Where Words Fail (20 page)

The police came in and took my statement. James, Matt’s dad, stopped by to see me. He made it a point to tell me he was only there to see me. He was so upset that this happened again. As it sits right now Matt is going back to jail for breaking probation but new charges will be issued, and I might have to go through a trial all over again. Now that I am who I am I’m positive everything will be dragged out through the media, and I hate that.

Matt is still somewhere in this hospital. Evidently, Jameson did quite a number on him and his injuries are far more substantial than mine. And even though I know he’s cuffed to his bed and has an officer outside his door, it still makes me nervous. That’s part of the reason I’m glad Jameson is still here. I haven’t asked him to sleep with me since that first night. Even though everyone is telling me I am wrong, I feel like he’s going to leave as soon as I am well enough to go home. Like he’s waiting until I can actually watch him go before he does it this time. Alex says I’m being an idiot, because even if I don’t say it, he knows what I’m thinking. Fucking twin connection gets the best of me sometimes. Because sometimes, just sometimes, I’d like to have my brain be all mine.

So I’ll just sit here with Jameson, pretending he doesn’t matter, and pretending that it won’t kill me when he walks away. But that’s all it will be. Pretend.

Jameson

Have you ever watched the light go out in someone’s eyes? Like one second they were there, fully with you and the next, they are gone. Like, poof... Void of emotion, of life. That’s how these past few days have been. The first night Abby was in here was like watching a silent movie. All her emotions played out over her face. She was scared, sad, broken and those were just the ones I noticed before she realized I was there. When she saw me, her face shifted to relieved. The next morning the relief was replaced with terror, but that didn’t last long. Before too long, her face was void of everything.

I knew she was hiding on purpose. In that brief moment of terror, her face told me everything. She was scared that I was leaving. That what had happened the night before made me want to bolt. But she couldn’t be more wrong. She needs me more than ever even if she won’t admit it. I don’t plan on going anywhere... Ever.

It’s killing me not to sleep in the same bed as her, but she hasn’t even suggested it since the first night, and I’m not going to push her. So I sleep in the chair next to her. I scoot as close to her as I can, and I wait till she falls asleep before I lay my head on the edge of the bed and grab her hand. It might not be the most comfortable position, and I might wake up stiff as a board with a raging headache, but it’s worth it. She’s worth it.

                        
***
      
***
                              

It’s been two weeks since Abby was released from the hospital. Her face is mostly healed, at least on the outside. The bruises that were dark black and purple faded to brown and yellow and are now gone. The swelling is down completely, and she can see out of her eye again. The pain is still there though. Every time she moves her face in a way that her cheek moves, she winces, which causes more pain. My poor Abby, I wish like hell I could take all the pain away. She’s still not Abby though. She won’t talk to anyone except Izzy. She doesn’t eat a lot, and she barely sleeps.

I haven’t brought up the subject of what I heard that night. It’s been pressing on my mind, but I’m petrified to know the answers. I’m scared she’s going to withdraw even more than she already has in the past few weeks. Although it’s something I need to do, and I don’t know how. I hate not knowing how to do something, so I’m talking to Alex.

“God, Alex... I just don’t know what to do.” I scrubbed my hands over my face. The palms of my hands raking over the two day stubble I have yet to build the energy to shave off.

“She thinks it’s her fault. She’s scared that you’re going to leave. She’s welding her heart shut so it can’t be broken again. You can’t let her do that. You were already in before this shit went down. Abby’s the girl that wants it straight, even if it hurts.”

“Dude have you not seen her? If I dive into that subject, it’s going to break her even more. I don’t want to see her like that.”

“And if she’s hurt from the talk, she’ll break for a while yeah... But sooner or later she’ll be fine. She will do stupid shit. Drink too much. But Abby, being Abby, will come around. She knows you know. She’s just thinks you aren’t asking because you’re getting ready to run again.”

I shot up off the couch. “I’m not going anywhere! I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys that!”

“I know, Jameson. I get it. But it’s not me you have to convince...”

“How do you even know all this? She hasn’t talked to you either. It’s like she’s fuckin’ mute.”

Alex waved his hand in my face. “Uh, I could feed you a line of bullshit about it being a twin thing, but that’s not what it is. I’ve lived side by side with that girl for twenty four years, plus or minus a few months. I can tell what she’s thinking just by looking at her. But she knows and you need to confront it head on before she gets any worse.”

“Alright.” I nodded. “What do you suggest I do?”

Alex filled me in on his plan. It was simple, straightforward and totally something I could picture Abby loving. Alex would get everyone out of the house for the night. Tuesday was cooking dinner that hopefully I could convince her to eat, because let’s face it, I totally sucked at cooking anything but Ramen noodles and eggs. AJ and Jason were busy filling up the back of my truck with pillows and blankets. If everything went well I’d be spending my night with my arms wrapped around the girl of my dreams, camping out in the bed of my truck under the stars by the lake.

“Abby?” I rested my head against the door as I knocked, trying to work up the nerve for what I was trying to do. I heard her groan behind the door and pushed my way in. Her room was dark but with the streak of light from the hallway I could tell she was curled up on her side with a pillow covering her face. If I wasn’t aware of how damaged she was right now, I’d think she was playing as she laid there in her shorts and tank top with her head covered.

I walked in and flipped the light on, causing her to groan again and made my way to her dresser. Searching till I found what I was looking for, I threw a pair of jeans and a shirt onto the bed, along with a pair of underwear and a bra and I grabbed her legs. I yanked on her till she was straight in front of me, thrashing all the way.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She screamed. I was pleased, because it was the exact response I was going for. Hell, it was the most I have heard come out of her mouth at once since all this shit happened.

“Get your pretty little ass out of bed right this second. Put those clothes on and meet me downstairs.”
      
“Yeah... How about I don’t. Please leave.” Her eyes pleaded with me, and I almost gave in... Almost.

“Babe, you have ten minutes to get that gorgeous little ass downstairs or I’m going to come back in here and I will strip you naked and as hard as it’ll be, I’ll put those fuckin’ clothes on you, throw you over my shoulder and carry you down there myself. Do. You. Understand?” Her eyes heated for a second before she caught herself and tampered it down. It wasn’t fast enough though. Abby narrowed her eyes at me and grabbed the jeans that were lying next to her and pointed at the door. I nodded and turned around. Thumping my fist against the door I smiled and reminded her. “Ten minutes.”

I gave Abby her ten minutes, plus two. I was feeling generous, and she was upset. I hate seeing her upset. But she finally showed up. Her hair was haphazardly thrown up on top of her head, and she was wearing the clothes I threw on top of her bed. She was leaning against the kitchen archway with her hands covered with her sleeves, arms crossed over her chest protectively. Her eyes stared at a spot on the floor as she spoke to me. “Ok, asshole... I’m dressed. Now tell me why the fuck I’m out of my bed.

“Good to see you too, babe. I’m so glad you finally decided to join me.” I joked. I knew it wasn’t the time but it’s how I dealt with shit.

“What the hell do you want?”

“I have questions. You have answers.” She stiffened, and her eyes swept up to mine before dropping back to the spot on the floor. “But I’m going to tell you something first. In order to tell you that, I need you here.” I pointed to the spot directly in front of me, close enough to touch her. She didn’t move. “It isn’t an option Abby. You. Here. Now.”

Her eyes lifted and locked onto mine as she made her way to the spot I had pointed out. When she stopped, her eyes wanted to drop back down to the floor, but she forced herself to keep eye contact.

“Are you going to answer my questions?”

“Yes sir,” she answered and I groaned. Either she was fucking with me, or she didn’t realize what she had said. Either way it took everything in me not to bend her over the kitchen island right then and there.

Clearing my throat, I continued. “Good girl. Now back to what I had to tell you. Before I ask you any questions, I need you to understand one thing. No matter what you tell me, I am not leaving. Nothing you can say is going to make me want you any less than I do. Everything that happened a few weeks ago doesn’t make you weak. Hell, baby... You’re the strongest person I know. Do you understand?” The corners of her eyes were filled with tears but her eyes still never left mine. She nodded, and I brushed my fingers over her cheek needing some sort of contact. Two weeks has been too long since I’ve touched her at all. “Why are you so scared of me leaving?”

“Because...” Vague fucking answer... I don’t fucking think so.

“Fuck the one word answer babe. I want the reasons.”

She took a shaky breath. “Because the last time nearly killed me. This time it probably would. I can’t keep myself from loving you. I don’t want to but... God I don’t know... It’s like, when you’re around, I have a hard time figuring shit out. I want you, but I don’t want to be hurt and it’s easier just to push you away than to be broken again.”

I couldn’t dwell on her answer too much because I knew if I did then I was going to forget about my other question.

“I heard your fight with Matt…” Abby visibly flinched from just hearing his name. “What did he mean when he said you killed a baby?”

“I... I was pregnant,” she whispered. She backed away from me and sat in the chair at the table. Facing away from me, I could just barely make out that she was wringing her hands together. I stayed standing where I was, figuring she needed the space to get through this answer. Tears were streaking down her face before all the words started pouring out of her mouth. “I found out the day you left. I was so scared of telling you, but I had to... At least I thought I had to. Until I found out you had left. I cried for days. I cried for me, for what I lost. Then I cried for my baby... Our baby, for what they would never have.

“I cried until the anger came, and then I was so mad at you for leaving. You know, I thought for all these years that you just left. That I wasn’t good enough for you. Then I found out I was six weeks pregnant. I was fifteen, scared shitless and alone. But I was going to do it. It was a piece of you I would have with me forever. Alex was the only one who knew. He said he would help me through it. I didn’t even tell AJ. I picked myself up and tried to be strong for our baby. Sadly, when I was fourteen weeks along, I miscarried. The doctors said it wasn’t anything I did. But I knew better. It was my fault. Everything I’ve ever loved leaves me. My parents, you, our baby... Now Alex is dying. I figure I’m being punished for something.

“I was so upset when I lost the baby that I finally went off the deep end. I started drinking and partying to keep myself from crying and missing you. Ha!” She laughed bitterly. “That didn’t work. I’d end up a blubbering drunken mess and someone would say something, I’d get pissed and start shit, and then I’d end up in jail. That cycle went on for like a year and a half. That was when I met... Matt. And well, we all see how well that worked out for me.”

I didn’t know what to say. There weren’t enough words to express what I was feeling. My heart was breaking for the girl I loved, for the baby I never had a chance to know and for the life we never had a chance to experience. I was falling apart over the fact that I wasn’t there for her during this and even more so over the fact that she thought it was her fault.

Abby