Wishes and Tears (17 page)

She was so engrossed in her cleaning and sorting out that when the bell rang she jumped out of her skin.

‘Danny,' she said on opening the door. ‘What are you doing here so early?'

‘It's five thirty, and you've got a dirty face.'

She laughed and looked at her watch. ‘So it is, you'd better come in and wait for me to get ready.'

‘I've brought you a house-warming present.'

‘That's very kind of you, but you shouldn't have.'

‘Well, I have. Open it.' He handed her a cardboard box.

‘A radio. My very own radio. Oh Danny, thank you so much.' She lightly kissed his cheek.

‘Thought you might need something to cheer you up. Right, now go and tart yourself up, then we can be off.'

‘Have you seen the state of that bathroom?'

‘I used to live here, remember?'

 

Freda was overjoyed at Janet's news.

‘I can lend you a pair of sheets for now.'

‘Thanks. I can go shopping tomorrow.

‘Look, I was going to take Jan out for a bite to eat,' said Danny. ‘So how about you and Charlie coming with us?'

Freda grinned. ‘We don't wanner play gooseberry.'

‘It'll be a kind of thank you for looking after Jan.'

‘Well, if you insist.'

‘We going in that posh car you've got outside?' asked Charlie.

‘Why not?'

‘I like those Vauxhall Crestas. Very smart,' said Charlie.

‘Is that all right with you?' Janet asked Freda.

‘I should say so.'

Janet felt a pang of guilt when they were sitting in the café Danny had chosen, laughing and joking. She had just been jilted and here she was enjoying herself. Freda caught sight of her as her expression changed.

‘I'm off to the ladies. Coming?' she asked Janet.

‘What are you suddenly looking like you've lost a tanner and found an 'a'penny for, my girl?' Freda peered into the mirror and rubbed her little finger over her bright red lips.

‘I feel guilty. I don't know where Mark is and here I am having a good time.'

‘Well, that was up to him.'

‘I know, but it was all my fault.'

‘So, are you going to spend the rest of your life carrying all this burden on your shoulders and worrying yourself into your box then?'

‘I don't know.'

‘If you want my advice, for what it's worth, you wanner start thinking of yourself and your future for a change.'

‘I do know that.'

‘Right, let's start with tonight.' Freda went into a cubicle. ‘By the way, that Danny's a bit of all right. Not bad-looking and worth a bob or two. You could do worse,' she called out.

‘A man like Danny's the last thing I'm looking for.'

For two weeks Janet had been shopping, hunting out bargains, and cleaning. During the day she was happy, but at night when she went to bed cuddling her rabbit, the bed that she and Mark should have been sharing and she found it hard to control her tears. She hadn't realized how much she loved him, and she missed him so much. Had he gone to Canada? How would she ever find out? Did his mother know?

It was Saturday. This should have been the happiest day in her life, her wedding day. She felt so miserable, and mooned about all morning. At two o' clock, when she should have been walking down the aisle, she wondered if Mark would be thinking that, too. Were her parents upset? And what about Mr and Mrs Scott? In some ways they had lost a son. Tears trickled down Janet's cheeks. She had to get out of the flat, so she went and sat in the cemetery.

Sitting in the warm sunshine, Janet watched lonely people putting flowers on the graves of their loved ones. Some did a little tidying up, while others stood quietly and dabbed at their eyes. Although she felt as if she'd had a bereavement she knew she had to cheer up, as Danny had promised to take her, Freda and Charlie out to a show tonight and a meal after.

‘Thanks, Danny, that was a really smashing evening,' said Freda as they said their good nights. She pulled Janet to one side. ‘You wanner hang on to him. He's all right, and so thoughtful,' she whispered.

Janet was on her guard when Danny took her home, even though she needed a shoulder to cry on. She knew that if he was kind and loving she would let her heart rule her head and probably give herself to him. That could cause a lot of complications. He must have sensed her feelings because he behaved like the perfect gentleman, and didn't even ask to come in for a coffee.

‘Did he go back home with you?' asked Freda eagerly when they met up the following Saturday.

‘No. I must start to look for a job soon,' said Janet, changing the subject.

‘Where?'

‘I don't know. It'll have to be in an office.'

‘Remember that Danny said he'd help.'

‘I can't let him help me any more. He's been very good already.'

‘He's got a soft spot for you, you know.'

‘I like him, but that's all.'

‘Funny, ain't it? All that time you was with Mark and you didn't tell him about Paula, yet you told Danny almost at once.'

‘Well, I was very vulnerable when that happened.'

‘He didn't cast you aside, though, did he?'

‘But it was slightly different; he wasn't going to marry me.'

‘Not then he wasn't, but give him half a chance and I reckon he'd be there.'

Janet blushed. ‘Don't talk daft. That's the last thing I want right now. Besides, he's a confirmed bachelor.'

‘What, with all the tarts that hang around him?'

‘He's not interested in getting married.'

‘That's what you think.'

‘What's he said to you?'

‘Nothing.'

Twice now they had been out as a foursome and now Janet was worried in case Danny had confided in Freda. ‘Has he said anything to you?'

‘No, course not. It's just me matchmaking.'

But Janet wasn't so sure.

‘Look at the place he lives in.'

They had been to his house at Clapham once when he had to pick up some papers. He had showed them around. It was a lovely house with a large garden and it overlooked the common but, as Freda had said, it needed a woman's touch.

 

The job Janet found was in the office of a large West End department store, and the money was twice what she had been getting in Horsham.

The girls were friendly and helpful and it didn't take her long to settle down.

She wasn't happy in Mark's flat and a year later found herself a flat in Wandsworth. It was very basic, almost the same size as Mark's. She did worry at the time that if he ever came back he wouldn't know where to look for her. Would he go to Danny to try to find her? She knew that could never be and he might even be married by now. She often thought about her parents and would have liked to find out how they were getting on but her pride prevented that. She had sent them birthday and Christmas cards, and included her address, but had never received any replies.

As she looked round her new home she knew this wasn't for ever. She was going to save hard and one day buy herself a house.

On Saturday afternoons the big West End shops shut, so Janet would meet Freda, and they would have a sandwich together.

‘Seen much of Danny lately?' Freda asked one day.

‘Not for a few weeks.'

‘You know you shouldn't keep giving him the elbow. He could be your way to a life of luxury.'

‘You know I'm not looking for any relationship at the moment.'

‘Still, it don't hurt to keep your options open, does it?'

‘No, I suppose not.' But Janet knew that wasn't what she wanted in her life. She was enjoying her freedom, such as it was, and didn't want to be tied down to anyone, not while she still thought about Mark. And besides, she had a task; she was determined to find her daughter, but where to start?

As time moved on, more and more Janet found herself drawn to Southwark.

She felt she needed to be near where Paula was born. On Sundays she would stand outside the place she and Freda had called home for all those months. It was still run by the nuns and, keeping out of sight, she would watch Sister Verity and Sister James walk the mothers-to-be in twos to church. There weren't so many girls there now; perhaps that was because being pregnant out of wedlock wasn't such a sin these days.

She would also go to the park and watch the children playing round the pond. She would look at little girls' bare feet, hoping to see a heart-shaped birth mark on their left foot. Sometimes if she saw a child whom she thought could have looked like Paula she would even call out her name. But was her daughter still called Paula? And did her adoptive parents live in this area? At times her quest seemed nothing more than a hopeless dream.

 

Over the next four years Janet blossomed and became more confident. She worked hard and saved, all the time planning and searching. When she found a neat terraced house to buy in Southwark she was ecstatic. It had two bedrooms, a front room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom. Everything she had ever wanted, except there was no Mark or Paula to share it with.

‘It's lovely,' said Freda, as they moved from room to room. ‘And look at that garden.'

‘It's a bit overgrown but I'll soon get it into shape. I was so lucky to get it.'

‘That's as may be, but I still reckon it's a bit of a millstone round your neck. Couldn't see my Charlie ever buying a house and landing himself with a lot of debt.'

‘It's what I want.'

‘Na. My Charlie would rather have a landlord look after the repairs.'

It wasn't long before her house contained many things some people considered luxuries. She had a television, fridge and a record player. She would go to the pictures, buy Cliff Richard and Pat Boone records, but she was always alone at night.

During these years she had been out with men whom she'd met at work, or girls in the office had persuaded her to go along with them on blind dates, but she knew deep down nobody could take Mark's place.

Danny had taught her and Freda to drive. They had had a lot of fun together and he was just as pleased as Janet when she passed her test first time. Freda had to have a couple of tries, but she got there in the end.

‘Could teach you a lot of other things as well,' he had said to Janet at the time.

She had laughed that off. Now when she looked out of her front room window and saw her dear little Mini in the road, she was very proud. She was concerned when Danny sold it to her, remembering his past reputation and the accident that had sent Mark running away.

‘Mark was daft over that affair. The cops said it was the driver's fault. Seems he only had a provisional licence; he hadn't even passed his test. Besides that, I've got a bit more respectable since then. This is a good clean little motor, and it's in very good condition,' he had assured her.

Janet had to admit he did now have a showroom, a new office and an office cleaner. He was almost respectable.

Janet didn't like to get involved too much with the girls at work, and in the beginning, whenever possible, she kept her distance from Danny. But as the years went on she went out more and more with Danny, Freda and Charlie in a foursome. They spent many Christmases and New Years at Danny's, and he'd use any excuse to have a party. Janet was very fond of him and he was always the perfect host but she had made it perfectly clear she would never stay at his house alone.

At first he had asked her why, and she told him she didn't want to get into another relationship.

‘You still carrying a torch for Mark?'

She didn't reply.

‘I would never hurt you, Jan.'

‘I know.'

‘Give it time; you may change your mind.'

He was kind, but she knew she wouldn't. They went to see shows and have a meal occasionally, just the two of them, but that was as far as she would allow their relationship to go. She was very fond of him as a friend and that was what she wanted him to stay.

Freda still shared Janet's life and most Saturdays would find them spending the afternoon shopping and chatting.

‘I went to the hospital the other day,' said Janet one Saturday when they were sitting in a fashionable new coffee bar.

‘Why? What's wrong with you?' asked Freda, her voice full of alarm.

‘Nothing. It was the place where Paula was born. I told them me and my husband wanted to adopt a baby.'