Wisdom Seeds (14 page)

“You got a letter from Ohio State,” Mom yelled from the living room.

I wrapped Joshua in a towel and, still soaking wet, I opened the Ohio State letter. “I got in, I got in!” I yelled so loud it frightened Joshua and he began to cry.

Mom was at the door when I turned around. “I got in Mom, I got in!”

“I knew you would,” she said hugging me. “Congratulations.”

“Are you really happy for me?”

“Of course. You know I am.”

“But?”

“Now you'll be leaving,” she said half smiling. “You and Joshua.”

“Mom, you knew we couldn't stay forever.”

She took Joshua from me. “Sure you could have, but I know you need to go.”

The front door closed. “Guess I'll have to tell him,” I whispered to Mom.

“I'll get Joshua dressed.” She turned away from me and put Josh on the bed.

“I don't have to tell him right now,” I whispered in protest still holding the acceptance letter in my hand.

Mom glanced over her shoulder and gave me one of those looks.

“Okay, okay.” I started down the steps, practicing in my mind what to say.

He was standing at the counter reading the mail. His suit pants were perfectly creased even though they had to be wet. The rainwater beaded on top of his shoeshine. It was as if the rain did not dare to touch him.

“Gotta minute?” I asked leaning on the counter.

“Uh huh.” He replied without looking at me.

I took a deep breath and blurted out, “I got into grad school.”

“Congratulations.” Still no eye contact.

“Ohio State,” I added.

“That's a long commute.” He was being cynical.

“I'm moving to Columbus.”

“This is the first I've heard anything about this.” He finally looked at me.

“My acceptance letter came today. I'll be leaving in August.”

“Isn't that good news?” Mom interrupted from the top of the stairs. She was in my listening spot!

“I'm happy for you Danielle.” His tone was flat. “I didn't know you wanted to go to grad school.”

“Thanks.” I tried not to sound patronizing.

Over the next few weeks I second-guessed my decision to leave. I had no idea of what Mom would do without me. She often appeared depressed and I felt guilty taking her joy, her grandson, away from her. I thought about
Nana. Sometimes we may think we can't live without people, but we go on. I would go on and Mom would go on, too.

“Mom, we're going shopping,” I told her early one Saturday afternoon at the end of March.

She pretended to be engrossed in the crossword puzzle and looked up at me over her glasses. “Why don't you call Rhonda?”

“Because I want you to go. You can pick an outfit for Josh's first birthday party.”

“I can't believe he'll be one already.” She finally smiled.

“And, I couldn't have done it without you.” I hugged her as she got up from the table.

The Saturday afternoon sun peeked through the clouds to confirm that spring was right around the corner and even the temperature warmed up to forty-five degrees. I had taken my camera along and many memories were captured that day as we went through the mall, walked in the park and went to eat. Mom was happy and she laughed with her grandson and me. I saw a glimpse of the Judy that Nana told me about a long time ago – the carefree Judy that always smiled and carried a song in her heart.

Joshua's birthday party was the following Saturday afternoon. It was another bright sunny day and the buds on the annuals in the yard were preparing to bloom. Four of his playmates from the church nursery came to the party and my cousins surprised us. They arrived just after one o'clock with a carload of balloons, toys and a delivery slip for a racing car
bed. It was a perfect day – plenty of memories and plenty of film.

By the time I put Joshua down for a nap at four o'clock, he went right to sleep. If Andrea hadn't surprised me with tickets to Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, I would have taken a nap, too.

“Hurry up, girl,” Alicia whispered, peeking in the door. “Show starts at eight.”

“I just need to jump in the shower when Andrea gets out. I know what I'm wearing.”

“I thought you were in here trying to take a nap with the baby,” she teased.

“No, just getting his pajamas ready for tonight.”

Mom came into the room. “Go get yourself together. I know what to do.”

“I know Mom.” I put his pajamas on the dresser. “Thanks, again.”

We ran into traffic at the Holland Tunnel and by the time we parked it was seven-forty. We made a mad dash to the Royale Theatre and made it to our seats just as the lights were dimming.

At intermission, Andrea and I went to look at souvenirs in the lobby while Alicia went to the restroom.

“Annie, I really appreciate the treat,” I smiled at her.

“You deserve it,” she smiled back at me. “They say the first year is the hardest and you did it.”

“Danielle.” The voice was familiar. It was Tony. Almost three years had passed since he visited me at Penn State. He hugged me and I remembered his touch. “How are you?”

“Good,” I said hugging him back. “How are you?”

“Good, things are good. What brings you here?”

“Dreamcoat, and my cousins. Andrea this is Tony.” I introduced them. “What are you up to these days?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know.

“This is my fiancée Cathy.” He introduced us to the woman who walked up behind me. “Cathy, this is Danielle and, is it Andrea?”

“Hi,” I turned to shake her hand. “Congratulations.”

“I know you've got a husband somewhere.” He warmly smiled as he held Cathy's hand.

“No, not yet. I'm happy for you,” I lied. “I wish you the best. Nice meeting you Cathy.” I walked away and Andrea followed.

“Girl, who was that fine man?”

“Someone I met in West Virginia.” I tried to sound blasé.

“That's more than just someone,” she teased.

“He should have been,” I confessed, “but I blew it.”

“Girl, what?”

“Its' a long story I'll probably always regret,” I told her. “Let's not spoil the night, he's no longer available.”

The next few months were spent writing letters and making calls to secure housing and childcare at Ohio State. I called so often that I befriended a grad student working in the off-campus housing office named Denise. She was extremely helpful in finding me an apartment I could afford. I couldn't wait to actually meet her.

By June my living and daycare arrangements were settled. Denise sent pictures of my apartment with the name and phone number of the landlord. Mrs. Emma Thompson was a widow who had the second floor of her home renovated into an apartment. Her daughter had moved out almost a year ago after getting married. I called to tell Ms. Emma about Josh and she said she was looking forward to
having a baby around. I hoped she wasn't just trying to be nice, Joshua wasn't noisy, but he was busy.

My next hurdle was furniture. My time had been so absorbed in securing housing and daycare that I hadn't thought about anything to put in my apartment. Joshua had his bedroom so he would be okay. Mom gave me my bedroom set and the breakfast dinette, which took care of somewhere to eat and sleep. Those were the essentials and I would worry about the rest later. Time was moving quickly – it was already July.

The movers came on an overcast August morning and loaded our bedrooms, the dinette, all of Joshua's toys and our clothes. Watching them pull out of the driveway made it real – I was leaving the following Saturday. The wisdom seeds would need to be well rooted and growing; I was really going to need them. Being on my own and responsible for my son would require me to have good wits about myself.

Rhonda and I met for dinner after church on Sunday. The debt of appreciation was truly mine and my words were inadequate to thank her for everything she had been and done. At the age of twenty-one, she taught me about friendship and fashion. Totally conservative is how Rhonda described the way I dressed. All my gifts from her added color to the earth tones that controlled my closet. Orange, gold, red and lime were now among my favorite colors. I was wearing the orange shell Rhonda had given me for Christmas. She was wearing a lime green dress. We looked like LifeSavers!

We cried more than we ate, but we laughed a lot, too. Over the past two years we had shared good times that would bind our friendship forever. Joshua was lucky to have her for a Godmother.

“Thank you for everything,” I said handing her a gift bag. “You'll never know how much I appreciate you.”

“The pleasure has been mine.” She took my hand. “Just promise me distance won't. . .”

“It won't do anything,” I interrupted her. “I promise.”

“And I will be coming to Columbus,” she said smiling.

My bottom lip began to quiver. “I'm expecting it.”

She began to open the gift.

“You know, Rhon, I'm so sorry we didn't hang out in high school. You're the best friend I always wanted.”

“You probably wouldn't have liked me much then, I didn't really like myself too much,” she confessed.

“Then we would have had that in common, I didn't like me either.”

“You didn't act out like I did.” She paused and I sat allowing her to finish. “I messed up in school to get back at my dad for leaving us. I lied to my mom because she wouldn't stop loving my dad. I smoked weed and drank to numb my feelings. I was a mess.”

“Rhon, I'm so sorry, I never knew.” I squeezed her hand and before I knew it I was telling her about the hell I had lived. “I wasn't happy, it was all about approval from my dad. I knew everyone talked about my family because of my brothers and I knew everyone thought I was corny. I didn't have any friends, Rhon.” I couldn't stop the tears. “I was lonely and superficial with everyone. I was so afraid someone would find out what really went on behind the Allen doors, afraid they would find out how miserable everyone was. I was paranoid that people just wanted gossip and would use me to get it so I pretended to be happy in a world of my own – I was miserable.”

“You always looked so happy,” Rhonda stated through her own tears.

“It was a mask I learned to wear from my mother.” I wiped my eyes with my hand.

“You wore it well.” She handed me a Kleenex. “And you maintained your grades in the National Honor Society. Me, I was the queen of the DT society.”

“The DT society?” I inquired, still wiping my face.

“Yeah,” she faked a smile. “The Dick Teaser society - until Carlton won the bet that he'd be the first to have sex with me.” She turned away and buried her face in her hands. “I never planned on the pregnancy.” I sat next to her and put my arm around her. I listened intently because her words were barely audible between her sobs. “On the day I went to tell him, he told me it was just a bet. All the guys laughed and cheered him on – he had dethroned me. I never told him I was pregnant. My Aunt Veda let me use her medical card to get an abortion in Philly. I went on a drinking binge for about two weeks and then my dad died.”

“I remember.” I searched my purse for a tissue because I had used her last one. “It was a horrible accident.”

“I knew then I had to get it together. I didn't want to end up like him wrapped around a telephone pole.” Rhonda wiped her face. “I wanted to start over so I decided to go to college.”

“I'm sorry I missed the funeral.”

“It was sheer drama.” She tried to smile. “I made a fool of myself acting like the girl in Imitation of Life standing at the graveside, sorry I couldn't remember the last time I told my dad I loved him.”

We cried and I remembered what Nana said – tears were growing me. And they were – I had a true friend, I was on my way to grad school and I was becoming a person I liked.