Wishes and Tears (33 page)

‘Numb at the moment.

‘What does she look like?'

‘She's lovely and she's got a mop of dark hair,' said Sue sitting next to Janet.

‘Thank you for such a beautiful granddaughter. You are a clever girl.'

Paula gave a little grin. ‘It wasn't all that hard.'

‘Have you thought of a name yet?' asked Sue.

Paula nodded. ‘I've given this a lot of thought. How do you like Janie?'

Janet swallowed hard. ‘Janie sounds lovely.'

‘In a way I wanted to call her after you. When do you think they'll let me see her?' asked Paula.

‘I don't know,' replied Janet, swallowing back a sob. ‘As soon as possible I should think.'

‘It's shame I can't feed her.'

‘Why's that?' asked Sue.

‘Because I'll be having that radiotherapy.'

‘Of course,' said Sue softly.

To Janet suddenly the joy of the moment had gone. They now had this big problem to overcome. They would face it together head on.

Three days after Janie was born Paula's wedge operation was performed. They were going to start her radiotherapy treatment a week later.

At first Paula felt sore and miserable, but Janet was there whenever possible with a soft word and a small treat.

Every morning before she went to work Janet would hurry along to the intensive care unit to see Janie, and then when she'd finished for the day she would go and sit with Paula.

One afternoon Paula was sitting in the intensive care unit beside Janie's incubator holding her baby's tiny hand when a nurse came up.

‘You'll be able take her home when you go. She's gaining weight nicely.'

Paula was suddenly filled with both panic and pleasure, but when she looked down at her beautiful daughter, these feelings were replaced with despair. Would she ever see her grow up, go to school, have boyfriends and perhaps marry? Tears streamed down Paula's face.

‘Are you all right?' asked the nurse, putting a comforting arm round her.

‘Could she get cancer through me?'

‘All possible tests have been done, and of course she will be monitored, but it's very unlikely.'

Paula fished in the pocket of her dressing gown for a tissue to wipe her eyes. ‘I can't wait to hold her and cuddle her.'

The nurse stood next to Paula and looked at Janie. ‘She is lovely. And I think you can have that cuddle now.' The nurse lifted Janie out.

Paula smiled at the tiny arms and legs waving about. She held her close to her, savouring her lovely baby smell. Janie turned her head and nuzzled against her. Paula then realized what a dreadful wrench it must have been for Janet to part with her all those years ago.

 

When Janet proudly brought her daughter and granddaughter home, Janet was thrilled when Paula asked if she could stay with her for a while till she got on her feet.

As Paula was going to have go to the hospital every morning for her radiotherapy treatment a rota had been planned between Sue, Tina and Janet to take her or look after Janie, with Freda coming over and helping out at the weekends.

At first the treatment made Paula very sick but as the weeks progressed she found she was feeling less ill.

Every evening Janet would hurry home from work, eager to see her daughter and granddaughter, who was so small and delicate that at first Janet was almost afraid to hold her.

She was such a good baby and to Janet the thrill of feeding, changing and bathing her and doing all the other wonderful things she never did with Paula was marvellous. Even burping her at two in the morning was a joy. Many times Janet was pleased to have Sue around to give a helping hand and to use it as an excuse to bill and coo over the baby if Paula wanted to rest in the afternoon while her mother was at work.

Janie Paula were the names Paula had chosen, and on Sunday, 16 December, Janie was christened. Freda, Sue and Danny were her godparents and everybody went back to Danny's where Tina, as usual, had put on a wonderful spread. Janet thought her heart would burst she was so happy, but they all knew about the dark cloud that was hanging over them.

Everybody was fussing over Paula and the baby and at last Janet found a quiet moment to have a word with Tina to thank her for what she'd done. ‘This is a lovely spread, and the cake is super. I can never thank you enough, and her christening gown was perfect.'

‘Well, we knew you wouldn't have time to do much. 'Sides, it's the least we can do, and both of mine wore that for their christenings.'

‘What would we do without you?'

Tina laughed. ‘Don't, you'll have me in tears soon.'

‘I'm very sorry we never got to your Mum and Dad's party.'

Tina touched Janet's hand. ‘Don't you go worrying about it. We all understand the reason. By the way, Mum sends her love. Did you see that lovely baby record book she sent over for Janie?'

‘Yes, I did. That was most kind of her.'

‘She was very upset to hear the news about Paula. Life's so bloody unfair. After all you've been through as well.'

‘I'm glad I'm here to help take some of the burden off her.'

‘Mind you,' Tina nodded towards Paula, ‘she looks very well and I love her trouser suit. She's got her figure back nice and quick.'

Janet smiled proudly across at her daughter, who was talking to Harry and Sue. She looked lovely, so tall and slim in her smart new navy suit. ‘Yes, she's pleased about that.'

‘She looks so happy. You'd never think she had ... We're all keeping our fingers crossed for her.'

‘Thanks. All we can do is hope. So many women do get over it, so let's hope Paula is one of the lucky ones.'

‘We hope so. When does she finish her treatment?'

‘Not till after Christmas.'

‘She seems to be coping very well.'

‘Yes, she does. I was hoping it would have been finished before, but there you go.'

‘What happens then?'

‘I don't know.'

‘What are you doing for Christmas?'

Janet smiled. ‘For the first time in my life I am having it at home.'

‘You know you're both welcome here if it gets too much for you.'

‘Thanks, Tina. Danny was very lucky when he found you.'

She laughed. ‘I keep telling him that.'

‘Mum,' said Emma, coming up to Tina, ‘Jason's gone and pinched one of those chocolate things and he's stuffing it in his mouth like a wild animal.'

‘Talk about no rest for the wicked. Why don't you tell your father?'

‘He's busy talking to Uncle Charlie and he told me to tell you.'

‘Typical,' said Tina with a toss of her head.

‘She's growing up, quite the young lady now.'

‘And saucy with it, but she can't do any wrong in her father's eyes. I'd better go and sort it out. Don't want Jason sick all over the place.'

Janet laughed. She loved these people. They had been her salvation for so many years.

Janet found Paula sitting alone in the dining room. ‘Where's Janie?'

Paula managed a smile. ‘She being spoilt by young Emma. Don't worry, Tina's with her.'

‘You look tired.'

‘I feel it a bit. Everyone's so good to us. Have you seen all the lovely presents Janie's had?'

Janet nodded.

Paula took a hanky from her pocket and blew her nose. ‘I've made out my will.'

Janet was stunned. ‘Don't think about things like that, not today.'

‘I told the solicitor I was going to ask you to look after Janie if anything happened to ...'

Janet looked around, almost willing someone to come in so this conversation would stop. ‘Please. Don't even think about things like that.'

‘I must. Will you?'

‘You don't have to ask that question.'

Paula sniffed. ‘I feel a lot better now.'

Emma came running in. ‘Auntie Paula, Auntie Paula. Your Janie's been sick all over my mum.'

‘Oh dear, I'd better come and tell her off. Shall I smack her bottom?'

Emma's face was full of alarm. ‘No, don't do that. She didn't mean to. I expect it's something she had for her dinner.'

Laughing, Paula, put her arm round Emma's shoulders. ‘I expect it is.'

‘I didn't like that priest pouring water all over her - did he do that to me?'

‘I expect so.'

‘Is Janie a good girl?' asked Emma, stopping and looking at Paula.

‘Yes.'

‘That's good.' She looked around, then whispered, ‘I don't believe, of course, but Jason does and we have to pretend, so,' she raised her voice so that Jason could hear, ‘does Father Christmas know she's been born?'

‘I would think so. He's very clever,' said Paula out loud and very pointedly.

‘You'll have to write him a note just in case he don't know, as she can't write yet and she might not get any presents.'

‘I'll write a letter for her.'

‘Great. I've done one for me and Jason,' she laughed.

Janet's eyes filled with tears as she watched them leave the room hand in hand. How could life be so cruel? Everything she had ever wanted and wished for was here and it could all be taken away from her. Her life seemed to be full of both wishes and tears.

Freda came and sat beside her. ‘You all right?'

Janet nodded.

‘Well, me old mate, we never thought we'd see this day, did we, all those years ago - you at your granddaughter's christening?' She gently tapped Janet's hand.

Janet shook her head.

‘She's a lovely baby. Does she look like Paula when she was born?'

‘Yes, she does.'

‘I never really got over losing mine, you know.'

‘Oh Freda, what can I say?'

‘Not a lot really. It would have been better if me and Charlie could have had one, but there you are, what will be will be. Mind you, it was a long hard struggle for you but I'm glad you found her in the end. I was a bit worried when you said she was going to have it when she was just eight months.'

‘I know. I thought of you and that terrible night too.'

‘Well, things have got much better nowadays and the babes stand a better chance. What about Janie's father, has he seen her?'

‘No. Paula phoned him but he's not interested.'

‘The bastard. Does he know about, you know, the other?'

‘No. She didn't want his sympathy.' She paused, ‘Freda. I'm really worried sick about the future.'

‘Of course you are, but she's a strong girl, a bit like her mum. Don't worry, she'll pull through.'

‘God, I hope so.'

‘Just you remember, we're all here to help you.'

Janet smiled. ‘You have always been there when I needed you.'

‘Well, we go back a long way. I can't believe me and Charlie have been married twenty-five years.'

‘I can still see you coming to Stowford on the back of his motorbike, showing all your legs.'

‘Always been a bit of a brazen hussy, ain't I?' She laughed. ‘Thank Gawd he's into cars now. Can't see me cocking me leg over the pillion these days.' She sat back and smiled. ‘Just think, I was a June bride. That was some honeymoon we had, one night in Brighton.'

They laughed.

‘Still, we made up for it on our anniversary.'

‘Two weeks in California, that can't be bad.'

‘It was magic. If I don't have another holiday I'll remember that for the rest of me days. Me going in a plane—mind you, I was scared stiff. I shut me eyes and hung on to that seat for grim death when it went up. Thought me life was gonner flash before me eyes. But it was really great. And all that sunshine and Disneyland—we was like a couple of kids.'

Although Janet had heard all this before she didn't stop Freda, as she said it had been a trip of a lifetime and she deserved something to remember and to talk about.

‘Yer know, Charlie ain't a bad old stick, a bit on the quiet side, but a good en.'

They both sat in silence for moment, reflecting on the past.

 

The day after the christening Paula said she wanted to go back to her own home. Janet wasn't happy about that but decided it was her life and she mustn't interfere.

‘I've got to learn to stand on my own two feet,' said Paula as she folded the washing.

‘But I love having you both here.'

‘I know. But just let me give it a try. Sue and Tina will have Janie when I go to the hospital, and my treatment's not for much longer.'

‘OK, but you will come back if it's too much for you, won't you?'

‘Of course.'

‘And leave any washing and ironing for me to do.'

‘Now that's what I call a good offer.'

‘Have you thought about what you're doing for Christmas?'

‘I must admit I've been too scared to do so up till now.'

‘Will you be going away?' asked Janet, dreading the answer.

‘No. I was hoping we could spend it with you.'

‘Yes, please. This will be the happiest Christmas of my life.'

‘And mine,' said Paula softly.

 

It had been settled that Paula would be going to Janet's on Christmas Eve, which this year fell on a Monday. She hadn't told Janet, but she was finding it hard to manage, what with night feeds and all the responsibility of being a new mother with a tiny baby. Also she felt constantly tired. Sue came round to give her a hand whenever she could, but Paula knew she had to learn to be independent. And in some ways she was pleased to go to the hospital for a rest even if she was being bombarded with radio waves.