Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (29 page)

“Phillip... Don’t do it,” IMRM says now
that the others are out of ear-shot. There is another short pause.
The Subspace Orchestra takes note with a dramatic ambient score.
Both do their best to ignore it.

“Ace, I have to. Let me.”

“Is there any way I could stop
you?”

“... You’d have to kill me.”

“... I see,” IMRM says simply. The two
stare at one another for a moment more, and then IMRM turns away,
pulling his hood over his dark, partially-shattered head. DTO
watches him leave, takes a deep breath, and starts off in UDGD’s
direction.

The overgrown ruins crowded with
monuments of fists punching most every animal imaginable creates a
sizable maze of sorts. As DTO finds his way through the rubble of
an ancient city, he too attempts to find the motivation to not kill
UDGD. As strange a person as IMRM is, there’s a part to him that
DTO wants to please, a rare thing in the heart of a man that
respects few others. However, IMRM and the past few days have not
convinced DTO that he should forgive a self-centered, thieving
murderer who spares not a thought for anyone else. He decides to
ignore any compassion, and engage in the act of revenge. DTO’s mind
is made up the moment he hears the cool, calculated breath of UDGD,
just around the corner from him. DTO wonders now how he should go
about doing it.

He could rush him, rapier drawn, and
get it over with quickly. He could wait in a corner for him to come
close, maximizing the chance that he’ll get the first hit. Perhaps
he could throw a stone aside and draw his attention elsewhere while
he creeps up. DTO thinks on it, and for some reason, these
cowardly, smarter acts feel inappropriate. He wants so much to kill
UDGD on his own merit, to destroy the object of his hate on his own
playing field. Yes, that’s it. It would be meaningless if he were
to just kill him, he needs the true satisfaction.

DTO steps outright in front of the Grim
Axeman. UDGD was already facing his direction, having sensed
something nearby. His expression turns from alert to discontent as
he realizes that it’s not an enemy in front of him, just
DTO.

“Hey, you c’n search over there, I
think I’ve got this part pretty well combed-over,” UDGD says as he
continues shifting about the ground a bit in the search of
something secret. DTO just stands there, breathing heavily. UDGD,
seeing that his companion is not moving away, looks back up to him.
“Hey, I said you c’n g-” UDGD halts his sentence as DTO abruptly
pulls off his deep hood, revealing his head and his identity. HT’s
blonde, thick head of hair shines in the sun, his cowlick springing
to attention in defiance. His brown eyes display intense fear as
his pupils shake wildly. His breath, viciously heavy, betrays his
high heart rate.

UDGD stares at him for a moment more,
and reaches up for his axe as he gets up.

“Don’t be a dumbass, kid. I know I did
you wrong on that job, but getting even isn’t worth a life,” UDGD
says calmly, resting his hand on the hilt of his giant cleaving
weapon. HTO stares with a rabid disfocus for a moment, and then
spits at UDGD’s feet.

“Fuck yes it’s worth your life! Do you
have any idea how hard my life’s been these past few months? Do you
know what it’s like to be kicked out of your own home by your dad?
Do you know what it’s like to eat shitty noodles and rice every day
for the past half year because you’re broke?! Do you have any idea
what it’s like to be totally and completely fucking alone without a
single thing to live for?” HTO spits out with teeth fully bared.
UDGD looks at HT, and for just a moment, sees a younger version of
himself; he also sees what he’d call a “little bitch”. He
sighs.

“Y’little bitch, talkin’ like you know
life. What are you, 18?”

“I’M TWENTY FOUR, YOU DIRTY MOTHER
FUC-”

“Cool, twenty four. Let m’give ya’ some
advice, a free gift from someone eleven years older th’n
ya’.”

“I DON-”

“Listen up, kid. People’ll screw you
over, but it ain’t worth spillin’ blood for. There’s happiness
outside’f wealth, n’ one day, if ya’ live that long,
you’ll-”

“NO! NO! I’M NOT TAKING ADVICE FROM
SOMEONE WHO STOLE FROM ME. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING
HAPPY ANYWAY?! YOU’RE MISERABLE!” HTO interrupts, his grip shaking.
UDGD is silent a moment as he considers his response.

“Yeah, I am. I guess I can’t really
talk about that from how you saw it. Look, I really needed the
money.”

“FOR WHAT?! YOUR SWIMMING POOL?
PROSTITUTES?! DRUGS?”

“No, listen-”

“I’M DONE. I’M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT!...
I... You’re right about one thing. I don’t know what it means to be
happy yet, but once I see your corpse lying before me, I will!
ENGARDE, YOU BASTARD!” HTO shouts, rushing forth with his sword
drawn. UDGD inhales sharply.

ENGAGE!

HT thrusts forward with a straight
stronger and manlier than any he has delivered. UDGD draws his axe
and pulls it up just in time to intercept the hilt into the tip of
HT’s rapier. HTO draws back and thrusts forward again and again
each time with increasing speed.

UDGD wears heavy armor around all of
his body with the exception of his head, which is bare. HTO just
needs to graze him once at the right place to finish the
fight.

UDGD blocks and dodges with intense
focus, completely silent in his movements until HTO makes his first
reckless strike. UDGD sweeps his hilt across with the axe blade in
his other hand, knocking the rapier to the side just enough to open
HT’s face. The Axeman abruptly sends his armored fist into HT’s
face, knocking off his guard and crushing his nose. UDGD follows up
with a grasp to the rapier’s hilt, and throwing it aside as HTO
recovers in the same moment. UDGD shoves his hilt into HT’s face,
the rigid end into the side of the head, providing a cracking sound
as HTO is knocked over on the ground. HTO makes a quick effort to
reach for his rapier, but not before UDGD continues his assault
with a boot to his teeth, effectively knocking out several of them.
HTO reels from the trauma as UDGD sends his boot into his head
again and again, cutting the young man’s face and scalp against the
metal. With one last strike, HTO has his consciousness finally
beaten out of him, rendering him helpless to UDGD’s
will.

VICTORY!

UDGD stares at the downed,
blood-covered HTO and feels pity; however, his goals are too
important to let others screw it up for him. He’s going to kill
him. Regardless of this boy’s deal, it’s not enough to let him
live. The painted warrior looks about, sighs, and raises his
axe.

“Sorry, kid,” is all he says. UDGD
throws the axe down at HT’s neck, waiting for the unnerving
splattering sound of the young man’s blood covering his
axe.

“Klish” is the sound he hears instead,
like the breaking of glass rather than the breaking of nerves. UDGD
looks down in surprise, seeing his axe just barely hovering over
HT’s neck. It seems as though his axe has split through some sort
of invisible fabric, because there’s a strange distortion around
his axe. Part of the blade simply disappeared inside this space, as
if it were behind some illusion. UDGD pulls out his axe and looks
around. The Axeman of Doom can take a fair guess as to who is
behind this.

“Robo, you there?” UDGD asks in a
breath. There is a short pause.

“Very astute of you. How did you
guess?” a voice says from behind the invisible veil.

“Who else could pull shit this
weird?”

“I presume by this you mean my seeming
invisibility?”

“Duh, yeah. And I guess you’re gonna’
tell me to let him live?”

“... That would be a preferable
outcome.”

“Cool, but it ain’t gonna’ happen. He’s
a dead man, Robo. He’s a guy I know from before this all happened.
He’s just been disguised to wait for the right time.”

“I’m aware of this.”

“Yeah? So why didn’t you tell
me?”

“I thought it would be damaging to our
overall teamwork-dynamic and morale if one or more of the group
members were aware of-”

“Ya’ know what, I don’t care. Step
aside.”

“... So you are beyond reasoning
then?”

“Yeah, I’d say that.”

“... I see. Then how about this: If you
do not desist I will again engage you in battle.”

“Is that supposed to be a
threat?”

“ ‘Tactical persuasion’ would be the
term I would use.”

“Yeah; a threat then. Ya’ think I’m so
weak as t’back down to a threat?” UDGD asks as he raises his axe
back up to swinging height. IMRM thinks for a moment.

“On the contrary. I believe you are too
weak to give in to a threat,” the unseeable man accuses. UDGD’s
eyes widen into indignant disgust and confusion.

“What?”

“True strength is not measured by the
size of the mountains one moves, but the reason for the moving them
in the first place.”

“The fuck are you talking
about?”

“Mr. Axeman, conceding to a threat is
not always a sign of weakness, but instead a declaration of having
one’s priorities in the right place. Mr. Phillip here does not need
to die. You can forgive him for attempting to kill you. He will not
know that I stayed your hand, and for that reason he will be
indebted to you. You can spare him, and gain a friend, Mr. Axeman.
You will still have killed your enemy, Mr. Axeman, because your
enemy will now be your friend.”

“Shit, just call me Rick, alright? And
you’re wrong.”

“You may call me Ace; and am
I?”

“Yeah. Have you seen those eyes of his?
He’s dead set to kill me. There’s no way.”

“I would be inclined to disagree.
People can be changed more easily than you think, it
seems.”

“Yeah? By manipulating
them?”

“This is not manipulation. While I may
provide ample reason for them to agree to my plans, the choice is
still up to them.”

“I don’t care what you think. There’s
nothing wrong with protecting your interests.”

“There is if it comes to contest the
interests of humanity as a whole. Don’t you think?”

“What?”

“The survival and progress of
humanity.”

“What? This is progress! Survival of
the fittest, right?”

“In some cases that does apply, but
human beings are gifted with compassion, a trait that beasts lack.
The use of it is what makes much of human society
successful.”

“Fuck compassion. I was never shown
any!”

“Was it not compassion that I did not
murder you when you threw an axe to my head?”

“I-”

“Was it not compassion that I kept your
attempt at murder a secret, both times? Most of the scars on my
body are from by you, yet I have not left a single mark on
you.”

“Damn, okay. I guess you have a point.
But I’m telling you Heart Tearer Outer here won’t give
up.”

“It is certainly worth waiting to find
out,” IMRM says as he suddenly appears, body poised over the
defenseless Phillip. UDGD’s scowl weakens as IMRM picks up DTO.
“Right then, follow me,” IMRM requests as he walks with UDGD
through a couple of archways and past a few moss-covered beefy arm
statues to what looks like the center of an circular amphitheater.
IMRM places HTO on the ground carefully, resting his head against a
tuft of soft grass, and then speaks.

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: THE PATH TO THE
FOUNTAIN (AKA: BUBBLING LITTLE SISSIES THAT CAN’T EVEN MAKE GOOD
TRAPS... NOT THAT A MAN WOULD SET A TRAP OR ANYTHING, THAT’S SUPER
NOT-MANLY!)

“Alright. We might as well go ahead and
open the way. The sound of its revealing should alert the other
two,” IMRM says in his usual tone, as if he were in complete
control. UDGD looks at the tall man with a hint of humor, as if he
were some sort of magician.

“Yeah, and jus’ where would we find
this entrance?” he asks, arms crossed.

“I took the liberty of locating it
while keeping an eye on you and Mr. Phillip. I believe that the
access panel to activate the opening mechanism is directly below
your feet. I also suspect it is set with a trap to dispose of
infiltrators,” IMRM explains. UDGD keeps his expression cold, but
inside is in awe; how does he know?

“Yeah?” UDGD questions
bluntly.

“Yes,” the darker, taller one responds.
UDGD stomps on the ground, and feels that the dirt under his boot
is thinner than it should be.

“Yeah,” UDGD responds in turn,
realizing that IMRM was correct in his claims. The Dark Axeman gets
on knee, scrapes aside the grass and dirt to find a small stone
plate. UDGD scoffs at the surprisingly-obvious appearance of the
plate, and moves to the side as he pulls it off. In the blink of an
eye a bloody stone fist, about the size of a human’s head, smashes
from out bellow, missing UDGD’s face only because of his previous
precaution of moving out of the way. The Grim Axeman shakes his
head, disappointed at the thought of people actually dying to
something so lame.

“Stupid,” he mutters softly as the trap
lowers itself and resets to its readied position, prepared to
spring again should the stone plate be replaced and removed. UDGD
peers down into the opening, only an arm’s length in depth, and
inspects what’s inside.