Wishes and Tears (40 page)

‘Can I come in your car?' she asked Danny.

‘I thought you were going with Mark.'

‘I've changed my mind.'

‘Jan, what's he said to you?'

She gave him a warm smile and gently touched his arm. ‘It's nothing.'

From the car's window she looked across at Mark. He stood watching as their car slowly moved away. He looked so sad part of her wanted to run to him.

 

Back at the house everybody was talking. Janet wandered out into the garden and sat in her favourite secluded spot. Her thoughts were miles away when Freda came and sat next to her.

‘Penny for them.'

‘I was just thinking, I'm going to get a couple of rose bushes and plant them for Paula.'

‘She loved this garden.' Freda took hold of Janet's hand.

‘Freda, I'm so unhappy.'

‘Of course you are.' Freda put her arm round her and held her, childlike, stroking her hair while Janet cried pitifully.

After a while Freda said, ‘You've been through a lot, but you must remember you've got to be strong. You've got Janie to bring up now.'

‘I know. Thank God for that.'

‘I know it ain't none of my business but we've been friends for years and you can tell me to shut up if you like. But what was all that between Mark and you back there? I thought he was bringing you back here.'

‘He was, then suddenly I got cold feet. Freda, he wanted me to go with him, but what if he walked out on me again?'

‘Use your loaf. He ain't come here all the bloody way from Canada to walk out on you again.'

‘I suppose not. But seeing Janie's father made me feel that all men enjoy making us suffer.'

‘Now that one is a right bastard.'

‘He was at the crematorium.'

‘So Sue said. By the way she said he sent a wreath, but I didn't see it.'

A slight smile lifted Janet's sad face. ‘I put it in the bin. I didn't want Paula to see it.'

‘You are daft ... So where's he gone?'

‘Who, Janie's father?'

‘No, Mark.'

‘I don't know.'

‘Well, if you ask me I reckon you should have given him a bit of a chance.'

‘I don't know. I'm so scared of being hurt again.'

‘I don't think he'd do that. He loves you, Jan.'

She looked across the garden. ‘I know. Perhaps I was a bit hasty, but I'm all mixed up.' She stood up. ‘Well, it's all over now. I've lost my chance this time for good.'

‘Do you care?'

‘I don't know. I don't really know.'

As the following morning was fine and bright, Janet, with Janie in her pushchair, went to the hospital to hand in her notice. Until now she had only been on temporary leave.

‘I'm really gonner miss working with you, Jan,' said Mary, squatting down to fuss over Janie. ‘It's not the same without you here.'

‘And I'll miss coming into work every day. But I think I'll have my work cut out looking after this one. After all, I'm not getting any younger.'

Mary smiled. ‘You'll never get old. How you going to manage for money?'

‘Well, Paula left a will and when the flat's sold ...' She stopped to blow her nose. ‘I'm sorry.'

‘That's all right. I understand.'

‘Well, I must be off. I wish you luck. Thanks for the card and flowers.'

‘That was the least we could do. I only hope the one who takes your place is as nice.'

‘Thanks, Mary.' Janet kissed Mary and left. Another chapter in her life had come to a close. What did the future hold for her now?

 

In many ways Janet was upset that Mark hadn't got in touch with her again before he'd left. At the end of the week she knew her chance of finding any happiness with him had gone. Why had she been so stupid? Their timing was wrong again. She was distraught at losing Paula and wanted to hurt him like she had been, but in the end it was only herself she had hurt.

The weather was very warm and at the weekend Janet had planned to go with Sue to Paula's flat to sort out her clothes.

‘I'm not looking forward to it,' said Janet as they opened the front door.

‘There isn't any hurry. You don't have to do it just yet.'

‘But what if someone wants to buy the flat?'

‘I'll show them round. Why don't you leave it for a week or two? We'll just empty the fridge and take her plants. Then perhaps you'll feel more like it another time.'

‘I don't think I'll ever feel like it. I feel I'm intruding, going through her personal things.'

‘You know, Janet, you don't have to do it. Me and Freda can manage if you can't face it.'

‘No, I'll be all right. But I'll leave it till next week. Perhaps Tina will look after Janie for the day.'

‘I'm sure she would.'

Janet was pleased when she phoned Danny and Tina and they invited her for the weekend.

She was looking forward to seeing them that Friday evening and began packing all the bits and bobs she would need.

The traffic was heavy as she drove to Clapham Common but the thought of dangling her toes in their pool was inviting. And she knew Emma would love having Janie around.

She turned on the radio and began to hum softly with the music. She looked in the rear-view mirror at Janie, who very soon was fast asleep. Janet wanted to cry whenever she saw the contented look on her granddaughter's face. She had so much to tell her. If only she could have told her about her mother's childhood, but that wasn't to be. How would she be able to explain to Janie that she gave her mother away? She knew she mustn't dwell on this, that she had to look forward. She had a job to do and that was to give this little girl all the love and happiness she could.

As always they were made very welcome when they arrived at Danny's, and Emma was jumping up and down, begging to be allowed to help bath Janie. Janet could see this was going to be the best weekend she had had for many months.

‘You just relax,' said Tina, helping her to unload the car. ‘Danny said he wasn't going to be late tonight.'

They were all crowded into the bathroom bathing Janie when Danny called up the stairs to tell them he was home.

‘Daddy, Daddy!' yelled Jason, disappearing out of the room. His shouting and the clatter of his feet could be heard despite the thick carpet.

A few moments later Danny popped his head round the door. ‘Hello, girls.'

Emma ran to her father, who hugged her and gave her a kiss. He kissed Tina, then Janet. ‘She's a little cracker, ain't she?' he said, nodding towards Janie, who was laughing and busy smacking the water.

Janet nodded.

‘Look at those rolls of fat,' said Danny.

Janet thought her heart would burst she was so proud to have Janie to look after. Tina handed her a towel and when she lifted Janie out of the bath she began to yell.

‘Well, she's certainly got a pair of lungs on her,' said Danny. ‘I'll go on down and pour out a drink. D'you two want one?'

‘Yes, please,' they said in unison.

‘Can I have a word, Tine?'

Tina shrugged her shoulders, gave Janet a funny look and followed him out of the bathroom and down the stairs.

‘What is it?' she asked as he went into the dining room.

Tina stood in the doorway and let out a gasp. ‘Mark. Mark.' She ran to him and, holding him close, kissed his cheek. ‘What are you doing here? You were supposed to go back last week.'

‘I phoned the office and asked for another week. I had to do some business over here as well. I called Danny this morning and he said Jan was going to be here for the weekend, and, well, here I am. I hope it's all right?'

‘It is as far as I'm concerned, but what about Jan?' Tina and Danny knew that Janet had sent Mark away after the funeral.

‘I just had to see her again.'

Danny handed Tina a drink. ‘I reckon we ought to let Mark take Jan out tonight. We can look after the little 'en.'

‘Yes, that's all very well, Danny, but what will Jan say?'

‘You talking about me again?' Jan walked in with Janie over her shoulder. She suddenly stopped. ‘Mark,' she whispered. ‘I thought ... You were only supposed to be...'

‘Hello, Jan. Yes, I should have gone back but I got another week. I have to go back on Wednesday.'

Janet's mind was in a turmoil.

‘I'll take the little 'en,' said Tina. ‘You two go out in the garden and have a talk.'

‘I don't think we have anything to say to each other; it's all been said,' said Janet. ‘I'll just finish seeing to Janie.'

Tina followed Janet out of the room. ‘I'm going to say something now that might put our friendship in jeopardy. I love you, Jan. I think you're a smashing person but I don't want to stand by and watch you throw away the chance of happiness. There, I've said it. Mark really loves you and I think you still love him.'

Janet looked at the ground and shifted her feet.

‘You've got the rest of your life so why not share it with him?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Well, I've had my say. If you want, we'll look after Janie while you and Mark go out for a meal and a long talk.'

‘He might not want to.'

‘He hasn't stayed over to come and see us. Jan, do you still love him?'

‘I don't know.'

‘You've never married anyone else.'

‘No. I didn't find anyone I wanted to spend my life with. Besides I was too obsessed with finding Paula.'

‘Well, that's all over now. I'm sure she would like you to find happiness.'

Janet swallowed hard. ‘I'll go out with him tonight for a meal, but that's all.'

Tina took Janie from her. ‘I'll see to her while you and Mark go into the garden. Right, young lady, it must be time for your bottle.'

Janet walked up to Mark who was sitting staring at the pool, which was shimmering in the early evening sunlight. She sat beside him.

‘I'm pleased to see you, Mark.'

‘Are you? Are you really?'

She nodded.

‘Jan, shall we try to start again?'

‘What d'you mean?'

‘It seems whenever we meet we always end up - I don't know - with one of us walking off.'

She smiled. ‘That's true.'

‘Well, at the risk of you going off again I'm going to say what I feel.'

Janet shifted uncomfortably. Did she really want to hear?

‘Jan, I've loved you for years. I know I was wrong not hearing you out all those years ago. I was young and stupid and I suppose, thought I had high morals, but that's all in the past. Now I've found you again I don't want to lose you. Janet, will you marry me?'

Janet sat and stared at him. ‘I wasn't expecting you to say that.'

‘We're not getting any younger and we haven't got time for any more pussyfooting around, so I thought I'd come here and try my luck once again. Well, what do you say?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Do you think you could love me?'

She wanted to throw her arms round him. She knew she loved him and she didn't want to lose him again. ‘Would that mean me going to Canada?'

He nodded. ‘We can always come back and forth. I have to come over to help set up business at this end.'

‘I've got Janie to think of.'

‘She would love Canada.'

‘But would I?'

‘Yes, I know you would.'

‘But what about my friends? I just can't up and leave them. I might not see them again.'

‘Of course you will. As I said, when I come back you can come for a holiday.'

Janet knew she was beginning to weaken but half of her had to keep finding as many obstacles as she could.

‘What will your mother say about it? She won't want me interfering.'

‘She's going to find a place of her own. In fact, she's looking now. She'll be more than pleased to have you over there, and I've told her all about Paula and Janie. She was very upset about everything that has happened.'

‘I don't know.'

‘Janet.' Mark's voice was hard. ‘I'm not going to plead any more. If you say no this time then I'll walk out of your life for ever. I promise that I'll never see you again.'

Fear clutched at her heart. She didn't want to spend the rest of her days without him.

Mark stood up.

‘Where are you going?' She looked up in panic.

‘To say goodbye to Danny and Tina. There's no use staying here any longer.'

‘Please, sit down.' She pulled at his sleeve.

‘Is there any point?'

‘Yes. Mark, I do love you. I have done all these years. I've never married because I couldn't find anyone I loved. So if you think we could make a—'

She didn't get a chance to finish the sentence because his lips were on hers, kissing her hungrily and passionately.

‘Jan,' he whispered, ‘I have got to go back on Wednesday.'

She sat back in alarm. ‘I can't go on Wednesday.'

‘I know. You let me know when you're ready to come over and perhaps we could get married here.'

‘I'd like that.' She began to laugh.

‘What's so funny?'

‘I think Freda's still got her bridesmaid's frock.'

‘No! What, after all these years?'