Wishes and Tears (37 page)

Janet guessed that over the years, possibly because they had both lost their husbands, they had settled any differences they might have had, so why wouldn't her mother forgive her? ‘Thank you,' said Janet. ‘And if you feel you'd like to get in touch with me you have my address.' Janet looked at her fingers. ‘You will let me know if anything ...' She couldn't say the word.

Miss Baker smiled. ‘Of course, my dear.'

Janet and Paula left the house, with its smell of disinfectant, and walked out into the warm spring sunshine.

They sat in the car and Janet looked at the house.

‘Are you all right?'

Janet nodded. ‘You're right. She really doesn't know what she's missing.'

The page of Janet's reception appointment book announced the day to be Monday 31 March.

‘I wonder what today will bring,' she said to Mary, the young girl who shared the desk with her.

‘Same as always, I should think. Mums-to-be will be waddling in, and those that bring their kids will have 'em running all over the place with the other mums yelling and shouting at them to be quiet.'

Janet laughed. ‘That sounds about right.'

‘Did you see your daughter over the weekend?'

‘No. I don't like to keep going round there, in case I seem like an interfering old mother.'

‘I'm sure she doesn't think that. Her baby's lovely and she's getting on a treat.'

Janet smiled. ‘Yes, she is, and she's getting quite a weight.'

‘When you think what a tiny little thing she was.'

‘Yes.'

‘And Paula's looking well,' said Mary, gathering up the files.

‘I am worried about her back. It's giving her a lot of pain and for a couple of weeks now she's been off colour and a bit tetchy. D'you know, she even gave Sue a telling off for something ever so trivial, which is not like her.'

‘I can't imagine Paula being like that.'

‘She's been complaining that she's putting on a bit of weight.'

‘Aren't we all?'

‘It was her stomach she was going on about.'

‘But she got her figure back very quick.'

‘Yes, but you can see now she's having trouble fastening her skirts and trousers.'

‘Is she going back to work?'

‘Not yet. I don't really want her to, but she says she may have to. She's put her flat on the market and she is looking at a smaller house. That way she'll have a few thousand to live on, but it won't last for ever.'

‘The father doesn't help, then?'

‘No. She doesn't want him to.'

‘When's she looking at the house?'

‘Today. She's going with Sue.'

‘Where is it?'

‘Just up the road from Sue. Streatham way.'

‘It's nice round there.'

‘Yes, and it's not too far from me.'

The morning proceeded without any great traumas and it was lunch time when the phone rang.

Mary handed Janet the receiver. ‘It's for you. It's Sue.'

‘Hello, Sue, everything all right?' Janet was on her guard. Sue never phoned her at work, but nonetheless she was taken back when Sue told her Paula wasn't feeling very well and that she had called the doctor.

‘What's wrong?' she asked, trying to hide the panic in her voice.

‘I don't know. When I came round this morning she didn't want to go out. She keeps being sick and she looks terrible. We're waiting for her doctor. It seems she's been very sick all over the weekend.'

‘Why didn't she call me?'

‘You know Paula, she likes to be independent.'

‘Yes, but that's all very well if you're feeling all right.'

They discussed what they thought could be the matter and finally Janet said, ‘As soon as I finish I'll be round.'

‘I'll stay with her till then.'

‘Thanks.' Janet put the phone down.

Mary looked concerned. ‘What is it?'

‘I don't know. Paula's not feeling too good. I'm very worried.'

 

As soon as she could Janet left the hospital and rushed over to Paula's. Sue was still there and when she opened the door Janet could see Sue had been crying.

‘What is it? Has the doctor been?'

Sue nodded. ‘Come into the kitchen.'

Janet followed her.

‘Sit down.'

Janet did as she was told.

‘She may have to go back into hospital.'

Janet leapt to her feet. ‘Why?'

Sue took hold of Janet's hand. ‘First she's got to have some tests.'

‘Why?'

‘The doctor thinks it might be jaundice.'

‘Well, that's not too bad.'

‘Or,' Sue hesitated, ‘she said secondary cancer can't be ruled out.'

Janet felt her legs crumble. The room was swaying. She held on to the worktop. She wanted to be sick. She tried to let the words sink in. She wanted to scream out, No! No! It can't be true! Not my baby. Not my daughter. ‘But she had the all-clear just a short while ago.'

‘I know.'

‘The doctor must be wrong.'

‘Let's hope so.'

‘Janie. What will happen to Janie?' she gasped.

‘Don't worry. We'll make sure everything is taken care of. You go and see Paula. The doctor managed to get her in to see the specialist tomorrow.'

‘What can I say? Oh Sue, what has she done to deserve this?'

Sue had tears running down her cheeks. ‘If only we knew.'

‘Where is she?'

‘Upstairs. Lying down.'

When Janet walked into the darkened room she could see Paula was lying on top of the bed. Janet's movement made her look round.

‘Jan. Oh Jan, what am I going to do?'

Janet sat on the bed. Paula sat up and put her arms round her. ‘I don't want to die.'

Janet held her close. ‘You're not going to die. You have too much to live for.'

‘The doctor said—'

‘Shh. You've got to have some tests, so don't let's start being defeatist.'

‘When I go for the tests tomorrow, will you come with me?'

‘Of course.'

Paula sniffed and wiped her eyes. ‘Sue said she will have Janie.'

‘Now stop worrying about it. We will take care of everything. If you want I can stay the night with you.'

‘Thanks. I'd like that. I don't want to be on my own.'

‘You don't have to.'

‘I think I'll get up now.'

‘Are you sure?'

She nodded. ‘I'd better, but I feel so weak.'

‘Do you want something to eat?'

‘No, I keep being sick.'

When they moved to the kitchen Janet saw how yellow Paula looked. Janet silently prayed that her face hadn't revealed her emotions.

 

Once again Janet had a sleepless night. Over and over she prayed that the doctor was wrong about the cancer. She was thankful when morning came and she and Paula could do something positive.

After the tests at the hospital Paula and Janie came back to Janet's. All evening Paula and Janet tried to be cheerful but they both knew it was a sham. Neither would tell of her real fears. That night Janet lay listening for any sound that would give her the excuse to get up. Her mind was going over all what had happened that day.

First Paula had had blood tests, then more X-rays. Paula told Janet the doctor had prodded her stomach, then had told her it would be a day or two before they had the test results.

Then Sue, who was looking after Janie, had taken Paula for a cup of tea, while Janet had been asked to remain behind so the doctor could speak to her alone. Janet could recall his every word. They were pounding relentlessly in her head.

‘I'm afraid things don't look as good as I would have hoped,' he'd begun.

‘But you gave her the all-clear a short while ago. It can't be secondary, can it?'

‘It can happen very quickly.'

Janet had sat stunned while he'd told her he would let them know the outcome of the tests as soon as possible.

Now, she turned on her back. ‘Please let him be wrong. Please don't let it be ...' Her tears ran into her ears. Her mind was going over and over so many things ...

A sound disturbed her. Janie began to whimper. Janet leapt out of bed, disorientated. She must have dozed off. She didn't want Janie to disturb Paula.

Picking her granddaughter out of her cot she held her close and whispered soothing noises. ‘Come on, let's go down and get your bottle.' As she padded down the stairs she was surprised to see the kitchen light on.

‘Paula. What are you doing down here?'

‘I couldn't sleep.'

‘Are you in pain?'

Paula shook her head and held out her arms for her daughter. ‘I've taken the new painkillers.'

‘What about a sleeping pill?'

‘I don't fancy getting hooked on those.'

Janet was busy warming Janie's bottle. ‘It won't be long before we get the results.'

‘I don't want to know what they are going to tell me.'

‘Now how do we know it isn't good news?'

Paula took the bottle from Janet and popped it into Janie's eager mouth. ‘I think we both know the answer to that.'

‘You can't be sure.'

Paula smiled down on her daughter. ‘You're like a little bird in the nest, all you do is open your mouth and think about your tummy.' The tears fell gently on to Janie's face, causing her to blink. ‘Janet, please promise me that you'll look after Janie?'

‘I do wish you wouldn't talk like that.'

‘I must. I must know she'll be loved and brought up with plenty of love around her.'

‘You've nothing to fear there,' sniffed Janet.

‘I wish you had been around all my life.'

Janet stood up and walked to the sink. ‘So do I. Would you like a cup of tea?'

Paula nodded. ‘You are a wonderful mother.'

‘Don't.' Janet tried to laugh it off. ‘You'll have me blubbering all over the place.'

‘I'm so glad we've got to know each other.'

‘Come on now, back to bed. I'll finish seeing to Janie and then bring your tea up.'

‘I'll finish feeding her, then you can change her.'

‘Thanks. Why do I get all the rotten jobs?'

Paula looked up at her. ‘Can I call you Mum?'

Janet's throat felt tight and she swallowed hard. She wanted to throw her arms round Paula and hug her close but she would have squashed Janie. ‘I've waited all these years to hear that,' she said softly.

Paula gave her a smile that, despite her tiredness and pain, was radiant.

Janet knew this was a night she would remember for the rest of her days. The night she was finally accepted as Paula's mother.

 

When it was confirmed that the cancer was in Paula's bones and liver Janet knew she had to make the most of every precious day they had left together. She took extended leave from work and Paula and Janie moved into her house. The garden was looking lovely and on days when it was warm Paula would sit watching her baby trying to sit up when she was put on the grass.

Sue came in every day. Danny, Tina and Freda were told, and they would phone Sue almost daily for news. Sometimes, when they knew it was convenient, they would call in and always came with gifts or would take Janie out for an hour or so.

Janet had left it till the end of April before she wrote and told Mark the news. Soon after flowers had arrived from him, and every other week there was a letter. Janet had told him not to phone as she didn't like to talk in front of Paula. It seemed he phoned Danny every week for news.

Spring was giving way to summer. Mark had told Danny that he was coming over at the end of May to help his mother pack, as she was going to Canada. He said he wanted to see Janet but she had written to put him off.

‘When's Mark coming over?' asked Sue one day when she was busy preparing Janie's bottles. She knew he was due in England.

‘He's been and gone.'

‘What? Is that why Danny and Tina wanted you to go over to their place for the day last week?'

‘Who told you that?'

‘Tina told Paula and she said you'd refused.'

That statement worried Janet. ‘Did she know Mark was here?'

‘I don't think so, she didn't say. You should have gone. I would have managed here.'

‘I know. It's just that I don't want to leave her.'

‘I understand that, but you're stuck in day and night looking after them both. You look terrible.'

‘Thanks.'

‘You only go out for the shopping when I'm here.'

‘I know.'

‘Paula would be very upset if she knew that Mark had been here and you hadn't see him.'

‘She won't know, unless someone tells her.'

Sue smiled and put her arm round Janet's shoulders.

‘I can't leave her,' said Janet.

‘I bet Freda will have something to say about this.'

‘I expect she will.'

‘Will he be over here again?'

‘I shouldn't think so, not now his mother's in Canada.'

‘Looks like you've missed your chances again.'

Janet nodded. ‘Looks like it.' She shrugged and smiled. ‘You're beginning to sound like Freda.' She turned and looked through the kitchen window at Paula. She was lying back in the garden chair looking peaceful and relaxed in the warm sunshine. She even had a tan. Janie was in her pram waving her little brown legs in the air. Every now and again one would disappear as she put it in her mouth. It was such a wonderful tranquil sight nobody would guess the trauma that was being lived out. ‘She looks so well. You can't believe she's ... I wish the doctors were wrong.'