Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (270 page)
Time for you to hit your stride.
It takes practice, trial and error, and a sense of humor to make it as a parent, especially as a parent of two under two. In time, you’ll fall into a rhythm—just be careful not to fall into the trap of striving for perfection or trying to “do it all” (new parents often do). Relaxed and happy imperfect parents (so what if you can write your name in the dust on the coffee table?) are preferable to tense and unhappy perfect ones (which makes them not so perfect after all).
IME FOR YOURSELF
“I love our little boy, but between caring for him and the house, I never seem to have any time for myself. I guess that’s part of being a parent, but I must admit that sometimes I feel resentful.”
It’s a well-known fact: To be effective at a job, workers need time off. That goes for corporate executives, bookkeepers, assembly-line workers, professional athletes, mechanics, salespeople, lawyers, doctors, dentists, teachers, and equally, if not most of all—considering the emotional and physical challenges of the job—parents. Particularly parents of toddlers.
In other words, not only do you
deserve
a break, but to be effective at your job, you
need
one. Parents whose main work is caring for their children shouldn’t be obliged to do so to the exclusion of all other pursuits and pleasures. Being burnt out and resentful doesn’t
make you a better parent, and being a martyr doesn’t make you a better role model. The best parents and best role models are relaxed, reasonably content, and at least somewhat fulfilled. It’s important for even young children to see that their parents care for themselves, too.
Of course, finding time for yourself in the context of busy days isn’t easy. Trying the tips on page 770 for organizing your time more efficiently might help free up some time for you; so might getting some help—from a spouse (see page 757), a paid worker, or a friend.
Once you’ve found yourself some time, use it well. Do something that makes you feel happy—whether that’s an exercise class or an economics class, a nap or a night on the town, a long bath with a good book or a long walk with a good dog, trying your hand at watercolors or trying your feet at in-line skating.
Most of all, relax and enjoy. Don’t begrudge yourself that precious time away from your precious child and your other responsibilities, and don’t feel guilty about spending it on yourself. You’re worth it—and you’ll be a better parent for it.
UILT ABOUT WORKING
“I enjoy working, and I think I’d go crazy staying home all day with my daughter. I know I should feel good about my decision, but I can’t help feeling guilty—especially when I see other mothers at home.”
You’re not other mothers—you’re you. And what’s good for other parents and their children isn’t necessarily what’s good for you and your child (and vice versa). Your happiness and satisfaction are critical to your child’s; if they come from working outside the home, that’s what you should be doing—not just for yourself, but for your child, too.
And don’t feel as though your decision to work will compromise your child’s future in any way. Research shows that, all other things being fairly equal, children whose mothers work outside the home do not suffer more emotional scars or tend to be any less well adjusted than children of mothers who stay home, and they perform on par both socially and academically. So don’t feel guilty—feel lucky that you’re part of a generation of women who have more than one option open to them, and that you’ve been able to select an option that makes you happy.
OMESICKNESS
“I went back to work full-time when my son was six months old; he’s past a year now and I cry every day. I hate leaving him—I feel I’m missing so much. I know it would be rough on our budget if I quit working, but I think we could manage. On the other hand, I feel like I’d be betraying my feminist ideals by staying home.”
For many, the whole idea behind feminism is that it
expands
choices, rather than limits them. A woman who wants to stay home with her child should no more be forced into out-of-home employment than a woman who wants out-of-home employment should be forced into staying home. If you choose to stay home with your toddler there’s no reason to feel less of a feminist—or less of a person. But there’s plenty of reason to feel fortunate; many women don’t have the luxury of affording that choice, even when that’s what they really want.
So go ahead and do what feels right for you. If after being home for a while
you find it’s difficult making ends meet or that you miss the stimulation of work, you might want to consider some of the options described on page 768.
ISGIVINGS ABOUT STAYING HOME
“Most of the time I love staying home with our daughter. But sometimes I stand at the window watching other parents going to work, and I feel like maybe I’m not doing enough with my life.”
Parenting is not a high-profile job: It doesn’t put you in line for a promotion, the hours are exhausting, the lunch hours and breaks often nonexistent. You have to pay for your own health insurance, and a vacation is not part of the job description. Yet your work as a full-time parent is at least as worthwhile as anything you could do outside the home. (What, after all, is more important than raising and nurturing another human being?)
Still, many parents who choose the job of full-time parenting find it hard to shake the nagging feeling that they should be doing more. That’s because, as inevitably happens when a pendulum of change swings, it’s swung too far. While women in previous generations felt obliged to stay home with their children even if they would have preferred to work outside the home, women in today’s generation often feel obliged to work outside the home even if they would prefer to stay home with their children full-time.
If staying home with your child feels like the right choice for you, don’t let the pressures that swing the pendulum sway you. And remember, a certain amount of ambivalence and self-doubt is normal—whether a parent chooses to stay home or go back to work.
If you continue to enjoy staying home but feel the need for some extracurricular stimulation, consider an alternative work arrangement (page 768) that might be available to you. Sometimes, it
is
possible to have your child and your work, too.
HE FULL-TIME FATHER
“Since my wife’s job pays considerably better than mine, we decided that I would stay home with our son while she works. Everything was great until I started getting out of the house more and going to play dates and toddler classes. I feel out of place being the only father.”
A generation ago, fathers were expected to be the breadwinners, not the sandwich makers. But today the father is the stay-at-home parent of choice for a growing number of families; census statistics indicate that about 20% of preschoolers whose mothers work are cared for by their dads. The reason may be financial (Mom’s paycheck’s bigger, her benefits are better, Dad’s been laid off), career-motivated (Mom’s headed toward a promotion, Dad’s decided to try freelancing), or based on natural bent (Mom goes crazy staying at home, Dad enjoys it). And in most cases, the reversal of traditional roles works well for all concerned.
But though the idea of full-time fathering is becoming progressively more acceptable and respectable, time- and television-honored traditions die hard. Your toddler may well be a father himself before dads who’ve made the choice to stay home can expect to feel more comfortable in the parenting mainstream.
Try to remember, however, that while being the only father on the playground, at the play group, in the children’s
museum on a weekday morning, or at the toddler gymnastics class may attract curious stares from a few, your chosen path is also bound to earn you the admiration and respect of many. No one who’s ever cared for a child full-time and knows the challenges and sacrifices involved—as well as the satisfactions—is going to think any less of you. And chances are, a good many people are going to think more of you.
WHEN YOUR HEART’S AT HOME, BUT YOU’RE AT WORK
Even parents who thrive on working often feel a pang or two on heading for the office each morning when they leave their littlest loved one (or loved ones) behind. Here are just a few ideas for staying close to your toddler while you’re working nine to five:
Make rituals a ritual.
Routine is comforting not only to the toddler, but to working parents, whose schedules are often frustratingly and unpredictably frantic. Tailor those rituals to you and your toddler: a snuggle together in bed before getting dressed in the morning, breakfast together while reading a favorite book, a lunchtime phone call, a walk together after work (see page 271 for more on after-work rituals).
Leave a love note.
Put a special note in the lunch box your toddler takes to day care, on the pillow he or she will be napping on, or taped inside his or her cubby. Express yourself in words for the babysitter or teacher to read to your child (but avoid saying “I miss you,” or anything else that might unduly upset) or in pictures (a big red heart, some flowers, a photo of you hugging your child).
Give your toddler a memento.
A little something of yours (a handkerchief, a picture of you at your desk—or at the beach with your toddler—an expired photo ID, a pen or clipboard from your company) that your toddler can keep nearby all day will help you feel closer to each other when you’re apart. A little something that’s your toddler’s will do the same for you; keep a finger painting on your desk, a little scrap of artwork in your wallet.
Stay in touch.
Unless a phone call provokes tears, call a toddler who’s home with a sitter for a brief chat morning and afternoon. You can also maintain contact with visual and audio recordings (read a story, sing a song).
Take your toddler to work.
Occasionally, take your toddler to your workplace for a little visit. Introduce him or her to coworkers and explain what you do and where you do it. Let your toddler tap on your computer keys (when the computer is off), scribble on some spare invoices, sit in your chair, or otherwise “try out” your job. Knowing where you go when you go off to work will help your toddler feel more connected to you. To make it clear that being out of sight doesn’t put your child out of mind, be sure to point out the photos and drawings that grace your work area or that you carry with you.
Do lunch.
If your workplace is close enough to where your child spends the day, try having lunch together once a week. Discontinue these lunch dates, however, if your child has trouble going back to the babysitter or day care after lunch is over.
Still, you may feel in need of some extra moral support (as many moms do). So look for other fathers who’ve made the same choice you’ve made and get together with them in father-dominated play groups. Ask your child’s doctor if he or she knows and can give you the names of any other full-time fathers in your neighborhood, and/or put up a notice in the office waiting room and on a few community bulletin boards.
HAVING IT ALL—YOUR WAY
Many parents find that neither staying home full-time nor working full-time meets their needs. They want it all—and when it’s financially feasible, they look for a creative compromise that provides what they see as a sensible balance between work and family. Though these compromise solutions are more commonly used by mothers, some fathers are beginning to take advantage of them, too:
The slow track.
For those who’ve found that the fast track leads to exhaustion, burnout, and more stress than they (or their families) can handle, choosing to move up the career ladder more slowly (at least until their children are older) is often sane and sensible. That may mean opting for fewer hours, less travel, less responsibility—and, very probably, less income.
Flex-time.
More companies are allowing parents to set their own time schedules, which in most cases must include a “core” working period (often 10
A
.
M
. to 3
P
.
M
.). This arrangement allows parents to start and finish work earlier or later (whichever is more convenient and less stressful). As long as the work gets done, these employers aren’t sticklers about whether it gets done between 9 and 5, 8 and 3, or 10:30 and 6:30. Staggered parent working hours (he works 7:30 to 3:30, she works 10:30 to 6:30) may reduce the hours a babysitter is required and allow more family time.
Job sharing.
If part-time work is financially feasible, job sharing can be an excellent way of both keeping in touch with your field and spending the extra time you want with your toddler. The trick is to find someone who’s qualified, interested, and dependable with whom to share the job (another parent with a young child often works best). Once done, there are many possible ways to job-share: You each work five half-days (one takes the mornings, the other the afternoons); you each work two-and-a-half days; you each work three days, overlapping one day; or one person works three days, the other two.
Time-income trade-offs.
Sometimes it’s possible to arrange a reduction in working hours (usually of an hour or two) with a commensurate cut in salary. This allows a parent more time at home while giving the employer almost full-time effort. But since many employees are just as productive during the reduced workday as they were during the full one (largely because being able to spend more time with their families decreases stress and
increases personal satisfaction, and because they don’t work to the point of exhaustion), there may be more inequity for employees than there would be in a flex-time arrangement. Still, for many parents, the trade-off of money for time is well worth it.
Part-time work.
Whether they’re part-day, part-week, or part-year, part-time schedules, when they’re logistically and financially workable, can be very appealing to employees with young families. Since part-time workers tend to be highly productive (they usually leave work before exhaustion sets in and before efficiency is reduced), employers, too, benefit from such an arrangement. How your time is best scheduled (if you have a choice) depends on you and your toddler. Some parents and children are happier with, and less disrupted by, longer stretches of time together (two full days in a row, or two weeks in a row) than with half a day together each day; others find comfort in the rhythm of half-days every day and in not being separated for long periods.
At-home work.
Some parents with young children are able to successfully continue their jobs at home—with the help of computers, modems, faxes, phones, and other modern conveniences. Some opt to start their own businesses out of their homes. Still others (such as travel agents, real-estate agents, commercial artists, editors, writers, and telemarketers) find it both practical and profitable to freelance in the field they used to work in full-time. Most at-home workers still find they need some kind of child care in order to maintain productivity, but those who have particularly independent or cooperative children (who can be plunked down to play next to the phone or the computer) or are so organized and efficient that they can get all their work done while their children nap may manage to get by without a sitter.
Consulting work.
Also often home-based, this kind of work can keep you in touch with your field while providing a great deal of flexibility.
Volunteer work.
For those who don’t depend on the financial rewards of employment but do crave the intellectual stimulation and people contact, part-time volunteer work (especially when it’s at a place where toddlers are welcome—such as at a children’s museum) can fit the bill perfectly.
Continuing education.
You don’t have to be on the job to further your career. Now may be the ideal time to take those continuing education courses that can spell career advancement later on. Look for a program that offers on-site child care, hire a babysitter during class hours, or take courses at night or on weekends when your spouse or another family member can be at home with your child.
