What We Search For (19 page)

“To be honest I’ve never
really tried long distance, but I think we can make it work as long as we keep
in touch, and get the chance to see each other.” I said, not as strongly as I
would have liked.

“It’s doable don’t get me
wrong. It’s just damn difficult. My advice is don’t let yourself get tempted by
other, uh, distractions.” James explained, “I was weak willed and ended up
sleeping with someone I shouldn’t have about seven months in. It worked up
until then and she never knew about it but my conscious just chewed me up. I
couldn’t be in the relationship anymore with that on my mind. So I had to end
it. She was a great girl too. It’s just that I was an idiot.” He added with a
sigh. The silence dragged out.

“Sorry to hear that.”
Chris said after a time.

“No don’t be. It was my
own stupidity.” James replied, with a shake of his head.

“We’ve all made mistakes.”
Sam added.

“You’ve got that right.”
Brad agreed.

“Just means we won’t make
them again.” Chris said with a smile, “Here’s to not making the same mistakes.”
He added, raising his glass. We all yelled cheers and had a long drink together,
 I used the jug of beer as my own glass.

“Anyway. At least you’ll
be around for a while longer, James. We can have some fun.” Brad said, as he
looked at me over the rim of his glass taking another long gulp.

“Absolutely mate! Nothing
to it, but to have fun while we can.” I replied happily.

We spent our night in the
pub drinking the majority of the night away and speaking the entire time about
past relationships, and future prospects. As nights go for us guys, it was one
where we shared our inner thoughts, while getting ridiculously drunk. Probably
one of the only times we would ever let our guard down and have a ‘deep and
meaningful’ conversation.

Sometimes it was the best
way to bond with another guy, and this was no exception. I learned all sorts
about Sam and James and more about Brad and Chris. As well as sharing my own
stories about my sister, and more of the tender details regarding Amanda and
me.

Everything seemed just
that little bit better by the end of the night, but that was probably because I
could hardly stand up due to the amount of booze we had consumed.

Stumbling for the door we
went our separate ways. Tomorrow would be a new day with new challenges, but
right now I didn’t care in the slightest.

Morning greeted me with
the sun shining in my eyes, finding the only gap in the hostel room blinds.
Rolling over, I groaned and fell back to sleep for what seemed like just moments.

My phone was ringing and
vibrating in my pocket. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ignoring it at first, I
let it ring out, only for it to start ringing again. Whoever it was, they were
persistent and extremely annoying! Reaching in my pocket I pulled it out and
blearily looked at the screen. It was Amanda. Still close to drunk I sat up in
my bed and answered the call.

“Hey.” I said with all my
effort.

“Hey!” Amanda said
happily, “Are you alright?” She asked after a moment.

“Yeah I’m fine. I had a
big night with the guys last night is all. Bigger than I had planned.” I said
with a groan, as I sat up further starting to feel the full effect of last night’s
drinking.

“Oh no! So loud noises
would be terrible for you?” She yelled through the phone. Wincing, I held the
phone away from my ear.

“Please stop you evil
woman!” I groaned, and she laughed light heartedly.

“Sorry I had to.” She
said.

“How’s Rachel’s Dad?” I
asked seriously.

“He’s alive but he’s not
in great shape, which is to be expected. Probably be in the hospital for a few
more days at least.” She said seriously.

“How about Rach? Is she
holding up okay?” I added.

“She’s much better now
that she’s been able to spend time with him. At first they wouldn’t let her in
until the doctors were sure he was stable.” She replied.

“Makes sense I guess.” I
said, scratching my head.

“How was your flight
anyway? I was expecting you to call me, but you must have got caught up with
the guys.” She said in a dangerous tone of voice.

“Sorry about that. They
are a bad influence on me.” I said defensively.

“Really? Or maybe it’s the
other way?” She said slowly.

“Me? Bad influence?
Never…” I replied with a hint of sarcasm to which she laughed softly.

“I’m glad you arrived
safely anyway.” She said genuinely.

“Me too. I had a great
flight actually! I met an amazing elderly couple. Their names were Laurene and
Bob, and we talked the whole way. It was great.” I said, still trying to clear
my head.

“That sounds nice. What
did you talk about?” She asked curiously,

“All sorts. I did talk
about you a bit. Hope you don't mind?” I asked carefully.

“Only as long as it was
all good things!” She said.

“Of course!” I said.

“Well that’s good. Sorry I
couldn’t take you to the airport in the end.” She said softly.

“Don’t be. You did exactly
what you should have done. Rachel has a good friend in you!” I exclaimed
happily, “Besides, I’m a big boy. I got to the airport and on to the plane all by
myself. Not even one adult held my hand. Not once!” I said with feigned pride.
Amanda burst into laughter. “Wow that’s impressive!” She said still laughing,
“Such a big boy. Soon you’ll be able to go to the bathroom without help, too!”
She added.

“Hey, hey! Let’s not get
too carried away. One step at a time.” I said laughing.

“How are the guys anyway?
It’s been awhile since I saw them!” She asked.

“They are doing great!
Making more friends and having all sorts of fun. They are convinced they are
professional snowboarders now, which remains to be seen.” I said with a soft
laugh.

“Sounds great! If you get
the chance please say hello from me.” Amanda said.

“Definitely will. I’m sure
they’d say hello right back.” I replied. I took a more serious tone and said,
“It’s only been a night and I miss being with you. That’s not weird is it?” I
asked softly.

“Not weird. I miss you
too.” She said, just as softly, “It’s nice to hear you say that.” She added, “I
was a little bit worried you wouldn’t want to talk to me once you got back to
Banff.” She said, a hint of worry still touching her voice.

“Try not to worry about
it. I absolutely want to talk to you!” I exclaimed with passion.

“Okay that’s good then!
Anyway I just thought I would check up with you. I better get going.” Amanda
said finally.

“Thank you beautiful, I
appreciate that. I hope you have a fantastic day, and I’ll be thinking about
you.” I said with a broad smile, as the warmth returned to me.

“I’ll think of you too
handsome. Bye for now!” She said happily, ending the call.

Smiling, I dragged myself
out of bed and made ready for the day. I was relieved Amanda felt that way as
well. I had been worried we would fall apart or lose interest being at a
distance. After such a whirlwind romance, I had no illusions, we would need to
work together to stay in touch.

Being away from Amanda, I
found myself catching up with old friends, and making my way to the snow hill
as much as possible. Chris and Brad weren’t lying. They had improved so much
and ended up teaching me all sorts of new tricks, and soon I was following them
downhill at speed.

I bumped into Haley a
couple of times. It was nice to see her, but that’s as far as either of us took
it. Each day I was in contact with Amanda. We’d talk for a long time or others
just a quick check-up. The days turned into weeks and the weeks faded to
months. I felt lost again. I needed Amanda.

Three months had passed
since I had returned to Banff, and my lifestyle was again a familiar routine.
Drinking, snowboarding, pool and regular catch ups with friends. It was so easy
since you could walk everywhere. Some warm weather was starting to come through
and spring was in the air. The ski hill was still open, but I wasn’t going as
much as I had been.

Over the last two months I
had improved tremendously and thoroughly enjoyed my time, but my focuses lay
elsewhere. At the start, Amanda and I had talked frequently, but as time went
by the distance frustrated us both. Not being able to see one another was hard.
Very hard.

For the most part it had
been easy to begin with, but being on the phone with each other for lengthy
periods every day had become less and less practical. We spoke of our days and
trivial things until we ran out of conversation topics. We decided to talk less
so we had more to say, but that was the catalyst for us to forget to even call.

To begin with, it was once
every couple of days which was nice, but later one or both of us would forget
to call and a few days would pass. Soon a week would go by without contact.

They say out of sight out
of mind. It seemed to playing true, although my feelings for her never changed.
We just let other things take priority.

I had finally reached
breaking point. This was so damn hard I didn’t know what my next step should
be. I needed to talk to my sister. Waiting for the time zones to be reasonable
I managed to catch her in time before she left for work.

“Hey Sarah!” I said across
the phone.

“Little brother! How are
you?” She asked with delight.

“Not so great actually.” I
replied glumly.

“Why is that? Have you
done something stupid?” She asked, concern filling her voice.

“No. Nothing stupid. It’s
a bit of a story. Have you got some time?” I queried.

“Sure do! Don’t have to
leave for half an hour or so. What’s troubling you?” She asked, still clearly
concerned.

“Well, it’s Amanda…” I
started.

“Of course it is.” She
laughed gently.

“Yes. Well. I told you how
it went in LA, but since then we’ve been trying to have a long distance
relationship. It’s not working out half as well as I had hoped. My feelings for
her are the same, but it’s just so frustrating! And we’ve hardly been speaking
to be honest.” I said unhappily.

“Well there’s your first
problem. Why haven’t you been speaking?” She asked patiently.

“It’s not easy to talk to
someone every day over the phone. We were running out of things to say, so we
decided to talk every second or third day. That ended up once a week or so, and
now it’s not even that.” I said, my frustration clear in my voice.

“I can understand that.
It’s only natural, especially since your relationship is still so fresh. You
want to be with her all the time. Have you spoken to her about this at all?”
She asked. Pausing for a moment.

“No. Not really.” I
replied finally.

“That’s another problem!”
She started, “I’ve told you this before, but it appears I need to tell you
again.” She continued slowly, “Communication in a relationship is of utmost
importance. No relationship is ever going to be perfect, but if you don’t talk
about your troubles, how do you expect things to work out?” She asked, emotion
heavy in her voice. “Alex and I have had our fair share of problems, but the
one reason we always work things out is we are open with one another and share
our feelings. It may be hard for you to do. I know you’ve had troubles like
this in the past, but you need to ask yourself. Do you want to be with this
woman?” Sarah’s voice was growing in strength as she said each word, and each
word struck home with force.

“This is why I love you
sis’. You’re amazing.” I said at last.

“Any time little brother.
Take care of yourself, and don’t be a stranger! Love you!” She said happily.

“I’ll do my best! Love you
too.” I replied and hung up.

Sitting back I tried to
think of what I could say to Amanda. It was one of the most difficult phone
calls I would ever make in my life. Even though I felt so strongly for her, I
still hadn’t figured out exactly what I was going to be able to do if we were
going to be together.

Perhaps another trip to LA
was in order. Perhaps I was again, over thinking things. Whatever the case, I
needed to do something now before I went crazy.

“I agree with
your sister” Chris was saying as we sat at the bar sipping our beers, “She’s
right. If you want to make it work you need to talk to her about it. Long
distance my friend is always difficult, but you knew this wouldn’t be easy.” He
added glancing in my direction.

“I know. Deep
down I know all of it. Intellectually I completely understand the ins and outs
of what I should be doing, but I just get in my own way.” I started,
frustration clear on my face, “Why are we not talking anymore? Does she still
like me? Have I done something wrong? All of this useless shit gets in my way,
and stops me from picking up the phone.” I said in exasperation.

“Do you love
her?” Chris asked simply, looking over the brim of his beer glass as he took
another sip.