was gratitude; that I was starved for any tender touch, and I misread his affection, even that I envied him of his family. But despite trying to rationalize my feelings, the truth was I cared about Holt. A lot. He'd never walked on tiptoes around me trying to spare my feelings. Rather, he'd stood up to me and forced me to see how jaded I'd become. Instead of turning me off, his honesty made me trust him.

The only exception to our routine came at the end of the week after a late evening at work. He came into the kitchen while I was stirring a wine-based gravy for the pork chops I was browning in another pan.

He turned off the burners and pulled me to the table that I'd already set. I'd put two place settings out, even though I knew he'd only scoop up the plate and glass and leave, but I wasn't going to make it easier for him to ignore me.

It seemed he'd done a little of his own place setting. On top of my plate was a large box wrapped in silver paper and a red bow.

"What's this?"

"It's on
your
plate. Why don't you open it?"

I picked up the box, which was kind of heavy, and shook it teasingly. He rolled his eyes and gestured with a twist of his finger to get on with it. I gingerly pulled the paper.

"Don't tell me you're one of those who try to unwrap a present without tearing the paper?"

I grinned. "Maybe." I didn't want to tell him that I hadn't had many gifts to practice unwrapping, so I was savoring this one.

Holt rolled his eyes again, but he remained smiling. I slid my finger under the final piece of tape.

"Oh!" The paper slid off to reveal a laptop computer; a new one, not an old one like I had been saving for. Regret filled me. "I can't accept this, Holt."

The smile fell from his face. "Why not?"

"It's...it's too much." Oh, but I wished I could. It would take me months to save for a new computer, especially now that I had so many things to replace after the fire.

"Maddy, please accept it. I know how much tutoring means to you, and since for now you're dependent on me for rides, you're also stuck with my schedule which means you can't commit to what days you can volunteer. This way you're free to work from here or work, or wherever we are. And I saw how good you were with Ethan. There're a lot of kids who need someone like you to help them."

I hesitated.

"Consider it my gift to the education of the future of America," he teased.

"I'll find a way to pay you back," I promised.

"You sort of miss the point of a gift, don't you?" He rubbed his stomach. "Besides, all these meals you insist on cooking are saving me a ton of money on carry out and restaurants. I still come out ahead in this deal."

"Thank you, Holt. This means a lot to me." Deciding to push him a little further, I pointed to his plate. "Maybe you could join me tonight?"

Something akin to discomfort flashed across his face before he quickly masked it. "Sure. Should I get some wine?"

"That would be nice." That was another thing Holt had introduced me to. I'd never drunk anything alcoholic before meeting him, partly because of the unavailability in prison, but also because I'd seen what it had done to my father. Even though he didn't join me, Holt always offered to pour me a glass along with his. For whatever reason - the desire to try something new, an effort to become more sophisticated, or an attempt to draw his attention - I'd accepted his offer and quickly acquired a liking for it.

He poured the wine while I served the meal. Dinner was long finished, and we still chatted about a few things going on at the law firm and some other idle chitchat.

His eyes closed while he chewed. "Oh, I definitely got the better end of this deal. You're a fabulous cook, Maddy. My only problem is how much weight I'm going to gain."

Looking at how trim and toned he was, I doubted it. I quickly looked away before he caught me. I shrugged. "I like to cook. My grandmother's recipes are coming back to me the more time I spend in the kitchen."

He put his fork down. "This is nice."

I raised an eyebrow in question.

"Sharing the meal."

"Then why do I feel like you've been avoiding me this week? I know you're used to having your space. You don't need to babysit me, you know. If you need me to leave--"

"No!" His voice was loud and sharp. He blew out a breath. "I mean, no, I don't want you to leave."

"Then what is it, Holt? I'm so confused. You say you want to be friends, you say you care about me, and then you push me away. So what is it?” I looked into his tortured face. “Whatever it is, I can take it."

He breathed hard, then stood up from his chair so fast it tipped over backward. He took two steps toward me and grabbed me by the forearms, yanking me from my chair so hard I slammed into him. I automatically reached out and grabbed onto him.

He latched on to my hips and pulled them tight against him, making me very aware of his arousal against my belly. "Can you handle this, Madelyn? Can you handle that I want you more than I've ever wanted anybody?" Glittering brown eyes stared down at me. "I've tried not to. God knows I've tried. I'm not supposed to, but I do."

He pushed me away and turned his back, running a hand through his hair leaving it to stick up in a messy, uncontrolled way. It fit his mood. He blew out a breath and braced his arms against the wall. I could see his muscles flexing where his sleeves were rolled up above his elbows.

Maybe it was the wine; I didn't know. Anyone with half a brain knows not to bait a raging bull. But apparently, I was only book smart because I tore into him. "Why, Holt? Why shouldn't you want me? Because I'm not like Claire? Because I'm a felon? Say it, Holt," I demanded, taking a step closer. "Say I'm not good enough for you. You think I don't already know that? Because--"

My words ground to a halt when he whirled to face me, grabbed me by the shoulders, and spun me until I was against the wall. His face swooped toward mine, only to stop mere inches from mine. His breathing was ragged as if he was fighting for control. I didn't think I was breathing at all, holding my breath to see what he was going to do.

To see if he would do what I wanted him to do.

"You're too good, Maddy, that's the problem," he rasped. "You deserve more than me, but fuck if I can stop. I have to know."

"Know what?" My words fell between us on a breath of air. I couldn't move, hypnotized by the glow in his eyes.

"What your lips taste like."

I couldn't process his words, so fast was his mouth on mine. One hand clasped the back of my neck while the other tangled in my hair along the side of my face. His thumb skimmed back and forth across my cheekbone while his lips moved along mine. They started off hard and angry before changing to soft and entreating. Over and over they alternately rubbed across my top and lower lips.

"So sweet," he whispered against them.

There was no thought of protest as I stood still, basking in being the recipient of my first kiss, but he'd mentioned tasting, and suddenly I wanted the same privilege. I had no experience to fall back on except good ole' feminine instinct, so I turned myself over to her. I copied his movements. Wanting to feel more than just his lips, I slid my hands over his chest and into his hair where I threaded my fingers into the thick waves.

"Maddy," he groaned. Worried I'd done something wrong or that he didn't like it I started to pull away, but he quickly embraced me tighter and held my head firmer, and suddenly it felt like he was taking small nips, actually tugging at my lower lip with his teeth. The sensation of a thousand butterflies releasing in my abdomen caused me to gasp, and that's when I felt him actually taste me. His tongue slowly licked the seam of my lips before gradually slipping past them. When I felt his tongue stroke mine, my own groan escaped, and I tentatively touched his in return.

Holt was not only tasting me, he was consuming me, and I was lost in the pleasure of it. Something like a growl vibrated from his throat as our tongues twisted and dueled. His hands slid down and clasped me under my ass and lifted me until I could fit his hardness between my thighs in exactly the right place. I clung to him with my legs, grinding against him while seeking to relieve the aching pressure that was building deep within me. His hips pinned me in place against the wall and rocked against me, strengthening a need that I longed to have fulfilled, yet terrifying me with the powerlessness I felt. I could no more control my desire than I could hold back the tide.

Warmth turned to heat between my legs. I wrenched my mouth away from Holt's and threw back my head, crying out as I splintered into a thousand pieces, exhilarated and terrified that I'd never come back together as the same person I'd been moments before.

Something resembling a whimper escaped my mouth as tiny tremors still wracked my body. Holt trailed gentle kisses from my mouth to my neck where he buried his face. I felt his ragged breathing while his hands clenched my backside and held me still against him. My head dropped to his shoulder, feeling like a pile of jelly, and not a little embarrassed at what had just happened, but not a bit sorry for it either. I couldn’t believe he’d been able to give me my first orgasm with only a kiss and our clothes still on.

"Maddy," he whispered, still not lifting his head. "I didn't mean...I'm sor--"

I lifted my head. "Don't," I whispered. I didn't need to hear his excuses or regrets.

He raised his head and gazed warily at me.

Heat scorched my cheeks, both from embarrassment and passion. "Please don't cheapen what just happened with an apology." My voice still sounded a little breathless, but I was able to inflect the firmness I wanted. I unwrapped my legs from his waist and my hands from his neck. They were trembling, so powerful had he made me come.

He loosened his grasp, allowing me to stand on my own two feet, and I took the necessary steps to move away from him.

“We should talk,” he said hoarsely.

"I…" My voice sounded squeaky. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I'm really tired. I’d rather just go to bed. If you don't mind, I'll clean this up in the morning," I said quietly.

He reached a hand out and opened his mouth as if to speak, but sighed and closed it, shoving his hands into his pockets. He looked as confused and upset as I felt. "Maddy…I…” He shook his head and stared at the floor. “Good night, Maddy."

Oddly relieved and disappointed at the same time that he didn't argue for me to stay, I turned and walked out, pausing briefly to look over my shoulder. I held onto the molding framing the entranceway as I took in how defeated he appeared. He hadn't moved at all, except to close his eyes and let his head bow and shoulders droop.

Hoping a shower would help cool off my still pulsing bloodstream, I stripped off my clothes. Peeling off my panties that were drenched from the release he’d given me, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was tousled, and my skin was flushed from head to toe. I skimmed my hands down my chest, across my breasts. I closed my eyes and imagined it was Holt. He said he wanted to taste my lips, but now I wished he’d tasted the rest of me as well. My fingers continued their journey, grazing over my warm core, still wet and sensitive.

Holt’s touch sparked incredible new feelings, like nothing I’d ever known existed. But then he apologized, spoiling what I thought had been a shared special moment. I didn’t want to hear him say he was sorry; didn’t want him to
be
sorry it happened. So I’d snuck out, trying to save both of our pride. So why did he look so miserable instead of relieved? And I wasn’t any happier here by myself.

Back in my bedroom, I went about my bedtime routine as if on autopilot. I turned out the light and lay there, uncertain of where we were to go from here. I heard his footsteps in the hall pause outside my room. I held my breath, not even sure what I wanted, but after a minute, they continued down the hall where I heard his door click shut.

I rolled over and clutched the pillow to me. Holt thought I needed him to protect me, but who was going to protect my heart from him?