What to Expect the Toddler Years (21 page)

Of course, toddlers being toddlers, no matter how you phrase your requests, they may well be refused. That’s to be expected, and to a certain extent, accepted. What’s important is that you’ve begun to plant in your toddler’s
mind the idea that other people have rights, too.

Introduce feelings (see box, facing page).

Respect your toddler’s rights. Many parents, in a well-intentioned attempt to raise big-hearted offspring, put the rights of their children’s playmates ahead of those of their children. Without asking permission, they’ll offer their toddler’s favorite toy to a visiting peer. Without considering that their toddler might be in the right, they’ll automatically side with the other child in a playground dispute over a sand shovel. Unfortunately, instead of teaching a toddler to be more generous, this approach may encourage selfishness. With their own rights constantly taking a back seat or being threatened, toddlers often become even more doggedly determined not to share, not to cooperate, not to take turns.

Respect for your toddler’s rights should be maintained, too, when a new sibling comes on the scene. Always asking the toddler to make concessions because “you’re bigger” isn’t fair, and can build hostility toward the little newcomer. (For more on the subject of siblings, see
Chapter Twenty-four
.)

Respect your toddler’s feelings. Toddlers don’t learn to respect the feelings of others if their own feelings are given short shrift. If you embarrass your child in front of others (“Oh, you’re so naughty! How could you spill your milk like that?”) or never allow his or her opinions to count (“That sweater doesn’t go with those pants!”) or talk about the child as though he or she is a cipher instead of a person (“This kid is just driving me crazy!”), you not only damage your toddler’s self-esteem, but teach that it’s all right to ignore the feelings of others.

Set a respectful example. As always, what you say to your toddler doesn’t have nearly as much impact as what you do. Asking your toddler to acknowledge the rights or feelings of a playmate, then embarrassing a baby-sitter in public, or snapping at a check-out clerk at the supermarket, or sneaking to the front of the line at the bus stop, sends a message that such behavior is acceptable, and it won’t matter what you say to the contrary.

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

wave bye-bye

stand alone

put an object into a container

use mama/dada intentionally (by 13½ months)

follow 1-step verbal command without gestures (by 13½ months)

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use his or her hands for purposeful activities like picking things up, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with
the doctor if your toddler seems unresponsive, doesn’t smile, makes few or no sounds, doesn’t seem to hear well, is perpetually irritable, or demands constant attention. (But remember, the one-year-old who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. This developmental gap progressively narrows and generally disappears entirely around age two.)

Toddlers derive much satisfaction from taking things out of where they belong—much more than they derive from putting things back in their place.

. . . will probably be able to:

bend over and pick up an object (by 13½ months)