Wisdom Seeds (17 page)

“Denise,” I said trying to catch her eye, “we'll be back around eleven.”

“Oh, y'all take your time. We're going to watch the Muppets, eat Jell-O, color, and bang on some pots. This will be the best date I've had in months!”

“Thank you Denise.” I smiled from embarrassment.

“See cause, I know you got it girl. Here for just a few months, got a date and all that. Must be nice. She's a nice girl Jason, don't make me have to come looking for you.”

“I'll be a perfect gentleman.” Jason winked at her as he closed my door.

We drove off laughing and went to a local jazz club for dinner. My nervousness disappeared as quickly as it had come because Jason's personality was warm. Our conversation was easy and Jason didn't mind sharing about himself. I liked that. We laughed and talked about our dreams and goals.

On the way back to my apartment, after we picked up Josh, my anxiety returned. I was unsure of what I would do if Jason tried to kiss me. I wanted him to, but wasn't sure if I should, especially in front of Josh. He opened my door before getting Josh from the back seat.

“I'll carry him upstairs for you.”

Jason put Joshua on the couch.

“Thanks so much,” I smiled at him. “I had a great time.”

“What about him?” He looked over at Josh sleeping.

“I think he did, too!”

“Maybe we can do this again.”

“I'd like that.”

As Jason walked toward the door I forced myself to keep breathing. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

It was late, but I called Denise anyway. I had to tell someone about my date.

Over the next week I saw Jason every day. Christmas break was coming and I wanted more time to be with him. I wished we had met earlier in the semester.

Elaine agreed to keep Josh so I could go out with Jason again before leaving for Christmas break.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” He asked on our way to the restaurant.

“My plan is to leave by seven. I don't like driving at night. What about you?”

“I'm not sure, probably by noon. Can I call you over the holiday?”

“Yeah,” I could feel myself blushing. “I'd really like that.”

He pulled into the parking lot. “Do you have any plans for New Years?”

“No, just the usual – church and breakfast.”

“Can I interest you in coming back early so we can bring in the New Year?”

I was taken aback by his question. “Sure, I guess.” Mom was going to have a fit.

After dinner, Jason placed a beautifully wrapped box on the table. “Put this under your tree and open it Christmas
morning.”

“Thank you. You didn't have to.”

“I know, I wanted to.” He smiled and took my hand. “A special lady needs special gifts.”

We held hands all the way to Elaine's house. I felt special. That was the best present of all.

After he carried Josh inside my apartment, he went back to his car and presented me with three gift-wrapped boxes.

“This one is for you, too, and these are for Josh.”

“Well, we have something for you, too.” I handed him his gift.

He put the gift on the couch and kissed me. “Thank you,” he said still holding me. “You really didn't have to.”

“I know, I wanted to.” I tried to think of something that wasn't cliché, but my heart was beating too fast to supply adequate oxygen to my brain.

Mom met us in the driveway when I pulled up. “Nana,” Josh said pointing to her. Her eyes filled with tears and she hugged him after taking him out of his car seat. I decided to wait until later to let her know I'd be leaving on the thirtieth.

Rhonda came by the next morning before we were dressed. She was excited about being engaged and couldn't wait to show me her ring. I told her about Jason. Unsure of how to define him, I said we were friends. She promised to stop by on Christmas morning because she was already committed to spend the bulk of her day with Lance's family in Philly. I was truly happy for her. One day that would be me, I hoped.

Mom busied herself cooking even though we weren't
expecting company for Christmas.

“I'm cooking for the church dinner, too,” she informed me when I asked why she was preparing so much food. The church dinner was Christmas Eve, after the Cantata.

My dad was, as usual, hardly home. He spent his time taking Christmas gifts to his incarcerated, hospitalized and shut-in members. Mom made a pie or cake for each one of them. When she joined him, they looked like a picture perfect couple with my dad carrying all the packages and my mom as the smiling, meticulously dressed wife. I knew the routine well. He would publicly compliment her and be the perfect husband. No one would ever guess that they barely talked to each other at home. Their marriage had disintegrated into a public façade.

Joey called to let us know he would be spending the holiday in his first house – a brownstone in Brooklyn Heights. I called Noah on Christmas Eve to wish them happy holidays. He invited Josh and me to spend a few days with them – I took a rain check and promised to get to New York in the near future. Andrea and Alicia called to wish us happy holidays and Alicia reminded me to pick up my dress in January. I told them both about Jason, still describing him as a friend.

Mom bought Joshua the cutest outfit to wear to the Cantata. Navy wool shorts with argyle socks that matched his bow tie. She proudly showed him off to everyone at church and kept him on her lap the entire night. Her smile seemed genuine and she looked happy.

Christmas Day started out quiet and peaceful. We took rolls of pictures and Joshua still enjoyed unwrapping the gifts as much as the presents themselves.

Mom read the tag on Josh's gift. “Who's Jason?”

“Just a friend at school.” I tried to sound nonchalant.

“He must be a special friend,” she smiled. “There are two boxes with your name on them from him.”

The phone rang and I jumped up to get it. It was Jason. He wished me Merry Christmas and told me to open his gifts. I opened the little box first. It was a gold bracelet with a charm that said ‘#1 Mom'. I could see my mom smiling in the hall mirror as I talked on the phone. My bottom lip began to quiver and I was unable to thank him before the tears came. The bracelet was beautiful. Jason also gave me an Ohio State sweatshirt and signed the tag from Josh. He thanked me for the sweater I had given him. Time passed quickly and we talked for over an hour.

“Must be a special friend,” Mom teased when I hung up the phone.

I blushed. “He really is.”

“Anything else I should know?” Mom was probing.

“No, not yet,” I assured her. “When there is, I'll let you know!”

The doorbell rang and it was Rhonda and Lance. Mom served warm apple cider and pecan rolls while Rhonda and I exchanged gifts. Lance was very personable and by the time they left I felt like we were old friends. Mom approved of Lance, too.

My dad came back a little after two o'clock that afternoon and we sat down for an early dinner.

“How's school?” He asked across the table.

“Good,” I answered, grateful he didn't have a paper in his face. “I think I did well on my finals.”

“Are you okay for money?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I lied. “I'm just as well off as all the other grad students.” I hoped he would read between the lines. If he did, he didn't say.

My dad dominated the dinner conversation with
stories about the men in prison he had visited that morning. It never ceased to amaze me how involved he was in the lives of others. I wondered if he ever thought about being so involved in the lives of his family. He knew more about the inmates than he did his own sons.

After dinner Josh and I took a nap. Just to sleep was a treat. It was six o'clock when Josh got up and we went downstairs to watch television with Mom. The television was watching her sleep in the recliner.

Nana used to worry about my mom and now I was worried, too. It was blatantly apparent that she wasn't happy.

I shook her gently to wake her.

“Dani,” she said still leaning back in the chair with her eyes closed, “I want you to be happy.”

“I'm getting there,” I said sitting down at her feet. “I'm working on it.”

“I mean really happy. I want you to do the things you want and to have a good life.” Mom's tone was serious and solemn.

I didn't say anything. I wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about.

She opened her eyes and looked down at me. “I could have been a model.”

“Why weren't you?”

“It would have killed your dad.”

“Why?”

“He wanted me to be at home.”

“A lot of women work,” I said almost defensively.

“Love makes you do things.”

I was taken aback by the candidness of her comments.

“When you love you give your all,” she stated flatly. “People need to know they're loved. I've loved your daddy
since I was a teenager.” She paused. “And I've proven it everyday.”

Mom closed her eyes again. I assumed she was tired because she had been up late cooking for two days. I decided to let her sleep until we went upstairs. Curiosity made me smell her glass after I picked it up off the coffee table. The pink liquid didn't look like anything we had to drink in the refrigerator. I was mortified by the smell of wine and never knew my mother to drink. Questions flooded my mind. Did my dad know? How? Why? Where was Mom getting liquor without everyone in town knowing?

I thought about the conversation Mom and I had had in October. Mom was upset when I called and said some things that seemed out of character. She suspected Noah was smoking reefer and was afraid that Joey might turn out like Uncle Matt. Mom said she had failed and was sorry. She was also angry because she didn't feel that she received an equal return for what she had put into her marriage. When I talked to her the following day, she seemed fine. Mom never mentioned the conversation, so I didn't either.

As I walked past my dad's study to get a throw to put over my mother, I wanted to spit on the sign that read ‘Quiet Please, I'm conducting God's business'. I wanted to scream at him that his wife was drunk in the game room. Instead, I covered my mother and sat on the couch crying quietly while Josh watched television. Nana could help me, but she was gone. “God,” I whispered, “please help me.”

The hum of the television woke me. It was almost three o'clock when Josh and I went upstairs. I let Mom sleep hoping my dad would come down to see why she hadn't come up to bed.

Anxiety was already ruling my life and this was one more worry to add on top of taking care of Josh and getting through school. Tums were a regular part of my diet and
eating usually made me feel like I was having a heart attack. I was lying to my mom every time I told her no when she asked if I needed anything. I was perpetrating with my friends. I was failing as a mother because my son's diet consisted of Spaghetti O's, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and grilled cheese sandwiches. I was one step from welfare and keeping it together by a thread. I stared at the ceiling unable to go back to sleep. Four days had passed and I still hadn't mentioned leaving on the thirtieth.

Mom was scrambling eggs when I came downstairs later that morning. My heart palpitated as I rehearsed in my mind how to bring up the drinking. I couldn't do it. There was already so much pain in her life and she seemed to find some joy in being with Josh and me. I couldn't tarnish the holiday.

“Good morning,” she greeted me as I came in the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

I reached for a cup from the cabinet. “Just a little.”

“Eggs will be done in a minute. Is Josh up yet?”

“Not yet.” I sipped my coffee and took a deep breath. “Mom, I'm going back to Columbus on the thirtieth.”

“Are you meeting your friend Jason?”

“Well, sort of.” I didn't want to lie and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. “I have to get myself ready for classes.”

“And bring in the New Year with your friend Jason?” “Yes mother.” I could feel myself blushing. “I'm spending New Year's Eve with him.”

She put some eggs on a plate. “What about Josh?”

“Josh will be with us,” I said as I headed out the kitchen to get him.

After we ate, I called Jason. I needed to talk and he had a way of making me feel special. I wanted to tell him about my mother, but I didn't. I just let him flirt with me and
tell me how he couldn't wait to see me.

The snowstorm hadn't come as predicted and the thirtieth was a good traveling day. The sun glistened off the snow as I traveled through the mountains and the traffic was minimal. Josh and I made the trip in eight hours exactly.

Jason came over as soon as I called to let him know we were back. He kissed me when I opened the door. “I couldn't wait to see you,” he said still holding me. “How was the drive?”