Wrestling Against Myself (69 page)

“I'm hoping.”

“So,” Carl didn't know how to change the subject. “Did you hear the latest news?”

“The latest news about what?” Tony took a swig of Gatorade and felt refreshed.

“News about your little friend.”

Tony peered at Carl, wishing his teammate would get to the point. “Which little friend is that?”

“Your friend Corey. Don't people ever tell you anything?”

“You know I don't pay attention to gossip so nobody ever tells me any stories. So what happened to Courtney?” Tony emphasized the feminine name, but it fell on deaf ears as Carl rolled his eyes at him.

“He got suspended,” Carl informed.

“No she didn't,” Tony countered.

“It's true,” Tracy confirmed. “It's all over the school and I know people who witnessed everything first hand. His mother had to come pick him up from school and everything.”

“What could she have done to get suspended?” Tony asked.

“He tried to pick a fight and then cursed out a teacher when he pulled him away,” Carl said.”

Tony frowned as he looked at his meal, he felt his appetite waning. “That doesn't sound like the Courtney I know.”

“You got to face the facts Tiny,” Tracy said harshly. “The person you thought existed was nothing but a lie. I know you're hurt by it and we all feel silly we were all fooled, but it's time to face the facts. There is no Courtney and there never was. Just a sadistic little freshman who tried to play a prank that blew up in his face. Accept it for what it is and move on with your life. No one thinks any worse of you because you believed the best of someone.”

Tony forced himself to take another bite of the hoagie, just so he didn't have to respond and had a moment to collect his thoughts. “So, do either of you know exactly what happened.”

“The unofficial story is he tried to pick a fight with John Sharp,” Carl said. “It wasn't pleasant, some hateful things were said.”

“Who instigated it,” Tony asked. “You know John likes to push buttons.”

“No one knows for sure. From what I heard, John approached Corey in the hallway and then Corey snapped. He pushed John into a locker and started screaming at him.”

“What was she screaming?” Tony asked with peaked interest.

“Who knows,” Carl said as he avoided eye contact. “It was probably about you, but does it matter?”

Tony bowed his head, but didn't say a word at first. “Are you sure this happened or is this the story that's going around.”

“I was there at the end. By the time the shouting started, a whole crowd had formed around them, me included. I never saw John so mad. If it wasn't for a few teachers getting in between the two, I think an ambulance would have gotten involved.”

“This doesn't make any sense,” Tony said as he packed the remainder of his lunch back into the bag.

“It's hard to admit, but that Corey is one messed up dude. I mean, to first pretend that he's a girl and then going off the deep end with this hatred kick. He needs serious help.”

“She needs something,” Tony said as he stared blankly across the cafeteria to where John was sitting. He wanted to get up and get everything straight from the horse’s mouth, but he knew Carl long enough to know he wasn't lying and he wasn't sure if he could handle the whole truth.

“Don't do this to yourself, Tiny.” Tracy put her hand onto the large teen's forearm. “You tried to be a true friend, but when someone is being dishonest, it never turns out for the good. You got to let it go. I know it's short notice and you planned on having a date for Homecoming next Friday, if you want, I'll go with you.”

Tony managed a meager smile, even though he didn't feel like it. “Thanks for the offer,” he said as he slumped in his chair. “I doubt I'm going to go.”

Tony was once again held out of the preseason conditioning workout as his teammates made their way up and down the stadium steps. Though he had a fear of heights, he wished he was working off some excess anxiety. He tried to do a few sit-ups, but his midsection was too tender and Coach Walker didn't want him walking around the track.

So he held the clipboard and marked down how many flights each wrestler made to make sure no one cheated. The returning athletes knew not to lie, but, as happened every year, one of the freshmen tried to say he did more than he accomplished and was rewarded by doing five additional circuits.

Watching his teammates sweat off some pounds wasn't the diversion that Antonio hoped it would be. It only served as a further reminder to what happened. He would give anything for things to return to how they were before that fateful night, but now his life may have been irreparably damaged.

Hearing that Courtney picked a fight with John, didn't sit well with Tony. It was the only thing he could think of since lunch. Why would Courtney want to fight the person who came to his rescue? What did he do to her that was so terrible? It didn't make sense and was another worry the teenager could do without.

He was at a loss of what to do. Maybe Carl was right and he should accept the fact that someone pulled the wool over his eyes and gotten the better of him. Maybe it was best if he let go and got on with his life. But something in the pit of his stomach, under all the bruises and aches and pain gnawed at him that things weren't as they appeared. He just needed the right approach to get to the bottom of things.

“Okay,” Coach Walker said out loud as the last wrestler stomped down the metal stadium stairs and joined the group. “Off to the weight room. If you did upper body yesterday, you do lower body today and vice-verse.”

There was a noticeable groan from those who had to do the lower body workouts.

Tony followed behind the group with his head still in the clouds. If he could join them, at least he could get out some of his frustration. He had half a mind to defy the coach and wait around until everyone left and try to get in a few laps, but it wasn't in him to defy Coach Walker's orders.

Conditioning was over and everyone had worked up a good sweat other than Antonio who had to endure doing physical therapy under the watchful eye of Coach Walker. He was surprised how difficult it was to do such minimal work as he tried to get his muscles to heal. His hope was that if he was diligent, that if he put in the work, no matter how tedious, he could be back to where he needed to be quicker than the doctors projected.

Tony walked to his car
, his legs more wobbly than he would have liked, but he knew that was part of the process and accepted it for what it was. At least he was driving on his own and could go where he pleased without depending on others.

At first he assumed he was going to head home, even though he had the freedom to head anywhere he wanted. But as soon as he came up to the turn, he headed the other way and found himself entering Courtney's subdivision.

Antonio pulled behind Mr. Barnes' sedan and got out of the car. He headed to the door and rang the bell. Tony waited as he heard harsh voices from behind the door.

“Oh, hi Tiny,” Mrs. Barnes said, looking harried.

“That bad?”

“We're at the end of our rope and it's getting worse.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

“I'll get her for you.”

“Your still calling Courtney 'her,'” Tony said in surprise.

“It's a constant battle. But we started down this road and whatever is going on in her head has nothing to do with what she believes about herself. She just won't open up and is pushing everyone away.”

“Maybe I can figure something out,” Tony said hopefully. “Maybe without everyone from school around she'll open up.”

“I don't know,” Mrs. Barnes said doubtfully. “But we're willing to try anything.”

“I'll do my best.”

“Courtney,” Mrs. Barnes called into the house.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” an angry voice hollered back.

Mrs. Barnes took a deep breath and composed herself. “You have company.”

“Who is it,” Courtney spat.

“It's Tiny. He wants to talk to you.”

“Tell him to get lost; I don't want to see him.”

“You do your own dirty work.”

Tony shrugged as he waited, not knowing if Courtney would show up or leave him standing on the porch. After a few minutes, a small figure appeared and heading towards his direction.

“What do you want?” Courtney stood in the doorway with her arms folded as she scowled at the teen.

“I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you are okay.”

“See,” Courtney spread her arms wide. “I'm fine. You can go now.”

“Courtney, it doesn't have to be this way,” Tony pleaded.

“But it is this way! And I told you stop calling me that.”

“Why are you being this way?”

“This is the way that I'm supposed to be. Why can't you figure that out? I did.”

“But this isn't you,” Tony pleaded.

“Of course it is. Who else would it be? This is what I am, this is what everyone expects.”

“Not me.”

“Because you're a fool,” Courtney said with venom. “You believe that in every person there's a little bit of you, but there's not. The world doesn't work that way and the sooner you accept it the better.”

“I'm not worried about the world.” Tony was getting frustrated; nothing he did had any effect. It looked as if Courtney was having difficulty tolerating his presence. “I'm worried about us, about you. Why can't it just be us?”

“Don't you get it? There is no us. There will be no us. It's over, it never should have been. That's life, get use to it.”

“What did I do? What didn't I do? Tell me.”

“What didn't you do? You really want to know.”

“Yes, tell me,” Antonio demanded.

“You didn't die, that's what.”

Antonio's mouth dropped open and he was stunned. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Courtney yelled. “I wish you would have died! Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

Tony bowed his head. He couldn't believe what he heard. He looked into Courtney's eyes and saw nothing but hatred. She was truly lost, and he doubted there was a way he could ever get her back. A solitary tear fell from his eye. “I guess there's nothing more to say.”

There was a momentary hesitancy as Courtney stared at the tear as it traveled down Tony's cheek and disappeared somewhere in the crook of his mouth. “Tiny,” she said softly.

Perhaps there was still some hope, Tony thought. Perhaps she realized she had deeply wounded him and regretted saying something in the heat of the moment. He stared into those eyes, the ones that he got lost in when he fell in love with her. He could see the hurt, the fear, the despair. Somewhere inside, the Courtney he knew was struggling. “Yes,” Tony choked on the word.

“Go to hell,” she said and then slammed the door in his face.

And like that it was over. He failed.  Tony shuffled his feet back to the Firebird, and settled into the driver's seat. He would've started the car right away and tore out of the neighborhood, but he knew that he was in no shape to drive. He simply put his hands on top of the steering wheel and wept.

Courtney watched as she peeked through the blind, knowing she remained unseen. She watched as he cried. She would have cried too if she felt as if she was allowed.