Wisdom Seeds (21 page)

Jason's eyes followed me down the aisle and he mouthed ‘you're beautiful'. In an attempt to stop the tears, I bit my quivering bottom lip. As we took our place at the altar, my dad wiped my tears with his handkerchief. Jason took my hand and kissed it after my dad took his seat.

The ceremony began with Jason's cousin, Ira, singing Truly. He sang One In A Million as a duet with Denise and she also sang The Lord's Prayer. The Minister of Music, Dominique Shamah, serenaded us with I Believe in You and Me.

My parents invited the entire congregation to the wedding and a repast in the church fellowship hall. Our dinner guests joined us at the Crystal Palace Ballroom which Elaine decorated with white lilies and white taffeta bows. Everything was perfect, from the rehearsal to the ceremony.

Our wedding day was more than I ever imagined. Only Nana was missing.

Joshua stayed with my parents while Jason and I honeymooned in Bermuda. Neither of us had been to the islands and we were awestruck by their beauty. The clear blue water allowed us to see our feet no matter how far out we went. The sand was white and warm, the sun was hot and the people were friendly. We spent hours on the beach – sitting, talking, napping and once we tried to build a sandcastle. We rented motorbikes, went to the crystal caves, toured on a glass bottom boat and played with the dolphins at the aquarium.

On our last day, we watched the sun rise and set and let the changing tide bury our feet in the sand. The wisdom seeds had finally taken root and were growing. My life with Jason would be perfect and the seeds would bloom into beautiful flowers, just like Nana said they would.

The joy I felt when we arrived in Smithtown ended the next morning after I went downstairs to have coffee with my parents. My intention was to thank them for all they had done.

“Nice tan,” Mom said as I sat down. “Want some juice?” She poured the glass before I answered. “Is Rhonda bringing Josh or are you going to get him?”

“We'll get him,” I said sitting down next to my dad. “Bermuda is beautiful!” I pulled the paper down from in front of his face. “Dad, you and Mom should go for your anniversary.”

He put the paper down on the table. “I can't just take off for a week.”

“Sure you can,” I stated matter-of-factly. “Even the pastor needs a vacation and the pastor's wife deserves some time with her husband.” I was out on a limb and didn't care. “Mom wouldn't you like to go?”

“I guess it would be nice,” she said smiling. “David, we haven't been away in a long time,” she said looking at my dad. “I think we should.”

He sipped his coffee and mumbled, “Something to think about.”

“Good morning.” Jason hugged my mom as he came into the kitchen. He kissed me on the cheek and sat down between my dad and me. Mom handed him a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, Jason.” My dad finished the last of his toast and sipped his coffee. “I'm glad you're up. We have some things to discuss.”

“We do?” I almost choked on my apple juice because my dad's comment caught me off guard.

“Yes, we do,” he answered still looking at Jason. “What about Joshua? Have you thought about that?”

“What do you mean?” I was unsure of what my dad was implying. “Thought about what?”

“David,” Mom interrupted, “it's their life.”

“What will you do about Joshua's last name?” My dad finally looked at me. “Now that you're a Singleton, will he remain an Allen?” He turned to look at Jason.

“I'm adopting him.” Jason answered, maintaining eye contact with my dad. “I am his father and he will be a Singleton.”

“Is that it?” My dad's tone was patronizing. “What will you tell the boy about his real father?”

“David, don't do this!” Mom's tone was sharp even though her eyes filled with tears.

“Dad, that is unnecessary.” My voice raised as I stood to face my dad. “Jason is the only father he has ever
known and you know that. Greg made a choice three years ago not to have anything to do with him. Jason is his father.”

“So you're going to lie to him?”

“I mean no disrespect, Sir.” Jason held my hand as he addressed my dad. “We will do what is best for Joshua. I am his father and he will bear my name. Whatever we choose to tell him when he gets older is our decision.” Jason lightly squeezed my hand.

“Well, I will not lie to the boy. He needs to know who his real father is.”

Anger, pain and disappointment consumed me. I ran upstairs refusing to let my dad see me cry. Jason followed me and pulled me into his arms at the top of the steps.

“I hate him,” I blurted out before burying my face in his chest.

Jason was in the shower and I was sitting on the bed folding Josh's clothes when Mom came into the room.

“Dani, I'm sorry.” She sat next to me and I put my head on her shoulder.

“It's not you Mom, it's him. Why does he always mess everything up?”

“I wish you didn't have to leave so quickly. I was going to make lunch.”

“Mom, I can't take him. I have to go. We'll eat later.”

Her eyes were sad – just like I had seen them many times before. I hated having to leave, but my dad had tainted Jason's welcome to the family.

We stopped in Breezewood for lunch and then Joshua fell asleep in the car.

“What was that all about with your dad?” Jason asked.

“He can be just plain mean and evil,” I said sarcastically, being mindful to keep my voice down. “He's
hated me since I was pregnant. I was his third child that failed him.”

“Time moves on, people grow – you've changed.” Jason's tone was reassuring. He held my hand.

“Everything changes. My dad is the only one stuck somewhere in the past.” My tone was flippant. “He may choose not to move on, but I have.”

Jason wiped the tears from my face with his hand. I looked over at him and he smiled that same smile from the day we met on the elevator.

In September of 1985 we purchased a house on Felix Drive in the Southfield section of Columbus. It was a mixed residential neighborhood not far from what was once Rickenbacker Air Force Base. Many ex-military and government workers from the Defense Construction Supply Center also settled into the community with their young families. Jason and I agreed it would be a good place for Joshua to grow up. Like most of the families in the community, we attended Southfield Baptist Church and Josh participated in the Sunday school activities.

After being a substitute for almost a year, I was offered a Guidance Counselor position at a small private school. It was refreshing to work with students who wanted to learn. Parents were involved and supportive and students maintained a level of respect for the staff and each other. I welcomed the change and the job stability.

Our picture perfect life began to fade and I assumed God was punishing me when I couldn't get pregnant. After trying for more than a year I went to a fertility specialist. I was temporarily relieved when my test came back okay, yet unnerved because Dr. Fisher wanted to run a series of tests
on Jason. A few weeks later we sat nervously waiting to get the results. Jason was sterile – we would not be having any more children.

“I know you don't want Josh to be an only child,” he said as we sat on the back porch one evening. “I'm sorry.”

I tried to comfort him. “Jason don't blame yourself.”

“I want your life to be perfect.”

“It already is.” I held his hand against my cheek. “You make it perfect.”

We spent Thanksgiving in Ann Arbor with the Singleton's. Scott, Adrienne's fiancé, announced that he completed his dissertation and we celebrated with Sparkling Cider and cheesecake after dinner. Maureen and Ellis' news that they were expecting their first baby was over shadowed by Jason's news that he was sterile. I felt so helpless. My attempts to reassure Jason that my life was perfect were futile.

We arrived back in Columbus on Sunday and the first message on the answering machine was from Alicia and Dennis. Ashley Sharon Hines was born the day after Thanksgiving. I called to congratulate them and we mailed a layette package from Sears.

We decided to spend Christmas at home to begin creating our own traditions. We decorated the tree with gold ornaments and Jason held Josh up so he could put the star on top. Then we had hot chocolate after we lit the tree for the first time. On Christmas morning, one minute after midnight, Jason and I exchanged one gift. Then Jason wanted to make love in front of the tree but I was afraid Josh would wake up.

In spite of everything, life was good and I was happy. I often wished Nana were alive to see that I finally got it right. I was beginning to understand this game called life instead of being whipped by it.

Jason legally gave Josh his name when the adoption was finalized in February of 1986. That spring, Ellis, Jr. was born to Maureen and Ellis. We drove to Detroit for Easter to celebrate Josh's birthday and welcome the new addition to the family. We were back in Pittsburgh in May for Andrea and Harvey's wedding.

Yearly vacations were added to our family traditions and our first one was a week in New Orleans at the end of July. I was happily married with a beautiful son and doing the things I had longed for all of my life. We started every morning eating beignets in the French Quarter. We spent an afternoon listening to the jazz players on the street, we let Josh taste jambalaya and crawfish, and we took pictures on Bourbon Street. We were making memories. I began to understand the love Nana talked about. My life with Jason was more than I could have ever imagined. He loved me and Josh was our son.

Adrienne married Scott Nelson in August and we shared another memorable family weekend in Ann Arbor. We spent Labor Day in Cleveland at the Singleton family reunion. Alicia and Dennis moved to Raleigh in October. Dennis was from Florida and they wanted to be in the middle of their families. And, Alicia admitted, she hated winter. We went to Pittsburgh for her going away party. She was really going to be missed and I was glad Andrea was now married. They were so close and I knew living in different states would be an adjustment for both of them. Their relationship was like Maureen and Adrienne's; sometimes I was envious that I didn't have a sister.

Rhonda and Lance welcomed Angela Michelle on New Year's Day of 1987. We spent our family vacation at Disney World in July and in September Josh started first grade. He was growing up so fast.

In 1988 Corey Allen was born to Andrea and Harvey and Maureen and Ellis had the twins, Maurice Jay and Elise Jai. Christmas brought two more babies – Chase Jackson was born to Adrienne and Scott on December 23
^rd
and Cynthia Cherelle was born to Rhonda and Lance on December 26
^th
. Dennis, Jr. was born to Alicia and Dennis in 1989. In 1990 Monique Amirah was born to Maureen and Ellis and my niece Maisha had Aisha during her junior year in college in 1991. Rhonda and Lance's final attempt to have a boy in 1992 resulted in the twins, Victoria Lanelle and Veronica Janelle and that spring Tiffany Marie was born to Adrienne and Scott. It seemed like every year someone was having a baby. I could see the pain of failure in Jason's eyes. We talked about adopting – Jason felt it wasn't the same. My efforts to console him continued to be in vain. In Jason's eyes, our picture perfect lives were incomplete.

Our family vacation memories were growing and now included New York, San Francisco, Busch Gardens, Disney World, Baltimore and Martha's Vineyard. For our tenth anniversary we cruised to Jamaica. My mother, the Singleton's, Maureen and Adrienne and their families joined us in 1995 when we cruised to Puerto Rico. Life was good.

It was the summer of 1996 when our lives changed forever. We had returned from our family vacation in Virginia Beach and Jason had been offered a job in Milwaukee. We contemplated moving and even spent a week looking at houses and schools. It was the end of August when we found out Jason had colon cancer.

Damon, his best friend, flew to Columbus to be with us after we got the news. Colon cancer. Saying it was devastating. Damon urged us to develop a relationship with Jesus. He said that no matter what happened, we would never get through this without Him. He suggested we join a support group for cancer patients. I didn't want to join a
support group for dying people even though Damon insisted it would help both of us.

My in-laws were supportive in spite of their pain and Mrs. Singleton cried whenever we spoke on the phone. Mom cried every time I spoke with her on the phone, too. Both of them agreed we should seek comfort in the Lord. Our parents had tried, several times over the past twelve years, to get us to do more than just attend church regularly by submitting our lives to Jesus. It always seemed like something we would get to later.

Rhonda prayed with me over the phone and gave me scriptures to read. She and Lance had been Christians for almost five years and she encouraged me to get into a Bible study. Alicia and Andrea both volunteered to drop everything and do whatever I needed. I didn't know what I needed. I was numb.