What to Expect the Toddler Years (49 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Accidents require different treatment from intentional wrongdoings. Remember, everyone’s entitled to make a mistake, and because of their emotional, physical, and intellectual immaturity, toddlers are entitled to make a great many more. When yours knocks over a glass of milk while reaching for a slice of bread, “Oops, the milk spilled. Try to be more careful, honey,” is an appropriate response. But when the cup is upended intentionally, it’s more fitting to say, “Milk is to drink, not to spill. Spilling makes a mess and wastes the milk—see, now there’s no more.” In either case, it will also help to fill a drinking cup with very small amounts of liquid in the future, to hand your toddler a rag to help clean up, and to be sure that your little scientist has plenty of opportunity to pursue liquid-pouring experiments in the tub or other acceptable surroundings.
Parents have to be the adults in the family. If you expect your child to act responsibly, you’ll have to do the same. Say you promised your toddler a trip to the playground, but then decide you would rather catch up on laundry or have a friend over for coffee. A mature parent keeps the promise and does the laundry later, or chats with the friend on the phone while preparing dinner.
If you expect your child to admit mistakes comfortably, you’ll have to lead the way here, too: If you made your toddler cry over spilled milk, then learn later that it was Grandma who spilled it, apologize, and try to avoid jumping to conclusions next time.
If you often find yourself getting down to your child’s level, following a toddler tantrum, for example, with one of your own, or demanding things your way when they could just as easily be done your child’s way, take some time to reevaluate your own behavior.
Parents should display confidence. If you are constantly moaning, “I don’t know what to do with you . . .” you not only undermine your authority, you could frighten your child by not seeming in control.
Children are worthy of respect. Instead of treating your toddler as an object, a possession, or even “just a baby,” treat your child with the respect you would accord any other person. Be polite (say “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me”) and offer simple explanations (even if you don’t think they’ll be understood) when you forbid something. Be understanding of and sympathetic to your toddler’s wants and feelings (even if you can’t permit their acting out), and avoid embarrassing your child by, for example, scolding him or her in front of strangers and playmates. (That said, sometimes it’s necessary to correct a child in public. It’s all right to say, “No throwing” or “No hitting,” but any more serious scolding should be done discreetly, by taking the child aside or speaking softly face to face.) Most of all, really listen to what your child is saying. In the preverbal stage, when grunting, pointing, and monosyllables are the main modes of communication, listening is a challenge, and it continues to be so until speech becomes clear and language is well developed (somewhere around three or four). But making that effort to listen is important. Remember, not being understood is frustrating for your toddler, too.
There should be a fair distribution of rights between parents and children. It’s easy, when a child is young, for parents to err in this area, going to one extreme
or the other. Some abrogate all their rights in favor of their child—they base their lives on the child’s schedule, never go out, forget the value of adult friends, and neglect their personal relationships. Others live their lives as though they were still childless, heedless of their child’s needs—they drag an overtired toddler to an adult party, skip giving the child a bath in favor of watching a football game, and miss a pediatrician appointment because of a meeting. Strive for a balance.
WIN-WIN SOLUTIONS
The best solutions to parent–child disputes allow everyone to come up a winner. For example, if your toddler tests you by first touching the flower arrangement on the table, and then gives you a challenging glance and backs off, forget it. He got to touch something off-limits (which is what he wanted), but he didn’t go any further or do any damage (which is what you want). You both save face, and you both end up winners. You can create win-win situations by using distraction (he goes for the DVD player, you go for the crayons and paper), humor (see page 126), reverse psychology (see page 316), and other creative approaches (such as setting a timer that will ring when the five minutes to dinnertime are up, signaling that it’s time to put down the blocks and come to the table). Everybody can end up a winner, too, when you do a little negotiating: “Take your bath right now, and then we’ll read your favorite book.” Negotiate, but don’t bribe. If your toddler is steadfastly refusing to get into the tub, don’t promise reading in return for cooperation. Nor should you threaten: “If you don’t take a bath right now, we won’t read afterward.” Later on, when your child’s old enough to understand, you can explain that actions have consequences: “If you waste a lot of time now and take your bath late, there won’t be any time to read a story.”
Nobody’s perfect—and nobody should be expected to be. Avoid setting unattainable standards for your toddler. Children need all the years of childhood to develop to the point at which they can behave as adults. And they need to know that
you
don’t expect perfection, now or ever.
Parents aren’t perfect either. The parent who has all the answers, never loses control, never yells, and never feels the remotest desire to shake a difficult toddler doesn’t exist; even the father of that early television series didn’t always know best. Letting your anger out and clearing the air once in a while is better than keeping frustration bottled up. Bottled-up anger has a way of bursting out inappropriately with an intensity that is far out of proportion to the offense of the moment.
Children need to feel they have some control over their lives. For good mental health, everyone—even a young child—needs to feel as though he or she can call at least some of the shots. It won’t always be possible for your toddler to have his or her way, but when it is, allow it. Give your toddler a chance to make choices—the cracker or the piece of bread, the swing or the slide, the T-shirt with the elephant or the one with the clown.
Toddlers are novices at following rules.
You
know what you mean when you tell your toddler to clean up the blocks, but don’t take it for granted that your toddler knows what you mean. The most basic tasks must be spelled out, even demonstrated, to be understood.
Start by showing your toddler how to put the blocks in the basket and then how to put the basket back on the toy shelf. The next time, encourage your toddler to help you put the blocks away. When your child has gotten the hang of it, try putting the whole job in those capable little hands (while you supervise). You’ll eventually be able to say “Please put your blocks away” and get an appropriate response—at least sometimes.
