What to Expect the Toddler Years (46 page)

If you feel that the pacifier is having a negative effect on your toddler and you’d like to break him of the habit sooner rather than later, you can take some steps toward that end.

Establish limits.
Just what the limits are should depend on how and when your toddler uses the pacifier, and how devastated he would be without it. You might suggest, for example, that now that he’s bigger, he use the pacifier only in the house, or only when going to sleep.

Provide extra comfort.
If your toddler seems dependent on the pacifier for comfort, offer him other sources of solace. Heap on the love and attention, particularly when he’s feeling down or insecure. Before he reaches for the pacifier, reach for him with a hug. Or distract him with a story. Or turn on some soothing music and settle down for a cuddle. Or let him pound out his anxieties or anger on a pile of clay, or express them in painting. Also take steps to help boost his sense of control and his self-esteem (see page 292).

Keep his mouth busy.
Ask questions, strike up conversations, encourage him to recite rhymes, sing, laugh, make funny faces in the mirror, suck juice from a straw, and otherwise use his mouth for non-pacifier purposes. If he tries to talk with the pacifier in his mouth, let him know that you can’t understand him, that he has to remove it if he wants you to know what he’s saying.

Don’t let him go hungry—or sleepy.
The child who’s hungry or overtired tends to lose his ability to cope; it’s then that he’s likely to turn to a familiar coping mechanism, such as his pacifier. To cut down on your toddler’s need for the pacifier, make sure he gets the nourishment (offer a snack before he hits a blood-sugar low) and rest that his body requires.

These measures may help reduce pacifier use, but they aren’t likely to end it. More decisive action is usually needed. For how to pull the plug permanently, see page 436.

If you decide to allow your toddler to use the pacifier a bit longer, consult his pediatric dentist about the model to use. Although it is widely believed that the so-called “orthodontic” pacifier is potentially less damaging to the mouth, there are experts in pediatric dentistry who strongly disagree. They recommend one that is shaped like a thumb—if one is used at all. Whatever the shape, look for one-piece construction, which is safest because it can’t come apart. (Never use an ordinary bottle nipple as a pacifier since it represents a choking hazard.) The pacifier shield (the flat part between the nipple and the ring) should be rigid, too large to fit in your toddler’s mouth (at least 1½ inches across), and it should have ventilation holes. Because the rigid shield could cause a serious cut if your toddler fell on it, don’t allow your toddler to run around with the pacifier in his mouth. Tempted as you may be, never hang the pacifier (or anything else) on a string or ribbon around your toddler’s neck. Wash the pacifier frequently in the dishwasher, if you have one, or in very hot soapy water. And check it regularly. If you find signs of damage or deterioration, replace the pacifier—or attempt to use its demise as an excuse to break the habit (“Sorry, honey, but your pacifier is broken. We have to throw it away”). If you’re lucky it may work. If not, you can always buy a new pacifier.

If all your efforts fail, don’t force the issue. While more drastic measures may be needed a year or two from now (when both peer pressure and damage to his mouth and teeth can become problems), they aren’t necessary now. Like any comfort object, the pacifier fills a need. It isn’t fair to allow a child to become dependent on one, then force him to give it up when he may need it most.

“When our toddler gets ready for sleep he goes through this ritual where he literally bangs his head against the wall next to his crib. Both my wife and I are very concerned about this.”

A small head banging against the wall. A cribful of toddler bouncing across the room. A tiny fistful of hair yanked from a sweet little head. Who wouldn’t be concerned? Yet such disconcerting and seemingly senseless rituals, which understandably bring discomfort to the parents who watch them, actually bring comfort to the children who perform them.

These self-comforting activities, kinetic cousins to the more sedate comfort objects, are seen most commonly among intense children and practiced most commonly at night, when these little fireballs are brimming with energy and tension that need releasing. And being resourceful creatures, release they do: through head banging, rhythmic rocking, hair-pulling, and the like.

Comfort activities, like comfort objects, are normal in toddlers; and when exhibited in a happy, well-adjusted child who relates well to others, they are not reason for concern. Still, they can raise the level of anxiety at home, and even keep a family awake at night as the rocker shimmies his crib across the floor or the head banger plays bongos with his noggin at 2
A.M.

Though it’s unwise to try to force an end to these habits (as with any toddler behavior, coercion rarely works and often triggers an increase in the unwanted activity), there are steps you can take to soften their impact on all concerned:

Reduce stress.
Try to ease any excessive stress there might be in your
toddler’s life—whether it stems from your going to work; from a new child-care arrangement, a new home, or a new sibling; from being weaned off the bottle or breast; or from another unsettling situation. Be sure, too, that your toddler gets plenty of love, affection, and attention; ample amounts of these will help relax him.

Provide release.
Supply your toddler with other outlets for his nervous energy: wrestling, pounding with a toy hammer, beating a toy drum, punching a blow-up clown or pillow, tossing a ball around, and playing outdoors. Give a hair puller a long-haired stuffed animal to hang on to and tug. This may reduce the need to pull his own hair. If that doesn’t work, a shorter haircut may help.

Rock around the clock.
Provide plenty of opportunities for more socially acceptable kinds of rhythmic activities. Rocking in a child-size rocker, swinging on a swing, dancing, spinning like an airplane, riding up and down on a teeter-totter, playing lively hand and circle games to music (Patty-Cake, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Ring-a-Round-a-Rosie, and so on.)

Music itself can also soothe your toddler by satisfying the need for rhythmic activities he’s been filling by rocking or banging. Play rousing music during the day, and encourage him to dance to it, clap to it, foot-stomp to it, or accompany it with his own toy instruments. At bedtime, try something softer and more calming. Try rocking or swaying to the music gently as you read a bedtime story, or slow-dancing to it with him in your arms.

Establish a bedtime routine.
Self-comforting activities generally peak in the evening; children use them to unwind after a busy day. A regular bedtime routine (see page 68) may help your toddler find more tranquil routes to relaxation.

Don’t bed down your toddler too soon.
Waiting until your toddler’s really sleepy before you put him to bed may decrease his need to head-bang his way to dreamland. But don’t let him get over-tired to the point of being over-wound. That will make him more likely to bang.

Protect your toddler and his environment.
If you can’t stop your toddler’s comfort habit, you can help reduce its potential damage by moving the crib away from the wall; padding the crib or other surfaces your toddler bangs his head against (but be prepared for him to reject the softer surface and look for a harder one); removing the wheels from the crib and wedging a carpet under it so it’ll stay put during rocking or head-banging sessions.

In most children, rhythmic comfort activities disappear by age three without parental intervention. If they don’t, or if your child is actually hurting himself or seems to enjoy hurting himself, seems perpetually unhappy, doesn’t talk or otherwise communicate with others, doesn’t like to be held or touched, or spends much of his time engaged in one or more of these activities, talk to his doctor.

“Our son has never had any comfort habits—he doesn’t suck his thumb, or carry a blanket or a teddy bear. As a result, he often has a hard time comforting himself, and relies on me. Is this bad?”

No, it’s just a case of different strokes for different little folks. Some toddlers find security in a totable, inanimate object, others, like your son, find comfort is more satisfying when it takes human form. Such children enjoy playing with teddy bears, and cuddling under blankets, but never develop an attachment to any particular one. That’s just their style—and it’s perfectly okay.

There are obvious benefits to not being hooked on a comfort object—no dragging around a tattered blanket, no trauma when the treasured teddy can’t be found, no thumb or pacifier to be weaned from. When your toddler’s only source of security is you, however, there may be drawbacks, too: You may start to feel like an oversized teddy or a ragged blanket yourself, and resent playing the role of comfort object and putting in the time it takes to fulfill that role. But as with any other comfort object, it’s important not to push your toddler to give up the extra comfort you provide before he’s ready. (See page 386 for more on easing your toddler toward independence gently.)

“I never approved of people using leashes to restrain their toddlers until I had a toddler of my own. He’s off and running the moment I put him down, and I’m afraid one day I won’t be able to catch him. Would a leash be so bad?”

In some parts of the world, tethers are used routinely to keep toddlers safe. And, indeed, in certain circumstances (in a busy bus, train, or plane terminal, for example, or on a subway) putting a toddler on a leash may make sense. This is especially true when there’s only one adult in charge and more than one child (or a lot of luggage) to look after. But a child on a leash, restrained by another person, often doesn’t learn self-restraint. So, in most other situations—when walking down the street, playing in front of the house, or shopping in a department store—it’s better to keep your toddler nearby using other techniques. See page 181 for dealing with the wandering toddler.

Discipline. To many minds, it’s not a pretty word—summoning up fearful Victorian images of belt-wielding fathers, ruler-plying teachers, angry threats, stinging slaps, and other humiliating punishments.

Yet discipline needn’t be
any
of those things; in fact, by definition, it
isn’t
any of those things. The word “discipline” actually comes from the Latin word meaning “to teach” and originally had nothing to do with rules, punishment, or the inflicting of pain.

Why discipline a toddler? First of all, to instill an understanding of the concept of right and wrong. Though toddlers aren’t ready to fully digest this idea, you can give them a sense of it both from what you do and what you say. Second, to plant the seeds of self-control. These won’t sprout immediately, but if nurtured faithfully, they will become the roots of your child’s future behavior. Third, to teach respect for the rights and feelings of others, so that your child will grow from a self-centered toddler into a
compassionate and caring child and adult. Fourth, to increase your toddler’s chances of growing up to be a happy adult; an undisciplined child is often in for a rude awakening—and a lot of unhappiness—when getting out into the real world. And finally, to protect your toddler, your home, and your sanity—now and in the many mischief-laden years that lie ahead.

As you discipline your child, bear the following ideas in mind:

Every child is different, every family is different, each circumstance is different—therefore, there are many different approaches to discipline. But there are universal rules of behavior that apply to everyone, every time.

You can’t rely on a toddler’s obedience. Until children are old enough to understand what is safe and what is not, or at least which actions are permissible and which are not, their parents and other caregivers have total responsibility for keeping them safe and out of trouble.