Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (33 page)

“It won’t make him strong enough
quickly enough,” IMRM shortens.

“Yeah, fine. So what should we
d-”

“WOW YAWN. DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU
YOUR VOICES ARE ABOUT AS EXCITING AS A BAG OF CAT
DICKS?”

“I’d say that certainly is a new one
for us,” IMRM responds.

“YEAH, WELL I’M PRETTY SICK OF YOU
GUYS. FIGHTING’S ONLY FUN IF YOU MAKE YOUR OPPONENTS SUFFER. LET’S
GET TO THAT PART,” Ultimate says, his patience now at zero, as he
steps out of the fountain. IMRM turns to the others.

“Split up, his attention will be
divided if we attack at differ-”

“SILENCE!” Ultimate yells as he throws
his seventh, thirteenth, and left fists at the party. Again the
four leap, step, or roll out of the way, but this time they don’t
enter groups of two, they just fight solo at each
direction.

HTO has no time to look at the others,
as the moment he gets out from the initial strike, a group of six
fists reach down to smash him into a pulp. The Skilled Fencer
dodges with more speed this time, as he can dodge the strikes more
easily. They may be more in number, but their range is smaller. It
only takes a few more seconds until he analyzes a pattern and goes
on the offensive. Smart, almost psychic placement of his rapier
causes Ultimate to impale his arms and fists into it again and
again, almost raining blood on HTO and the ground around him. He
continues on, striking and dodging just like his comrades, who are
personifying unity and manliness. It does not take long before
Ultimate realizes that he cannot mentally pay attention to four
people surrounding him, because he doesn’t have enough eyes to do
so.

“LOOK AT YOU FUCKING CHILDREN, ACTING
LIKE FOUR ON ONE IS EVEN FAIR. A TRUE MAN COULD DEFEAT ME ALL BY
HIMSELF, EVEN THOUGH HE COULDN’T BECAUSE I’M THE BEST. I’LL SHOW
YOU ALL JUST HOW MEANLINGLESS YOU ARE,” he proclaims as UDGD wails
upon his right leg with his axe. Ultimate tears some holes in his
body with his bare hands, and then leaps back into his
pool.

“Follow ‘em!” UDGD yells as he motions
to the pool.

“I feel that this wou-” IMRM halts his
sentence as UDGD and SISY leap readily into the pool. HTO turns to
IMRM.

“Why not?”

“Most humans are very poor at fighting
in bodies of liquid, but it seems our hands are tied by our allies-
so we might as well,” IMRM says as he turns to the pool and leaps
in. HTO sighs, looks at the pool of pain, and decides he’ll wait-
he hates water, so a liquid that hurts a person is even less
enjoyable a concept.

The inside of the pool is easier to see
while inside the testosterone. It is like a large bowl, but with
what looks like a grey, emaciated corpse at the bottom. IMRM and
SISY make the observation that the current gets much stronger near
the corpse, as if it were the source of the manliness liquid. UDGD
and IMRM have little problem sinking down with their heavier
armors, making it easy to re-engage Ultimate, who is poised over
the corpse as if drinking its power.

UDGD begins with a side-swoop to his
foe’s neck, but is easily caught by Ultimate’s 24th fist. The
mighty beast, who seems to be able to move in testosterone as
easily as moving out of the stuff, barrages UDGD with a rabid group
of beefy arms, only gaining beefiness as they brutalize themselves
in the attack. The Axeman flies out of the pool (minus one axe)
with several dents in his black armor, each like a permanent weight
pressing into his body. SISY, seeing what happened, quickly pulls
himself out and rushes over to UDGD.

“HEY FRIEND, IT’S OKAY. FIGHTING LIKE
THAT IS HARD ANYWAY,” SISY yells in UDGD’s face with intense
excitement, as if his friend weren’t even in pain. UDGD groans, and
coughs up a bit of blood.

“Shut... up... you dumbass... where...
is... my axe?”

“Do you really want me to shut up,
because then I couldn’t tell you where your a-”

“Okay! Shit. Where?!”

“You lost it when you got punched up. I
gotta’ say, I’m pretty jealous of you that you got hurt so
ba-”

“Help me up, dammit!” UDGD interrupts,
not finding SISY’s conversational nature in the middle of a fight
appropriate or manly at all. With a swift tug of the arm
administered by his comrade, UDGD flies back up to his feet and
gains his balance. He shakes his head a moment, takes a breath, and
turns back to SISY.

“Where’s Ace?” UDGD asks. SISY does not
answer, presuming that the deep sound of impacts underwater would
answer the question. UDGD looks into the pool, and finds IMRM and
Ultimate dashing about below, both moving at speeds much higher
than that of a common swimmer. Seconds of the show down pass, and
IMRM is successfully able to grasp the corpse at the bottom, and
leaps out just in time to avoid Ultimate’s grasp. The tall enigma
throws the corpse aside as it spews out testosterone from every
orifice.

“I suggest we destroy th-”

“Smash it!”

“Okay!”

“ONLY NEED TO ASK!” UDGD commands the
other two, who get to work on it. Ultimate pulls himself out with
ten new eyes at various places to see his enemies dealing the few
blows needed to finally slay his prisoner. The flow of testosterone
from the corpse ends, and Ultimate roars in anger.

“FUCK. FUCK YOU GUYS. DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU’VE DONE?!” IMRM is the first to answer.

“Deprived you of your source of
self-regeneration, yes?” Ace answers, readying his scythe for what
he hopes is the final engagement.

“I KEPT HIM ALIVE TO DRINK HIS
MANLINESS. NOW I’M LIMITED FOREVER! YOU DUMB FUCKS HAVE NO IDEA
WHA-”

“I think we have a pretty damn good
idea what we did,” UDGD says with a bland showing of teeth, like
some weird half-smile. Ultimate grips his jaw in grief and pulls
out several teeth in grief.

“BUT NOW NONE OTHER THAN I CAN BECOME A
LORD OF TESTOSTERONE. I’LL BE THE FIRST AND THE LAST. AREN’T YOU
AFRAID OF THAT?”

“Not really, c’nsiderin’ we’ll be
killin’ ya’,” Rick says to Ultimate.

“WE’LL SEE, DICKFACE, WHO IS TRULY
WORTHY OF THIS FOUNTAIN. BEHOLD, MY LOYAL MINIONS OF THE
FACE-PUNCHING CULT! MINIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONS, COME HITHER!” Ultimate
calls out through the halls connecting to the fountain room.
Seconds pass of his voice echoing throughout the underground
complex, but there is no response.

“... WHAT THE CUNT? HAVE THEY ALL
ABANDONED ME?!”

“Seems that way,” UDGD responds coolly
and conversationally purposefully playing down his foe’s
disappointment. Ultimate stomps his foot in anger, takes a deep
breath, and returns with a grin.

“DOESN’T FUCKIN’ MATTER. LET’S GO,
WEAKLINGS!” Ultimate challenges, keeping a close watch on all of
them with his ten extra eyes.

RE-ENGAGE!

Ultimate rushes forward at the warriors
with his army of arms, throwing down rapidly to crush
them.

UDGD is generally too slow to keep up
with dodging, so he directly combats half of the fists while
dodging the other bunch. His axe flies and rotates with a speed to
keep his grip and still send the blade into the assaulting arms.
The number and speed prove too much, however, and he makes a vital
mistake. UDGD loses his focus in the dodging, and is punched at
opposing angles by two meaty, manly fists. His armor plating is
flattened even more, forcing a bolt of bile to be shot out from his
gut. The Axeman is then smashed around onto the floor, and flung
aside onto the solid walkway at a lower level of the
fountain.

Phillip fights valiantly, if seen as a
bit cowardly by the others. He continuously and consciously dodges
while smartly placing his rapier at where he guesses Ultimate will
attack next. Again and again he makes successful calls, and he
almost put under the impression that he could kill Ultimate by
himself, but the arms freed by UDGD’s defeat stretch around and
overwhelm him in the next moment. A volley of fists from all
directions sweep, hook, and thrust forward, smashing HTO into one
of the pillars surrounding the fountain’s pedestal, knocking him
unconscious... again.

SISY and IMRM continue on the fight
which has just doubled in difficulty for both of them; one fighting
with a seemingly limitless mania, and the other with cold
precision. The Insane Swordsman has long-since gotten into a rhythm
for attacking, and this rhythm only increases in speed as the extra
arms come to tear him down like his other two comrades. Like meat
to a butcher, SISY obliterates limb after limb with furiously
strong, well-aimed strikes, taking the brunt of most of the punches
while being perceptive and quick enough to dodge the large,
multi-fisted strikes that would send him flying. IMRM on the other
side holds just as well, if not better. Each move is perfectly
articulated and comprehended, his scythe moving in violent unison
with his body. He disables arm after arm to the point that he is
attacked solely by failing, broken, bloody appendages. Ultimate
roars in anger, being bested a second time.

“YOU LAUGHABLE FUCKERS THINK YOU’RE
SOMETHING, EH? WELL LET’S SEE IF YOU CAN KILL ME WHEN I’M ACTUALLY
TRYING!” Ultimate yells, forcing his manly testosterone power to
its limit.

IMRM and SISY are instantly forced back
by a monumental pressure, like the universe itself attempting to
punch them really, really slowly. Ultimate yells like a madman,
pushing his power to its very peak and bursts into an intense white
flame. The Subspace Orchestra bursts into a dark crescendo,
complete with dueling guitars wailing in admiration for Ultimate’s
great manliness.

“YOU’LL NEVER DEFEAT ME! I AM
MANLINESS! I AM THE ESSENCE OF THE FIST!” Ultimate cries out,
shaking the entirety of the room as he melts and melds.

SISY laughs gleefully.

“READY TO FINISH THE FIGHT, BROTHER?!”
SISY yells out to IMRM as he displays his violent array of
teeth.

“I’m ready, let’s do it,” IMRM affirms
as he pulls back his scythe to show his preparedness.

Ultimate’s body melts and hardens back
into the form of a single enormous, hovering, burning fist, giving
the finger to the two warriors. The giant fist known as Ultimate
ascends into the air, and clenches itself with limitless manliness,
causing an intense explosion from out of the palm.

“DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD DEFEAT
THE LEADER OF THE FACE-PUNCHING KINGDOM? THE FACE OF THE WORLD IS
RIGHTFULLY OURS TO PUNCH AS WE PLEASE. YOU WILL NEVER-”

“Hey,” UDGD interrupts, helping HTO up
the stairs by the shoulder. The great fist hovers
resiliently.

“YES?”

“I’m sick and tired of you
face-punching bastards. It’s time I-... we put you down. We’re
going to kill you,” UDGD corrects, steadily realizing how much he
needs these other men for his survival. The giant fist hovering
over the 5 men laughs.

“HA HA! I’VE NEVER SEEN A WEAKLING
QUITE AS CONFIDANT AS YOU! YET IT MATTERS NOT. IT IS NOTHING
WITHOUT MANLY POWER! COME FORWARD AND DIE,” Ultimate challenges,
sealing the words for the final exchange of strikes. UDGD and HTO
reassert their fighting stances, and rush forward with IMRM and
SISY. The force of four leap at the mighty fist, just as he slams
down at them. The immense exchange of force between the weapons and
the fist causes an intense explosion of blood and fire, as Ultimate
receives multiple wounds and his opponents soar into the back wall.
IMRM is fast enough to grasp UDGD and HTO to reduce their impact,
while SISY slams his face into it, breaking his nose and smashing a
couple teeth – as usual, his smile only widens upon being hurt. As
the group falls, Ultimate spares no time to hurl his fist-like form
at them to crush them all between the wall. IMRM and SISY catches
on quickly and hold their weapons opposite to the wall. Ultimate
smashes himself into the group, impaling himself to the bone with
SISY’s greatsword and IMRM’s double-edge scythe. UDGD throws his
axe into the hand, and climbs on with focused speed and poise as
HTO, held in place by IMRM who is in turn held in place by his
weapon impaled into Ultimate, rapidly jabs his blade into
Ultimate’s blazing body, paying little mind to the intense heat.
Ultimate roars in pain and flies up to the ceiling to crush UDGD,
who is now at the back of his hand. Picking up on IMRM’s and SISY’s
movement, UDGD mimicks them and holds his axe’s shaft opposite to
the ceiling. Ultimate smashes it into himself as he hits the
ceiling with reckless speed. He forced a bit farther this time,
though, smashing in UDGD’s breastplate and causing him to spew up
blood. The mortal fluid of both opponents paint the wall, one a
pinkish color that catches fire the moment it touches air, and the
other a deep, human crimson. The frenzied Ultimate turns around and
flies downward, poised to finish off the Grim Axemen.

IMRM by this point has already carried
the two others below their position, and is now leaping upward,
drawing back his scythe in a cold, perfectly calm motion. IMRM
clashes his weight with Ultimate as his throws his scythe across
the hand’s body, causing another hydrant of blood to spew forth. In
the second moment as IMRM and UDGD are flung down by the intense
weight, IMRM grasps the axeman and pushes him out of the way as
Ultimate smashes down the back of his hand, driving the axe in even
further. SISY and HTO re-engage their foe, mutilating him for the
final time. Ultimate screams, cries, and throws profanities with
every breath as he forces his fist down into IMRM, in the hopes
that he could kill even one of them.