Wrong Girl (8 page)

I
hoped my anxiety would decrease after the abortion but it didn’t. It only seemed
to get worse and it started to consume my whole being. Every single day I had
to deal with more panic attacks and horrendous flashbacks, I felt like I was
trapped in this endless, miserable cycle of my grief. I couldn’t open up to anyone
about what I was going through and the baby I was grieving for night and day. The
majority of people in my life didn’t even know about it and I was also aware
that a lot of people would be extremely judgemental about my decision. I knew
they would inevitably question why I was grieving the loss of my unborn baby
when I chose to end the pregnancy in the first place.

My
anxiety is still a problem, like I said to Rachel it now seems to have switched
its focus. I’m always preoccupied with concerns about my health and I’ve
visited the doctor’s surgery so many times this past year. I’ll go with trivial
symptoms and each time they reassure me that there’s nothing physically wrong
with me. I believe them for a little while and then the anxiety will start up
again.

Jason’s
such an amazing friend, he’s the one who accompanies me to the doctor’s every
time I need to go. He knows all about my termination and we’ve spent so many
hours discussing what happened. He constantly assures me that it wasn’t my
fault, he holds me when I get distraught and he’s my punching bag when my anger
becomes too much for me to handle. The only reason he wasn’t there for me when
I found out I was pregnant is because he was abroad with his family at the
time, they were gone for six months and it was torture going through all of
that without him. He was so distraught when he came home and I told him
everything that happened. He hated the thought of me going through all of that
by myself and wanted to kill Paul for the way he had treated me.

Jason
was also the one person besides Rachel who supported me when Paul died one year
later. For months I tormented myself with guilt. For a time I really did blame
myself, I forced myself to carry the unbelievable burden of all that guilt. I
truly believed that it was my fault for keeping the abortion from Paul, I
convinced myself he’d still be alive if it weren’t for me. My own mother frequently
tells me that I’m partly responsible for Paul’s death and if you repeatedly
hear something over and over again, you do eventually start to believe it.

Losing
the baby caused all of my unresolved grief and heartache surrounding my
father’s death to resurface. I felt like I was not only mourning the death of a
parent, I was mourning the death of my child as well. I was drowning,
suffocating and smothered by my own anxiety and dark thoughts, all of placed so
many limitations on my life. I was trapped, living with a mother I couldn’t stand
and a sister whose mere presence made me feel inferior.

I
had a couple of jobs after I finished college but I’m still not really certain
about what it is I want to do. I got my childcare qualification and currently
work part time in a nursery with children under four. I love them and they
bring me so much joy but I’m not sure it’s something I would like to do
forever.

When
I turned eighteen I was entitled to claim the inheritance my father had left
for me before he died. He was a very smart man and made his will as soon as his
third and final child was born. He left all of his children the same amount of
money and I was glad he chose to treat the three of us equally. Everyone knew that
my relationship with my father was remarkably special and unique but he would
never admit to loving any of his children more than the other. Every night
before I went to sleep he would tell me that he could never love anyone more
than he loved me and I suppose that was his way of telling me he loved me the
most. It was my dad’s money that allowed me to buy the apartment I live in now.
I’m so grateful to him for being so generous and caring for me like no one else
did. I love how close I feel to him whenever I’m at home, living in the place
he bought for me. His final gift.

A
loud knock on the door drags me back to the present. I leap off the sofa and
hurry over to the door. I need my friend’s company more than ever and I’ve been
looking forward to spending the evening with my best friend all day.

“What’s
wrong?” Jason asks as soon as I open the door.

“Nothing’s
wrong. I’m fine.” I assure him, smiling brightly.

“No,
you’re not. Tell me the truth.” He pushes me to the side so he can get past and
places a handful of DVD’s down on the coffee table.

“It’s
just been one of those days. I’ll be alright now that you’re here.” I say
cheerfully.

“Aw,
that’s sweet. Come here.” He holds his arms out for me and I gladly reciprocate
his warm embrace.

We
spend the rest of the night curled up on the sofa. We order a Chinese and decide
on watching Braveheart. We must have seen it ten thousand times but we still
enjoy it. The music is spectacular and no matter how many times I hear it, it
still gives me chills.

“Would
you kill for the woman you loved?” I murmured sleepily, referring to the film’s
main storyline.

“I’d
kill for you.” Jason replied, turning to face me with a big grin on his face.

I
was sprawled out on the sofa with my legs across his lap. I know some people
might think there’s something going on between Jason and I but neither one of
us has ever felt that way about one another. Don’t get me wrong, Jason is
really handsome and any girl would be lucky to have him. He has dark hair and
blue eyes which makes an exotic and unusual combination. He’s olive skinned, he
looks like he spends his life outside and he’s tall. Women love him and would
give anything for a tiny piece of his attention. I can appreciate all of these
things even though I’ve never felt that way myself. He’s like a brother to me
and I know he sees me in the same way.

Andrew,
my actual brother is now away at University, he barely knows I exist and it’s
been that way for as long as I can remember. He tends to do his own thing and
he’s also got a really close relationship with mum. He’s the only boy and he’s also
the youngest. He received a great deal of her attention over the years and I
suppose her blatant favouritism caused a rift between us.

“Is
that your way of saying that you love me?” I joke, gently nudging Jason.

“Yep.
Always have, always will.” He grins and throws a prawn cracker at me before all
of his attention and focus moves back onto the film.

We’re
both so tired we don’t even finish the movie. Jason yawns and stands up,
walking across the living room.

“Where
are you going? The movie’s not even finished.” I complain.

“Duty
calls.” He answers over his shoulder, making his way into the bathroom.

I
stop the film, knowing I really need to go to bed before exhaustion takes over
and I fall asleep on the couch. I’m seconds away from sleep when the sound of
my phone startles me across the room. It’s still in my handbag and I’d probably
just ignore if it wasn’t so late. The fact that its after midnight is enough to
arouse my curiosity and I pad across the living room with one eye open,
mindlessly digging around inside my handbag for my phone. It’s probably a
goodnight text from Rachel wanting to let me know how she got on with meeting
Zack’s parents tonight. I’m not at all worried because she had no reason to be
nervous. It’s impossible not to like Rachel, she’s utterly perfect.

I
stare at my phone for several seconds. It says I have one unread message from
Zack. What the…? I’m just about to open the text when Jason enters the room.

“I’ve
got to go before I fall asleep standing up.” He chuckles, grabbing his front
door key off the table.

I
consider telling him about what I just saw on my phone but quickly reconsider.
The last thing I want is Jason teasing me about Zack. I don’t even know if
that’s what I saw, it wouldn’t surprise me if I imagine his name on my phone’s
screen. He’s consumed most of my thoughts for the past twenty-four hours, I
could be overwrought and it might have been exhaustion that made me think I saw
his name just now.

 No,
that’s ridiculous. How could I imagine his name? I saw it right in front of me
and it said I had one unread message from Zack. I think back, remembering the
short time he had my phone when we were waiting for Rachel in the car. Did he
put his number in my phone then? Did he even have the time? If he did,
why
would
he do that? The next couple of minutes seem to go on forever as I wait for
Jason to leave. I’m desperate to check my phone and make sure I wasn’t
mistaken.

“Are
you sure you’re ok? You don’t seem like yourself.” Jason asks, leaning against
the doorframe on his way out.

“I’m
just exhausted, I got up really early to go and meet Rachel.” I explain, hoping
I’ll somehow manage to fool him.

“Ok,
you know where I am if you need me. I know that… I mean, I remember this time
of year and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.” He says softly, lowering
his gaze to the floor.

“I
have no idea what I’d do without you.” I stand on my tip toes and kiss his
cheek, ruffling his hair in a playful manner.

“You
won’t ever have to find out.” He winks at me before making his way down the
corridor to his own apartment.

As
soon as he’s gone, I race back into the living room and reach for my phone
which I hid down the side of the sofa. I grab it and stare at the screen,
blinking several times. I can’t believe I was right. It
does
say that I
have one unread message from him. My fingers tremble, debating whether I should
read it now or wait a little longer. I have absolutely no idea what it might
say.

 I
take a seat and focus on my breathing. I take a few deep breaths, trying to
rationalise the crazy thoughts swirling through my mind. I’m probably getting
all worked up over nothing, it won’t be what I think it is. Zack might have put
his number in my phone for emergencies and his text could actually have been
sent by Rachel. She might have left her phone at home and asked Zack if she
could use his phone. The possibilities are endless but there’s one thing I am
sure about and that’s my desperation to read it. I won’t rest until I know what
it says. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and open the text message.

Zack: I know this
sounds crazy and I know that this makes no sense but I
really
need to
talk to you. Now.

I stare at his
words for several minutes, reading them over and over again. He needs to talk
to me? Why on earth would he send me something like that? I start to consider
the possibility that he might have sent it to the wrong person. Was his message
really meant for me? I suppose there’s only way to find out…

You know who this
is, right? Did you put your number in my phone earlier today? Sam.

His reply is
instantaneous.

Zack: Yes. I’m really
sorry about that. I know I shouldn’t have done it and I want to apologise but
that doesn’t change the fact that I really need to talk to you.

My heart’s beating
rapidly and my whole body is shaking with uncontrollable, incomprehensible
emotions. We really shouldn’t be having this conversation. It’s half pat twelve
at night, shouldn’t Zack be with Rachel right now? I can’t help but speculate
about them and if they’re sleeping apart tonight. I have no right whatsoever to
be so inquisitive but it’s not like I can do anything about it.

What about?

I know my response
is forthright and upfront but I know I have to be cautious, I don’t know if
this is a joke or if it’s even Zack texting me right now. Someone could be playing
a prank on him, one of his friends could be having the time of his life right
now with this joke at my expense.

Zack: I think you
know.

I pause for a
moment whilst considering my next reply.

I really don’t.

Zack: Please, Sam.
Don’t make this any harder on me than it already is. I have to talk to you. Can
I call you right now?

What
the hell am I supposed to say to that? I can hardly say no when he knows I’m on
the other end of the phone. My curiosity is too much for me to handle and if I
refuse it might make him suspicious. If I pretend like this is perfectly normal
than I stand a greater chance of appearing unfazed and unperturbed.

I
send Zack a short text to let him know that I’ll accept his call. My phone
starts to ring within seconds and I swallow nervously in an attempt to compose myself
before I answer.

“Hello?”

“Samantha.”
He sighs heavily. “Thanks so much for not freaking out on me. I know how crazy
this must sound and I realise how late it is.”

“What’s
going on, Zack?” I ask him directly, unwilling to sugar coat my confusion.

“I
don’t even know. I don’t know what to say or where to start. I just wanted… I
guess I wanted to know if you…”

“If
I what?” I prompt him, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice.

“God,
I’m so sorry. This is so fucked up and just plain wrong. I should never have
called you, can we just pretend like this never happened? Ignore everything
I’ve just said, Samantha. Please?” He begged me, sounding agonised by his
request.