What to Expect the Toddler Years (48 page)

Young toddlers have limited memories. You can’t expect them to learn a lesson the first time it’s taught, and you can expect them to repeat an undesirable action over and over and over again. Be patient, and be prepared to repeat the same message—”Don’t touch the DVR,” or “Don’t eat the dog food”—every day for weeks, or even months, before it finally sinks in or the fascination is lost. And take nothing for granted when it comes to safety. Don’t rely on your toddler having apparently learned a lesson in avoiding danger (running into the street, touching a hot stove, playing with an electric outlet). Supervise him or her closely and follow the safety recommendations in Chapter Twenty-One without fail, no matter how obedient or sage your toddler seems to have become.

Toddlers enjoy the “no” game. Most children savor the challenge of a parent’s “No!” as much as the challenge of climbing a flight of stairs or fitting a stubborn circle into a shape-sorter. So no matter how your child goads you, don’t let your “No!” dissolve into sport or into a fit of laughter. Your toddler won’t take you—or your limits—seriously if you do. (For dealing with the toddler who won’t take no for an answer, see page 48.)

Although a certain number of “no’s” are necessary, too many “no’s” soon lose their effectiveness and can be demoralizing. Just as you wouldn’t want to live in a world where everything you did (or tried to do) was censured by the harsh “no” of an unyielding, oversize dictator, your toddler shouldn’t live in such a world either. Limit your “no’s” to situations that threaten the well-being of your toddler, of another person, or of your home. Remember that not every issue is worth a confrontation. Fewer “no’s” will be needed if you create a child-proof environment (see page 622) in your home, and provide plenty of opportunities for safe exploration.

With each “no,” always offer a “yes” in the form of an alternative. “You can’t pull those leaves off that plant, but you can pull up some weeds; I’ll show you which ones” or “You can’t play with Daddy’s new book, but you can read your board book with the pretty pictures.” Try to emphasize the positive. To the child who has already emptied the contents of your desk drawer onto the floor, say, “Those are Mommy’s papers. They belong in the desk, not on the floor. Let’s see if you can put them back in the drawer and close it” instead of, “Look what a mess you’ve made with my papers!” scowling as you bend to scoop up your files. Add a dash of praise and a round of applause when your child
complies, along with the firm reminder that, “Mommy’s papers need to stay in Mommy’s desk.” This face saving approach gets across the message that emptying the drawer is not okay but it doesn’t make your toddler feel “bad.”

Parents don’t always have to win. Once in a while, when the stakes aren’t high or when you realize you’ve made a mistake, don’t be too embarrassed or too impatient to let your child win. An occasional victory will make up for the many “losses” your toddler endures each day.

Children need to be allowed to make some mistakes, and to learn from these mistakes. If you make it impossible for your child to get into trouble (stashing away
all
the knickknacks, for instance), you won’t have to say “no” as often, but you’ll also miss out on important opportunities to teach. Be flexible, leave room for errors your child can learn from, but not when safety is an issue. For example, if your toddler wants to wear winter boots on a hot day, allowing the fashion
faux pas
so that he or she can learn from it makes more sense than insisting on sandals and triggering a tantrum. (Stash a pair of sandals or sneakers in the diaper bag just in case good sense and sweaty feet triumph over stubborness while you’re out.)

Praise and reward are effective disciplinary tools. Use positive reinforcement—praising and rewarding good behavior—often. This will build, rather than knock down, your child’s self-confidence as it reinforces good behavior.

Correction is much more effective when it takes place face to face. So rather than call from the other side of the room, “Please stop that banging,” walk up to your child, look him or her squarely in the eye, and say your piece. Let your body language, tone of voice, and expression make it clear that you mean business.

Emotional blackmail is unkind. Inducing guilt (“If you loved me, you wouldn’t act this way”) is hitting below the belt. Children should not be asked to behave just to keep a parent happy.

Uncontrolled anger is ineffective. It clouds your thinking, teaches a poor coping mechanism, can humiliate and frighten young children, and if used repeatedly can damage their self-esteem. Unleashed against older children and adults it generally triggers anger rather then remorse.

When your child has done something that angers you, take a few moments to calm down before responding (see page 751 for tips on dealing with anger). Once your cool is collected, explain to your child that what he or she did was wrong, and why. (“That wasn’t a ball you threw, it was Mommy’s dish. You broke it and now I’m sad.”) This is important to do even if the explanation seems to be sailing clear over your child’s head, or if distraction has already set in.

During moments of high anxiety, try to remember (it won’t always be easy) that your long-term goal is to teach right behavior, and that screaming or swatting will teach wrong behavior, setting a poor example of what’s appropriate when one is angry.

Don’t worry, however, if you occasionally find it impossible to put on the brakes. As a human parent, you’re allowed your share of frailties, and your child needs to know that. As long as your tirades are relatively few, far between, short-lived, and geared as an attack on your child’s actions and
not
your child, they won’t interfere with effective parenting. When you do lose your cool, be sure to apologize: “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I was very angry.” Adding “I love you” will let your toddler know that sometimes we get angry at people we love and that such feelings are okay. But don’t be so contrite that it sounds as though you’re sorry you
disciplined at all. (If you find yourself losing your temper at your toddler too often, see page 754.)

Parental use of foul language does nothing but teach children to use it themselves. Many parents spout four-letter words without thinking, and then are shocked to hear the same words coming from the mouths of their babes.