Yesterday's Tomorrows (18 page)

T
he car ride
to my parent's house was quiet. I'd started off making idle chitchat, but Maddy's softly spoken, mostly one-word answers as she stared out the window soon had me as quiet as her. The silence did nothing to distract me from thinking about the kiss we’d shared last night.

I knew it was a bad idea to kiss her. I had naively believed I could limit the contact to just a sample. But her response was so honest, her taste so sweet, I was all too soon lost in her touch. My dick grew rock hard within seconds, so when she began to rock her hips against me, it felt only natural to align her softness where I needed it most. Well almost. I’d wanted to remove the barrier of clothes, but thank God some semblance of rationale stuck around. Then, watching her come apart in my arms had been a beautiful and satisfying experience in its own way. It was seared permanently in my mind’s eye…and my dick’s. Just sitting next to her and smelling her sweet scent was enough to make him stir and remind me that last night’s and this morning’s episodes in the shower weren’t enough to satisfy him. Greedy bastard.

I hated the awkwardness that now existed between us. It was my fault - succumbing to a desire I had no right to. But having tasted her, feeling her innocent but uninhibited response, so natural and uncontrived, I only wanted more. She'd said she'd never had a boyfriend, so I was pretty sure that meant she was completely inexperienced in all sexual matters. And instead of a turnoff, it was a complete turn on. I wanted to be the one to teach her, experience all of her firsts.

The problem was, I wasn't sure I could give her every part of me, at least not yet, and she deserved nothing less. So selfishly, I needed some space even while I wasn’t willing to grant her the same reprieve. I knew it wasn't fair, but I wanted her near me.

I wasn't sure how long I could take today’s silence, but I was grateful I'd been able to talk her into accepting my mom's early morning invitation to come back and spend the day with my family. It couldn't have come at a better time; somehow I needed to make things right between us again, and allowing for more space and distance between us wasn't going to work in my favor. I could tell she was about to decline until I mentioned helping my niece and nephews carve Halloween pumpkins.

As if she couldn't help herself, her eyes lit with interest. Knowing what I did about her childhood, I suspected she'd never done many of the typical childhood rites of passage, like going all out for Halloween. So, like the lawyer I was, I pressed my argument harder. "Mom will be busy baking so Carol could probably use an extra hand, and you know the kids adore you. Please say 'yes,' Maddy. You know you want to," I wheedled.

I wasn't above begging at this point. A part of me felt guilty, but I desperately needed a little time to sort the feelings I was having while making sure she didn’t run the minute I turned my back.

"Okay," she'd said. "It sounds like fun if you're sure you don't mind."

Within an hour after our arrival, my mom's kitchen was full of the aroma of cinnamon and cloves as well as the sounds of childish giggles and feminine laughter. I peeked in and saw my mom spooning her pumpkin mixture into pie shells while the kids and Carol hovered around the kitchen table scooping out pumpkin seeds. Carol shifted sideways a bit, and I saw Maddy helping four-year-old Andrew. He flicked a seed off his hand and burst into laughter when it landed on Maddy's face. She gave him a playful scowl as she wiped it away, then scooped up a handful of the yellow goop and pretended like she was going to rub it on his face. Andrew shrieked and ducked, and Maddy burst into laughter, dropping the stringy seeds back on the table.

My breath hitched in my throat. She looked happy, and happy on Madelyn Stone was beautiful.

I was about to duck out unnoticed, but she chose to look up at that moment. Her smile slipped, but I quickly offered her one of my own. As if drawn by an invisible thread, I took the necessary steps to stand alongside her and reached into her hair. She watched my movements as if mesmerized.

"You had another seed in your hair," I said quietly. I dropped my hand, but I couldn't stop staring at her lips, remembering how sweet they tasted and desperately wanted another taste. I'm not sure how long we stared at each other before Carol cleared her throat, grinning mischievously as her eyes flicked to the kids. Startled, I pulled back realizing I had leaned forward to do exactly what was in my head.

Maddy flushed and laughed nervously. "Thank you."

I grinned. "I'm glad you're having fun." Whispering in her ear, I asked, "Can I talk to you a minute?" It wasn't fair of me, but I knew she wouldn't make a scene in front of my family, so I seized the moment.

"Oh, I, um..." She looked between the kids and Carol and my mom, who were both looking at us with knowing expressions. "Um, sure."

She washed her hands off at the kitchen sink, and while she was drying her hands, my mom whispered something to her. Maddy's eyes darted at me and the color on her face heightened, but she merely nodded and replaced the towel on its hook.

I gestured for her to proceed me into the living room and was about to guide her to the back deck, when Buddy barked at the door and in walked Cal carrying Cara. "We’re here,” he hollered. “Sorry we're late. What’s to eat?" When he looked up, I saw surprise flash across his face as he recognized Maddy, then he broke out into a smile.

"Madelyn. Great to see you again. I see your powers are still at work." His wink was accompanied by a not-so-subtle jerk of his head in my direction. "Lucky you, little bro."

His previous shout, however, had startled his baby girl who chose that moment to start screaming.

"Here," he said with some desperation, and he thrust the baby into Maddy's surprised arms. "See if you can work your magic on her. She's been cranky all morning."

Maddy raised the baby to her shoulder and rubbed her back in soothing circles. Cara almost immediately stopped crying.

“Oh, thank God,” Cal muttered. “Of all the mornings for Sara to get called into the store, my little angel turned into a devil.”

Maddy glared at him and moved away from us, singsonging words of disapproval for Cara’s father and his description.

My mom also came rushing out. "Why was the baby crying?" She stopped when she saw Maddy swaying and humming. "Oh."

She ground to a halt watching as Maddy bounced and swayed her way over to a window, tuning all of us out as she whispered and cooed at the baby, all of us watching her. Cal's hand clasped my shoulder. I knew exactly what was on his mind and why he'd shifted the baby to Maddy. I wanted to be angry, but his plan had worked. I could easily see Maddy as a mother some day. What I wasn't expecting was the mental image of her cradling our baby. A stab of pain pierced my heart.

"Forever is still there, Son," Mom whispered in my ear before heading back into the kitchen.

A
short while
later I sat in my dad's chair in his study that overlooked the backyard. I thought about my mom’s words as I watched Maddy play with my niece and nephews outside in the fall leaves. Andrew had been trying to chase his older siblings, but of course, his little toddler legs were no match for them. Maddy swept in and scooped him up and ran in whatever direction he pointed, becoming a longer set of legs for him. I could hear his shrieks of laughter and shouts of 'faster' even through the window. All of them had huge grins on their faces. I felt my own smile play about my lips.

"She's a nice girl," my dad commented from the door.

I nodded, never taking my eyes off Maddy.

My dad moved into the room until he was standing at the window. "You're thinking about Claire, also, aren't you?"

My dad was a little too perceptive. I didn't bother answering.

He, too, watched the antics outside. After a few minutes, he turned to face me, sliding his hands into his pockets. "You know, Son, I think we men are instinctively protective. In some ways, it's sort of cavemanesque.

"Did you just create a new word?" I laughed, wondering where he was going with his thought process. Christopher Andrews was a relatively quiet man, but he was insightful, and I’d learned long ago to listen when he had something to say.

He chuckled. "Merriam-Webster would be proud." He grew serious again. "We like to protect what we think is ours; it doesn't matter the species. We piss on fire hydrants, we bang our tusks, we bare our teeth, and flash our muscles. We all do it, especially when it comes to our mate."

I rolled my eyes and finally looked at him. "Is there a point to this little nature lesson, Dad?"

"There is." He settled into the leather chair across from his desk. "We can only protect what is real, like flesh and blood. We can't protect memories, Holt. You can treasure them, share them, or even keep them secret, but you can’t protect them."

"You're talking about Claire."

It was his turn to nod.

I sighed and rubbed my face in my hands as I leaned my elbows on his desk. My father always looked so strong and capable of anything sitting behind this desk. Sitting in his chair, I felt weak and inefficient. "I didn't protect Claire like I should have when she was alive, Dad. I didn't live up to my promise to her."

"You couldn't have stopped her death, Holt. That doesn't mean you didn't protect her."

"No." I shook my head vehemently.

"Holt--"

"She was pregnant, Dad." The secret fell from my lips before I could stop it.

My dad froze. I closed my eyes; I couldn't look at him as he processed that if things had gone differently, there would be another almost five-year-old running around his back yard right now.

"Oh, Son." I felt his strong hands grasp my shoulders. "Why didn't you tell us?"

I bowed my head. "We were going to tell everyone after we came home from the honeymoon. But afterward, I was such a mess. I couldn't live with the truth that I lost two people that day. And then Carol announced she was pregnant. It was the first time people began to smile, and I couldn't take that away from all of you, so I didn't say anything. Children should be celebrated, and I couldn't celebrate mine. Maybe that was selfish, I don't know. I wasn't in a good place back then, and later it just seemed too late." I tried to wipe away the tear that started to drip from my eye before my dad could see.

"It's okay, Son. Let it out. You've kept too much bottled up inside for too long." The catch in his voice was all it took to release the dam that had been building all day. My dad knelt in front of me and pulled me into a hug and held me as my guilt, grief, and secret flowed out.

When I finally felt I could compose myself, I stood. My father rose with me, his own eyes damp. "Talk to me, Holten."

Restless, I paced the floor before finally moving to stand in front of the window where my father had stood moments earlier. A sudden exhaustion gripped me, and I leaned against the wall, resting the side of my head on the window frame. I stared out the panes without really seeing.

"Claire didn't like taking birth control pills. She tried. I guess it's rare, but she always complained it made her feel bad, especially around, well, you know..." Even as a grown man, it wasn't easy to talk about sex and women's cycles, even with my dad.

"So," I continued, "she was going to try another form, but you know how busy she was. So I always kept it covered, you know? Until she had time to go to the doctor. But you know how they say it only takes one time? It's true. I didn't protect her one night, and she got pregnant."

I turned around to face my dad who still hadn't said a word, just listened. I half expected to see some form of anger or judgment on his face for my carelessness, but there was nothing but sympathy and understanding.

"I remember the night I went to her apartment. It was a holiday weekend, Labor Day I think, so we all had a seventy-two-hour liberty. We were going to finish up some plans for the wedding. She was so pale when I opened the door, I knew something was wrong. That's when she told me she was pregnant. She was scared it was too soon, scared I'd be mad at her, and terrified she'd have to do it alone because my unit was going to be mobilized.

"I was shocked, but I wasn't angry. And as we sat there and talked about becoming parents, we grew more and more excited. We knew we wanted a family, it was just going to happen earlier than we planned. The wedding was only a month and a half away, so we decided not to tell anyone until afterward. A couple of weeks later I took some leave and we went to the doctor for her first ultrasound. And there on the screen was my child, his or her heart beating away. I didn't know how fast a baby's heart could beat, Dad, but there it was, with tiny little arms and legs. We came home and held each other and the picture of our child. We were so happy, but she was still so scared. I promised her everything'd be fine, and I'd always take care of them. And I knew if I did deploy, you guys would be there for her as well as her family."

I slid to the floor and held my head. "I promised her, Dad. I promised everything would be okay, but it wasn't."

My dad squatted on the floor in front of me. "No, it wasn't, Holt, but that wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was, Dad." I raised my tear-filled eyes and saw my pain reflected in his face. "It turns out she had a heart condition. That's what killed her. The pregnancy was too much for her body. And she was only pregnant because I didn't protect her from it. I killed her, and I killed my unborn child."

"No, Holt. I won't let you go there. She died from an undiagnosed heart condition."

"Right, but the pregnancy added to the complication, and the pregnancy happened because of my carelessness," I repeated.

"It was a tragedy, Holt, but it's no more your fault than Claire's. There is no blame in this. Neither of you had any idea about her health issue."

"But maybe if..."

"Holt, I'm not going to let you do this. It was no one's fault. If you had known, I've no doubt you would have done everything you could to protect them both. But that leads me back to my first point. You can't change anything. Claire doesn't need protecting anymore. Your child doesn't need protecting anymore. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Real flesh and blood, that's what
needs
you. And Holt, I sense that girl out there needs you. You're trying so hard to protect a memory that you're going to end up hurting her, and that's not fair to her or you. You were blessed with the love of a wonderful woman once. Be grateful, but don't be regretful and think you need to punish yourself. You dishonor Claire when you do." He tipped his head toward the window. “And that little gal out there? She’s gotten to you. She wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t, and you and I both know that.”

I sat still, listening to his wisdom and amazed by his insight. I’d already hurt her, but I didn’t confess that.

"You think I don't know what you do, Son?” he continued quietly. “You use women to relieve a physical need but don't allow any of them close enough to relieve your real pain, your fear of loving and maybe losing again. Maybe that's because the right woman has never come along to create the kind of turmoil I see in your eyes. I think we both know that Maddy means more to you than you want to admit, all because of some unnecessary guilt you carry.”

He nodded toward the window. “I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s got some pain of her own, so I suspect she'll understand yours. You just have to give her a chance. And if you can't do that, don't string her along. She deserves someone who will protect her heart while it’s still beating. And you deserve a woman who looks at you the way she does."

He clapped me on the back. "I love you, Holt. I think you should share the whole story with your family, and then with her; I think sharing it will help you."

"Maybe," I answered.

"Let us mourn with you, Son. I won't lie. It hurts knowing I would have had another grandchild. But worse, it's killing me that you thought you had to keep that secret to spare us. That wasn't a grief you should have ever tried to carry by yourself. Let us in. We don't need you to protect us, but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there who needs you as much as you need her."

I nodded. My dad's words made me think of everything in a different light.

"Can I have a few minutes?" I asked him.

He squeezed my shoulder one more time before closing the door on his way out, allowing me the time to compose myself. I looked out the window again. Maddy was lying on the ground with the kids all tugging on her arms trying to pull her up. I could tell by the way she'd allow them to lift her part way up that she was pretending to be too tired. Although as hard as I knew those kids could play, maybe she wasn't pretending. I chuckled as she suddenly pulled little Andrew under her. I saw him laughing and squirming as she tickled him until the twins piled on top of her trying to tickle her.

She seemed like such a natural fit in my family. Everyone enjoyed her company. I found myself looking forward to going home at the end of the day instead of finding reasons to stay at work. She'd already changed my life. Could I let her change it further? For the first time, I started to think not only could I, but I longed for her to try. I just needed to convince her.

But first things first.

I had to hurt my family one more time.