Where Words Fail (18 page)

Today, they’re sitting on the porch swing, and he’s trying to teach her how to switch chords to get the song they are playing. It’s not something I recognize so I’m kinda wondering if he’s just making it up as he goes. Either way it sounds amazing. I think he likes hanging out with her as much as she likes being with him. I just hope he doesn’t split again.

“Hey, whatcha doing?” Alex perched himself next to me on the counter.

“Well, I was doing dishes but I got wrapped up in those two.” I lifted my chin towards the window.

“How are things between you guys?”

“Same. He’s keeping to the just friend’s thing for now. I know he wants more. I think I do too. I’m just afraid is all?”

“Sometimes you just gotta jump in and not sit on the sidelines all the time. I’m scared too, of everything Abby, but I’m not going to let the fact that I don’t know how much longer I have hinder what I’m going to do anymore. Hell, I might go jump out of a plane tomorrow, who knows.”

“Yeah, but Alex it wouldn’t just be me getting hurt this time.” I pointed towards where Jameson and Izzy were sitting. Their conversation had switched from the song they were playing into just talking, and it was drifting through the open window.

“Hey Jameson... I gotta question.” Izzy turned the guitar onto its back in her lap and was running her fingers up and down the strings, keeping her focus there.

“What’s up, beautiful?” He was relaxed on the swing with one arm slung around Izzy and the other hand running through his unruly hair.

“My dad’s super sick you know and I’m not sure he’s going to get better. Will you be my new dad after my dad is gone?” Alex slid off the counter with a depressed look on his face and headed towards the door to interrupt them, but I grabbed his sleeve and whispered to him just to stay still and listen. I wanted to know what Jameson was going to say.

“Oh Izzy, come here.” He slid the guitar onto the porch and pulled her into his lap. His eyebrows pinched together as he tried to figure out what to tell her.

“It’s just... I love my daddy a whole lot and if he isn’t here to take care of me then it’s just Aunnie Abby and me and I think she’ll be sad if she’s alone. And I know you love her bunches so I just thought maybe you could love me too and...” Jameson put his finger over Izzy’s lips to silence her rambling and kissed her temple. When I looked at Alex, he had the same confused scrunched up look as Jameson, but he gave me a sad smile and hugged me from behind.

“Alright Miss Izzy you want the truth right?” She nodded her head vigorously. “So here’s what I think. I know your dad’s real sick. We’ve been talking about it. But no one quite knows what’s going to happen yet. If something does happen, then yeah, that leaves you with Auntie Abby. But it also leaves you with Auntie Tuesday and Uncle AJ and Uncle Jason.

“As for me being your new dad... You gotta listen close on this one...” I held my breath hoping he would say the right thing to ease her fears as well as Alex’s fear of being replaced. “Your dad is a great dad. There’s no replacing him, Izzy. He loves you so much, more than anyone could ever describe. And you’re right. I do love Abby with my whole heart, so I’m going to be there to help her if she will let me. Which means, I’ll be there to help you too. So, if you want me to help you do the stuff your dad used to if he’s not here, then I will. But nobody should ever try to take your daddy’s place.  How about I be your Uncle Jameson and we’ll take care of each other?”

I exhaled hard. I didn’t realize I was still holding my breath. Never in my entire life could I have prepared myself for that question. I thought Alex was going to have a heart attack just waiting for the words to tumble out of Jameson’s mouth. His answer was perfect.
 

“Alright, now I have a question for you little girl.”
“What?”

“What’s with all the high fives? I mean I love getting ‘em but I don’t know what they’re for!” Izzy giggled and high fived him again causing Jameson to laugh as well. It was deep and throaty and totally Jameson. It was hot.

“Boy you’re not very smart are you?”

“Well, I have my days...”

“I high five you when Aunnie Abby lets you touch her. She’s falling in l.o.v.e with yooou...” Izzy giggled as she punctuated the spelling of love with her fingers poking into Jameson’s chest. Then she kissed him on the cheek and slid off his lap. Jameson chuckled, grabbed the guitar up and started playing again.

My face was burning from embarrassment. How in the hell did I not realize that? I can’t freakin’ believe that Izzy picked up on that, and I didn’t even notice. Every morning at breakfast she’d high five him knowing where I had been. She knew he kept my nightmares away. Every time he would hug me, every time he made me laugh, the day we got home from GMA. She high fived him. I wonder if she even knew what happened on that plane.

Alex chuckled beside me. “So, since your six year old niece knows you’re in love with him, when are you going to admit it?”

“It’s not that easy Alex and you know it. He knows I love him, I told him I did that night I got drunk. It’s just not... It’s not that easy,” I whispered, not wanting Jameson to hear us like we just heard him.

“Yes it is... What’s going to be hard is regretting not spending every second with him that you can. He fucked up. He’s sorry. He doesn’t plan on leaving you again so figure your shit out. Life doesn’t last forever... If you haven’t noticed.” He waved his hand around his body. He’s right, it doesn’t last forever. Since we’ve been home, Alex has lost even more weight and was constantly sore or sick.

“Ok, alright you’re right Alex... I’m sorry I didn’t even think about it like that. I’ll figure my shit out.” I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek and made my way to my bedroom but looked back over my shoulder and told him I loved him.

Who knows how many time more times I’ll be able to tell him that. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Jameson

Females are going to be the death of me. Thank God I love them. Well, the two here anyway and Tuesday’s climbing onto the love list too. Except with Tuesday it’s more of a love like a sister type than the type of love I feel for Izzy and Abby. Tuesday’s been on my ass to make a move on Abby since we played on Good Morning America. But I can’t bring myself to do it. It might make me a pansy for not doing it but I’m afraid if I do it too soon, then I’m going to drive her further away.

So I’ll wait till I’m positive she’s ready. Which, according to Izzy she’s getting there. I didn’t even realize she was letting me hug and touch her so often. But since Izzy’s high fiving me to let me know, I’m going to have to start paying more attention.

I love spending time with Izzy. She totally keeps me on my toes. Today, out on the swing with her, I was teaching her how to play the song I had been writing about Abby while we were on tour. She was doing really well too, until she got sidetracked with that question.

How the hell am I supposed to answer that? There’s no way I could replace Alex. He’s an amazing dad, and I’m just... Not. I never even considered becoming a father after I left Abby. We had talked about being parents when we were older, but well, I fucked that up big time. Maybe it’s not too late though.

But being Izzy’s dad? No, I wouldn’t let anyone take Alex’s place as long as I was around.

I couldn’t do that to Abby she’s come a long way from hating me to actually talking to me and I won’t let anything change that. It’s great to know I have him on my side as well. Well, as long as I don’t hurt her again.

I kicked back on the swing, tugging my hand through my hair while I thought. I can feel the change in the weather coming, it smells like rain. I love it. It cleans everything and makes everything seem ok. I wish I could make it rain over my past. I’d kill to make everything better.

“Hey.” I turned my head towards the door, and it took me a second to realize I wasn’t dreaming. Abby was standing in the doorway looking awfully shy as she tucked her hair behind her ear. God she’s fucking beautiful. How my dumbass ever got to be with her in the first place is beyond me.

I smiled at her. “Hey babe.” She pointed at the swing and asked if she could join me, so I swung my legs out in front of me but left my arm resting over the back. She climbed up and tucked her legs under her.

“I just wanted to thank you... For you know... Everything.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I just realized I never said thank you. For playing in the band, for helping so much with Izzy, for calming me down with the whole Matt shit going on... For, uh, making me feel safe.” Abby cleared her throat. She was trying hard not to sound awkward, and I was trying not to laugh at her. Everything she’s thanking me for was nothing. I’d do anything to help her and make her happy. The hair she had tucked behind her ear had fallen again so I pushed it back and lingered longer than necessary. When she noticed she grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine and began running her thumb over my palm.

“First of all, you shouldn’t be thanking me for playing in the band. I should be thanking you guys. It’s been the opportunity of a lifetime. As for Izzy, I’m not going to lie but I kinda totally love her. She’s amazing. Kind of like her Aunt.” She dipped her head down and rested it on the back of the swing and continued to stare at me. I could tell by the look in those deep green eyes that she was trying to figure out something. “I wouldn’t have to calm you down from Matt being a douche if I hadn’t fucked up all those years ago. And as for keeping you safe... Abby, I’d do anything to make you feel that way. I always want you to feel safe with me.”

It had started raining. I could feel it trickling down my back, but I didn’t care. I was with Abby, she was holding my hand, and I didn’t think it could get any better. We were just staring at each other until we heard the door open.

Abby

Abby-still up?

Jameson-Yeah, babe... doors always open for you...

Abby-Be right over

Jameson-it’s still raining why don’t I come to you?

Abby-I like it over there. It’s just a bit of rain... I don’t mind getting wet ;)

Um... Did I just make a sexual innuendo towards Jameson? With a freaking winky face? Shit, my resolve is dwindling. Maybe I should just give in and let the cards fall. After all, Alex made sense with his whole ‘life doesn’t last forever’ shit.

Jameson-not gunna lie... seeing you wet twice in one day would be awesome. You’re hot when you’re all wet… ;)

Yup, there it is. The easy banter that was always there between us when we were younger. He started it back up when he tied my shirt up that day but dropped it after thinking he had crossed a line. I’ve missed it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have texted Jameson to ask him to come over tonight. Maybe if I had just waited a bit longer then Allen might be making his rounds around this side of the barn. Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be standing face to face with my worst nightmare in the pouring rain in the middle of the night.

Everything was black, and the only light around us was from the porch light, but that was only helpful in making his features sharper. His eyes were dark and cold, and I could just make out the tick in his jaw as he clamped his jaw closed. He looked evil. Hell, who was I kidding? He was the devil, and he was standing in front of me.

“Matt...” My blood ran cold as his name slipped from my lips in a whisper.

“Miss me baby?” When I didn’t answer he laughed. It was a harsh and bitter sound. “It’s been awhile.”

“Not long enough.” I sneered.

“Oh Abigail. Is that any way to treat me? I mean after everything I did for you...”

That right there, my name falling out of his mouth caused me to want to vomit. It’s the reason I never want to be called it. It was like a punch to the gut, or in my case, a head to a kitchen sink every time I heard it.

“What do you want?”

“I want what’s rightfully mine.” He watched as I pushed my sopping wet tangled red hair out of my face before his eyes traveled over my body. My tank top and shorts were clinging to me from being so wet, and even with those clothes on, I’ve never felt so naked.