Who We Were (11 page)

Seventeen

The party was loud. But it was on the lake, so no one would be calling the cops out here. We were so far from houses that it was almost like we were free to do whatever we wanted. I knew they had parties out here all the time, but I’d never attended. No one at Ridgeline would have ever invited me to a bonfire party. I never thought myself worthy enough anyway. But when I walked up the grass toward the party, I saw people staring at me, and I felt worthy at that moment. I had earned my way into this party; it felt fantastic.

Cara stood next to me as I scanned the busy crowd for anyone I knew. I didn’t see Kyleigh or Nolan yet, but I found a few girls that were in my class. I pulled Cara with me to greet them, and they found me a bottle of water.

“Here, Sadie,” one girl said as she handed me a hot dog. I looked up wondering where it came from and saw that there was a group of guys cooking on BBQs and swigging beers.
I took it and thanked her even though I had forgotten her name.

“Anytime. See you in a few months.” She didn’t know that I didn’t attend Alcott. She thought I was one of them. I didn’t have the heart to say any different, so I just said, “Yep. Enjoy the rest of your summer.”

I walked away from them and headed deeper into the crowd of people. Cara followed, but was scanning the crowd on her own.

That’s when I saw her, standing in front of Oliver and swaying to the song blaring out of the speakers.

Lily.

She caught my stare and smiled at me. She actually smiled! I broke free from Cara, who was talking to some guys now, and walked over to her. She stood taller and stopped dancing as I approached. Oliver didn’t even notice. He was too busy laughing and talking to his friends, Nash included.

“Hey,” I said when I got close enough.

“Hi. You look … beautiful. I like your dress.” She bit her lip; she did that when she was nervous.

“Thanks, Cara bought it for me.”

There was a strange pause when both of us looked away and out at the crazy crowd of people. I didn’t know what to say after I said hey.

So I just said what came to mind. “If you ever need me, just know you can always come to me. No matter what, ‘kay?”

She nodded, still biting her lip.

“Okay,” I said backing away. “Have fun tonight.”

“You too,” she whispered.

I turned and didn’t look back. She was with him, and she would stay there until she saw him for who he really was. It was reassuring to see her in one piece. I had checked her face for bruises, but didn’t see any. Thank God.

I found Cara talking to a girl that she graduated with. l didn’t want to interrupt, besides I didn’t plan on hanging out with my big sister all night.

I walked near the music and searched for Kyleigh. She loved the music so I was sure I’d find her here, but to no avail. I decided to text her.

Me: Hey! Where are you?

A few seconds later I got her response.

Kyleigh: Not there yet. C you soon.

That’s when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I swung around expecting Cara, but found Nolan. I was happy it was him. I reached over and pulled him into a hug, relieved to have a friend here with me.

“Sadie, you look …” he pulled away to inspect me. He looked me up and down and whistled. “Stunning,” he concluded with a grin.

“Thank you. You look pretty stunning yourself.”

He did too. He was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a light blue tank top. I’d never seen him dress so casual. I almost felt foolish that I dressed up.

“Come on, let’s go to the water,” he suggested pulling me through the crowd. “I want to tell you about my doctor’s visit.”

Oh my God. I forgot
!

He had told me that he was getting his check-up, and I hadn’t even called him to see how he was. I was so preoccupied with Oliver and Lily that I had forgotten my friend. It made me feel lousy.

We reached the water and Nolan stared out onto the horizon. The sun was setting and turning the sky a beautiful shade of orange.

“Nolan, I’m sorry that I didn’t call you yesterday to see how your check-up went,” I started. He turned and faced me then placed his finger on my lips.

“Shh,” he said. “I’m not mad at you. I knew I’d see you tonight, so no need to apologize. You’re here, and that’s all that matters to me.”

A stray piece of hair fell out of my braid as a gust of wind blew between us. Nolan took it in his fingers and placed it gently behind my ear. Chills went across my skin with his simple touch. His dark brown eyes bore into mine, and he leaned into me and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my head into his chest and worried.
Did he get bad results? Was the tumor back
?

Finally he said, “The results were clear. The tumor didn’t come back.”

Tears streamed down my face unexpectedly. I was so happy to finally hear some good news. My life had been full of drama and horrible stories lately, so just hearing something positive made me emotional.

“Are you … crying?” He asked pulling me from his chest. I nodded and wiped the tears.

“Happy tears,” I assured him.

But I wasn’t really sure if that was true or not. On one hand I was happy to hear the news about him and on the other I was so sad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other after this party. Sure people say they’re going to hang out, but life gets in the way. It was the same scenario I felt with Kyleigh; friendships don’t last unless you see each other on a regular basis.

Soon we won’t be seeing each other at school, and we’ll be busy. Before long we’ll grow apart. And maybe he’ll get a girlfriend and I’ll still be single. Because there wasn’t anyone at Ridgeline I wanted to date.

Does this mean I like him? Did I want to date him?

I wasn’t sure what it meant.

But at that exact moment, Nolan bent down and ran his fingers over the back of my neck and brought his lips to mine. Instead of fighting it, I let myself go and kissed him back. I fell into his rhythm as his kiss continued, and once he pulled away, I lost it. My eyes grew huge at the realization that Nolan had just kissed me.

I like it. A lot.

But we wouldn’t be attending the same school.
For some reason that really bothered me. Did I want Nolan as more than just a friend?

“Are you okay? I mean … is it okay that I just did that?” he asked looking worried.

“I … I don’t know.” I
didn’t
know, and I hated that I didn’t. I hated that I felt so awful about kissing him and so wonderful at the same time. What the hell was wrong with me?

Nolan was a great guy, the best.

He was probably the most gorgeous guy in this whole world to me. His beauty ran deeper than just on the surface.

I had known that from day one. But we’d started out on the wrong foot, and afterwards became friends. Were we rushing into it? Would it be too fast if we wanted it to be more? All these questions, and I had no answers.

“You don’t know?” He laughed. “Well, Sadie, I know. I know how I feel about you. I have known. I mean, I didn’t try to hide it.” He looked hurt.

“Nolan, I just don’t want to have some summer romance only to break up in the fall,” I admitted. He shook his head.

“No. I don’t believe you.”

I didn’t believe myself either for some reason.

“I … I don’t know what I want right now. I do know that I still want to be friends and maybe …”

“Friends,” he gasped. “Is this because of Nash? Are you still not over him?”

“No! This has nothing to do with Nash. I never really felt anything for him. I know that now,” I admitted.

“Oh. Well, then that makes perfect sense,” he said as he started backing away. “Because when you were into him, you basically fawned all over him. Drooling and staring. With me, you’re different. You’re yourself, except you’re not. If you’re not into me, just be honest.”

I shook my head and tried to grab him and shake him. I wanted him to understand that what I felt for Nash was only because he was charming, but I knew that would only confuse him further. I didn’t have the words to explain why Nash and I would never have happened. I wanted to tell him how even before the night at Clear, how I had felt off about Nash. Instead I just said, “I don’t know how I feel about you, Nolan. I wasn’t even sure if you liked me. I mean … if I had known sooner.”

I was not making this better. He still backed away from me.

“Sooner? When? When you were going on a date with Nash? I should have told you then? Sadie, there was never a chance until now,” he said sadly. “And now it’s over.”

My mouth fell open and my heart hurt so badly I could have sworn it was bleeding from the inside. He had stabbed me with his words, and I couldn’t do anything to ease the pain. I watched him walk away from me, but I didn’t run after him. I didn’t kiss him and tell him I felt the same, but that I was just scared. I couldn’t tell him any of this, but I wanted to.

***

I found Kyleigh by the picnic tables eating chips and drinking out of a red cup. I plopped down next to her and didn’t say a word. She perked up and hugged me.

“Hey, stranger. I’ve been here for a while now. Where ya been?”

I shrugged. “At the water with Nolan.” I stared off in the distance, not meeting Kyleigh’s eyes.

“With Nolan, huh? Doing a little kissy kissy?” she laughed.

I gave her a look, finally, and it must have said more than I meant it to because she put her cup and the chips down.

“Serious?”

I nodded.

“It’s about time,” she said as she picked up another chip and ate it.

“Wait? What do you mean by that?” I asked her.

“Oh, come on, Sadie. It was so apparent that you two are into each other. I was just waiting until the day you
finally
did something about it.”

How did she see something between us and I didn’t?

“It’s just that … I told him I didn’t know.” I reached for her cup and took a swig. It was pure alcohol. It stung badly going down my throat, but I needed it. I finished it and slammed the cup down. Kyleigh stared at me with shock. “What?” I asked with a shrug.

“You don’t know? What the hell don’t you know, Sadie?” She pulled the cup from my grasp and refilled it with a bottle in her bag.

“I don’t want to start a relationship with a guy I don’t go to school with. I really, honestly don’t know. I do know that once summer ends, so does my new friendships.” Her faced looked pained like I had just slapped her.

“Dude, Nolan Rylan is the best guy at Alcott, and you just turned him down. When I say that
, I mean it. He hasn’t dated any girls at our school, not because he’s too good for them, but because he hasn’t met the right one,” she informed me. “He’s sweet, and you just don’t know if you want to be in a relationship with possibly the best guy in our whole shitty town. I’d also like to declare that when summer ends, our friendship will still be there. I will put in my part if you put in yours.” She poked me in the chest.

“What do you want from me? I’m a little scared, okay?” I admitted.

“Okay, that’s better. It’s normal to be scared. But Sadie, you know how you feel about him. Deep inside you know. From the moment you met Nolan, you’re face has lit up. You started seeing Nash for what he was, and you even told me so.”

I did, didn’t I? I had told her that I didn’t trust Nash. And it did happen around the time that I met Nolan and started getting to know him.

“And besides, so what if you don’t go to Alcott? We live in the same town, duh! Do you realize how much you screwed up yet?” She asked as she handed me a water bottle. “No alcohol for you. Remember, you don’t drink?”

“I don’t drink.” I’d only just finished her whole cup of alcohol for her. I stood up and wobbled a bit.

“Yeah, I’ll say. Come on let’s find your sister, lightweight.”

I didn’t drink. I hated it. But after hurting Nolan I had a moment of weakness. And somehow I could see clearly with a slight buzz.
With my inhibitions gone, I could see just how badly I had screwed everything up. I could see how stupid I was to not tell Nolan that I cared for him too. As Kyleigh found Cara, I looked over at Lily and Oliver kissing and dancing. Maybe I didn’t want to move as fast as they did. Maybe that was why I didn’t tell Nolan how I felt.
No.

Was it because Nash hurt my feelings?
No.

I knew why, but I was afraid to answer myself. To admit that I had fallen in love with a boy in four short weeks. I was scared of myself. I was scared of who I was now that I had him in my life. It had changed me so much that I saw the world differently. Life is a fragile and precious gift. We lived here for such a short amount of time, and Nolan was proof that life was meant to be lived.

I would be living it alone without him if I didn’t do something about it, and soon. I had thought that I had to fight to save my friendship with Lily, but that wasn’t what I had to fight for. I saw now what I needed to save.