What We Search For (20 page)

“I do. Yes.
I’ve never felt like I have when I’m around her.” I replied.

“Is that love
though? Or is that lust? She’s a beautiful girl after all.” He questioned
seriously.

“Honestly Chris, I’m not
sure if I’ve ever been ‘in love’ in my life. I don’t know if there’s a generic
feeling everyone has which they label love, but I’ve lusted after women before
and this is not that feeling.” I said, lost in my words, “It’s like when I wake
up in the morning, my first thoughts are of her. When I’m with her, I feel
sensations like never before. Butterflies in my stomach and tingles down my
spine. Electricity runs all throughout my body when she touches me. It’s like
I’m floating in space when I look into her eyes. Her smile melts through me,
like a hot knife through butter. Yes, she’s one of the most beautiful women
I’ve ever met, and I don’t want to live without her…” I said drifting off my
voice still full of emotion.

“Yeah let’s call that
love.” Chris said with a chuckle, “Just be careful! You need to try to keep
things moving slowly, but in the right direction.” He said with a knowing
smile.

“I appreciate the advice
Chris.” I said patting him on the back, “I’ll have to think this through some more
before I call her.” I added. Finishing our drinks we shook hands and I left the
pub.

I walked aimlessly trying
to figure out my next move until I decided I just had to call Amanda. There was
nothing more to it, I thought as I reached for the phone. “Hey.” She answered.

“Hey.” I replied.

“How are you?” She asked
as I walked towards a bench.

“I’m alright. I guess. I’d
like to talk to you about something if you’ve got a few minutes?” I asked as I
sat down, my heart was racing and my palms were sweaty.

“Of course! What’s up?”
She replied.

“It’s kind of hard for me
to bring up honestly.” I started slowly, “You know how we haven’t really been
talking much recently… Is there something I’ve done wrong to make you want to
not talk to me as much?” I asked with my heart in my mouth. After a moment’s
pause.

“What do you mean?” She
asked, with a hint of concern.

“Well. I don’t know. It’s
just… I’m hardly talking to you anymore.” I started, “I want to be with you so
badly.  This long distance stuff is driving me crazy.” I said, with a mixture
of emotions. Frustration was starting the get the better of me, “I love you
Amanda. Long distance is killing me.” I added, my voice almost breaking. Amanda
was quiet for a long moment this time.

“I love you too James. I
didn’t know you felt this way about long distance though. Why didn’t you say
something earlier?” She asked, concern now heavily laced her voice.

“I didn’t know what to
say.” I replied slowly. Frustration clear in my voice, “What are we going to
do?” I added, my voice raising with each word, “I just can’t do long distance
anymore!” I finally shouted angrily.

We were silent. I could
hear her breathing through the phone until finally she said something.

“If that’s how you feel
about it…. I didn’t realize it was so hard for you. Maybe we should have a
break to think about this all.” She added quietly. Dangerously.

“But-.” I said, however I
was cut off.

“I’m sorry James. Maybe
this is for the best if you’re having so much trouble.” She said, in tones
brooking no argument.

“Oh.” Was all I could say.
My heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. My head was spinning. I saw black
spots as I looked at the palms of my hands.

“I have to go. I’ll call
you later sometime. Okay?” She said, I was still reeling and it took her
repeating herself for me to finally hear her properly.

“Um. Okay.” I said dumbly,
and she hung up the phone.

I sat on that bench for a
very long time. I cursed myself an idiot and much worse over and over again.
Replaying the conversation in my head thousands of times I realized I had let
my frustration get the better of me. I ignored all of the advice I had been
given.

My panic and over thinking
had caused this entirely. Initially I had set out to just have a chat about
wanting to talk more and instead I had scared her away from me.

Letting out a sigh, I
stood up. Head held low I walked to the closest pub. Ordering myself a shot and
a beer I delved deep into the cups as I let my mind torture me over and over
with my stupidity.

My head rested against the
bar as I waved over the bartender. “Another please.” I mumbled. After a
moment’s thought he shook his head.

“Sorry, but you’ve had
enough tonight. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off.” He said, as he walked
away.

Pounding my fist on the
bar, “Another!” I shouted, this time causing the rest of the patrons to look
over to me. The bar tender returned with a frustrated look across his face.

“You’re cut off. Shouting
about it won’t help. You should probably leave.” He said angrily. Just as I was
about to say something a hand fell on my shoulder.

“I’ll look after him.”
Someone said. Looking around slowly, I could see Sam standing there with a
concerned look. He was talking to the bartender.

“I’m fine.” I blurted out.

“No. You’re not.” He
replied, still having his hand on my shoulder, “Let me take you home James.” He
said gently.

“I don’t want to go home.”
I sulked. Helping me up he put his arm around my shoulder as I struggled my way
to my feet.

“Let’s go see Chris then,
eh?” He asked as we walked towards the door.

“Yeah.” I replied bluntly.

Along the walk I stumbled
a few times but Sam’s arm held me steady. As we walked I heard him talking on
the phone to Chris, and after a time we found ourselves at his door. Letting us
in, he helped guide me to the couch, and went to get me a glass of water.
Handing it to me, he supervised me until I drank it all.

Sitting down he looked at
Sam questioningly, but Sam only shrugged. “What happened?” He asked softly as
he watched me intently.

“Called Amanda.” I said
with a slur.

“Didn’t go so well?” He
questioned me in relaxed tones.

“Nup.” I replied, my head
dropping against the couch as my eyes closed.

“Don’t sleep yet!” Chris
exclaimed as he jumped up and rushed to fill another glass of water. This time
a very large one. “Drink.” He said as he proffered the glass in front of my
face.

Taking a few sips I tried
to refuse more, but he forced me to continue drinking until I had finished all
of it. As he took the glass away, I fell sideways with my head landing on the
arm of the couch.

My eyes closed and I
drifted off to sleep as I heard someone saying, “Poor bastard. We’re going to
have to keep an eye on him if he’s taking it this hard already.” And I fell
asleep.

Chris woke me up in the
morning to check on me handing me another glass of water in the process. “You
were out of it last night. What happened?” He asked curiously. Sitting up
slowly I considered my answer.

“I got angry, and now
Amanda wants to have a break. That’s about it.” I said despairingly.

“A break huh. I know all
about that.” Chris said patting me on the back, “It took me a long time to
realize I needed to take it easy when I was trying to be with someone. It’s far
too easy to scare someone away, especially at the start.” He said slowly, “You
know our problem? Deep down we’re romantics and we want to believe in love at
first sight, and everything that comes with it. Like a happily ever after.” He
said sensitively, “Sometimes it just doesn’t work like that, especially
straight away.” He added in a whisper as his eyes took on a distant look.

I sighed in response and
drank deeply from the water. I wasn’t as hung over as I thought I should be.
Probably due to Chris force feeding me water the night before.

“I went overboard last
night. I know that. Didn’t know what else to do so I went and had a drink, and
just kept drinking. I’m not going to give up on her, but I’ll have to take a
different approach. In my anger and frustration I let out the truth. I can’t do
long distance. It just isn't good enough.” I said decisively.

“What are you thinking?”
Chris asked.

“I’m thinking I need to go
and see her again.” I answered resolutely.

“Wait up! Whoa! Hold on
just a minute. If you just show up at her door how do you think that would
look?” He asked in worrying tones.

“I know it sounds crazy,
but how could I expect to sort this out over the phone? I won’t go straight
away.” I said firmly.

“I won’t try and tell you
what to do it’s your life. Just take a little bit of advice this time? Take
your time and don’t expect everything to magically happen at once.” He replied
shaking his head.

I didn’t hear anything
from Amanda so I tried to keep myself busy with friends. I came to the
conclusion I wouldn’t be coming back to live in Banff no matter the outcome.

We went out on my final
night for dinner and drinks. It was a fantastic night spent with all of my old
and new friends. Leaving was bittersweet as I knew I likely wouldn’t see most
of these people again. I promised Chris and Brad we would catch up somewhere
along our travels, and we all agreed it wasn’t time to head home just yet.

As the bus left I looked
out through the window at the beautiful landscape that was Banff and smiled to
myself. There had been a time that this wonderland was all that I had been
seeking, but in being here I had found so much more.

I had uncovered who I
wanted to be. A woman I wanted to be with. And a spark for meeting new people,
and finding new places that I had always been missing.

The trees were clear of
snow and their deep green was showing. The warm weather was coming, and
everywhere I looked I could see signs of spring. Wildflowers poked out of the
ground shyly and the snow melt from the mountains created waterfalls
everywhere. The rivers were running rapidly, and only the peaks of the
mountains had any snow left.

Facing forward, I looked
at the chair in front of me and wondered exactly how I would approach Amanda,
and finally I gave up. Being less high strung would probably be a good start.

Leaning back I relaxed as
much as possible, letting all of my fondest memories wash over me of my
traveling days. Traveling by myself had made me far more self-reliant, and
comfortable being by myself. No matter what happened I would bounce back, and
be a stronger person for my experiences.

Before leaving Canada, I
had organized a motel nearby Amanda and Rachel’s house. I sent an email to Bob
and Laurene to see if they would like to catch up, and gave them details of
where I would be staying.

I was an old hand at
flying now. It was kind of funny. Flying was never my strong suit, but I had
grown accustomed to it and it no longer bothered me. It took us just over three
hours to arrive in LA, and once in the terminal I walked through with purpose
in my step.

Catching a cab from the
airport, I arrived at the motel soon after and settled in without a problem. It
was time for me to determine just how I wanted to approach Amanda. It would
probably be a good idea to catch up with Rachel first. Not wasting any time, I
was on the phone in moments.

“Hi James.” She said in
overly neutral tones.

“Hey Rachel! How are you?
How’s your father?” I asked with genuine concern.

“He’s great! Thank you for
asking. He’s been out of the hospital for a couple of months, and doing well
back at home.” She replied happily, “As for me I’m good. How is everything
going for you?” She asked carefully.

“I’m alright. To be honest
I was a bit shocked at first, but I understand my mistakes now. I think” I said
with a wry smile coming to my lips.

“Yeah I heard you were,
um, well you know.” She said trailing off. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Angry? Frustrated? Over
the top? Crazy? Full on? Take your pick.” I said still laughing.

“Yes. Something like that.
I don’t want to pry into your affairs or anything, but Amanda was pretty upset
by it all. I thought I told you not to hurt her!” She said strongly.

“It was never my intention
to hurt her. Honestly, I didn’t think I did anything that was hurtful.” I
replied ashamedly.

“Obviously you hurt her!”
She started loudly, after a moment she gathered her composure and continued,
“You can’t expect her to respond well when you’re unleashing on her. You hadn’t
even spoken in ages!” She added, strength in her voice, “What were you
thinking?” She pleaded with me.

“Honestly this is going to
sound stupid, but I was trying to fix things. I got ridiculously carried away.
I could have approached it in a different way.” I said trailing off, a little
embarrassed.

“You can say that again!”
She exclaimed.

“Long distance was hurting
me. It was painful, and I let my emotions get the better of me.” I added.

“So what are you going to
do about it?” She asked with interest.