What to Expect the Toddler Years (266 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
From the first days after you bring your new baby home from the hospital to the last days before you ship your nearly grown child off to college or another career step, every phase of parenting presents its challenges. Yet there are some phases that, typically, present more challenges than others. For many parents, toddlerhood is one of them.
But while parenting a toddler isn’t always easy, it can be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. Precisely what can make toddlers so infuriating can also make them so incomparably cute; what can make them so exasperating can make them so endearing; what can make them so “terrible” can make them so terrific.
HAT YOU MAY BE WONDERING ABOUT
Y
OUR ANGER
“Today, my daughter was having a really bad tantrum and I was having a really bad day, and I completely lost my temper. I feel so guilty.”
Everybody’s entitled to blow it sometimes, parents of toddlers more than most. Dealing with toddlers can be extremely difficult; their irrationality and unreasonableness can often push the best of parents to the brink and, sometimes, even over it. Having lost your temper on a particularly bad day is not only understandable, it’s forgivable. Feeling guilty about it not only won’t help the situation, it could actually aggravate it by making you feel angrier (“That child makes me feel like such a lousy parent!”). So forgive yourself, but don’t stop there. Apologize to your
toddler for your outburst. Tell her, “I was very angry, and I lost my temper. I’m sorry that I yelled at you.” If you hit her during the outburst, apologize for that, too: “I’m sorry I hit you. That was wrong.” Let her know that your show of anger doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Make sure she understands that it was what she did—and not her—that you disliked. If it was your mood, and not your toddler’s behavior, that made you lose it, explain that: “I was feeling bad so I yelled at you. I’m sorry.”
Don’t go on and on about how sorry you are or what a bad parent you are, or plead dramatically for forgiveness—all of which may frighten your toddler more than the initial outburst. And don’t over-compensate for your slipup by being overindulgent or lax about house rules for the rest of the day. Instead, give your toddler a loving hug and move on quickly to an activity that’s fun for both of you.
For tips that may help you control your temper more effectively in the future, even on a really bad day, see page 754. For tips on how to deal with the urge to hit your child, see below.
UT-OF-CONTROL HITTING
“I know I shouldn’t hit my son, but when I lose my temper I can’t seem to help myself. I don’t know what to do.”
Frequently lashing out at a child in anger is a danger sign. Though you may not have seriously hurt your child yet, the potential for physical or emotional damage is there. Now, before your angry outbursts lead to something more serious, is the time to get some professional help. Call your local child-abuse hotline (check your telephone directory for the number) or speak to your clergyperson, to your child’s doctor or your own, or to another helping professional, such as a psychologist or family counselor. If alcohol abuse or drug use is contributing to your lack of control, get help in overcoming that problem, too; a substance abuser can’t be an effective parent.
If your spouse shows violent tendencies, he or she also needs help from a professional. Don’t hesitate to call for such help—before these tendencies get out of hand.
OUR DEPRESSION
“Sometimes, when I’m feeling down in the dumps, I have a really hard time being cheerful for my toddler. I worry how my mood affects her.”
Even the most lighthearted among us can’t put on a happy face all the time. And when you’re feeling down you don’t need to add to your misery by feeling guilty about it. Not only is it okay for your child to know that you feel down once in a while, it’s important that she know. Children whose parents always hide their sad feelings can grow up thinking that they’re supposed to be happy all the time—an unattainable state of being. Or that if you’re sad, you need to hide your feelings. It’s healthier for children to grow up knowing that life has its ups and downs and that it’s okay to be sad sometimes and good to share your sad feelings with others, even to ask for help (“I bet a hug from you will make me feel better”).
While it’s okay to let your toddler know how you’re feeling, it’s not fair to dump your feelings in her lap. A toddler can handle “I’m feeling a little sad today” once in a while, but she shouldn’t have to listen to it regularly. Nor should she be burdened with parental problems (“Daddy lost his job. What are we going to do?”) or feel responsible for your sadness (let her know that if you’re sad, it’s not because you’re unhappy with her) or for making you feel better (if that hug from her
isn’t
going to cheer you up, don’t ask for it).
WALK A YARD IN YOUR TODDLER’S SHOES
How does it feel to be so small when everyone else is so big? To have a vocabulary that always falls short of expressing your thoughts, needs, and feelings? To have so little control over what you eat, what you wear, when you sleep—over everything? How does it feel to be a toddler?
The next time you find yourself bewildered—or annoyed—by something your toddler does, take a moment to step into his or her sneakers. Try to imagine what your child may be feeling, and you may be able to face those confounding or irritating moments with more wisdom, more patience, more understanding, and more effective action.
Though an occasional down day is normal, frequent down days can have a negative effect on your toddler as well as on you—and your performance as a parent. To help minimize depression:
Figure out why you’re blue.
Everyone feels down in the dumps once in a while. But depression that comes often, hampers normal functioning, or interferes with relationships needs to be addressed. Try to figure out what’s getting you down (for example: not having talked to another adult in weeks, not feeling valuable, or being bored because you’re not holding a “real” job; inadequate time with your toddler or your spouse, or for yourself because you are working outside the home). Once you’ve identified the source, try to do something about it. If your depression seems unrelated to your life, a biochemical cause may be responsible; see your doctor.
Find an empathetic ear.
Or several ears—your spouse’s, a friend’s, a relative’s, a therapist’s, a clergyperson’s, the many ears of a parent support group—and start talking. Often, just unbottling what’s bothering you can help you to overcome it. If you don’t have some communication time built into your day, add it now. Have dinner and conversation with your spouse after your toddler’s in bed (or, if you can’t wait that late to eat, just lie in bed and talk). If you’re a single parent or your spouse travels a lot or works long hours, bridge the communication gap by spending ten or fifteen minutes a day on the phone with a good friend or a relative you’re close with, and when you can manage it (even once in a while can help), meet with a friend for lunch, dinner, or tea.
Cheer up without your toddler.
Whatever it is that gives you a lift, indulge yourself—do it, enjoy it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Get a babysitter (or exchange-sit with another parent; see page 808) and head for the tennis courts, the health club, a dance class, the hiking trails, a ball game, the movies, a restaurant, the beauty salon. Skip the stress of cooking dinner, and order in pizza and salad. Forget the vacuuming; put your feet up and watch a DVD.
Cheer up with your toddler.
Even a toddler who is part of the problem (destructiveness or tantrums are driving you to despair) can become part of the solution. Go somewhere fun with your toddler—the zoo, the children’s museum, the playground. Ideally, go with another parent-child duo so you will have some adult companionship, too.
KEEPING YOUR COOL
Nobody is cool, calm, and collected all of the time—particularly when there’s a toddler in the house. But since frequent parental tantrums are not good for you or your toddler, it’s a good idea to try these simple strategies to help minimize the possibility of such explosions:
Steer away from stress on “danger” days.
Blow-ups are much more likely on days when your toddler is whiny, overtired, cranky; when you’ve got problems at work; when you’ve had a fight with your spouse, your mother, your best friend; when you’re experiencing PMS; when the washing machine’s given out in the middle of a load and the repair person can’t make it until next week. When you’ve had “one of those days,” try to avoid activities that are likely to add to the stress (a trip to the shoe store, for example). Instead, take time out for an activity or outing that promises to be relaxing for both you and your little one (a trip to the park or watching a DVD with your feet up).
Choose your issues carefully.
Instead of squaring off with your toddler over every question, save the showdowns for really important matters. As your toddler comes to recognize the innate fairness of this policy (grown-ups don’t
always
get their way), he or she will feel less compelled to argue every point. This will reduce blow-ups on both sides and make it easier for you to hold your ground when necessary. (For more on discipline and limit setting see pages 119 and 47.)
Take a time-out.
When you feel you’re about to boil over, step away from the situation for a few minutes. Count to ten (or a hundred, if you need to), take a couple of deep breaths (or use the breathing exercises you learned in childbirth classes), do a meditation, think about something pleasant, repeat over and over to yourself a phrase you find comforting (such as “I am calm and serene”)—until you’ve stopped simmering. Do not, however, leave your toddler alone while you regain your composure.
Mind your words.
There’s nothing wrong with being angry; anger is a natural emotion. But knowing how to express anger without inflicting physical or emotional pain doesn’t always come naturally. Instead of automatically exploding when your toddler’s doing, or has done, something that makes you angry, train yourself to express your feelings rationally, using words that explain how you feel but aren’t hurtful. Instead of saying, “You’re so bad—you never listen to me!” say, “When you don’t listen to me, I get so angry I feel like screaming.”
Let it out.
If you’re so angry you want to strike out, move away from your child immediately and find a less vulnerable target for your aggressive feelings—punch a pillow (but not so violently that you frighten your toddler), jog in place, do a set of jumping jacks, take a few race-walk laps around the room. Explain to your toddler, “I’m really angry at you right now for doing that. But I think I’ll walk around the living room two times so I won’t feel so angry.” Don’t express your anger in ways you don’t want your toddler to imitate—slamming doors, throwing dishes, or punching walls, for instance. And, again, don’t leave your toddler alone.
Put it in writing.
Keep a notebook handy, and whenever you feel on the verge of losing control, set your angry feelings down on paper. Don’t mince words; get them all out of your system. You’ll be amazed at the therapeutic power of pen and paper.
Settle it with music.
Music, too, can be therapeutic—for both adults and children. A favorite CD or playlist can help soothe the beast in both of you.
Embrace.
Not the moment, but your child. Often, hug therapy can magically melt away feelings of anger and effectively stifle the need to lash out. For best results, hug firmly, enveloping your toddler in your arms, while making eye contact. But don’t try hug therapy on a toddler who doesn’t like to be held; that will only further frustrate and infuriate both of you.
Don’t lose perspective.
Keep handy a photo of your toddler at a particularly sweet moment, and reach for it whenever he or she has done something to provoke your wrath. Or, when a tantrum or other provocative behavior is in progress, close your eyes for a moment and summon up a memory of your toddler at his or her best—offering you a bite of ice cream, smiling ear-to-ear from the top of the slide, “helping” you fold laundry, or angelically asleep.
Find a shoulder to cry on.
If you’re so angry with your toddler that nothing seems to help, call a friend or relative who’s a good listener and unload your angst. Do this when your child’s napping or out with someone else.
Don’t be a martyr.
Parents who never take the time to be good to themselves have a much harder time being good to their children. When parenthood turns to martyrdom, resentment and hostility build, often resulting in parental loss of control. So make sure you get your share of quality time, too (see page 764).
Track your blow-ups.
Knowing what prompts a loss of temper can often help you control it. If you think you’ve been angry too often, try keeping a written record. Once you’ve regained your composure after an incident, make note of when it occurred; the triggering factors (a specific issue, your mood, your child’s mood, a missed meal or not enough sleep for either or both of you, and so on); what your child did; what you did; and how the situation was ultimately resolved. After several such events, read over your notes and try to evaluate what happened as impartially as possible. What did you do right? What did you do wrong? And what might you have done better? If there is a pattern to the outbursts (do they seem to come at the end of the day, when you’re both hungry and tired, for example?) that could give you a clue to prevention (a snack and a relaxing activity at the end of the day, for instance, before tempers start flaring). Could there be underlying emotional feelings triggering your outbursts? Are you angry about having to do double-duty—working hard at home and on the job? Or about being “stuck at home” when you’d rather be at work? Are you angry at yourself or someone else, and taking it out on the most convenient and defenseless target, your toddler? Have you set too many limits or provided too many opportunities for your toddler to get into trouble? Have you been “blue” or depressed?
Based on what your analysis turns up, take steps to remedy the situation. If you’re angry about giving up your career for your toddler, for example, start easing back into it with part-time or consulting work; see page 768. If you’ve set so many limits that your toddler can’t help but get into trouble, loosen up; see page 122. If you can’t seem to figure out the roots of your anger or how to root it out, talk to your child’s doctor or your own, your clergyperson, or a therapist (but don’t discuss it in front of your toddler). You may benefit from professional help.
