Wrestling With Love (29 page)

It was a reasonable question and one Derek had been struggling with for the past couple of weeks. “Honestly, I don’t know. I thought I was so sure before, but now, my feelings are changing.”

Scott’s expression softened. “How did you originally feel? I know you hate it when I get all psychologist on you, but just go with it.”

Derek pursed his lips, but played along. “Back in high school, when you and I first started our relationship, I felt like something in my life had clicked into place. You were everything I had ever dreamed of in a guy and in a boyfriend. You were so confident and cut through all of my barriers without even seeming to break a sweat. Once I let all of my guards down, I was overwhelmed by how much love I felt for you. I believed that wasn’t something which could or should be hidden. I felt like it would dishonor both of us to deny who we were to each other, even if it meant alienation from others.”

“Ok, like I said, that much I already knew. So, how have your feelings changed?”

Scott asked.

“Leading up to our wrestling tournament last year, I’d given a lot of thought to what had caused us to drift so horribly apart. Although I know it was your dad who created the problem, I also acknowledged that I added pressure to the situation and pushed you further away from me by trying to get you to confront your dad. I didn’t understand how much control he exerted over you and Shannon or the impact of his treatment of you on your self-confidence.”

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Wrestling With Love

Scott winced and opened his mouth to speak. Not willing to allow Scott to take responsibility for their split. Derek pushed on, but couldn’t help notice that Scott’s jaw muscles began to ripple with tension. “I know you think you were the one who pushed me away, but that’s beside the point right now. We’re talking about how my feelings have changed.”

Scott relaxed, unclenching his teeth, causing the knotted muscle in his jaw to relax.

“All right, so long as you know I really do believe I was the one who pushed you to become frustrated with me. I needed someone to blame and you were the person closest to me. You know I didn’t really want for us to break—”

“Yes, I know. We’ve gone over it a hundred times. If it makes you happy, then it was all your fault. I can’t believe I’m still dating you.” He stuck his tongue out at Scott eliciting a chuckle from him. “Can I continue now?”

Scott gestured for him to go on. Derek leaned back in his chair. “After we got back together that second day of the tournament, I realized the important thing was that you and I were together and we loved each other. Coming out seemed a far second in comparison.

“At the beginning of this year, we both agreed that as long as we communicated and never forced the other into a situation which would make them uncomfortable, we would be fine. And now, I’m beginning to realize we don’t have to be in the same place at the same time in terms of coming out. That’s a big change for me.”

“Is that the only way your perception of coming out has changed or is there more?”

“Isn’t that enough?”

Scott didn’t respond. Instead, he leaned back in his chair and looked at Derek.

“You know me too well, Scott.”

“I love you and I want you to be happy. When I see things which upset or trouble you, I want to be there to help you figure out what you need to do. So, what else is going on?”

His emotions swelled with pure joy. Just looking at Scott, he felt like nothing in the world could go wrong so long as they were together. “I’m a bit jaded right now and it bothers me. I see how groups on campus keep to themselves. Even us, living here around all of the jocks. It’s worse than high school.”

Derek took a sip from his Coke. “I’m beginning to question if it’s really worthwhile to focus on the coming out issue. I’m pushing for one of two reasons and neither of them reflects well on me. Either it’s something I need in order to feel completely free to love you openly without barriers or it’s because I feel we shouldn’t have to hide who we are to each other just because we both happen to be guys. If it’s the first reason, the question is what’s so important about coming out? I already feel completely free and open with you. If it’s the second reason, the question is why do I care what anyone else thinks? Either way, I’m beginning to see I have no compelling reason for forcing the issue of coming out right now. It makes me question myself and, to be honest, I’m 138

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disappointed I’ve allowed myself to become so obsessed and to once again put pressure on you; just like in high school.”

Scott’s expression radiated understanding and acceptance, washing over Derek and making him feel secure. “Derek, you have nothing to be disappointed in yourself about. You’re amazing. How many times do I have to say it? You’re the most genuine, outgoing, open-hearted person I’ve ever met and I’m so proud you love me and have chosen me as your boyfriend. It hurts to see you punish yourself for something that’s so not a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting for us to be able to express ourselves openly. I want that too. The only problem is that reality is what it is and people aren’t as open-minded about a gay couple as they are about a straight couple. So, let me ask one final question. What do you think it means if we don’t come out openly as boyfriends?”

This was a much easier question for Derek to answer. “Honestly, the most surprising part of all of this is I don’t think it means anything if we don’t come out publicly. It doesn’t change how we feel about each other and that’s all that really matters. Breaking down the walls I’d kept up my whole life seemed like the most important thing, second only to us. Then I became fixated on coming out, getting angry at you for not wanting to and thinking you were somehow ashamed of us by remaining private about our relationship.” He shook his head, thoughts streaming through his mind at a whirring pace. He only slowed down when his vision blurred and tears began to stream down his cheeks. Utterly caught off guard, he glanced around, heat flooding his cheeks as he looked to see if anyone was watching his breakdown.

“Derek, you need to chill out. You’re not living in fear or shame and you’re not putting any pressure on me that I can’t handle.” Scott’s voice was calming, like a warm water in a shower soothing his frayed nerves. “There’s nothing wrong with exercising a bit of your protective guard to avoid the very real consequences we both could face if we were to come out completely. One consequence could be ridicule and alienation which is what we’ve both feared.”

“I think the bigger thing to fear is whether or not we would become figureheads or mascots for a group we don’t necessarily want to represent. I mean look at us. Neither one of us is effeminate. We both are highly athletic, choosing sports and teams as a large part of our identities. There’s nothing terrifically unusual about either one of us. What if we became the poster children for new age gay relationship? Then we’d be an image and people wouldn’t see us as we really are. They would see us as they want to see us and our ultimate goal of being able to be open about who we are to one another would still have eluded us. I believe we’re only really out if we let people know who we are to one another and people actually see us the way we see ourselves. If they see us as something we’re not, what’s the fucking point?”

Once the words came out of his mouth, Derek was surprised at the sheer logic of what he had said. Maybe Scott was right and he was simply placing too much pressure on himself and on Scott to do something he thought was important, when in reality, it had no bearing whatsoever on who they actually were. “Thank you, Scott. I feel better 139

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now that I got this off my chest and know you still stand behind me. I couldn’t handle it if I didn’t have you in my life.”

An odd expression crossed over Scott’s face. It began as a slight crinkling of his eyes and a pursing of his lips, but then the rest of his body became involved in his actions. He reached back with his hand to rub the back of his neck and captured his bottom lip between his teeth as he always did when he was thinking about something important. When he looked at Derek, the raw passion in his eyes was unmistakable. “I don’t fucking believe it!”

“What’s the matter?” Derek’s heart jumped.

The serious expression broke and Scott started laughing. “I can’t believe what I just realized. You and I have just switched places. Maybe not completely, but in essence, you’re advocating for showing more caution and I am beginning to feel more conflicted about having to keep things hidden.”

Derek shook his head, trying to make sense of Scott’s words. “What the hell are you talking about?”

A wide grin crossed Scott’s face. “Just now, listening to you talk about how you’re feeling and watching you beat yourself up, it killed me. All I wanted to do was to hold you, right here, right now, in the middle of the cafeteria, and make sure you knew everything would be okay. That you’re okay and we’re fantastic. But I can’t do it. Not yet, anyway. And that’s something that needs to change.”

His smile broadened and he leaned forward, excitement causing his eyes to light up. “When we live out loud, it should be to show people who we really are, not how they want to see us. My wanting to comfort you. That’s who we are. I mean who we really are. When one of us is upset, the other physically and emotionally supports him. Why should that have to be limited to our bedroom or in private. Hugging, small kisses, holding hands. These aren’t things which should have to be hidden. We shouldn’t have to fucking hold ourselves back from supporting and loving each other the way we want to. Everyone else can go fuck themselves if they care.”

Derek’s mouth fell open, but no sound came out. He couldn’t believe what Scott had just said and he was filled with a jumble of emotions that threatened to expand within his chest and push all of the air out of his lungs. “I—I…Scott, I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you just said all that.”

“You know what? Enough of this shit. If I want to hug you, right now, and I’m damn well going to.” He got out of his seat and started to walk around the table. Derek grabbed his hands, forcing him to sit back down. “Wait, cool it. You’re all riled up and you know you make bad choices when you’re emotional. I have a better idea. I was going to talk to you about this anyways, but now, it’s perfect. On Sunday, when I went home to talk with my mom, she made some good points and I decided to tell my dad about me and us. I told her I wanted to talk to you about it first since it involves you, but I want to do it. I want to tell him this weekend.”

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Wrestling With Love

Derek realized he hadn’t let go of Scott’s hands, but did nothing to release him and Scott did nothing to pull away. “Right now, maybe it’s enough that we can be ourselves around the people who are most important in our lives. We won’t have to hide from my family any longer since both of my parents will know. We’ve never had to hide from Beck. And maybe, what if…” Derek couldn’t bring himself to say his final thought out loud.

Scott prodded him along. “What is it? What are you thinking right now?”

Derek inhaled deeply. “What if you came out to Shannon? Your dad is hardly ever around, so most of the time, when we’re at your place, we won’t have to hide there, either.”

Scott’s face was difficult to read and Derek felt a momentary jolt of panic. As if struck by a spark of electricity, Scott’s face lit up and his eyes bugged out. “You’re absolutely right. I should tell my mom. She loves you and she’s stood up to my dad ever since last February when she made him lift my punishment. I’m sure she would feel like Claire did at first, uncomfortable and disappointed, but still loving and accepting of me. Yes, I’ll do it. Let’s make plans to go home this weekend. Since we won’t know how long each of our conversations will take, we can meet up back at the dorm room whenever we’re done, but I think this is the best plan we’ve come up with in a long time.”

The conversation couldn’t have gone better even if Derek had scripted it. Scott was too good to be true and he constantly proved it over and over again at the most unexpected of times. “Okay. We have a plan. All we have to do is choose whether we should do it on Saturday or Sunday.”

Scott bit his lower lip once again as the corner of his mouth began to work its way up the side of his face. Derek loved that seductive look and his cock began to stir as it always did watching him that way. “I say we do it both Saturday and Sunday. But, we can come out to our parents on Saturday.”

Derek smiled. He loved how easy it was for the two of them to engage in serious conversations and then fall back into playful and lighthearted back and forth banter. It was the ease of their relationship that made Scott home to Derek. “Why wait until Saturday? I have nothing to do after my meeting tonight. We can do it all three days, including Friday.”

Scott raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Fuck yeah!” Derek stood up, picking up both of their trays. “I’ll see you back in the room tonight. He walked off towards the garbage, throwing a slight sway into his walk. Not enough for anyone to notice, but enough so that anyone who was looking would focus on his ass. Knowing how much Scott loved his ass, he knew Scott would notice. Before he left the cafeteria, he turned around to see if Scott was following him. He was still sitting at the table, but had his phone out and was staring at it. Disappointed, Derek turned around and headed out to that evening’s meeting of The Alliance. He had barely gotten outside the building when his phone vibrated. Flipping it open, he saw he 141