Worth the Risk (19 page)

‘Someone on the farm broke his arm and Grandma had to go, so Sean said he’d stay with me.’ Charlie’s face was blotched with tears and she was clutching Sean’s hand. ‘Hero was playing in the garden but he jumped the fence again and he hasn’t been back all afternoon.’

Ally slipped her arms round her daughter and gave her a hug. ‘He won’t come to any harm, sweetheart. He’s probably just gone for a walk. He’ll come back.’

‘But it’s snowed!’ Charlie’s face was anxious and Ally kissed her and then stood up.

‘He’s got fur, darling. Fur keeps him warm.’

Charlie stared across the fields. ‘Sean says he’ll go and look for him.’

Ally’s mouth tightened and her chin lifted slightly. ‘Sean’s busy, darling. Hero will find his own way home. He’s done it before.’

‘Yes, but not when it’s snowed.’ Charlie tugged at her arm. ‘Can’t Sean go and look, Mummy?’

Ally gritted her teeth. ‘No, sweetheart. Sean’s got other things to do. Now, you and I are going to cook some dinner and Sean has to go home.’

Sean dropped down to Charlie’s level, his dark eyes gentle. ‘I’ll tell you what—you make dinner with your mum, and if he hasn’t come home by the time you go to bed then you give me a shout and I’ll take a look.’

‘That won’t be necessary.’ Ally gave him a cool smile, careful not to look at the hard line of his jaw, that firm mouth or the breadth of his shoulders. It was all too painful…

She hurried Charlie indoors and spent the evening playing with her daughter and doing one chore after another. Every corner of the barn gleamed as she dusted and cleaned, and a delicious smell of casserole wafted out of the kitchen. Just as she was laying the table for supper she heard Hero bark.

Relief washed over her as she called to her daughter. ‘There you are, darling, he’s home.’

‘Oh, Mum!’ Charlie leapt from her stool and dashed to the front door, falling on the dog who stood there wagging his tail.

Ally dried him off, settled Charlie into bed and had a quick bath herself, wrapping her wet hair in a towel before returning to the living room where the dog was sprawled in front of the blazing fire.

‘You’re in big trouble, mate,’ she muttered, taking a handful of fur and pulling it gently.

Hero whined and stuck his nose in her hand. The whine turned to a growl and he barked as someone rapped on the door.

Ally froze. Sean, of course. Well, she could hardly ignore it, could she? At least she’d pulled her jeans back on after her bath, instead of getting ready for bed.

Pulling herself together, she padded across the wooden floor and jerked open the front door.

‘Is he back?’ Sean came straight to the point and she nodded.

‘Half an hour ago. Thanks for looking after Charlie…’ She gave him a polite smile and went to close the door, but he was too quick for her, planting a foot in the door and shouldering his way past her.

‘I’ve let you avoid me for a week. That’s long enough.’

Her heart galloped uncontrollably and she gripped the doorhandle. ‘I’m not avoiding you, I just—’

‘Close the door, Ally, you’re letting out the heat.’ His expression was grim. She hesitated and did as he ordered.

‘I think Geoff Thompson might be depressed.’ Maybe if she kept the conversation professional she could avoid having to talk about more painful things. Like the fact he didn’t love her and never would. ‘Mary says he’s—’

‘I don’t give a damn about the Thompsons. I want to talk about us.’

His legs were planted firmly apart in a gesture of pure male domination and she wrapped her arms round her body and gave a little shiver. It was because she’d just come out of the bath, of course. ‘There is no us.’

‘There was on Saturday night,’ he said with brutal frankness, and she turned her head away so that she didn’t have to look at him, the sudden action loosening the towel around her head. Her damp hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders and she heard the hiss of his indrawn breath.

‘For goodness’ sake, Ally, I don’t understand what this is all about.’ He closed his hands over her shoulders and pulled her towards him. ‘I didn’t force you…’

‘No.’ She gave a shake of her head, her eyes bleak. ‘No, you didn’t force me.’

‘I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. Is that what’s wrong?’ His voice was rough and she coloured at the intimacy of his question.

‘No. You were—’ Her throat clogged and she coughed. Oh, hell! ‘It was fine.’

‘Fine?’ He gave her a little shake. ‘Fine?’

‘Oh, what do you want me to say?’ Suddenly she was shouting at him. ‘It was fantastic. It was the single most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life—there, are you satisfied now?’

He looked totally baffled. ‘So why are you avoiding me?’

Her anger dissipated and she felt suddenly tired. ‘Because you wish it had never happened.’

His hands fell to his sides and a muscle worked in his cheek. ‘That’s not true.’

She jerked away from him, the towel around her shoulders sliding to the floor. ‘It is true, Sean, and we both know it. Let’s be honest here for five minutes, shall we? I love you. I love you with every bone in my body…’ She saw him tense slightly and gave a short laugh. ‘Oh, I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth, and if you really want to know why I’m avoiding you then you’d better hear the truth—and the truth is, we don’t want the same thing.’

He was frowning. ‘I never wanted a one-night stand.’

‘Oh?’ Her eyes were bright with tears. ‘So you wouldn’t have minded second helpings?’

‘Dammit, it wasn’t like that and you know it.’ His dark eyes were alight with anger and suddenly she sagged, the fight gone. She just wanted him to go, too.

‘Forget it, Sean. You’ve made your position more than clear.’

His expression was grim. ‘This isn’t about me.’

‘No, of course it isn’t.’ Ally used sarcasm to hide her pain. ‘It’s never about you, is it, Sean? You don’t talk about your past, you don’t open up to anyone, you don’t trust anyone, you don’t expose your feelings to anyone—’

His hands were clenched by his sides. ‘Have you finished?’

‘Actually, no.’ She stared at him calmly. In a minute she was going to burst into tears and make a total fool of herself, but first there were things she needed to get off her chest. ‘You accused me of being afraid to take a risk, but what about you, Sean? Do you take risks? Do you allow yourself to get close to anyone, to develop a relationship? No, you don’t. Because you just might fall in love and that would cause all sorts of complications, wouldn’t it? And God forbid that you should ever have children because you’re afraid that loving them will make you vulnerable, too—’

His eyes were full of pain. ‘Dammit, Ally—’

‘Well, let me tell you one more thing, Sean Nicholson.’ Her voice cracked slightly and she took a deep breath. ‘As you once pointed out to me, there are no guarantees in life. The best you can do is to have hope and trust people. And you know what? Being a parent does make you vulnerable, because suddenly there’s someone in your life that matters more than yourself. Parenthood is all about exposing yourself to hurt, and it’s tough. Really tough. But that doesn’t mean people give up on it. Very few people are like your mother, Sean.’

His face was white. ‘You don’t understand.’

Ally stared at him sadly, all her anger suddenly gone. ‘No, I suppose I don’t, really, because you’ve never trusted me enough to explain. And that’s why this relationship is never going anywhere. I thought I could take whatever you were prepared to give, but it isn’t enough.’

He stared at her for a long moment, a muscle working in his cheek. ‘You’re saying you want me to marry you?’

‘Because you’re the first man I’ve ever been to bed with?’ She gave a short laugh. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Sean. I don’t care about marriage—but I do care about commitment. I can’t have a relationship with a man who bails out before he gets emotionally involved. I thought I could, but I can’t.’

His whole body was rigid with tension. ‘So that’s that, then?’

‘It would seem so.’

Why didn’t he argue with her, dammit? Tell her he loved her madly. Tell her everything he was thinking and feeling? But he didn’t.

The tears were going to come at any moment. If he didn’t leave soon she’d make an utter fool of herself.

He stood for a long moment just staring at her, his eyes tormented, and for a wild moment she thought he was going to kiss her. But then his hands clenched into fists and he walked away from her, wrenching open the front door and slamming it behind him.

CHAPTER NINE

T
HE
next week was a nightmare.

Every time Ally turned round she seemed to fall over Sean, her only consolation being that he seemed to look as drawn and strained as she felt. She couldn’t sleep, she didn’t eat and then, to cap it all, she went down with a stomach bug that seemed to be affecting most of Cumbria.

On the third day she felt slightly better and dragged herself into work, ignoring the feeling of nausea that gnawed away in her stomach. She hadn’t actually vomited for two days so she should be fine to work. Anyway, one of the other partners was off with the same thing so she really needed to be there, helping.

Will didn’t think so. ‘It’s hardly a good advertisement for the practice if the doctors look as though they’re at death’s door. Go back to bed.’

Ally shook her head. ‘I’m fine now. I just feel a bit feeble.’ And exhausted. Totally drained. Like a puppet with its strings cut. But if she sat down she’d be OK.

Will was watching her closely. ‘This is more than a stomach bug.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Ally avoided his searching gaze and sorted out her desk. ‘Everyone’s got it.’

‘Agreed—but it lasts twenty-four hours and then they’re as right as rain.’

Ally rummaged in her drawer. ‘I’m as right as rain.’

‘It’s Sean, isn’t it?’

Her hand stilled and she gritted her teeth. She wasn’t going to break down. Not here, with a surgery to run.

‘I’m fine, Will.’

There was a moment’s silence. ‘Well, I’m really sorry, and if there’s anything I can do just ask.’

The kindness in his voice brought tears to the surface. ‘Thanks, Will.’

Fortunately Will had the wisdom to leave her alone then, giving her time to pull herself together before surgery. But as she buzzed for the first patient, something he’d said nagged in her brain. The stomach bug only lasted for twenty-four hours—
so why was she still feeling sick?

She went through surgery on automatic, looking in ears and throats, listening to chests, writing prescriptions for antibiotics and seeing more people with the stomach bug, and as her last patient shut the door behind her she reached for the calendar, her hands shaking.

Carefully she counted the days, then checked again and closed her eyes. Dear God, her period was late and in all the stress she hadn’t even noticed. How could she not have noticed? She’d been due the night she and Sean had made love, which was why she’d thought she’d been safe. For a moment she sat and stared at the calendar, totally numb, and then a flame of excitement sparked inside her.

A baby. Sean’s baby.

She put the calendar down on her desk and stared out of the window at the mountains, a smile starting on her face. What was the matter with her? She should have been feeling horrified! She was expecting a baby by a man who didn’t want children or commitment. So why was she smiling?

She placed a hand over her abdomen in an instinctively protective gesture. Because it was part of Sean. Part of her love for him. There was no question of her not keeping it. The only question was what to do about Sean…

Her smile faded. He didn’t ever want children, he’d made that clear enough, and he didn’t want her either—not long term, at least. As she stared out of the window she saw that it had started to snow heavily and suddenly she felt more peaceful. She’d survive. Of course she would. And she wouldn’t tell Sean about the baby. What was the point? He didn’t want her and he’d made it clear that he didn’t want a child. She’d manage with the help of her family and friends. After all, she’d managed with Charlie…

* * *

It snowed heavily for another three days and most of Cumbria was paralysed.

‘Nothing’s moving on the roads, but the patients still seem to manage to turn up for surgery,’ Helen grumbled, checking the appointments to try and squeeze in another extra.

Ally gave her a wan smile. ‘I expect they’re bored so they want to come and see us.’

‘Yes, well, I wish they’d—’ Helen had glanced up and stopped in mid-sentence. ‘Ally, are you all right? You look dreadful!’

‘Thanks.’ Ally gave her a wry grin. ‘You know how to make someone feel better, I’ll say that for you. Any extras for me?’

‘Two more with the stomach bug,’ Helen told her, her eyes reflecting her concern. ‘Do you want Will or Sean to see them?’

‘No!’ Ally took a deep breath and picked up the notes. ‘I’ll see them. Send the first one in, will you, Helen?’

She settled herself in her consulting room, wondering whether she’d survive three months of nausea. She thought back to the number of times she’d glibly told patients that it would pass in time, and vowed never to be so dismissive again. She felt ill, totally drained of energy and exhausted, and sooner or later she was going to have to think of a new excuse because the ‘stomach bug’ routine was wearing thin.

She forced herself to concentrate as her first extra of the morning tapped on the door, another victim of the stomach bug. After examining him and giving him advice on rehydration and managing diarrhoea, Ally showed him out and then suddenly lifted her hand to her throat. She was going to be sick. She made it to the staff toilet just in time, and when she staggered out ten minutes later she found Sean standing there, his expression grim.

‘Helen told me you still aren’t well.’

Oh, not now! She just wasn’t up to a confrontation. ‘I’m fine, Sean.’

‘You look it!’ His wry tone made her shrug ruefully.

‘I’ve just picked up the same bug everyone else has.’

He stared at her for a long moment, his gaze measuring. ‘Except that everyone else seems to have recovered in half the time.’ There was a strange light in his eyes and for a brief moment of panic Ally wondered if he’d guessed.