Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (30 page)

There is a brass panel with a paragraph
engraved on it at the top. The paragraph is incomplete, however, as
occasional words in the paragraph are juxtaposed with numbers.
Under the paragraph are five switches, each with a word above and
below it. Below the switches is a button.

UDGD presumes this is a puzzle made for
the inhabitants of the face-punching cult’s old city, something
they presumed only one of their initiates would know. The skilled
warrior guesses that the button is to check the answer for the
puzzle, and if it is wrong, it will more-than-likely reactivate the
stupid-but-deadly face-obliterating trap. UDGD reads the paragraph,
and then the words above and below each switch.

The paragraph reads as
follows:

“The Face Punching Cult is the (#1)
group of (#2) (#3) you’ll ever meet! They love fighting, drinking a
ton, and (#4)! They’re the (#5)!”

The switches read as
follows:

Switch #1 has the words “weakest” and
“coolest”.

Switch #2 has the words “intense” and
“dumbass”.

Switch #3 has the words “badasses” and
“buttholes”.

Switch #4 has the words “murder” and
“penises”.

Switch #5 has the words “gayest” and
“manliest”.

UDGD sighs, and promptly flips switches
#1 and #5 down, and switches #2, #3, and #4 up, making the
sentence:

“The Face Punching Cult is the
(coolest) group of (intense) (badasses) you’ll ever meet! They love
fighting, drinking a ton, and (murder)! They’re the
(manliest)!”

Without another thought spared to it,
UDGD presses the button.

“click” goes a sound below.

UDGD rises up from the ground, and
looks around.

“Alright, what ne-” he halts his
sentence as a great rumbling emanates from beneath their
feet.

Guitars fire up from a deep bass to a
wild electric, viciously shredding as an enormous opening tears in
the ground as it forces an entryway out from the dirt. From within
the depths shines an evil, probably-manly light. For a rare moment,
the Subspace Orchestra breaks out into applause, quite impressed
that the heroes have gotten this far in their search. The invisible
hands clap on for a few seconds more, and then fade back into
silence. UDGD stares down into the opening as the others
approach.

“Hey, I heard... WHOA, IT’S A HUGE
TUNNEL!” SISY exclaims as he rushes though a group of hanging
vines.

“Yeah, it is,” UDGD says bluntly. SISY
looks around and sees DTO on the ground.

“WHOA WHOA IS HE OKAY? WHAT
HAPP-”

“He ran into somethin’ I think,” says
UDGD, not completely lying considering DTO’s has been running into
his foot quite a few times. SISY shrugs.

“IS HE ALR-”

“Yeah, he’s fine.”

“Oh, good. So this is the way to the
fountain?” SISY asks, presuming correctly that DTO will regain
consciousness in a few moments.

“Of course it-” Honks yawns in the
midst of his sentence, “is you noob,” he says as he approaches the
others; he sounds as if he’s been napping all twenty of these
minutes they’ve been down here “Did you think it was their pantry
or something? Butthole.” SISY grins, seeing Mr. Honkers as snippy
as ever. Honks looks over to DTO.

“Did he see his reflection and
faint?”

“Naw, I think he jus’ hit somethin’.
He’ll be okay in a bit,” UDGD says as he stands in front of the
entrance, peering down. The other two join him, IMRM standing to
the side next to DTO, politely waiting.

UDGD and Honks frown looking at the
depths below.

“So we ready?” UDGD asks the others.
Mr. Honkers pulls up his purple-tinted goggles just a moment to
address UDGD with an expression that says: “do you have a brain.”
The Axeman sighs, and shakes his head. “Let’s go,” he says,
catching Mr. Honker’s bitter vibe. IMRM nods.

“Very good. I’ll take Mr. Phillip along
with us,” the tallest in the group says as he steps over to DTO.
SISY wonders for a moment who this “Mr. Phillip” is, and then
realizes that IMRM is talking about DTO.

“Wait a sec,” UDGD says, stopping
IMRM.

Mr. Honkers rolls his eyes. “I’ll do
it,” UDGD adds, picking the boy up and piggybacking him like a kid.
SISY looks on in a bit of surprise, unsure how to feel about UDGD’s
display of affection.

“Ahh, alright. Thank you, Mr. Rick,”
IMRM nods. SISY squints an eye just a bit hearing another new name.
He guesses that IMRM must be a rather nosy person as to find out
people’s names in the group so quickly.

“Yeah, no problem,” UDGD says as he
carries DTO into the entryway and down the steps. IMRM comes along,
leaving Mr. Honkers and SISY staring in thought. UDGD turns around.
“You guys comin’?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah! Let’s do it!”

“I was straightening my... balls,” the
two of them answer as they catch up to the other three.

The five of them descend the stone
steps down into the warm guts of the face punching cult’s ancient
headquarters. Assailing the group’s nostrils are scents
all-too-familiar to people like UDGD and SISY. Blood, sweat, shit,
and the sobering scent of stomach bile, probably from splattered
entrails deeper in, are all distinctive to the noses of the two
warriors in the surprisingly hot innards of the well-lit tunnel.
UDGD scowls with abyssal deepness.

“The guy was right,” he says, referring
to their air-fortress’ navigator.

“What guy?” SISY asks as they continue
down the stairs into a hall of stone.

“You know, the navigator
guy.”

“Oh, Hokair?”

“Yeah that dude.”

“Oh yeah, you mean about the signs of
life?”

“You smell it too?”

“How could I not? All of this blood and
guts smell really fresh!” SISY says with an enthusiasm that the
others in the group do not find all too comforting.

“Yeah, and how could these torches be
lit for so long if no one’s been here. Be ready. I think an-...
stop,” UDGD says as he extends his hand to the side and stops
calmly. The others stop behind him. Mr. Honkers looks ahead of
them.

“Noob, do you even lift? There’s
obviously nothing in front of us,” he says with his usual tone of
voice sounding like a cross between the voice of a man born without
a nose and the jeering of a hated relative. UDGD sharpens his
perception a bit more, and spots the trap in front of
them.

“A trap, look, these tiles,” UDGD
points out, “they all have pictures on them.”

“Yeah cute, so we just walk across the
tiles like any normal tiles- hur durr.”

“Dumbass, look up,” UDGD says as he
gestures to the ceiling. For every tile below, there is a hole in
the ceiling situated directly above each one. Mr. Honkers huffs in
surprise upon realizing the actually quite-obvious trap, and looks
to the side.

“Well it’s not like I would have
triggered it, fatty,” Honks says softly, implying that he, unlike
UDGD, is too light-weight and fit to set off such a dumb trap.
Everyone in the group save Honks finds this statement ironic. UDGD
nods sarcastically, hearing the whole thing before, and turns back
to the trap.

“... Any ideas?” he questions to the
others, guessing IMRM will again have the perfect solution. SISY
hums in thought a moment, and snaps his fingers in
revelation.

“I got it. Look at the pictures. Only
some of them are manly and cool!” SISY says with a grin. The other
three look down, and realize that SISY is more-or-less
right.

On the tiles there are various
depictions of people fighting, having sex, drinking, breaking the
law, doing drugs, not caring about other’s opinions, and other
things that are probably considered pretty manly. On even more
tiles, however, are opposing depictions of people sharing, flowers,
adorable puppies, logical discussion, patience, properly-directed
expression of one’s emotions, and other things that simply are not
seen as very manly at all. The group takes a quick moment to
exchange glances, and then they cross.

UDGD leaps forward first with HTO in
tow, the others following his pattern to a t.

UDGD leaps first on the depiction of a
man tearing off another man’s penis...

Then the one of a dude on fire punching
people in the face...

Then the one of an infant baby punching
out of his mother’s stomach...

Then the one of a skeleton wailing on a
sweet guitar in hell...

Then the one of a man masturbating out
knives into the skull of an alligator...

Then the one of a rattlesnake with
beefy arms devouring the heart of an eagle...

Then the one of a dude having sex with
a million girls who are also skeletons all at once while
exploding...

Then the one of a guy sprouting swords
for wings and blasting people’s heads off with his manly-power
laser beams while on fire and exploding... And then he reaches the
end.

The group follows closely, even Mr.
Honkers after he accidentally missed his jump and landed on the
tile depicting a calm, responsibly-executed democratic summit
between kittens. Suddenly a spear jabs down from the ceiling
directly above Mr. Honkers, set to put a large hole in the skull of
any who does not heed the ways of manliness. However it is to much
fortune for Mr. Honkers, and to much disappointment to readers who
dislike him, (shame on you, Reader!) that he is too short to have
his skull penetrated by the metal spear. That said, Mr. Honkers
gets to the other side completely unharmed, with the exception of
his afro, which has been divided in the center just a bit with the
spear run-in. SISY snickers at the sight.

“Laugh it up, scrub. Anything looks
good on me,” Mr. Honkers says with a shrug. SISY nods.

“You bet,” is all SISY has to say on
the matter.

The group continues on through the
tunnel, passing primitive depictions of great battles, men growing
extra beefy arms, and even a depiction of a really intense dude
drinking a goblet of blood while masturbating to a pile of burning
corpses. SISY’s eyes sparkle with manly admiration as he stares at
all of the unquestionably-badass and cool images.

“THESE GUYS MUST BE THE MANLIEST EVER!”
SISY exclaims with a violent convulsion. UDGD says nothing, but
gives SISY a manly “glance of approval” at his words.

“Yeah, but they’re also scrubs. None of
them have afros,” Mr. Honkers astutely points out, his opinion
being that only the manliest of people can bear the ultimate
hairstyle. SISY chuckles.

“Right, because they definitely don’t
look stupid.”

“Of course I’m right. It’s not like
I’ve ever been wrong before.”

“Riiight, because you definitely set
off that trap behind us on purpose.”

“Shut up, buttscrub. We all know that
was your invisible weight displacement,” replies Mr. Honkers,
finishing their conversation and giving SISY an altogether
satisfied look.

The group moves along, passing the
various other paths to other places of the underground keep,
because UDGD knows well that the most important things have to be
at the center of everything and lead in by the most obvious of
paths. They move all the way to the end of the hallway where they
encounter a large stone door blocking their way.

The door absolutely exudes manliness,
and is made even more so with the addition of the Subspace
Orchestra, rising up a choral score to match the greatness of the
double doors shaped like a fist. They stare in awe a moment of the
doors.

“This it?” UDGD questions, marveling at
the towering doors. SISY begins shaking uncontrollably.

“GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE
GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE GET HYPE-”

“SHUT UP, DWEEB!”

“Dumbass, we heard ya’ the first time,”
Mr. Honkers and UDGD snap in their own respective fashions. The
long-haired swordsman laughs heartily as he scratches the back of
his neck, still trying to get his reckless grin under
control.

“Sorry, friends, I’m just certain
this’ll be my-” SISY takes a tremendous inhale, “BEST FIGHT
YE-”

“BUTTHOLE, SHUT UP- NOW THEY DEF KNOW
WE’RE HERE!”

“Holy shit, Swordsman ramp up
th’enthusiasm. Can’t fucking hear you,” Mr. Honkers and UDGD
respond again, one being as crass as usual and the other resulting
to biting sarcasm. SISY sighs.

“Fine fine. Can I at least yell during
the fight?”

“Only if it’s loud enough t’ make our
heads explode,” UDGD says. SISY grins and nods
violently.

“OKA- I mean, okay,” he responds,
completely missing UDGD’s sarcasm. Mr. Honkers and UDGD shake their
heads about lightly, both reminded that SISY’s not exactly the best
when it comes to social cues, and decide to move on.

“Right. So this should be th’ door t’
th’ fountain, right?”

“I guess. If DTO were awake we could
just ask him,” SISY notes as he nods his head to the side a bit.
Upon hearing this, UDGD feels a slight twitch from HTO- he’s awake.
He takes a sharp breath, and opens his eyes. HTO looks about
quickly, and then realizes that he’s in UDGD’s arms. For a short
moment he begins reaching for his rapier, but then asks himself why
he is alive. Just as quickly as he raises his guard, he lowers it.
UDGD brutishly drops him on the floor.