Wrestling Against Myself (71 page)

A doctor approached the group. “Mr. and Mrs. Barnes,” he said gravely. “We moved your daughter into a private room. She will be on suicide watch, but she can get visitors.”

Tony rose along with his girlfriend's parents.

“Sorry, son, family only. Maybe in a few hours she can receive a visitor or two.”

The frustration mounted for Tony.

“We'll call you as soon as you're allowed to see her, Tiny,” Mrs. Barnes said.

“I appreciate that.”

Tony stood in the middle of a busy emergency room waiting area as the two parents got on an elevator with the doctor. The doors closed and the teenager was left alone.

Antonio looked around the emergency waiting area and in a sea of people he realized he was alone. He had so many emotions in him that he had trouble sorting them out. There was anger, that was one he was well acquainted with, but there was also frustration and sorrow and regret and self loathing at not trying harder to get through.

“She's alive,” Antonio said, not realizing he said the words out loud. He blew out a long hard breath and felt his body shudder. “Courtney is alive, I haven't failed yet. But I don't want to get this close to the end again.”

As the adrenaline faded from his body, Tony felt how much damage he did to his legs. He would have collapsed on the spot if he wasn't so stubborn. Instead, he fell backward into a padded seat and hoped he didn't set back his recovery.

Tony wanted to cry. He saw that lost look in the girl's eyes, he saw the desolation. He knew she wasn't alright. “Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I say something? How could I come this close to losing her?”

The tears welled up in Antonio's eyes, but he refused to let them fall. It wasn't pride that got in the way of him weeping, instead it was a resolve to make things right.

“She told me to go to hell,” Tony still spoke into the air. “Maybe she didn't mean it as an insult. Maybe she was offering an invitation to rescue her. She told me to go to hell because that is where she was and she needed me there.”

Antonio hoped that giving his legs some time to rest would allow them to regain their strength as he formulated a plan to set things right. Courtney's parents were still gone and he didn't expect them back any time soon. It would be a while before he was allowed to see her and he might not be allowed in at all that night.

It was okay, Tony told himself. He would see her when he was allowed, but there were other things to do. Instead he attempted to rise, which took an incredible amount of will and concentration. He was unable to simply rise out of his seat like he was use to. Instead, he had to push himself up and forward, holding onto the arms of the chair. He wished he had his crutches on him, but there was little he could do and if he didn't want to wait around by himself, he would have to suffer a little longer.

Tony staggered towards the sliding glass doors, using the wall to steady himself. He was going to make it to his car even if he had to crawl there. He tried to summon enough anger to suit his needs, enough so he could get behind the wheel of his Firebird and take the weight off his legs.

It took longer than he would like to admit and he almost fell two separate times, but Tony made it to his car and was able to open the door. His right leg lacked the strength to swing itself into the car and Tony used his arms to lift it inside. Luckily his left leg had a little more power.

Tony closed his eyes and regained his focus. He knew what to do; he just needed the fortitude to see it through. As soon as his breathing and his heart rate slowed to a conventional rate, he started the car.

Tony checked the time on his cell phone. He couldn't believe it was already five o'clock. He didn't think he was at the hospital that long and that the walk to his car ate up so much time. It was just as well, it meant he could do what he needed to do and not have that long of a wait. He threw the car into gear and cautiously made his way through the parking lot, making sure he could work the pedals with his exhausted leg.

The church was close to the hospital, not even a mile away. If he was in better condition to do so, he may have walked the distance so he could rehearse what he wanted to say. Perhaps it was better he just went off the cuff; it might be more powerful that way.

Tony swung into the church parking lot and took the handicapped space. Even though he was allowed to use it prior to that night, he refused to out of principle. He knew he wouldn't be able to go further than necessary. He put the blue hanger on his rear view mirror, and got the crutches from the back seat.

It took Antonio a while to navigate up the stairs, but he managed it on his own. He went through the rec room and into the Pastor Bob's office.

Pastor Bob looked up from his notes as he saw the large shadow grace his doorway. “Back to the crutches?” he asked in sympathy.

“I over did it today. Not really important how I feel anyway.”

The pastor could sense the sour demeanor of his visitor. It wasn't Tony's nature to be so forceful off of the mat. “What's wrong, Tiny?”

“They tried to kill her,” Tony said trying to hide the rage and sorrow he was feeling.

“They tried to kill who?” The concern was evident in Pastor Bob's voice.

“Courtney, that's who.”

“Another attack?”

“An attack, yes. But not like the one I went through. That would have been kinder.”

Pastor Bob sat back and listened as Tony informed him of the suicide attempt. He listened to the story of how she was isolated and lead to believe what happened to him was her fault. Tony even told about the threatening letter that told Courtney if she didn't leave him the next time he would be killed.

“The way we acted as a group isn't right,” Tony said after he filled in all the details. “I'm not saying we drove her to suicide, but we did nothing to get in her way either. Part of me feels like some of us may have even encouraged it. I thought you could say something, set things straight. People trust you.”

Pastor Bob closed his eyes in prayer. Tony knew the look; it was a very distinctive pose that the pastor fell into when he was communicating with the Lord. Antonio was unsure if he should be praying to, or if the pastor was going to pray out loud. He stared and waited.

“I'm not going to do that, Tiny,” the pastor finally spoke.

“But something needs to be said.”

“I agree with that.”
 

“Then why won't you say something.”

“Because it needs to come from you. People look up to you as much as they do me and you earned the right. But, I will give you one piece of advice. In a situation like this, you're only going to get one shot. Make sure you're speaking for the Lord and not yourself.”

“How?”

Pastor Bob got up and walked around the desk. He put his hand on the teenager's shoulder. “It's time to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him.”

Tony let the words set in. “I think I need to pray. Alone.”

Pastor Bob nodded. “The room is yours until it's time.”

Tony got on his crutches and made his way to the prayer room, which was nothing more than a converted closet. He had an hour before the youth group meeting started, but it might take a lifetime for him to empty himself of his anger and desires.

Tony wanted to get on his knees, to put his face to the floor, to completely humble himself before God, but feared if he did he might never get to his feet again. “It's not about you,” he said to the burnt red walls as he was consumed by silence.

Antonio lowered himself, carefully, until he was kneeling before the gold cross on the wall. His quads protested, but he blocked out the agony. It wasn't like him to get into this position for prayer, with his forehead on the carpet and his hands clasped in front of his head. The tears freely fell, partly because of the pain, but mostly because of him visualizing Courtney sprawled out on the floor for a completely different reason.

“Lord,” Tony said through gritted teeth. “Help me.”

Tony didn't know how long he felt separated from his body, but when he heard the knock at the door, he became aware of the pins and needles he felt running through his legs.

“Tiny,” Pastor Bob said through the door. “It's time.”

Tony struggled to get up. He lost all feeling in his legs and if he didn't have the crutches available he knew there would have been no way he could have gotten upright. Even with the crutches he found it difficult to navigate, but he managed.

The meeting room was quiet as Tony made his way in. No one said a word as he struggled to make it on the empty stage. Even the band vacated the dais and
its members were sitting in the front row. The teenager had no clue what he was going to say, he have a single line rehearsed. He was going in completely unprepared, and the thought was frightening to him.

He stood before the microphone and looked out into the sea of faces. “Lord, if you were ever going to speak through me,” he said in silent prayer, “let now be the time.”

Tony took one last deep breath. “No one here knows this yet, but earlier this afternoon, Courtney tried to commit suicide.”

Tony waited for a response, but none came. He expected a gasp or some murmuring, but the room remained still as his words settled on the audience.

“She attempted suicide because we failed her. I know we can't control the actions of another, but we did nothing as a group to get in the way of her chosen course of action. We were too busy serving our own needs. Too busy being judgmental. Too busy pointing our bony finger at her and to tell her she was wrong for who she was because we didn't agree or understand it. The thing we failed to do most, was to show her the love of Christ and for that we are wrong.

“We should count ourselves lucky that her blood isn't on our hands. Though she attempted to end a life she couldn't bear living, she failed. How dare we tell someone what they feel in their heart is wrong? How dare we peck at the mite that is in her eye while the beam of bigotry and intolerance is in our own? Courtney is a girl and we told her she could not be.

“Christ told no one they need to be perfect before they could come to him, but that is what we told her. We said you are wrong and therefore you are unacceptable to us.

Tony turned his gaze on Carl. “We told her the actions of others were her fault, that she endangered the future of someone she loved. That if she cared she should deny her own heart so she could conform to what we expected of her.

Carl looked down at the floor but said nothing in his defense.

“We were so afraid that our own secrets might be discovered,” Tony continued as he looked towards Dave and Ted. “So afraid that people would judge us as harshly as we judged her that we refused to extend a hand of friendship, leaving her isolated.

“Shame on us. Shame on us for being so self righteous that we forgot we represent someone who judges our heart and not our exterior. As so-called children of God, we have come up short and if we are truly His, we need to ask forgiveness for how we came up short when it comes to Courtney.”

Tony's phone buzzed in his pocket. He looked at the message and was informed he was allowed to see Courtney now.

“That's all I have to say. Hopefully next time we can do better.”

It was late. How late, Tony didn't know. Courtney's parents decided to go home to fetch a few items their daughter would appreciate once she woke up, but trusted Tony to keep watch in their absence.

Tony was feeling the weight of the day and was doing his best to stay awake as his legs throbbed in protest underneath him. In the quiet, all he could do was reflect back on how they had gotten here and wonder why so many people conspired to deny two people happiness when they were trying to keep to themselves.