Why Men Love Bitches (14 page)

For this reason, be careful how you set the tone in the beginning. Never start what you don’t want to continue. If you don’t want to cook every night, don’t start out cooking every night. If you don’t want to go to the grocery store all the time, don’t set the pattern of doing it all the time. Let him come your way.

In the beginning, men are so willing to make an impression, and this is why they are especially accommodating. This is precisely when you’ll want to help him form good habits. Later, when everything has been done for him, he’ll be too set in his ways to change.

For example, after a few dates you may find yourself standing under the arch of your front door, kissing him good night. It’s a moment to behold. The stars are twinkling, the moonlight is breathtaking, and you both look up to find a shooting star. He’ll barely notice your kitchen trash is under his left arm.

If a man offers to take you to lunch or dinner, let him. If he asks if he can bring over takeout, bring on the egg rolls. If he asks to get you something from the grocery store, let him pick up sorbet in the flavor you like. It isn’t about him paying the three dollars. It makes him happy to feel he’s meeting your needs. And it makes him feel as if he’s “driving that train.” Even though you really are.

The hardest lesson for the nice girl to learn is how to receive. Let him give to you, because part of his manhood is defined by feeling “responsible.”

The dumb fox doesn’t give up power, she simply creates the appearance that she does. And this very much helps her positioning power because she gets what she wants.

Here’s a classic example. A woman I know named Michelle told me about a man she’s seeing. On the second date, he asked her if she’d drive to his place. She was put on the spot and then pulled a dumb fox move. She ignored the request and very sweetly asked, “Would you prefer to get together another night? If tonight is inconvenient, I do understand.”

Michelle averted the question completely. She didn’t act upset or tell him what to do. She simply gave him a couple of alternatives, one of which is that she may not participate. Then she let
him
choose.

The beauty is that the dumb fox is agreeable, tactful, and always polite, so he thinks he’s in control (even though he isn’t). Even though the dumb fox
appears
oblivious, she is very aware. It’s no different than a successful business negotiation:

1. She doesn’t spell out where she’s coming from.
   
2. She’s prepared to walk away, if the terms aren’t favorable to her.
   

The dumb fox does both, without words. She negotiates with her willingness (or lack thereof) to participate. If the offer sounds good, she says, “I’d love to.” If the offer doesn’t sound good, she answers, “I’d love to, but I’m pooped.” She responds favorably when he behaves like a gentleman and backs off in a subtle way if his manners fall short.

Being dumb like a fox can also defuse a situation in which he is slightly disrespectful. For example, let’s say you’re waiting to be seated for dinner on your first date, and he puts his hand on your lower back—
very
low on your back—as in, any lower and he knows whether you prefer to wear a brief or a thong. All you need to do is play dumb, step aside as if it were a complete accident, and say, “Oops, excuse me.”

Another example happened with my friend Talia. She was at dinner and the waiter brought the check to the table. Her date made a joke to the waiter about giving the bill to her and then looked at her to get her reaction. She titled her head sideways and looked confused as if to suggest that she’s never heard anything like this before. Then she started to blink as though she might have been hallucinating.

The dumb fox doesn’t spell things out. The nice girl, on the other hand, makes the mistake of wearing her heart on her sleeve almost all the time. As one man named Paul said, “Women talk too much. If she’s upset, she’ll go on and on. I’d rather get into a ring with Mike Tyson for six rounds than hear a woman repeat herself over and over.”

Think about the last time a man spilled his guts. At first it feels like “bonding.” But the novelty wears off very quickly. Men want bonding, sure—
below
the waist.

The two-hour phone calls you love are a big mistake. He likes it the first time because he knows you’re interested. After that, he
hates
it. Don’t let conversations on the phone last too long. Don’t let yourself be perceived as a tiresome
obligation
. Keep the phone calls short and sweet—and he’ll never get tired of calling.

When you aren’t needy, you don’t require a play-by-play from the sidelines about the relationship. When you are secure with yourself, he
doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on you
. And when he doesn’t have a 100 percent hold on you, he eats out of your hand.

Eliminate the following words from your vocabulary:
We need to talk.
My friend Jeanette shared her observations on men with me: “You have to sneak up on them. Feed them, get them a beer, and then casually bring it up. Go through the back door. In and out—before they realize what has happened.”

When men talk to each other, they say their piece and then the other one responds. One nods. The other grunts. One takes a shot; the other buys him a beer. The most feedback he’ll get is a couple of sentences. Did you blink? The “bonding” has commenced.

Most men have a concentration threshold for the “mushy” stuff that lasts about two minutes. Right around the second minute, his mind will start to wander. He’ll be thinking, “Man, I’m getting hungry. I wonder what we’re having for dinner?”

The bitch communicates differently from the nice girl. A bitch tells it like it is in a matter-of-fact way and gets her point across succinctly. The nice girl wears her heart on her sleeve and pours out her guts. And what does he hear? Nothing at all. However, he does see her neediness, which eventually turns him off.

When you first meet a man, don’t overcompensate by doing all the talking. Don’t talk constantly
out of nervousness
. Keeping cool and quiet will give you more appeal, not to mention the ability to wield more power.

I was once on a date with a man I had just met. He began to share all the sordid details of his last relationship. I had no desire to listen, but I didn’t criticize him or make him feel “wrong.” I was polite. I simply asked, “So John, what’s your workload like at the office this week?”

The dumb fox does
not
ask, “May we change the subject?” Permission isn’t necessary.

The dumb fox also doesn’t tell him about her past relationships. You’re “a prize,” and you don’t have a long list of calamities to report. He doesn’t need to know that your ex-husband stole your appliances, is defaulting on his child support, and has a Mafioso brother who is doing time for racketeering. If he’s classy, he won’t be impressed that your last boyfriend is “still stalking you and can’t let go.”

If he asks about your ex, you say, “We went our separate ways.” Here’s another option: “We wanted different things.” The dumb fox relies on a “vague generality” when he asks for information that’s none of his business.

As far as what
you
disclose? Don’t volunteer bad information about yourself. He doesn’t need to know that you’re insecure about your thighs or that you haven’t been on a date in 7.2 months. Inquiring minds do
not
need to know.

Men automatically assume that, if you’re interested, you’ll do anything to “nail him down.” He immediately thinks you want “exclusivity” you want to break open the hope chest and have babies with him. It’s important for him to think you’re different: You are relaxed, secure, and happy
with him
or
without him
. This is known as the happy-go-lucky formula, described in Attraction Principle #42.

If you want to talk about your favorite ice cream, go for it. Traveling to Belize? Yes. Your problems at work or your disappointing visit to the fertility doctor? No.

It’s perfectly okay to leave some of his questions about you
unanswered
. In fact, it is advisable to do so. When all is said and done, a person shows you who he or she is. No one will come out and tell you. Therefore, what a person shows you with actions is the
only
language that matters.

Trivia question: Which guy scores more women: the guy who “flowers up” his intentions, or the guy who tells it like it is? The point is, if he has a hidden agenda the last thing he’ll do is spell it out for her. So it’s up to the fox to figure things out on her own.