Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (32 page)

“HOLY FUCK. A DICK ON THIS ONE, EH?
WELL GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, BITCH? I’M GOING TO TEAR IT OFF AND MAKE
YOU EAT IT! YOU EDGY LITTLE CUNT,” the great creature says, passing
judgment upon UDGD. The Manly Graveman rolls his eyes. He decides
that guy is obviously pretty badass, but he’s also super
annoying.

“Wow, you’re a cool-ass dude,” he says
with complete-non-honesty. The great beast man grins more, spewing
out more blood, and rolls his eyes so high up into his skull that
the tendons are ripped and he blinds himself. Mr. Honkers scoffs,
and is about to rebuttal, but instead the great beast just laughs
with pleasure.

“OH FUCK. PAIN FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD I
CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF IT!” the beast rages as he tears out his eyes
and swallows them. The joyous, tan-skinned SISY brandishes his
weapon so low, and with a smile so large, it almost seems
friendly.

“WHOA ME TOO!” SISY yells with passion.
The beast grins even more, letting out more blood; by this time his
mouth tendons have torn out of his cheeks, and are now up to his
blinded eyes.

“GOOD, NICE TO SEE GARBAGE LIKE YOU
HAVE EVEN A SLIGHTLY-MANLY PASSION. MAYBE I’LL LET YOU LIVE AND YOU
CAN BE MY ASS-SLAVE!” the beast says, seriously considering the
idea because that’s obviously a super-manly thing to do. SISY
laughs.

“I DON’T THINK SO, YOU BASTARD! DEATH
OF EITHER OF US IS THE ONLY PATH THIS WILL TAKE!... B-besides, I’m
not gay,” The Great-Swordsman SISY proclaims. The beast
shrugs.

“YEAH WHATEVER. I PREFER SHOVING MY
DICK INTO SOLID ROCK ANYWAY,” he replies with complete
indifference. HTO, having been silent for a while now, only has an
expression of shock on his face, completely terrified that anyone
would even discuss such things.

Mr. Honkers finishes adjusting his
device, and calmly puts it in one of his side-pockets- he gets it
now.

“So, are y’done tellin’ us how stupid
you are, or would ya’ like t’go on?” UDGD says, with a bored scowl,
masking his fear. The great beast laughs, spewing forth gallons of
blood.

“I WOULD LIKE TO REMEMBER YOUR NAMES.
YOU SEEM SLIGHTLY STRONGER THAN MY LAST OPPONENT, ONE I FOUGHT FOUR
HUNDRED YEARS AGO,” the great beast man says as his flaming nipples
explode with anticipation for the battle. UDGD sighs, and begins
the required introduction.

“They call me Ultra Death Graveman
Death Death Death. I have three deaths in my name
becau-”

“WOW I DON’T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT. WHAT
ARE YOU, SEVEN? YOU EDGY LITTLE GURD,” the beast asks, using a
racial-term spoken in this sub-space zone to offend those with skin
darker than the average, middle-tanned body that SISY has. SISY
grins at UDGD, wondering how he’ll take it. It is a shame for SISY
and the beast then, that UDGD has never heard this word, and even
if he did, probably wouldn’t get angry over it.

“The fuck you say?” UDGD spits. The
beast chews off his left pinky finger in chaotic
excitement.

“HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE TOO MUCH. YOU’RE A
GURD. YOU HEAR THAT, GURDY?”

“Yeah, cool guy confirmed. Shut up and
fight us,” UDGD challenge. The great beast grins even wider, now
reaching his forehead.

“AS YOU WISH, WEAKLING, BUT FIRST, MY
NAME.”

“Yeah, fine.”

“I AM THE ONE WHO ALL GODS TURN THEIR
FACE FROM IN FEAR. I AM THE LEGENDARY SLAYER OF THE GREATEST
OVERLORD, CHAOS, IN THE GREATEST BATTLE IN OMNIVERSE HISTORY. I AM
THE LOVER OF A BILLION W- UM, MEN! I AM THE MANLIEST CREATURE IN
EXISTENCE, THE HUMANITY OF ALL LIFE. THE ARBITER OF-”

“Shit, your name, not your lullaby,”
UDGD interrupts coldly. HTO chuckles and SISY laughs at the
comeback. The great beast spews blood and fire from his
nostrils.

“I’LL BE SURE TO REND YOUR ANUS APART
FIRST,” the beast says to UDGD, revealing that he was quite
offended by the comment.

A ridged grin forms across UDGD’s face
as the creature inhales deeply to speak its name. The Graveman’s
fear of facing this creature, supposedly the manliest being in
existence, dissipates as he realizes that this creature has a huge,
delicate ego; it is UDGD’s personal opinion that nothing about a
man should be delicate unless he himself is dealing with things
that are delicate and require care. This fight will be hard, of
course, but UDGD feels an almost supernatural peace flow into him;
he knows that with the four men around him, he can move any
mountainous fool that sets itself against them. He realizes he was
wrong before and that a man’s greatest strength does not always
have to be his own, but the relationships that he owns. He
remembers that he used to believe in that once, and now he feels
that youthful spark in him again.

Just as the creature proclaims his
great name, the blackened, angry heart of the Grim Executioner
feels slightly less charred.

“I AM CALLED ULTIMATE BADASS ULTIMATE
MAN DEATH DOOM DESTRUCTION ULTIMATE ULTIMATE XTREME ULTIMATE XTREME
FOREVER DEATH HELLFIRE DEATH DOOM DESOLATION ULTIMA: BLACK BLOOD
GOD PUNCH DOOM REQUIEM! THERE’S SIX ULTIMATES BECAUSE I’M SIX TIMES
GREATER THAN ANY OTHER BEING IN EXISTENCE!” the Greatest of
Beast-men calls as he tears off his left arm to use as a
weapon.

ENGAGE!

The Manliest (to be called “Ultimate”
until further notice) throws down his arm-club, weighting at least
a ton, down at the five in a blindingly-fast motion. The group
disperses with the same speed, leaping to the sides; everyone
except Mr. Honkers, who actually is still at the edge of the steps,
just “chillin’ it real”. Ultimate advances with a devastating stomp
at the group that split up to the left side, consisting of UDGD and
IMRM. The two dodge with ease, and follow up to strike his leg.
UDGD’s axe and IMRM’s scythe brashly smash into Ultimate’s calf,
spewing out more blood and pure manliness. Ultimate laughs and
draws back with his club, sweeping across to the duo as the other
two attack from behind. IMRM, incredibly agile, dodges by leaping
high into the air, UDGD on the other hand isn’t quite so fast. The
arm club smashes him and sends him flying off of the fountain’s
highest level, into the far-off wall of the dome-like room, and
down about fifty feet into the lowest pool of the
fountain.

The Grim Axeman regains himself as a
sharp, searing pain overcomes his senses. As his armor fills up
with the testosterone, his body contorts in agony. Everything is in
pain, as if it’s burning, but somehow growing and gaining value at
the same time. His muscles feel infiltrated by this burning
testosterone, as if it is seeping inside of him, attempting to make
him as strong as his foe. He considers staying in and waiting, but
realizes that at the moment, he actually cares about the lives of
the other people fighting him.

UDGD pulls himself out from the
fountain, and hears anew the sounds of battle above. He shakes off
the feeling of pain, and rushes up the steps again. Back at the
top, he passes Honks, who is watching observantly with a confident
grin.

“Y’gonna’ help?” UDGD asks as he passes
the Afroed Wonder. Mr. Honkers looks at UDGD like he’s an
idiot.

“No, I’m just going to sit here the
whole time, you noob,” he says, using sarcasm, though UDGD takes it
completely seriously.

“Cool,” UDGD also says sarcastically,
though Mr. Honkers understands it perfectly. All he does is chuckle
condescendingly as UDGD rushes past and back into the
fray.

HTO is lying on the edge of the floor,
blood welling out of his mouth, as IMRM and SISY continue the
fight. UDGD rushes in with wide, adrenaline-infected eyes, readying
a strike, as he joins the other two in tandem. Ultimate is now
catastrophically-wounded, without an arm, blind, and with about
twenty large lacerations, some obviously into major arteries. The
three leap forward at The Beast’s left knee, throwing down their
weapons with vicious strength. Ultimate, dazed from the shock and
loss of blood, is too slow to stop them. Like lumberjacks downing a
tree they hate more than anything, the three throw chopping motions
into the leg again and again, cutting through the muscles, veins,
and hamstring in only a few seconds. The leg comes off, and the
three are drenched with a torrent of blood and fiery testosterone,
igniting as it is exposed to air.

SISY laughs with a liberated grin as he
is splashed with the intense, burning pain. UDGD braces for the
shock, and gets over the hurt more easily this time. IMRM just
stays in stance, as if he wasn’t even covered.

Ultimate tumbles onto his side as his
departed leg falls with him.

“HA, NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY IMPRESSIVE, AND
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO A REAL FIGHT,” he says with just as much
fervor and confidence as when he first spoke to them.

“Bury this fucker!” UDGD says with grim
judgment. SISY is thrilled to hear this, and wails his blade into
Ultimate’s chest with UDGD, smashing, slashing, and slicing with
increasing speed. IMRM waits a moment, wondering if these two men
will spare this misguided fool, and then decides that they
certainly won’t and that he might as well help them out. IMRM leaps
over the enormous Ultimate to his neck and puts the blade of the
scythe in where his brain-stem should be located. IMRM withdraws,
and sheathes his scythe, as he has never met a single creature that
could fight after having their body disconnected from their mind.
IMRM walks around, and addresses the other two.

“I’ve disconnected his brain. He should
die very soon… unless you would like me to try and undo the
process,” IMRM says calmly. UDGD stops, but SISY does not. The
Graveman rests his axe on his shoulder and watches with IMRM as
SISY tears through the ribcage and leans in to get the
heart.

“ALMOST THERE!” SISY yells with an
unnerving mania as he tries to grasp the heart and tear it from
Ultimate’s chest.

“NOT EVEN CLOSE!” Ultimate yells with a
grin as he punches SISY aside. IMRM jolts in shock, and redraws his
scythe. UDGD looks over to IMRM, gives him a “what the hell?” look,
and walks up to finish the job. Ultimate pushes back with his right
arm, and falls back into the fountain pool.

“The fuck?” UDGD spits out as he
approaches the large pool. Only a few seconds pass as SISY returns
to the upper pool, HTO begins to get up off the ground, and
Ultimate rises again.

“READY FOR ROUND TWO,
MOTHAFUCKAAAAAS?!” Ultimate screams as his testosterone-coated body
explodes in regenerative vitality. Suddenly, his body begins
regrowing, except manlier. His missing left leg, his two eyes, the
wounds around his mouth, his left arm, his various other injuries,
all regenerate in the form of beefy arms.

The Reader might ask at this point just
why the Fountain of Testosterone regenerates injuries into the form
of huge beefy arms.

LECTURE-GAGE!

To that, the author would remind the
Reader that masters of testosterone can regenerate limbs and wounds
using the stuff and shape them into the form of other limbs. Of
course, if anyone becomes a master of testosterone, the only real
thing they would want to have more of would be beefy arms... or
maybe penises - that’s also a thing some manly dudes like having
more of; though they’d obviously be less-good at killing things
than beefy arms, well, I’m sure some other Narrators would
disagree, but I really don’t see the appeal of killing someone
by-.

*Ehem*

Right, sorry about that, Reader. You
know well by now I have a tendency to go on a bit about things that
really aren’t all that important to the story, but still nice to
know. Do forgive me. Now then:

The remade Master of Arms raises all of
his manly fighting appendages, now numbering about fifteen, up to
fight.

“What the fuck. This guy’s wounds’re
gone,” UDGD says with a loch-deep frown as he inspects all the
angles Ultimate can now attack at.

“YOU FUCKIN’ BET. YOU BITCHES READY TO
GIVE UP AND DIE? IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I’VE TASTED THE FLESH
OF WEAKLINGS!” he yells with limitless ego. UDGD nods, as if he
actually cares about what this guy has to say.

“Not really. Hell’s stoppin’ us from
jumping in the fountain too?”

“ONLY YOURSELF. YOUR INTOLERANCE TO
PAIN IS WHAT TRULY DEPARTS US. ALONG WITH OVER A THOUSAND YEARS OF
TRAINING, AND HAVING THE LARGEST PENIS IN THE OMNIVERSE, AND BEING
ABLE TO HAVE HALF OF MY BODY TORN OFF AND STILL BE IN FIGHTING
SHAPE, AND BEING ABLE TO-”

“Well that’s all damn cute. Yo,
SISY.”

“YEAH?!” the Swordsman
Responds.

“Y’could totally jump in that fountain
and kick his ass, right?”

“I think that would not be an effective
strategy,” IMRM says with his scythe poised at his foe’s
arms.

“Well, seein’ you know everythin’ why
don’cha let us in on your little secret? Why won’t it work?” UDGD
says, keeping a careful eye on Ultimate, who is standing stationary
in the fountain; only humoring their conversation.

“This creature we are fighting spent,
from what I gather, at least a millennium inside the fountain to
gain such control over the substance. I think SISY would not
benefit from it soon enough for it to make a noticeable difference
in his combat-based performa-”

“Normal-person speak, please,” UDGD
interrupts. HTO finally makes his way to the rest of the
group.