Wrestling With Love (40 page)

Claire became serious and put her hand on Derek’s. “No, that won’t happen. But you do need to get out of your own way. Of course, neither I nor your father are ones to talk. You see how the two of us bicker over everything. That’s not because we’re truly angry, it’s because we’re stubborn as mules. You came by your stubbornness very honestly.”

“So what do you do to end your arguments with Dad? How do you quiet that fight inside you when you’re in the middle of a disagreement?” For the first time in weeks, his spirits rose. Why didn’t I think of asking Mom about this sooner?

“Honey, I have no idea. We love each other and we remember that while we’re fighting. Sometimes our fights end quickly. Other times they last for a while. It’s just the way things go. When your father and I disagreed about issues surrounding your upbringing, the fights were usually nastier and lasted longer. When I get angry at him for eating something with too much fat or salt, the fight may only last a few minutes. If there’s love and communication, it works out in the end.”

“Everyone tells me things will work out in the end, but nothing seems to be working out so well right now.” Derek thumped his hand on the table and his mother giggled again.

“Maybe you feel like they won’t work out right now, but they will. Remember, you’re still young, Sweetie. You don’t have a lot of experience with relationships and 191

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with life in general. Just talk to Scott. Keep talking to him. Listen to him as well. In time, as long as you communicate, this will work itself out.” His mother got up and started washing the mixing bowls and cutting boards she had used to prepare dinner. “Dad will be home in a little while. Why don’t you go upstairs and rest or watch TV?”

Derek got up and gave his mother a hug. “Thanks mom. I think I’ll chill out in my room and listen to some music.” He left the kitchen and went to his room, lying down on his bed. Everyone says things will work out. How do they know? He thought about what his mother had said. She said to keep communicating. To talk and to listen. Beck’s uncle Josh had said the same thing.

Flipping his phone open, he scrolled through the names. When he found Josh Stoltz, he let out a quiet cheer. He dialed the number and Josh picked up after the second ring. “Josh Stoltz speaking.”

“Hi, Josh, it’s Derek Thompson. Scott and I stayed at your place this summer. Do you remember me?”

“Of course. How nice to hear from you. How are you?” Josh’s voice was pleasant and made Derek feel better.

“To be honest, I’ve been better. That’s why I’m calling. I’ve run into some problems this year and I need some advice. I thought maybe you could help.”

“Of course, I will if I can. What’s the trouble?”

Derek knew immediately he had done the right thing by calling Josh. His voice, his willingness to help, the fact he was gay, all of it made him feel like Josh would have the answers no one else seemed to have. After recounting the same story he had told his mother only minutes earlier, Derek got to the main point of his call. “The real reason I’m calling is because I can’t seem to let go of my anger towards Scott. It’s like my brain is telling me one thing but my heart is telling me another and I can’t seem to get the two to communicate.”

Josh chuckled. “Well, recognizing you’re conflicted is a good starting point. Why don’t we begin with what your head is telling you?”

“My head? It’s telling me I want Scott to come out of the closet and admit he’s gay publicly. It’s telling me even though he’s told me from the beginning he’s not ready, I’m still annoyed by it. Yet, I feel like I don’t have a right to be angry with him for something he’s been completely honest about.”

“Ok,” Josh said. “Good. And what does your heart tell you?”

“My heart is saying I don’t give a damn what he told me. I feel like it’s a kind of betrayal that he won’t come out. I’m facing all of these problems, people are in complete support of me, and I feel like all that support should prove to him he has nothing to fear. If he would just come out then my problems with Tyrell would end.”

Josh was quiet for a minute. “So, you’re saying if he comes out it will solve your problems?”

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Derek was taken aback by the question. “No, I don’t think that…well, actually, that‘s exactly what I said, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Is that what you meant to say?”

Derek thought for a moment. He knew he didn’t want that to be his reason for wanting Scott to come out. “God. If it is, I’m a bigger shit than I thought.”

Josh laughed. “Why don’t you try to avoid berating yourself and let’s focus on what it is you’re saying. What would be your best-case scenario for you and Scott?”

“I want for the two of us to be out and for people to accept us as a couple without there being any consequence for us socially.”

“Good. That is a worthy goal. It may be slightly unrealistic, but it’s something to strive for. Now, does Scott have to come out in order for you to be close to him?”

“No. I know he loves me and I love him. I’ve just been so fixated on being out in college that I can’t see past it.” Derek heard himself and realized he sounded like a spoiled brat. “I feel like all of this stuff is happening to me and I’m dealing with it alone when Scott could be sharing the burden with me. God, that sounds so awful of me. It’s like I want him to suffer with me.”

“Well, there’s some truth to the saying misery loves company. But I don’t think that’s what you’re really saying.” Josh’s voice was so soothing Derek couldn’t help but relax. “I think what you’re saying is that you feel alone in handling the issues that confront you at the moment. Others are there to support you, but you’re the one bearing the burden of being outed and living with the repercussions. Scott is one step removed from the immediacy of your feelings which makes his position slightly safer than yours. You’re raw right now and you feel isolated. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way.”

Josh had just verbalized his exact feelings. “So what do I do about it?” He was desperate for the answer.

“I can’t answer that for you, Derek. Not because I don’t want to, but because each situation is different and how you need to handle your situation is unique, different from anyone else.” His voice was even and plain, there was no emotion or judgment in his words or tone. “What I can do is share a story with you about a time when Pierre and I hit a rough patch. You already know the story of when Pierre was miserable with his job. We told you how we spent the better part of a year struggling with his feelings of anger and frustration. It took a real toll on our relationship, but we continually communicated and finally worked through it. I suspect you’re feeling how Pierre felt back then. Maybe, if I share with you how I felt while he was going through that hard time, it will give you some insight into what Scott’s experience is right now.”

Derek was hooked. Josh had a way of cutting right to the point. It gave him a sense he could provide help with anything Derek might have to face. “That would be so great if you could. I really appreciate your willingness to help me.”

“It’s my pleasure, Derek. You were very charming this summer when I met you and it makes me happy to think I can help a young gay man as he experiences things which 193

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I’ve already experienced.” Josh paused, then sighed into the phone. “You remind me of when I was younger. It brings back such good memories for me…and some not so good memories. I look back on the harder times with greater fondness. Those are the experiences which taught me how to truly be happy.”

Derek felt warmth towards Josh as if he were family. He knew how lucky he was to have such a kind person who could also serve as a role model for him. “So, what was it like for you back when Pierre was going through his rough patch?”

“Well, as we have already told you, Pierre was very unhappy because he was working for Barney’s and felt it was too cut-throat. He was making an excellent salary and was concerned if he quit his job I might perceive him as taking me for granted for my money. The problem was he never told me that was how he felt. Instead, he began to pick fights and pull away from me.

“At first, I assumed it was a bad mood, something which would pass in time, but slowly, his behavior escalated. He began to pick fights with me over little things, things which had never bothered him before. Then we started to have less sex. Our intimacy in general took a significant turn for the worse. I confronted him on several occasions, but he would either snap at me, saying I was imagining things or would simply shut down, becoming even more distant. I considered many possible reasons for this change in his behavior ranging from a lack of interest in me to cheating. I had no idea what was going on and it was devastating to my self-esteem and happiness.”

Derek wondered if his actions were making Scott feel the way Pierre had made Josh feel. “What did you do?”

“At first, I tried to talk to him, but he kept shutting me down. Eventually, I started to pick arguments as well. It got to the point where the two of us were fighting about almost everything. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and, one day when he came home from work, I was waiting for him in our kitchen with my bag packed. When he saw it, he began to attack, saying I was abandoning him. I simply told him we were not effectively communicating and I wanted some space until he was ready to talk to me about whatever it was that was going on. Like I said, I really had no idea what it was and had been imagining many different possible things.”

“My God. You were ready to just up and leave him?” Derek was shocked, imagining this happy couple ever being in a place where Josh could have walked away from the relationship.

“Oh yes. It was a bad time for both of us, but it was the push that got him to start talking to me. When he finally admitted how unhappy he was at work and his fears of what I would think of him if he quit, I actually laughed. I felt horrible because I didn’t want him to think I was laughing at him, but, since I was imagining he had some lover on the side, his revelation was a huge relief to me.

“After I shared with him all of the possible reasons I had come up with for why he had become so distant, he also started laughing and we had our first really good conversation in months. I was able to tell him I didn’t care if he worked as a sales clerk 194

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or if he had no job at all. All I wanted was for him to be happy. It was difficult for him to accept, but that was because he had always been self-reliant. That took some time to work through. But, after our months and months of arguing, we agreed to make sure to communicate and to share our feelings. That’s the only way to remain on the same page and to work through whatever troubles may arise.”

Derek’s mind was reeling when Josh finished his story. He couldn’t believe how something as small as being unhappy in a job almost caused the end of Josh and Pierre’s relationship. All it took was communication to bring them back together. “Wow. So all it took was talking to work through your problems.”

Josh chuckled. “It’s wasn’t quite that simple, but I think you get my basic point. There’s a piece to your situation that you have to work through on your own. You’re harboring anger at Scott and that anger is standing in your way of being able to communicate. I think you need to ask yourself where that anger is coming from.”

“I keep trying to let go of my anger, but it comes back. In some ways I think I’m angry because I feel that I’ve brought all of these problems on myself. This year has been a year of experimenting and exploring who I am. When it blew up in my face, I felt defenseless and stupid and scared.” Could it really be that simple? Could it be that the person he was angry at was himself, not Scott? Saying it out loud seemed to make it become clearer in his mind. “In fact, I think part of me is afraid I pushed myself too hard and I don’t want to admit it. Blaming Scott is much easier than admitting I may have been placing too much pressure on me.”

“What you’re talking about is transference. You’re transferring your anger onto Scott so you don’t have to direct it on yourself. It’s common for people of all ages. But the difference with you is that you recognize it. Knowing what you’re doing gives you the insight you need to be able to change your behavior. I think you know what you have to do. Now you need to dig deep and do it.”

Derek did know what he had to do. “Thank you so much, Josh. You’ve been a big help.”

“Please. Call me anytime. Once again, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. You’re very grown up for your age and have a great deal of insight. Sometimes I think your generation is growing up too fast. In some ways I envy you. To live in an age where being gay is so prevalent and accepted. But in a way, things were easier years ago. The rules were so much more straightforward for lack of a better term.” Josh paused and Derek head a gentle sigh on the other end of the line. “Be sure to come and visit us again.” Derek thanked him and clicked his phone shut.

After dinner, Derek chatted with his parents, then got in his car to return to campus. Once on the road, he called Scott. “Hey, it’s me.”

“Hey yourself.” His tone was pleasant. “How was dinner?”

“It was good. Listen, can you meet me at the Student Center? There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Derek was bursting with a desire to see Scott. 195

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